Wait... is that from Bob the... [facepalm]... Are my life choices influenced subliminally by kid shows?!
Kids shows are the best when your life need guidance!!
Recently I was watching Pinocchio with my boys and I swear every line spoke to me.
“Always let conscience be your guide.” “ Yep, temptations. They’re the wrong things that seem right at the time, but, uh… even though the right things may seem wrong sometimes, or sometimes the wrong things,[chuckles] may be right at the wrong time, or visa versa.”
Also my boys learned about mortgage by watching Teen Titans. Lol.
This house-cleaning fever I have lately feels new and strange.
I had the kids for a full week, ending a week ago. I felt like my kitchen was disorganized, counters covered with random stuff, and the play area for the kids was a disaster. I had "inherited" so many toys from the home, so many of them stuffed away in IKEA drawers, not being used. And with a week straight with the kids, things were strewn everywhere.
In the past, I would not have much motivation to overhaul things. Maybe a minor clean-up here and there. But every night this week I have dedicated a solid 2-3 hours to my project. I'm running 5 boxes of donations out this morning.
It feels less like spring cleaning, and more like defining my new life. I hope this mindset sticks, I like it, but it's only been a few days.
I'm not really a minimalist, but I do lean towards the "stuff owns you" mindset. It is stressful to me to maintain "stuff", where to put it, etc. I like keeping life simpler, and prefer spending money on experiences (like taking my kids on a 2-night trip when I had them). It's daunting how much there is left to do. But it feels cathartic to make little changes towards defining how I want to live my life.
Amid all this newfound energy, I've "leveled up" my self-awareness. It's so easy on these 10 day stretches barely seeing the kids to sort of just trudge along. Spend a couple nights bingeing TV. Leave the house a mess. Live without purpose, or just focus on some future goal of custody or finances. Who cares if I stay up late tonight, I can sleep in tomorrow. That sort of thing.
This week I have more purpose. When I feel that tendency to loaf around a little bit, I'm kicking myself in the butt to move. I'm on top of my game at work. My house is a work in progress but I'm liking the direction. I have a lot more to do, and I'll break off little chunks. I don't feel manic, or like I'm just doing all this to distract myself from the stress of my sitch, although that is a side benefit no doubt.
There has been quite a bit of communication with W about various issues. I'm keeping things vague on the board for anonymity at this stage. Some of those communications are challenging for me, I feel a flood of certain emotions. It requires an attentiveness -- filter the message... "OK this one is safe to respond to, this other one I need to think about, etc." Or "don't answer this question, it is bait". Or "I feel this is wrong, but perhaps now is not the time to address it amid all the other issues swirling around" Yesterday there will probably 10 different things. It's a lot.
One other update for the week... I told my IC I'd like to refocus on deeper issues from my childhood. Often our sessions involve me rehashing the recent past, discussing anxiety and how to deal with it, and I end the session feeling no less anxious. I realized I was just spending an hour venting... which is not all that helpful with my type of anxiety. I felt good about this conversation, and setting some focus moving forward.
I also may try going to IC less frequently. I am using some of my work flexibility to attend these weekly sessions, and I want to make sure I leave my flexibility open for more time with my kids. It's a tricky balance, but I'd like to try it out.
There has been quite a bit of communication with W about various issues. I'm keeping things vague on the board for anonymity at this stage. Some of those communications are challenging for me, I feel a flood of certain emotions. It requires an attentiveness -- filter the message... "OK this one is safe to respond to, this other one I need to think about, etc." Or "don't answer this question, it is bait". Or "I feel this is wrong, but perhaps now is not the time to address it amid all the other issues swirling around" Yesterday there will probably 10 different things. It's a lot.
I completely understand where you are coming from. The emails we receive and respond to have a lot of potential lasting consequences both legally and emotionally. It is difficult knowing which ones should be answered and which ones should be left alone. It makes it even more difficult because the response has to be taken in terms of legal consequences and most of us are not lawyers and can't pay a lawyer to help us respond to each email. I am also finding I am getting better at keeping all emotions and feelings out of my responses but even that can convey a sense of coldness. I have to say ~U~ that the emotional drain on things like this can sometimes be overwhelming.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
I completely understand where you are coming from. The emails we receive and respond to have a lot of potential lasting consequences both legally and emotionally. It is difficult knowing which ones should be answered and which ones should be left alone. It makes it even more difficult because the response has to be taken in terms of legal consequences and most of us are not lawyers and can't pay a lawyer to help us respond to each email. I am also finding I am getting better at keeping all emotions and feelings out of my responses but even that can convey a sense of coldness. I have to say ~U~ that the emotional drain on things like this can sometimes be overwhelming.
It is absolutely a drain.
For instance, my W asked to shift our schedule for an upcoming weekend. My initial reaction was NO. Why should I put myself out? But I requested she give me some time to consider. I looked at it, figured out I would end up with some more time with the kids at the expense of using up a little bit of my work flexibility, and decided to say OK. I did not feel compelled to say yes or no based on her needs.
Great, right? But it's still exhausting to go through that process. Careful attention to every word. I guess in my case once I have a more formal legal agreement I will feel safer.
And it is frustrating to know if I asked for the same, I would get a hard NO.
Rather than aim for coldness, I aim to keep things business-like. Some of the advice in co-parenting is to use "I feel..." statements, but I think that doesn't work if the other person does not care about how I feel. (similar to validation here). I prefer to remain neutral and calm yet guarded.
I felt like my kitchen was disorganized, counters covered with random stuff, and the play area for the kids was a disaster.. In the past, I would not have much motivation to overhaul things.. But every night this week I have dedicated a solid 2-3 hours to my project. I'm running 5 boxes of donations out this morning.
Yes!! I went through a cleaning phase so *that* wasn't a reason she wouldn't return, so when she stopped by she'd see what she was *missing*. I'm now cleaning my home 100% for my own happiness.
Originally Posted by Unchien
It feels less like spring cleaning, and more like defining my new life.
I approve your attitude.. a shift from choosing what to discard based on what we longer need.. to choosing what to keep to best define the new life we want to lead. You have a Marie Kondo streak in you.
S’s birthday on Friday. It’s not my weekend but I met the kids and their mom for dinner on Friday. S brought a friend. They talked with each other the whole time. It’s okay, I get it. He opened my gifts in the parking lot. W talked about giving me time this weekend to spend 1:1 with him but in the end she planned events and it didn’t work out. Parties 2 days, one with neighbors and one with friends. I won’t lie I am frustrated that she offered time with him this weekend but hanging out with the neighbors was higher priority.
And now I can’t sleep.
I know what my plan is next. It’s not about that.
It’s feeling like I’m drifting apart from my kids. And I know every parent feels that way when their kids start growing up. But I also feel shut out. I’m upset. I was excited to spend that time with S. Instead I’m paying for parties that I can’t attend at a house I pay for. I’m not there for my son’s birthday.
Also I feel a loss of community. My parents, my W. I’m living in a new place. I don’t make friends easily and I feel alone and lacking support and lost much of the time.
It’s the middle of the night and I know these thoughts are irrational but it’s what keeps me up at night.
Well put, LH19. Unchien, hope you get this sorted a.s.a.p. She shouldn’t get more birthday time than you. She probably wouldn’t have much luck pushing that point in a courtroom. Hope you were able to sleep in and rest a bit.
The kids aren’t “hers”. I wonder what stops you from politely asserting your rights.
