If he asked me how I was doing I'd probably say well that's not your concern anymore, right? Obviously he wanted out so that's part of it IMO. He was just temp checking you. If it feels like a temp check, just politely avoid playing into it. He obviously wasn't there to share anything with you to make you feel better.
I agree with your last paragraph.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sunday he gave me the "I'm confused" conversation. The previous night we had family over for our oldest's birthday. I went for a walk, and he assumed I was mad at him. I wasn't. I just started feeling anxious (I have GAD), realized I had missed my midday walk, and went. It's just a regular thing I do to manage symptoms. By the time I got back to the house, he had packed a bag and said he was leaving because he wasn't welcome. After untangling that misunderstanding, he was relieved. The rest of the day was good. The next morning we had a pre-planned conversation about goals for our youngest, and, once that was done, I asked if he needed to talk about last night. That was the "I'm confused" conversation. He still beat around the bush, but I can see the gears slowly but surely turning. I just listened then basically called bs on him acting negatively on a conflict he created 100% in his mind. He owned up to it and apologized.
I feel like both of us have made a lot of progress. It may not sound like it here, but, compared to before it's astounding. This is exactly the kind of relationship I always wanted. We used to be more emotionally connected, like years and years ago. It just became more difficult as life got more complicated. But now both of us are doing self care, he's being an actual equal partner and co-parent. We're working as an actual team, and that has never happened. It was the typical, old-fashioned man goes to work and wifey does everything else. Now it's just working.
So I am confused. He said he was done 8 weeks ago, but now you guys are doing well? Has he given up on the D?
I don't think he is 100% there yet, but he is definitely seeing things more clearly and is on the fence. He actually initiated a conversation the night before last during which he admitted that he was self-sabotaging, that he gets a lot of anxiety when things are good because then that means he will be in more pain when things (inevitably, in his mind) turn bad. He also said that he never expected to ask for a divorce. I asked what changed, and he said he didn't know.
We are doing incredibly well. Communication has been on point. We're more of a team regarding kids and the business side of life. Any emotional conversations are initiated by him, and I've been working on validation versus fixing or interjecting. He is opening up more. Our relationship unfortunately has never been so good. It's not complete obviously, but I now feel like not only is it possible but likely.
I have not forgotten to GAL. I have a daily routine that takes care of me physically and emotionally. I am rotating through four different books right now-DR, a relationship book we are reading together (more introspective, own your mistakes than relationship skills), a mental health book, and fiction just for fun. I attend a support group twice a month. We trade off Saturdays for me time, and I've been reconnecting with friends, going to the park and library (two of my favorite things to do). I'm doing a painting class my next Saturday. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist church a few weeks ago. I take care of my appearance, and I am foxey as hell. I'm making art again. I 100% believe I will be okay emotionally if we never work this out. I will hate being a single parent and the financial part is overwhelming, but me as a human being will be great.
I was journaling and remembered in the book it asks, “If he starts to believe that your marriage is salvageable, what will he start doing differently?” I did not mark the page or chapter. I just started taking notes in linear form. Anyways, I jotted down 1. Ask me about myself, more than just a surface how are you. 2. Initiates spending time together (no kids or business matters). 3. A kind gesture, such as bringing me a treat or texting me a joke, etc. I had forgotten to keep up with it, and it turns out that these were all met by 03/01.
Update time! Things are still plugging along. The greatest difficulty I have is managing my emotions. I have anxiety, and I spiral a bit in my mind. I have a care plan and routine that helps, but, as I'm sure you are all aware, this is a stressful time with an extra heap of stress due to the coronavirus. I am doing okay, definitely better than I would have in the past. Since last time, he initiated a conversation about his feelings. It didn't start off as a relationship talk, more mental health, but he's seeing how one effects the other. He said that he doesn't know why he asked for a divorce. That he has fear that makes him feel anxious that makes him self sabotage. Awareness is the first step. I am totally stepping back, as I see him figuring all this out. He doesn't currently see me as a threat (I mean as in pain, rejection, etc.). He's realized that he created that narrative largely based on assumptions and misunderstanding. I'm not ignorant to some very real pain in our relationship. I feel like he is solving the puzzle but not completely there. And he's going to have to get there to be with me. I feel really good about things right now. With the virus stuff, he's gone into protector mode and been very supportive and thoughtful. We stayed up late one night after the kids had gone to bed. Kicked back with some booze. It was a lot of fun and laughs, then he brought up the relationship. My filter was gone. Things did get tense, difficult. Not bad. Not a fight. Just a little too real perhaps. But he didn't pull back the next day. I'm actually seeing that he is pursuing me. Idk it's working. Despite being homebound for the most part, I'm keeping up with what I can. Lots of walks in the neighborhood, art projects, reading, etc. That part has been good. Health scares, not so much. The panic we're seeing in our area, not so much. But we're safe and supporting each other and our kids. We've got what we need. We're good.
Another update! Things are more or less the same. I kind of lost my drive for a bit. Our anniversary was this week, so I withdrew while grieving. He withdrew as well. Neither one of us acknowledged the day other than one of those intense, prolonged, silent gazes. It took me a couple days, but I remembered when I had last seen that look. We dated for a year, spent three apart, then dated again and married. The look he gave me on our anniversary was the same as the last time I saw him after we broke up. We were trying to be just friends, and he looked at me weird and said my eyes were beautiful. I told him he wasn't allowed to say that anymore, because we weren't together. It got awkward, and I left. I wanted to be with him, and he still wanted to be with me. I was trying to move on, and he realized just a little too late his mistake. Boom.
One new development is touching. He's doing the whole casual light touches oops I brushed past you there thing. It's very middle school and hilarious, but I'm loving it. Since the weather has warmed up a bit, we hang out Saturday night on the deck. We have a really nice view and just kick back for a couple hours. We're making masks for local healthcare workers. Covid19: bringing the world together and apart simultaneously. Idk this sounds boring now that I'm typing it, but I'd prefer boring over negative drama. No mention of the divorce or separation or anything like that. We did start a weekly meeting to discuss kids and other business-y matters. So, now we have breakfast and coffee together on Sundays before the kids get up. I have to say we're more of a team than ever before. And, just now I realized we have new routines where we spend time alone. Huh. So, I guess things have improved. Some things just aren't that obvious until they are, I guess.
I finally finished the book. I still need to streamline my notes. I've read some other great books, and I feel better prepared for whatever phase this is.
Other GAL-related activities...I'm still walking just around the neighborhood, and I'm looking into adding something--yoga, weights, something. My body has adjusted to where walking isn't a challenge at all. Parks are officially reopened with social distancing, etc., so I plan on hiking tomorrow. House is sparkling clean. We probably have one more frost before anything can be done to the garden. I did pick up a couple succulents for indoors. I buy fresh flowers weekly now. I recreate classic paintings with sidewalk chalk on our driveway. That's a lot of fun. One support group is now online. Church service is now online. I try to check in with family and friends often. One group of friends did a cocktail party via zoom. I feel like I'm doing the best I can with the current situation. I've gotten more confident in my ability to be fine emotionally. It may even be easier to walk away. But I'm determined to do the best I can so that I have no regrets. I hope he does the same.
I had my first major "believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do" ah-ha moment. He's been attempting the same conversation for two weeks now. I've been trying to figure out what he's saying, and it's so confusing. A lot of the things seem conflicting. He thinks he's codependent and asked me to help him not be codependent. That's not how that works, dude. He wants to spend more time together. I offered to go on a hike with him, and he declined saying he was afraid we had different mindsets on what that would mean. He wants more alone time but seeks me out daily and sometimes sulks if I'm unavailable. He encouraged me to pursue independent interests, then listed off a handful of my independent interests. Why would I need more if you can casually list them off the top of your head? Why do you need to tell me how to live my life? And the real important question: Why does any of this matter if we are getting a divorce? He still has not said anything about reconciliation.
It seems here that I have to look at the facts only. What he is saying or maybe not saying doesn't add up to me. There has been no movement towards divorce. He initiates communication daily. He is taking care of his mental health. He is reading self help books--on depression, parenting, communication (obviously he has not mastered this one yet haha). He is taking better care of himself physically. He is doing nice things for me, like compliments, little treats, gestures, etc. He's learning to cook and not just basic stuff. (I'm a chef, so this is big for me.)
I had my first major "believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do" ah-ha moment. He's been attempting the same conversation for two weeks now. I've been trying to figure out what he's saying, and it's so confusing. A lot of the things seem conflicting. He thinks he's codependent and asked me to help him not be codependent. That's not how that works, dude.
Lol!! This made me laugh. Maybe you could direct him to the right places to seek help? Tell him to google “how to not be co-dependent” himself? Lol. But for him to ask for help nonetheless is a good step towards the right direction I think?
Originally Posted by uzer74
It seems here that I have to look at the facts only. What he is saying or maybe not saying doesn't add up to me. There has been no movement towards divorce. He initiates communication daily. He is taking care of his mental health. He is reading self help books--on depression, parenting, communication (obviously he has not mastered this one yet haha). He is taking better care of himself physically. He is doing nice things for me, like compliments, little treats, gestures, etc. He's learning to cook and not just basic stuff. (I'm a chef, so this is big for me.)
Your H does sound very confused still. It sounds like he’s at least making effort to become a better person. So before he makes significant progress on that, he will still be confused and his behavior and words will continue to confuse you. Hang in there!!
