TBS, LH - I actually do have things in motion towards my goal but come here to sort out my feelings. The whole safety narrative will undoubtedly affect my kids, directly or indirectly, and I can only control myself. You know about my apology letters. My W has choices to make. I wish I could make the one decision that would allow for my kids to get through this transition as best as possible but I cannot control it. I wish we could mediate like civil adults towards mutually respectful goals. I’m not seeing it. I know it’s frustrating to hear how I just won’t make the decision. I wish there was another way. I don’t have faith in the mediation process working with her mindset. It’s hard to let go of that because I do see myself as a reasonable person ready to work through difficult issues - but the reality is I often accomplish that by caving into others. I can mediate and end things civilly but accept less than I really want. That’s the deal. It’s not a matter of me standing up to her in mediation. I understand that is an option but what is her motivation to change anything?
Rooskers - that post meant a lot. I have followed your sitch and I know you have dealt with so much hostility while also doing what’s best for your daughter.
U, I'll add my voice to the chorus here. Your youngest is 4. That means you have around 13 years until you're an empty-nester. I want you to really think about that. Your time with your kids is not infinite. Even 50-50 custody means you only see them half of their remaining years in the home. Once they move out whether that's to college or to a job somewhere you will see them MUCH less. So maximize the time you have left with them. Take it from a 58-year-old with two grown kids and one almost out of high school- the time passes very, VERY fast. And once they're gone you don't want to be looking back regretting that you didn't spend more time with them.
You've heard the old cliche' "they grow up so fast!" Well it is completely true, you'll find yourself looking back wondering what happened to those little kids you loved so much. Somewhere along the line they turned into adolescents, and then adults. And you still love them just as much, but they are different when grown. This is really hard to describe but once you go through it you'll understand. Your kids as the "young", innocent, wide-eyed versions of themselves are only here for a brief time. Maximize that time, it is something you will never, ever regret even if you have to fight tooth and nail for it.
I am feeling strong and resolute about next steps. I feel like I've always been 3 steps behind the last 2 years -- behind in realizing our MR was eroding, behind in realizing I was going to be BD'ed, behind in realizing MC1 and MC2 were not really "marriage counseling," behind in realizing my W had no interest in compromising in a reasonable (IMO) way.
I know there will likely be some major blowback to deal with, and there will be some difficult periods upcoming. This is my one life to live and I'm going to fight for what I feel is fair and right, for me and for my kids.
Interactions with my W are down to a minimum. There are little co-parenting issues that annoy me, but I leave them alone. Sending messages through S7 rather than contacting me directly, that sort of thing. I suppress the instinct to address these things -- I know I'll get more of the same aggressive defensive responses.
It's ok. Must of were behind in realizing a lot of things. Who cares if there's blow back. How does that effect you? If these issues are annoying to you then address them with her. You should be happy your interactions are at a minimum.
I know your kids are younger but I take the philosophy that I let my ex parent them her way when with her and I parent them my way when with me. It's really not that complicated.
LH ~ I agree on the parenting approach you describe. This week I’ve had the kids all week. My W would typically arrange for dinner parties with friends, I like to plan fun outings for the kids (zoo etc.) Both are okay and I like having my own approach.
I have a lot of bad dreams about the potential blowback. You know about my letters. I dream about being on a witness stand on court, about my in-laws harassing me, about life getting more unsettled than it is now, about my W moving far away juuuuuuust inside the limits but making it harder for me to do 50-50. About my W berating me about everything, accusing me, etc. On and on. Nothing that stops me from pressing forward. I know it’s unpredictable how things will go.
Most of what you are experiencing is catastrophic thinking. If she moves away that will make it harder on her. You control so much more than you think, you just have to have the balls to pull it off. You want 50/50 then get 50/50 fuch her. You want to be talk to like an adult. Tell her. Don’t fuching talk to me like a child.
I nipped that in the but with my ex early on. She had the power and she new it because i didn’t want D. One day she was talking down to me and I said that exact thing. She said “oh ok” all cocky. Then 15 minutes later she apologized and that was the end of that. Still D’d me but no longer talked down to me.
As far as standing up to her directly I am cautious. Just in the past two months she has called me angry, out of control, and delusional when I have calmly asserted my thoughts. I don’t care what she thinks, but I do want to proceed with a bit of caution right now. None of our existing arrangements with the kids or finances are in writing.
Even more reason to D her a$$ and get some clarity. I’m really not sure what tour afraid of unless there is more to the child abuse and letters then you are telling us.
LH ~ there is nothing I am not telling you. I am conflict avoidant and the universe finally created a situation to force me to deal with it. It’s the right choice to move forward. L agrees.
That doesn’t mean my W won’t exaggerate and spin tales. I’ve heard hearsay and slander are all acceptable in family court. But I’d rather fight for what’s right than submit just to keep the peace.
It has taken me some time to decide mediation without L’s is a dead end. It will not get me anywhere near what I want (and what I think is fair) unless my W resets her expectations. That won’t happen just by me standing up for myself. I have yet to hear about a divorcing couple mediate successfully when they were so far off to start with. I wish that by saying what I want in simple terms I could reset the narrative, but it won’t.
Anyways things will start moving soon.
On the parenting front, I’ve had the kids for 8 straight days, longest stretch to date. It feels great and tiring at the same time. Youngest asked me when I am moving back home... really hard to hear but it’s outside my control now. I accept that W and I are incompatible at this point and there’s no looking back. I love being dad on my own terms and finding my own parenting voice and style
