Newlywed and in limbo

[funbun]

Link to first thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876449&page=1

I would to start this new thread by thanking those whose advice has helped me go through a rough patch in my sitch: AlisonUK, Rosy10, AnotherStander, Steve85, Ready2Change, job, FFHubby, sandi2, ovrrnbw, Jac12, LH19, & BenB.

Here's a recap of my sitch:

H (Me): 28
W: 30
T: 2 years
M: 2 months... and counting.
BD: 5th day of marriage.
No Kids.

Summary

Week 3, Nov 2019 - Our wedding, it was amazing, both happy, happily ever after right? what could go wrong?
Week 4, Nov 2019 - Honeymoon. Wife became depressed, broke down, and then BD. Honeymoon had to be cut short and then return home.

To recap this is what I think caused her to BD: She hates changes. Wants her old life back. Worried about not being happy in M. We also had problems in the R pre-marriage: her lack of affection which causes a pursuer-distancer dynamic, I was the pursuer. We both had doubts but thought this was normal. We both believed that M will bring more happiness and will solve our problems. [More detail in first post of first thread]

Dec 2019, Week 1 - W angry at everyone including herself. Became cold, irritated and distant.
Dec 2019, Week 2 - Both of us went counselling. W still same. Kept asking for D. Same time, I discovered this forum.
Dec 2019, Week 3 - W less angry but cold. Wouldn't let me touch her. I started DB-ing.
Dec 2019, Week 4 - W calmer but still cold. I kept to my DB-ing: detach and GAL.

Jan 2020, Week 1 - W depressed again, I got angry, we got into an argument. W went back to her parent's place. We've been living separately ever since.
Jan 2020, Week 2 - W feeling better. I was mostly angry and bitter but kept my distance.
Jan 2020, Week 3 - W feeling better, but still wants D. I am calmer, started being more cordial, but mostly kept my distance.
Jan 2020, Week 4 - W feeling better, has stopped asking for D. I am working on myself and detaching.

Current situation: Stopped all pursuit. Working on my own issues, detachment and GAL. No contact with W. Doesn't initiate any interaction with W. W sometimes texts, but only about logistics. I only reply when necessary (no reply if text is informational). When I do reply, I keep it cordial and short.

Extra information

• We are both muslims.
• We do not have a place of our own yet. Living with parents. Weekdays at her parent's, weekends at mine's (This is before we separated).
• We work at the same place.

[funbun]

You're in India or that part of the world right? I saw the 4 day wedding thing too. It's light out somewhere, remember that.

Use the stop sign technique to help control your thoughts. It's in Divorce Remedy.

Leaving a girlfriend is not betrayal IMO. No one committed for life. You couldn't leave and not hurt her, but that doesn't mean you're wrong for leaving.

You're doing well. Why are you supposed to play happy family when she wants out of the marriage? I don't get it. Your in laws are playing Fix It but they can't make her want you

Ovrrnbw,

I am somewhere in east asia. I like the fact that even though I am on the other side of the world, there are people who are going through something similar and are being kind to each other, it makes me feel less lonely. This is an amazing forum. The people here are amazing. I'm glad I found this place.

I will check out the stop sign technique. Thank you for the recommendation.

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself for leaving my past R. Maybe I need to learn to let go of that guilt too. I know that very same guilt has caused me to be more anxious in current R with W and has caused unnecessary problems too. "I left a good woman to be with W, so W has to be worth it, W has to be better, or else I have made a big mistake". I hate to admit it but back then deep down, this is what I was thinking, and this has put undue pressure in W (hence me pursuing her constantly). I know this is one of the things that I need to work on.

[funbun]

Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it. That's why she wants you at these events. She doesn't want a marriage, but she also doesn't want to have to explain to anyone she respects she doesn't want to be married. That's her problem and not yours. If you rob her of the opportunity of having to face that conundrum and deal with it, you're robbing her of a maturity and growth experience she badly needs to have.

Yes! Thank you for saying that Alison, this is exactly what I was thinking but somehow couldn't put it into words.

[funbun]

Update and Journaling

I didn't go to the wedding.
W texted and asked if I am going. I replied something to the effect of "I am not going. I need space right now".
W didn't seem too happy about it, but she didn't push further.
Her parents wanted me to go and were adamant about it. I had to explain them that I am doing it for a reason and I asked for them to trust my way of doing things. Thankfully, they decided to give me that trust.

On "Going Dark"
At the moment I am "going dark" or NC or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don't contact W and I don't initiate anything, but given that we work together, it is rather difficult to have a true NC. I only reply when it's business. Otherwise, nothing.

On GAL
Kept myself busy the whole week. I go to the gym twice a week. Do sports. Play video games. Have lunch-outs with male friends. Going out with family and friends during the weekends. I do these things pre-marriage so it's just like doing the same things as I did when I was a bachelor.

On Detachment
This is the area that I feel I have a lot of progress in over the last few weeks. The grief has mostly passed (I hope). I feel calmer. I have a lot of freedom and control over my life. It feels lighter. I can better enjoy the activities I do when GAL now.

There are times every day that I do feel sad. When that happens, I normally go and read the "Quotes Found on Divorcebusting" thread. A lot of gold advice there. It has helped keep me in focus (thanks R2C for compiling them!).


On W's Behaviour
I noticed several changes in W's behaviour during this period. She has stopped asking for D. She's much more withdrawn now. She's stopped buying me food for lunch. I do not know if all of this is a good sign or not. I try not to think too much on it, I am trying to detach after all. I do wonder if she is also doing the exact same thing as I am (i.e. NC and detachment) in respond to my own behaviour.

She does look happier and relaxed when with other people. Sometimes I feel happy for her. There are times however that I feel left out and I wished I could join in (FOMO). I tell myself "that's her life, I don't have to be sad, I have my life too, my life is enjoyable too".

W has a skin condition and the other day at work I overheard her complaining about it to colleagues. She mentioned it flaring up badly and she's having a difficult time with it. I can't help but feel bad for her and all I want to do is be there for her and comfort her (a sign of NGS or hero syndrome perhaps). It's supposed to be my job as a husband to be there for my wife. I know I can't at the moment. There are times when I want to break NC and ask her how she is doing. So this is difficult for me. I kept repeating to myself "it has nothing to do with you", "she fired you as her husband", and "you care about her, but who's going to take care of you right now? you, that's who".

_______________________________________________________________________________________

That's the update. I do apologize if my language is a bit off. English is my second language.

I guess this is the new norm for the time being. Both of us living our own life. It's quite uneventful, despite the general situation I am in. That is, until W asks for D again or I finally decide to D. I do not know when. For now, I will try to enjoy this freedom and peace.

[funbun]

Saw this at Dovegirl’s thread and I didn’t want to hijack her thread so I’ll bring it here.

Dovegirl, you need to brace yourself for the other shoe to drop: There is another woman. Be prepared. AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.

To the vets,

What do you guys think? Does my sitch have a possible A? Personally, I don’t think so, W and I just married and it would be crazy for her to have an A all this time even throughout the wedding.

[Jac12]

Funbun - I had a good friend who married in November 2012 to a girl he dated for 6 years. 3 months later she said she wanted a divorce. A few months after that he found out she was spending time with a bartender from across the street and she'd been sleeping with him ever since they got married.

So...while it seems crazy it's not uncommon. Usually when people are leaving a marriage or emotionally checked out it's because there is someone else.

[SteveLW]

I know a guy that had an affair while engaged to his now W. Produced a child. That was the decades ago. It happens all the time.

[funbun]

A year before marriage, She (W) became close with this woman who is much younger than her. They did spend a lot of time together and instantly clicked. They became bestfriends quickly. It was a period when our relationship was going through a rough time and W was also having arguments with her old bestfriend (who is female btw). In a sense, W was having difficulties with two of her close persons and replaced us with this new woman to fill her emotional needs.

One time, she confessed that she texted more with her new BFF than me. It bothered me a bit, but it was a platonic relationship so I didn’t do much about it. Maybe it’s a normal thing women do when they have BFFs, I thought.

So sorta like an EA, but with a same sex friend..? Or am I overthinking and stretching it out here?

It does make sense, W not waiting to be married so that she can be single and not have to sacrifice her time with this new bestfriend. She had this notion that being married, she would have less time to spend with family and friends. During her breakdown back in Dec, she was pretty hung up and cried a lot over the fact that she won’t be able to see her new BFF as much. Of course, her reason doesn’t make sense because I have never stopped her from seeing any of her friends.

So W was not able to let go of new BFF and lead her to be heartbroken and want to leave the marriage..? Or am I being paranoid here.

[funbun]

God d@mn it.

Look at me.

The fear of W having an A has got my mind racing and now I am overthinking it.

God d@mn it, funbun.

It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter

I know this will only slow down my healing and detachment. I know.

She left you. It doesn’t matter why. You take care of you now.

[funbun]

Journaling

Feeling rather depressed at the moment. I don't think I have anyone in my support circle here would understand how I am feeling. I don't feel like talking to them. So writing it here might help me get over this.

I have a group chat with W's family in one of the text messengers. I don't send texts there anymore but I do check it often. The group chat has been silent for a couple of days now, which is unusual, because they send text messages there on a daily basis. I realized that they have probably made a new one without me in it. I can't confirm it but it is most likely the case.

Upon this realization, I feel... abandoned. I feel left out. Rejected. I thought I had their support. I though I was part of the family.

Maybe they felt betrayed when I declined their invitation to the wedding. They were quite unhappy about it.

I thought detachment meant that I need to be be okay with the idea of W leaving. That her rejection shouldn't affect me anymore (and I thought I was making good progress). However, it didn't occur to me that I need to detach from her family too, and their rejection. Maybe I did, but the feeling hasn't hit yet until now.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing I do right now feels right. Someone is bound to get hurt whichever action I take. Either it's me or W or her family or my family. It feels like a lose-lose situation sometimes.

I need to stay focused. The path to true detachment is filled with peaks and valleys. I am in the valley right now. My only comforting thought right now is knowing that this will pass, I will make my way up towards the peak again.