Seems like things are going well with you and your kids. That's a good thing
LH is right. You set your own narrative. You wrote apology letters - so what? You were doing everything you could to keep your MR together. That's what it looks like when you step out of your perspective.
If you choose to give those letters and pulling the car over power, they have power. If you see them for what they were - then their importance lessens.
I'm not saying you have to pretend things didn't happen. Acknowledge everything, accept that it happened, but also acknowledge that they were just normal things to do for someone who was under tremendous stress and desperate to save his M.
I think most people on the outside looking in would see that.
LH is right. You set your own narrative. You wrote apology letters - so what? You were doing everything you could to keep your MR together. That's what it looks like when you step out of your perspective.
If you choose to give those letters and pulling the car over power, they have power. If you see them for what they were - then their importance lessens.
I'm not saying you have to pretend things didn't happen. Acknowledge everything, accept that it happened, but also acknowledge that they were just normal things to do for someone who was under tremendous stress and desperate to save his M.
Thanks IW.
I feel like there was a window of time where my W and I could have talked about these things. We went to MC for 6 months post-S, and in almost every session my W alluded to these things without directly talking about them. I listened non-defensively and validated and remained open. The C would point out to my W that I was open and honest and ready to listen - and she refused to go further. I am okay with that, it is her decision.
I gave it time.
Unfortunately, that window has passed. I can no longer continue losing out on time with my kids and losing out financially. It has taken me some time to accept that I need to move on (and yes I am aware I frustrate many on this board with my sloth-like expediency). The only reason to keep sticking it out would be if I had hopes for R in the short-term, and I do not. It would require my W to change in ways that, well, I'm not going to stick around waiting for her. I don't see it happening. I'll walk my own path and if she comes back somehow (which I cannot possibly foresee) maybe I'll be open. But I can't stick around waiting under the existing circumstances.
The passing of that window also means I need to move more to a protective stance. I don't want a nasty legal battle. I also am not going to acknowledge and validate certain things anymore. That ship sailed.
I still acknowledge privately, to myself, to my IC, here, what happened. I don't ignore those things. But there will be no more discussion with my W about them.
I am grateful for what I have learned from coming here so far. I don't see my situation as a failure... although at times I think I should have been *less* patient. There is a fine line between needing to validate and needing to set boundaries /stand up for oneself, and I think so many of us LBS's struggle and sometimes overcorrect ourselves into validation mode. I don't know. Or maybe I never found "what works" and my MR did actually have a chance.
I gave it 10 years after her first affair (talk about sloth-like expediency). During that time I thought we were in reconciliation but in all honesty she was just bidding her time until she found another person to leave me for. During that time she ignored me, treated me like I was nothing, admitted anything she was doing was faked, and treated D14 in a similar way. Many of the LBS do anything to save not just their marriage but their family. I wanted so bad for D14 to not have to be another statistic but in the end it takes more than one to save and become a family. A lot of veterans on this board say that you will know and feel when it is right and it sounds like you are there. It doesn't mean you are a failure it just means you realize her problems are not yours and until she deals with them you have to look after yourself and your children. I would recommend staying on the board because you are going to need the support. The roller coaster ride is just beginning a new phase.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Ok U if I am reading this correctly you are ready to file. You are done trying to placate your W and are no longer going to validate her $hitty behavior. If this is correct I am in full agreement with you. I’m not going to lie, I do not like your W. She’s not even a WW and I despise her for trying to portray you as abusive. To me that is the lowest of the low in WW land. She’s manipulated you since day one to try to get everything she wants and her way. It doesn’t work that way.
Everyone has to come to terms with things on their own timeline and it sounds like you are finally ready.
I agree with LH. We all come here wanting to save our M's, but eventually (after receiving many 2x4's) we learn that what we should REALLY be doing is saving ourselves. Once we save ourselves then whether recon happens or not becomes a secondary concern, because we learn that the primary concern is that we are happy, healthy, focused, strong, independent individuals. Because if we're not, then we are terrible spouses, parents and workers. Focus on yourself and everything else in life follows suit. Do what's right for you, even if that means D.
Navigating the next steps is going to be tricky due to some of my circumstances, but I can't describe the level of relief I feel to have L advice. Rather than feel like I have either/or options (status quo, or flip the table over), I have an array of options across the spectrum. It gives me confidence, which also helps manage the day-to-day interactions I still have with W over little things.
On the journal side, for some reason I am on a mission to reorganize my house. My kids have a little play area which is just overflowing with little toys, 90% of which are stuffed in bins and never used. I am not a particularly neat person, but I do prefer not having excess clutter... it stresses me out!
Perhaps it is spring cleaning (I live in a warmer state, so yes, spring appears to be arriving). It feels good to be living a little more purposefully. I'm more focused at work. I have a little more bounce in my step, just a little. My mantra lately is: keep building. Work on building something new.
Unchien - your last post about the spring cleaning was great. Nice to hear you have a bit of a bounce in your step. Hopefully you can continue this in general.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Sounds so great, U! I third the spring cleaning... spent the weekend doing the same (still have a little more to go) and having the excess clutter gone is really so stress-relieving. Keep it all up!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
