Okay, so I need to work on acceptance of a divorce.
Who has a book recommendation for going through a divorce when you don’t want to. Not the DR, I’ve got that, I’ll try by accepting and giving space, but I need a book that I can read that will help me work on this.
I spoke to a friend that is sadly about 8 months ahead of me in his divorce. I asked him how he deals with the pain. He likened it to a football injury. He said I have to appreciate that I just snapped my collar bone in the field; he’s figuratively going through rehab. He said the trauma has just been very recent and that it hurts. Nothing is worse than having the one person in the world who stood up and said they would love you no matter what reject you. So much pain, so a book rec please.
I think for right now you should stay away from the coparenting books and the divorce books and maybe read something like the “Four Agreements”. The important thing is to eat right, CrossFit, get good sleep, meditate and look into starting a gratitude journal. I know it may not seem like it now but you will be grateful that you have a decent WW. On one thread today a WW called the police and made false charges against a LBS. Take things one day at a time and try not to look too distant into the future. Things will get better.
I was tired last night because of the previous nights lack of sleep and I also used 3mg of melatonin. Slept from 11p-5a, whichnis pretty good. Woke up once at 2a but was able to go back to sleep. At 5:30a realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep so i went to the gym.
I’ve heard of the four agreements. My coach told me about it just the other day so I’ll pick it up.
Sleep deprivation with lack of good nutrition (in my sitch I just couldn't eat), on top of anxiety, depression, and nervousness are a perfect storm. My health suffered, if you read my sitch you see right in the middle of it I ended up having to have chest xrays because I was having chest pains from lung inflammation. Flu, turned into sinus infection with lung inflammation turned into bronchitis and more lung inflammation. Our sitches can literally kill you.
You are doing the right thing with the working out, but also do not completely rule out medicinal remedies. Keep yourself healthy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m reading the book the Solo Partner and because I’m short on time before mediation I skipped to a part that looked relevant on Pursuer - Withdrawer patterns.
I never knew that I was actually the distancer, I always thought i was the pursuer. But this makes sense. My wife would pursue, I would distance and get defensive to stop the pursuit with a counter attack until she would stonewall, which allowed me to stay distant. That is and was our pattern.
He writes about all the traits of a distancer and it nails me - some of what she is seeing as narcissism. All the traits of a pursuer nail her. We weren’t able to break that cycle soon enough in our relationship and it caused major issues (as the author describes) of resentment and anger until she gave up.
Now what is interesting is the role reversal, but according to the book that is common. And according to the book, I’ll pursue until I get what I want and then I’ll withdraw, which I guarantee that I also do. That’s why she’s not coming back. She can’t trust that i will change after cycles of this.
I’m desperate to save this thing. This is about to get interesting. I highly recommend the book by Phil DeLuca to anyone who thinks there is a pattern of pursuit and withdraw circling their relationship.
That line of you are desperate to save this thing really concerns me. Listen to your MC that your W is done. I truly believe the odds are in your favor to get another chance but unfortunately that is going to take a really long time. No pressure or pursuit and do not try to use logic and reason.
I highly recommend the Solo Partner. The book is on the Recommended Reading Material thread over on the MLC Forum. Here is a link that was in Cadet' Welcome posting on the subject of distant and pursuit. It's a short read and may give you some insight if you skipped over the pursuer chapter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
