Newlywed and in limbo

[DejaVu6]

Sorry Funbun. Try not to be too upset about the family. Unfortunately, this is what usually happens in situations like this. People pick sides...even if you tell them they don’t need to. It doesn’t mean that they are on someone’s side necessarily but most people feel really uncomfortable staying in touch with both parties. Usually what ends up happening is you get to keep the people you had before you met. My first XH and I had the most respectful D you can have...we are still good friends...but I stopped hearing from our couple friends pretty soon after we split because they were all childhood friends of his. We are FB friends and if we ever crossed paths, they would be super friendly but I no longer got invitations to any get togethers unless I went with him. I didn’t take it personally. It’s how things work. If your W’s family feels hurt because you have taken a step back from family activities, that’s on them. Honestly, most people should/would understand your need to do that. I had to do that in my first divorce because I was so close to his family. I felt bad so I wrote them a letter thanking them for their love and support over the years and explaining why I needed to step back. They completely understood and we have a good relationship now....20 years later.

You have a good attitude that will help you get through this. You are right. There are many peaks and valleys on the path to detachment. It will pass. Things will get better with time. There is life after BD and you can make it a great one. Keep up with GAL activities and focus on detaching...you will get there. I was an emotional mess a year ago and I got there. You can too!! (((HUGS)))

[AlisonUK]

I thought detachment meant that I need to be be okay with the idea of W leaving. That her rejection shouldn't affect me anymore (and I thought I was making good progress). However, it didn't occur to me that I need to detach from her family too, and their rejection. Maybe I did, but the feeling hasn't hit yet until now.

I've felt like this too. If you look back over my old threads you'll see I was very hurt about the withdrawal and silence from H's family over the course of our separation. I had lots of reasons to be relieved - though I was also sad - that I wasn't living with H any longer. But I was shocked - perhaps wrongly - to be so immediately cold-shouldered by a group of people I'd known closely for more than 15 years. Not even a birthday card. You'll have seen that H has returned to the family home and we're working on things. It's up and down and not always easy. But I still have no contact at all with his family, I don't particularly want it and it is going to take a very very long time for those feelings to be worked through and those feelings of rejection to fade. You are very very very very early days. I have no suggestions other than to keep doing what you're doing, and do whatever self care and support you need. Are you close to your own family?

[Ready2Change]

Hi FB,

Have you learned how to express your feelings in private? IE crying in the shower.

Holding our emotions back in public is important, but expressing them in private is critical. I am sure other can chime in about other ways to get the emotions out.

As I have said to many before, my journey after the BombDrop was the best worst thing that happened to me. Be thankful for everything. The skills and understanding you are learning will server you well in the future. Keep growing. FB 2.0 will look back someday and be extremely grateful for going through this.

[Ready2Change]

There are times every day that I do feel sad. When that happens, I normally go and read the "Quotes Found on Divorcebusting" thread. A lot of gold advice there. It has helped keep me in focus (thanks R2C for compiling them!).

My pleasure. You can pay me back by paying it forward to newbies that will need support in the future.

[funbun]

Thank you everyone. Once again, your words comforted me when I was feeling low. I should be good for the time being.

Sorry Funbun. Try not to be too upset about the family. Unfortunately, this is what usually happens in situations like this. People pick sides...even if you tell them they don’t need to. It doesn’t mean that they are on someone’s side necessarily but most people feel really uncomfortable staying in touch with both parties. Usually what ends up happening is you get to keep the people you had before you met. My first XH and I had the most respectful D you can have...we are still good friends...but I stopped hearing from our couple friends pretty soon after we split because they were all childhood friends of his. We are FB friends and if we ever crossed paths, they would be super friendly but I no longer got invitations to any get togethers unless I went with him. I didn’t take it personally. It’s how things work. If your W’s family feels hurt because you have taken a step back from family activities, that’s on them. Honestly, most people should/would understand your need to do that. I had to do that in my first divorce because I was so close to his family. I felt bad so I wrote them a letter thanking them for their love and support over the years and explaining why I needed to step back. They completely understood and we have a good relationship now....20 years later.

Thank you for sharing your story DejaVu. When the feelings hit, it's easy to get absorbed into the moment and difficult to pull yourself out and look at the bigger picture: it's just a part of the valleys and peaks of the journey.

Are you close to your own family?

I can't give you a straightforward answer for this question. They are my family, yes. I see and talk to them everyday, yes. Does that mean we are close? I guess. I am not the type to open up to them easily. Mainly because I feel that when I confide my thoughts and feelings to them, they don't listen / comfort me the way that is satisfactory to me i.e. they listen to give advice or they listen in order to wait for their turn to talk. I am also the middle child so a bit of the middle child syndrome might come into play here.

Nevetheless, I have my friends. They are better at listening. Though, they have their own life so I can't depend on them too much.

Have you learned how to express your feelings in private? IE crying in the shower.

Holding our emotions back in public is important, but expressing them in private is critical. I am sure other can chime in about other ways to get the emotions out.

I usually would talk to myself when I am on my own e.g. in the bedroom or driving the car. Asking myself "why are you feeling so-and-so?" and "what do you need right now in order to be happy?" and "what's the next best thing to do?" (I got this one from Frozen 2! LOL). If another person saw me talking to myself, they would think I am crazy, but hey, it helps.

I have a tendency to hold back the tears, but I do get your point R2C. It's a good reminder. We all gotta let it out and cry sometimes. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's healthy.

[funbun]

I have a question regarding the use of social media during DB-ing

W follows me on several social media platforms. Ever since BD, she hasn't posted anything on her's and I have done the same. I've been thinking of going active again and numerous times I wanted to post something but stopped myself. Mostly because my intentions were to show-off my GAL to W and I know that is not good for my detachment.

However, I can't deny the fact that there is merit in subtlely "showing off" how I am moving on in life to W.

I want to know what the vets here think about this.

[SteveLW]

The way you show her you're moving on with your life is too:

Move on with your life!

No amount of showing it on social media will make it any better! Doing it for you is the best way to move on.

If you yet to manipulate her she will see right through it.

[funbun]

Thanks Steve.

I decided to resume my SM activities regardless. Though, not as frequent as before. I do not want to go overboard and appear show-offy to W. I intend to post things that mattered to me and things that I think would be worth saving in my SM page. I won't be posting things about my R or M. Just neutral things that mattered to me.

I want to be able to look back and be reminded of the things that I am going through right now. Some people use SM as a tool to show-off their life and show only the good things. I want to use it for myself, a place to show my life's story, both the good and the bad.

[SteveLW]

fun, yeah. It's hard to keep that stuff pure. According to my wife there is a way on Facebook to hide what you post from someone, and to hide what someone posts so you can't see it. Without actually blocking them. If you go down this path, and it is truly for you, not her, then I highly suggest you use that.

Otherwise, you're lying to yourself that it isn't for her to see. I mean, you've been here for months, why is this suddenly important to start doing?

[funbun]

Weekly Update

It's been a busy couple of days. Especially at work. Outside of work, I continue to GAL: workout and hang out with friends.

I mentioned previously that W and I work at the same place. To my dismay (or to my fortune? lol), both of us are assigned to work on a project with a couple of other people. I am assigned as the lead and W is the assistant. This must be some funny joke the higher ups are trying to pull I thought, but they actually didn't know any better. Just one of the consequences of marrying your colleague, so ya just gotta deal with it.

It wasn't as emotionally stressful as I thought it would be. Both of us managed to keep it professional the whole time. We kept our distance and I was able to maintain my detachment. Only talk about work. Our interactions were limited to "can you pass me this/that?" "I will work on this/that" and replies were mostly short: yes/no/okay. I felt good with the project despite having my W next to me. I was able to stay focus, lead well, and deal with the issues that came up (with the help of my team). I am proud of how I handled everything overall.

During lunch time, we went out with the team. We joined in during conversations but we never directed or responded to each other's talk. Personally it was weird, but we blended in well. I don't think the other team members caught on or had any idea that the both of us are actually having a marital crisis.

The only mistake that I think I made was that I asked her if I could get her anything for lunch. Both of us were looking at the menu, she was next to me, and when I looked at her I felt the surging need to give my care. I felt that I should at least offer to pay for lunch. She replied with "No thanks, I can take care of myself". I had a slight feeling of disappointment but I tried not to get absorbed into it. I should know better to not to initiate.

Ever since I've started distancing myself and detaching, W seems to be more distant. I wonder if she is doing the same thing: Is she is detaching herself in response to my own detachment? She hasn't initiated anything (apart from work) and she has shown no sign of remorse. I can feel the anxiety is starting to creep in, and I am starting to doubt myself. I don't know.

The roller coaster ride is real. At work and around people, I feel good, I am my own man, detached. On my own, I start to wane from my detachment. I read that DB is trial and error: do the things that work, and stop doing what doesn't. I can't tell if I am heading in the right direction, especially when W is getting distant. Should I continue my course of action? Or do I need a dose of 2x4s lol