Gift #3

[unchien]

unchien - you sound like you're doing this - but just a reminder that you should be extra careful about what you put in writing to W. She sounds like she will misinterpret and later down the road might try to get a L to "misread" what you write. You're doing well, just keep this in the forefront of you mind.

Similarly, you being nothing but level-headed and asking logical questions via text and continuously stating you wish MORE time with you kids is something you should document. I don't know if any of it makes a difference legally. But it doesn't hurt, and I think you should be documenting in this time period.

I'm sorry for your sitch.

Thanks Yail. I've been very careful what I write (in text or otherwise) ever since I wrote the apology letters almost a year ago now. Things were very intense around the time we separated. I recall before I moved out that I said I didn't want to move out without a parenting schedule in place. I thought it was a fair request. She texted back, "Are you threatening me? You are threatening me!"

Right now our F2F interactions are limited to mediation and kid exchanges. I refuse to discuss things in front of the kids. Text is about all we have. We don't talk on the phone -- we do allow the other parent to video chat with the kids regularly, but the two of us never have discussions during those times. I am extremely careful in text, but I also feel if I don't bring up certain items to gauge where she is at, then I am waiting for mediation sessions which could be spaced a month apart.

Feeling both nervous and strong at the same time...

[unchien]

Some things I believe:

- our MR deteriorated when we moved 3 years ago and even some beforehand

- my W was unhappy and depressed once we moved

- I was also unhappy and felt emotionally shut out

- we both contributed to the gradual erosion. I accept my part and regret a lot. Mostly I’m trying to take those experiences and work towards a healthier approach to life - self differentiation, getting out of “people pleasing” mode, focusing on connecting with my kids more.

- once I grabbed my son’s leg in the car a couple years ago, my W had the “reason” she was unhappy all along. It was me. I think she was looking for a reason (maybe subconsciously).

I’d like to say I tried every reasonable way possible for a 50-50 arrangement. For the sake of my kids. But it doesn’t seem possible with my W’s mindset. So I am coming to peace with that conclusion. I could keep trying to mediate on and on but at what cost?

I’m on a mini 2 day winter break vacation with the kids. Booked it at the last minute, packed up the car, and away we went. Showing them new places, playing outdoors. Just an awesome 2 days. I feel calm and I think I’m finding some sort of closure that I’ve done what I can. Of course I could keep sticking it out but the “pro”s list for that one is short.

[LH19]

U,

Stop bsing yourself. If you want 50/50 then go for 50/50 and stop being afraid of what your W thinks is best. Nothing less then 50/50 was acceptable to me. I work full time and have them 50/50. Not a big deal. You make it work.

Are you afraid of you'll piss her off? Who gives a fuch? If you want to attract her back then show her you're not afraid of her anymore and tell her this is what I want. Anything less I'll see you in court.

When you say sticking it out. What does that mean? I can 100% guarantee you she's not changing her mind prior to divorce.

This board sometimes forgets that is about supporting what's best for the LBS and sometimes that's divorce. Poor KAS got shamed of the board because she did what was best for her and her family by filing.

[Ginger1]

I’d like to add..... do you feel 50/50 is truly what’s best for your kids? No for your W, not for you, but your kids????

Because if you do, then you don’t quit.

I’ll be honest, my ex and split when my daughter was 6 months old. I did not feel 50/50 was best. And I told him if he was going to ditch his family for a woman like that and give up time with his newborn daughter to be this woman, well, he isn’t getting 50/50. He didn’t want it and he didn’t fight me.
Time went by...... I did think more time with her dad would have been good for her when she got older. But he actually took a day away from himself when I got a new job. Then I actually had to ask him to pick up 2 more nights a month ( Sunday’s on his weekend) because my daughter didn’t understand why she didn’t get more time with her dad. I didn’t want to give it up, but it was best for HER.

There are some generally uninvolved fathers who come to this board all of a sudden wanting 50/50. Sometimes because they legit realized what was important, other times for selfish reasons. I always think the best route is the one that is truly beat for the kids.

Sometimes divorce is necessary to protect your finances and your custody and it’s completely reasonable .

The most important beings in this world are your children, hands down.

[TBSakaJ9]

My one regret through my D process is that I did not immediately D my xw and get her out of the house with 3 weeks of her wanting out. It would not have changed things but it sure would have made her a lot more uncomfortable

You are going to get D'd. Your wife is not waking up any time soon.

This board is more of a support system through the process. 99% of the women dont just wake up and even the men on this board that are still together with their wives walk around on egg shells, wondering if it's going to happen again.

Who gives a fuch what your wife wants. What do you want? If you want your kids half the time then dont settle for anything less.

[unchien]

LH, TB, agreed on all points and thanks for the direct honesty.

Ginger - I know the advice is to forget about the % and focus on what is best for the kids.

So what is best? My youngest is 4 and will hit K in 2021. All 3 are in a ton of activities - I think they are overloaded. My W thinks it is best if youngest does a part time preschool next year, and if I can’t pick up the kids after school and it impacts one of their activities then I should not have that time.

And my W constantly nods subtly to “safety concerns.” That pretty much forces my hand here, as many including LH and TB have pointed out. She can take me to court if she wants, but I won’t mediate with this tactic being used.

My W has not started working yet - her plan is to work ONE day a week while the kids are young. (We have not had a discussion about how this impacts support - she implies she will live as frugally as possible to maximize her time with the kids regardless).

I also think activity schedules should not dictate parenting time. I think we can easily work out a 50-50 schedule that works for everybody and keeps the kids active. It might not be exactly what they do now. Personally I think dance class is not as important as quality parenting time.

My hesitations about 50-50 are simple: I work FT. It may impact what my kids can do after school. I have 3 kids bunched in age. I’m not used to being the sole parent but in the last 8 months doing 30-70 I’ve learned that yes I can do this. There are easy solutions, after school programs, I can hire help to shuttle them to their sports practice one day a week. These are simple solutions that many married working parents use. My W may resist anything that involves letting go of her control but those solutions are not inherently “bad.”

So what is best for them? What if I said I would stop working for the next 4 years and live off my savings? Do I deserve more than 50-50? That is basically her stance.

It’s easy to get into circular thinking but I think what’s best for the kids is 50-50 provided both parents want involvement and it is possible to work out a schedule. Just because my W is reluctant and has a fantasy scenario that she works barely at all, keeps the house, and volunteers at school doesn’t mean it is best for the kids. That is an idealized life that we used to have.

This post has become more rambling than I intended. I think the house and my W’s reluctance to renter the work force make it really hard to discuss what’s best for the kids. Courts would look at all these factors and want a plan to restabilize our new separate lives. It is not reasonable for her to hide behind those excuses IMO.

Incidentally 2 months ago I thought my W and I had agreed to a 40-60 schedule that would have had ZERO impact to the kids schedules (other than where they sleep some nights). My W had agreed - I posted about how elated I was at the time - then she went back on it.

Anyways all the above being said, I’m happy to do what’s best for the kids but my W is not the judge and jury. I know what is best is somewhere between 40 and 50 for me. Probably time to aim for what I think is best rather than aim low.

[mtb1981]

Go for the 50-50. I have seen numerous studies indicating that is what is best for the kids as long as both parents are wanting to be involved in their kids' lives. You seem like a good dad that is willing to make the necessary adjustments and sacrifices to give your kids what they need and want...

I'm just guessing here, but I think your W wants a greater amount of time because she wants a bigger check from you for child support. She's using the kids as an excuse to not work and wants you to front the bill. In her mind, she would rather have the kids and work one day a week than for you to have them half the time and have to go out and get a job...

[TBSakaJ9]

I work full time, take my kids to school every morning and pick them up every night after school. I wake up every morning, feed them breakfast, get them dressed and out the door we go. I pay for them to go to after school care at their school and they are their until I get off of work and can pick them up. I take them to all of their basketball and soccer practices when it is my week as well. At night I make dinner, give them showers, do homework and put them to bed.

You can make it happen if you want to!

I left work yesterday at 4:25 so I could get my youngest to soccer practice at 5 and my oldest to her practice at 5:30. We didn't get home until 7:15 but after showers and Chicka Filet they were in bed at 8:30

The less she works and the more custody she has the more you are going to pay! You have more control over your money when you have 50/50.

I have a buddy that pays his XW 2300 per month and she barely works, kept the family home and drives around in a brand new Benzo.

How bad would that piss you off???

think bro!

[LH19]

Holy $hit U I want to choke you through the board.

I don’t give a $hit what your W thinks. I want to know what you think. What’s more important especially for your son, time with his father or after school activities? If your son spends the majority of his time with his two sisters and a domineering woman well guess what it’s not gonna turn out well for future relationships for him.

Fuch her safety concerns. Tell her you are done listening to that BS.

Take this weekend to figure what you want and then go out and get it.

[rooskers]

Unchien this should not be about what your wife thinks, feels, assumes, or wants. This is about what you want and what is best for your children. As of right now her manipulation, accusations, and fantasy life is more harmful to the children than what ever you did in the past from what you have written. The children need to see someone that is strong, stable, hardworking, honest, loving, caring, and doesn't take a victimization approach to life. Maybe your wife needs to go back to work/school and learn to start taking care of herself because if you are divorced that is exactly what she is going to need to do. If that is the case then maybe you should have more custody than her because you already have the job and stability for the children and she will not. Have you ever thought maybe you could be the better provider for the children's emotional, physical, and spiritual needs? Just trying to open your eyes to the possibility that maybe you are what the children need right now.