Newlywed and in crisis

[Jac12]

Whoops, just realized that this weekend we have a bunch of events lined up that both W and I need to attend to. How am I going to NC my way through this

(1) W's Cousin's Wedding - a four day event
(2) A mutual friend's bridal shower - I am hosting the activities so I kinda have to be there

Planning to skip the wedding entirely. W will be upset, because that would mean she would have to come up with an excuse to make M looks as if it's functioning normally to non-suspecting family members. Not my problem though, she can handle that. I know my parents-in-laws will be disappointed if I don't go. It breaks my heart to disappoint them, since they have been kind and supportive, but this is what I have to do.

I guess I'll go to the Bridal Shower, out of necessity. They need me there to run the event. Also, they are my friends too. I do not want to give up spending time with them just because W will be there. W will probably request that we go together (one car) to make it not look conspicuous to friends. I'll leave that to her choice.

She will probably text me what my plans are for these events, I'll just say:

"I would love to go, but given our current situation, it's best that I don't. But I will go to the bridal shower because they'll need my help"

Thoughts?

Funbun...The wedding may be a tough one - to me these are moments that you can't replace. I was going to be faced with this too as my BIL is getting married in May. Now, my situation has improved but I was planning on attending the wedding but leaving shortly after dinner. Arriving and leaving on my own. The fact that yours is a 4 day event is tricky but I think you are correct in not attending. It's simple, she doesn't want you in her life and this is her family.

As for your text reply, I think you are trying to make her realize what this is causing and I think your replies should be short and to the point.

W: Why aren't you coming to the wedding?
Funbun: I've decided not to, it's your family and you should enjoy the time with them"
W: You're putting me in a bad position, what will I tell people?
Funbun: I understand it may be tough but you've asked for space and I respect that - I also need time. You go and have a nice time.

As for the shower:

W: Will you be at the shower?
Funbun: Of course, I'm helping to run it.

Leave it at that...You don't have to ask her if she'll be there or press for any details. Show her that you are ok with what you've chosen and you aren't trying to make her feel bad. Let her live with her feelings and choices. I think the last thing you want to do is be vindictive (or appearing vindictive in her mind).

[funbun]

Jac,

Those were great responses. They do sound slightly warmer and less vindictive. I will rethink my response.

I am still generally confused with what kind of tone I should be having when interacting with W through text. I know I should be direct, brief, and vague. However, depending on the type of WAW, the tone should be different..? I read that for WW you need to be rather strict and business like..? But for certain WAW, you need to sound much more gentle..?

But what about when in NC? When it’s necessary to break NC and respond. Should it be a cold reply?

[BenB]

Never cold funbun! You don´t want to come across like you´re in a bad mood. You should seem happy and upbeat but don´t overdo it so it seems fake

[funbun]

Will do BenB! Thanks!

Update

As expected, W texted and asked if I am coming. I replied that I will not go(in a respectful manner). Then along comes a string of texts from W, I guess she is angry *shrugs*

Here are some of her points:

• "You didn't come to the last one, you should come to this one"
• "Think about my parents and my family (something about saving face)"
• "I am not asking you to spend time with me, just talk to my parents and family"

Then she ended it with:
"If you don't want to go then go ahead, but I'll make it clear that you're the one who doesn't want to come, not me" (shifting blame to me, so that her family doesn't blame her for my absence)

Her mother texted me shortly after, pleading me to come to the wedding. I could detach myself from W's text, but this is harder for me to deal with because of how nice W's parents are and I feel guilty. She is also asking me to come to the house tomorrow for another round of "spiritual treatment". I've been pulling back from everything and now they think there is something wrong with me too. Oh my.

I haven't responded to them yet. Here's my plan:

• To W: Validate and then quickly end the convo.
• I'll comply and I'll come to the "spiritual treatment". They'll probably talk me into going to the wedding but I'll try to hold my ground. I'll just listen, validate and detach when they tell me things. Then promptly leave when done.
• To MIL: "I really appreciate the invite. I would love to go to the wedding. I'm sorry, but I need space for the time being. Please understand"

I could really use feedback and advice. Feeling rather conflicted right now.

[AnotherStander]

I think you've got a great plan of action there. I don't think I would go to the spiritual treatment either though. "Given what W and I are going through right now I don't feel it would be appropriate for me to go, we both need some time and space to think about things."

If W keeps pushing you, "I've already made my decision." Stand tall, don't let her bully you.

[funbun]

I think you've got a great plan of action there. I don't think I would go to the spiritual treatment either though. "Given what W and I are going through right now I don't feel it would be appropriate for me to go, we both need some time and space to think about things."

If W keeps pushing you, "I've already made my decision." Stand tall, don't let her bully you.

Thanks AS.

I wish not to involve the in laws with this. It makes things complicated. They have a different approach and can derail my DB-ing. If only I can make them understand what I am doing. I know I shouldn't reveal my plans, but if only. Then I can get them on the same page and I don't have to feel guilty going against them.

At the moment, W is not pushing me. She doesn't seem to care. Her parents are talking me into coming. Why oh why. I stopped my pursuit, but instead of W pursuing back, her parents are the ones to do so. *facepalm*

[SteveLW]

From Destroyd' s thread:

Hello D,

I am new here and also in the early stages of my sitch. Just read your thread. It seemed like you were heading in the right direction when you last posted last year. Then suddenly the EA. It must be heartbreaking. I don't have advice, but I am sending you my prayers. I'll be reading what happened for the past 8 month once you've posted.

Seems like there are two types of LBS's- those whose spouses are in affairs, and those who don't know it yet. Hope you are doing well!

Reading this is scary to me. At the moment, there is no evidence of EA for my wife. I am scared there is one but I just don't know it yet.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worse. I guess.

Ok, so let's play along. Suppose she is in an A. What does that change?

[funbun]

Ok, so let's play along. Suppose she is in an A. What does that change?

To be honest? I'd D her right away.

That would be the last straw. I am not going to take with that level of disrespect and betrayal from W.

Though that is just talk at the moment, who knows what I'll do for real. Humans are fickle creatures.

One thing I realize from my sitch is that I really do deserve someone better. Someone who wants me for me. What kind of W decides to leave her H on Day 5 of M. Pffffft.

Don't get me wrong. I miss her and I wish her to be back. However, I also know that she can't return the same. I know I am making changes of my own. She has too. Like many have said in this site: the old marriage has died, either she returns and we build a new one, or I find the strength to let go and find someone better.

[funbun]

I am in bed. It’s harder at night. Your thoughts wonder and sometimes to dark places. Every night I just hope I sleep fast enough before my mind dives into depressing thoughts.

I am writing this to help me clear out my mind. Sorta like the thing you do in a confession box.

Right now I am thinking about my previous R. The one before I am with my W. It was a 12 year relationship. It was a good relationship, I was healthy there, there was nothing wrong with it. One day I broke it off because I got bored and it was no longer fulfilling. And I was attracted to another woman: who is now my current W.

In a lot of ways, in my previous R with my exgf, I was the wayward one. I remember her pleading me to come back. I remember how much pain she was in and how cold I was. I remember feeling guilty for a long time for it. She truly cared about me, and I betrayed her. Stabbed her in the heart. I felt like I killed her. The guilt of leaving that relationship.. I guess it’s still exist now.

I can’t but feel all of this is karma in the works. Punishment from god for what I did to my ex. Now it has come full circle.

So I know what it feels like to be a wayward partner. To say ILYBIANILWY, to vilify a good partner just so that I can get out of a R, to feel nothing towards someone whom you’ve been intimate with for a long time.

I remember my ex doing what I am doing to W now in order to get the loved one back. NC, being nice. It didn’t work on me. I was headstrong and I still walked. If my W is like my past wayward self then this is truly an uphill battle. God help me.

“The night is long, and full of terrors”

[ovrrnbw]

You're in India or that part of the world right? I saw the 4 day wedding thing too. It's light out somewhere, remember that.

Use the stop sign technique to help control your thoughts. It's in Divorce Remedy.

Leaving a girlfriend is not betrayal IMO. No one committed for life. You couldn't leave and not hurt her, but that doesn't mean you're wrong for leaving.

You're doing well. Why are you supposed to play happy family when she wants out of the marriage? I don't get it. Your in laws are playing Fix It but they can't make her want you.