Midlife wife crisis13

[unchien]

Wolf ~ You avoided drama, you stayed calm, and your S had a great time. Sounds like a great day! I know it's hard and emotional but I think it's worth celebrating when you handle things well.

You are wise not to take the bait your XW throws out. It's soooo hard not to bite.

Regardless of what this means for your R with your XW, the above things are really positive and the right path forward.

[Wolfman]

Wolf ~ You avoided drama, you stayed calm, and your S had a great time. Sounds like a great day! I know it's hard and emotional but I think it's worth celebrating when you handle things well.

You are wise not to take the bait your XW throws out. It's soooo hard not to bite.

Regardless of what this means for your R with your XW, the above things are really positive and the right path forward.

Thank you. I am trying just to be calm and not let her nonsense bother me anymore. I am finally starting to really detach in the sense that her words or actions won’t dictate how I feel. Every little thing in the past I use to take to heart. I am working real hard to with my d to be understanding and loving to her. I see a little change in her behavior towards me now. I know it will be a while but I truly think she will regret this decision. I am working hard on being the man only a fool would leave. And if she doesn’t regret it that’s fine too. I just want to be a better person, a better dad and a better partner. I will say this, I have learned so much in the last 17 months from my readings and mostly from here. Thank you everyone for helping and always chiming in. I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go. Thank you again everyone for always helping. Sometimes I read your comments 4 and 5 times to really understand what the message is.

[Ginger1]

I think she legit noticed a change in her behavior. Did you get in her for being a few minutes late in the past?

My ex would get on me about the dumbest things and tear me down. For getting the wrong brand of something at the grocery store. For not being where he wanted at the exact time. Anything he could, he would. And it gave me a defensive reaction, a fear, everything around the tiniest things. I hated it.

She’s used to you reacting one way and she noticed you didn’t. She making you aware of a changed behavior that really upset her. She’s not pushing your buttons there. I can almost guarantee she was seriously freaking out in the car because of past reactions and she was shocked when it didn’t happen and she brought it up.

It would make much better for coparenting this way. My ex and I get along better than we ever did married. He’s a narcissist alright. He was awful to me married, but really has changed his ways by being more forgiving, understanding and validating. He was all of the opposite when we were dating/married. I appreciate it and it makes for much better coparenting

[Ready2Change]

Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons?

Pushing buttons is not fun if there is no reaction. You are in control of your response when the buttons get pushed. Keep your buttons disconnected.

[IHCLACS]

Grayrock. Remember?

[AnotherStander]

Wolf, there's a few things in there that bother me. First of all it sounds to me like S was adamant that he only wanted to watch the SB with you ALONE. Not you sitting next to him in a room full of people. It really does seem like you were coercing him into something he didn't want to do. I know that is something my son would not have liked when he was that age, his anxiety would be through the roof. Sure you kept asking nice and telling him it was fine if he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to disappoint you. He responded several times that he only wanted to watch it with you, and every time you said "no problem I'll be right next to you". Yeah, in a room full of strangers. That isn't what S wanted! Your W may very well have been trying to shield him because she knew he didn't want to go to someone else's house, but that he wouldn't be able to stand up for himself (he is only 9). Personally I think if you had offered to take S and D to your house that would have been a good compromise that would have made everyone happy including your W. Remember, it was your W's time with them. It is strictly up to her whether to allow you that time, and when you make it difficult on everyone then the next time you ask she'll be much less likely to accommodate you. Keeping a peaceful co-parenting arrangement is much more important than winning a battle in this case. It sounds like it all went well so that's good, but I offer this so that maybe you can see where your W might have been coming from. I know my kids would say one thing to my XW and another to me because they found me intimidating even when I was trying my hardest not to be.

She is pushing my d on me because she is looking for this opportunity to go out and party.

Who cares? Take as much time with the kids as you can, what your W does with her spare time is only her concern as long as it's not endangering the kids.

[Wolfman]

I think she legit noticed a change in her behavior. Did you get in her for being a few minutes late in the past?

She’s used to you reacting one way and she noticed you didn’t. She making you aware of a changed behavior that really upset her.

Yes in the past I would give her a hard time. If she said she was going out with friends and said she would be home by a certain time and wasn’t, I would wait 15-20 minutes. If she wasn’t home or didn’t text me I would call or text her and yes, I would give her an attitude. One time she went to breakfast with friends, I was expecting hour, hour and a half. She came home 3 hours later (in case you are wondering she went out with 2 other women who I am friends with their husbands and asked when their wives got home and it was 3 hours). I was pissed and gave her a hard time about it. So those past experiences definitely gave her anxiety. Not for nothing but she did the same to me. Gave me a hard time when I went out and about being home at a certain time. Granted I should have been better and done a better job about speaking to her about it. I really wish I could of handled things differently back then.

Is it ever possible that she will NOT push my buttons?

Pushing buttons is not fun if there is no reaction. You are in control of your response when the buttons get pushed. Keep your buttons disconnected.

I do keep them disconnected. I try very hard not to let her bother me.

Grayrock. Remember?

I do. Trying very hard to be happy around her and not let her words bother me.

AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.

[sandi2]

Was there anything positive about your W? I know we only have your side of the story, but she really sounds dreadful. Were the two of you ever happy in your MR?

In the past, I've been guilty of really letting another person get under my skin, to the point it would consume my thoughts, conversations, everyday life, etc. The fact that they were driving me insane, wasn't hurting the other person, whatsoever. I was giving the other person power over my life. You may say this is nothing like you, and that you just report an update about your sitch. That's what we want you to do, but at the same time, I am concerned.

Maybe I'm wrong, but this is kind of what I see with you. She's driving you nuts, by the least little things. She doesn't care how it affects you........and she will probably never change how she interacts with you. Why? B/c the two of you have had this type of bad interaction for years.......maybe always. She was a spoiled child, who threw tantrums until she got her way........and it still works for her, so she's not going to change. When reading your posts, I wonder if you keep expecting her to change how she interacts with you about the kids? I think I remember you asking the question if she would ever treat you better.....or something along that line. I don't think she will, Wolf, b/c you are doing more damage to yourself than she ever could. What do I mean? You are constantly finding fault with her. I'm not pointing to any particular incident, but usually, there is something she's said/done that sets like a hot coal in your brain. Maybe you don't say anything about it to her, but nevertheless, it registers in your mind/heart. You are keeping score of the past, as well as currently. Guess who it is hurting? Not her!

Here's what happens. All of that fault finding, score keeping, and saving up more & more resentment........turns into very sour grapes. Nobody will want to be around Wolfe, if you don't let go of it. I've seen the results of people who were eat up with bitterness, and it's not a pretty situation. Their own kids can't stand to be with them. They die lonely, angry individuals, b/c they would not let it go.

I think apart from the situation with your W, that you are probably a good guy who wants to enjoy being with his kids and friends. I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your XW, if you still want a MR with her, or if you want nothing more than for her to cooperate and work with you in co-parenting the kids. On one hand you talk about how you are trying, but it's like everything she does just eats at you. I don't doubt a word you've said about her. It makes me remember how I talked about my H when I first joined the board. I felt as if nobody was listening, b/c they would suggest what I needed to be doing. Finally, someone told me (and I often pass it along) that it wasn't my H who was showing up on the board.......it was me!

I am not suggesting you have no requirements or conditions for her, should there be a future reconciliation. However, I am suggesting that it's time you stop expecting to see improved behavior in your XW. Whatever you have to do to find a way of processing or retraining your thought responses/patterns, coping with an unreasonable and unbearable XW, then do yourself a favor and get CBT, attend church, take psychology classes, watch You Tube, or do something that will help you learn how to deal with difficult people in your life. I don't want you having a heart attack, and it can happen when someone is pushing your buttons all the time. She won't change. She's not searching for relationship tools, or even co-parenting tools (apparently)........so how can you help Wolfe?


You currently have a girlfriend, right? Do you hope to reconcile with your W some day? Are you emotionally attached to your XW, b/c you want a future with her? I mean, you are emotionally attached, even if it's negative emotions. There seems to be too much spoken between you and XW. Your parenting style and her parenting style is not going to match, so the more you can avoid that whole scenario where she tattles to you about the kids......the better. Don't try to rescue her from the kids, or other issues she has brought on herself. Are you still going inside to get the kids? Asking the kids questions about what happens after you leave, or any other time they are with their mom, is an invitation for anxiety. I think you need to be careful there. ((hugs))

[AnotherStander]

AS I have to disagree with you. I don’t think that my s should be making the decisions. And my w wasn’t trying to shield him she just wanted him for herself. I will tell you why. She told me about 3 times to make sure he was home by 9 because he had to go to bed because he has a hard time getting up in the morning. So fine I understand that. So I made sure he was home by 9. Monday when I picked him up I told my s who won the game. He said I know. I said you do? He said yeah me, mom and sister stayed up and watched the whole game. He said when he was yelling at the tv mom was recording him. Ex hates football she never watches it. Shoot I played football in college and semi-pro and she never watched me play. All the past Super Bowls she never watched when we went to party’s she would be off with the women drinking. So it annoys me that she made me take him home early when we were having a good time. She should have just told me the truth that she wanted to watch it with him too. It makes me wonder what she said to s that made him not want to go in the first place.

IT WAS HER TIME WITH THE KIDS!!!!!! She gave you some of HER time with them, what are you not understanding about this? It was COMPLETELY at HER discretion! Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy? She didn't have to give you any time with them! I think you're really struggling with seeing anything from her point of view. You asked her to take S during her time with him, and then you want to take him to an adult party somewhere. I can completely understand why this would give her heartburn. She wanted him back early, fine. What they did after you took him back is frankly none of your business. Look, the two of you are separated. You've got to quit spinning your wheels on who she's with, what she's doing, etc. Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed. I understand that to you the Super Bowl is a big deal and that you think it should be an exception, but she probably doesn't see it that way. But she STILL allowed you to take S, which personally I think was quite generous of her.

[Ready2Change]

Why do you constantly paint her as the bad guy?

Personally,I don't think you should answer this question to us, but rather take a deep hard look at yourself and decided if this is working for you.

Use your time with the kids wisely, and allow her to have her time with them undisturbed.

This works well for me.


I could come here and post about all the things my X wife does that I disagree with. I don't know if that would help me or anyone else. She has bought each of my kids their cars. She has them paying her back until 50%. Not my parenting style. She pays for the insurance. Not my parenting style. Two of the cars have been wrecked. She buys them nicer cars. Not my parenting style. They get new phones every time theirs break. Not my parenting style. I could go on for days. I believe they should work hard and save up for their first POS car and pick it out themselves and earn money to replace the things they break. Different parenting styles. That is OK. I can't control her. I tell my kids they are lucky. I did not get to this point overnight. I focus on what I have control of. I let go of the things out of my control. I can't control her. I let her parent her way and I parent my way. I let her choices go. I stand for the important things. Equal parenting time.