Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2883558&page=1

Part 1 found above. Previous thread called "Today is Such a Hard Day."

Brief Summary: Married almost 25 years. Three kids. Husband who had an EA/PA for 2 years with a good friend of mine. H wants to divorce so he can live his best life because the grass is greener on the other side.

[oceangrl]

My H is freezing me out. He hasn't been calling at night anymore. I don't know why, but I am so shocked by it. And then I am shocked that I am shocked. When he comes back in town he will spend time with the kids while ignoring me except for asking about dinner, etc. I hate that and I am ready to kick his butt out over the way he has been treating me.

Here's the irony. We had a conversation about his business. it's not doing well. He is not sure if he can get paid this month. We have gone through our savings. The dude is freezing me out to divorce me. I have no idea how he thinks he can afford a divorce or child support/alimony. We've been married almost 25 years. He travels often so I would think that would affect it. He seems to believe that I will accept whatever he proposes for divorce/child sharing/etc and we won't need lawyers. Okay, buddy.

Sorry, I'm just mad tonight. And hurt. I am becoming more and more unattracted to him due to his behavior. I cannot believe this is where I am in life. I know I will be okay, I just know there is a lot of hell to go through before I get there. And broken-hearted children. I did well today, but I did surprise myself by crying in the shower. Sometimes I feel the sadness of it all so much. And knowing he is not feeling it is another sad thing. He believes it will be easy divorce and then bam -- he will find Miss Wonderful. Who knows, maybe he will.

Detachment = not letting his words or deeds affect you emotionally.

How would you say you are doing in that regard?

I see LBWs in particular all the time give lip service to detachment, and even recognize "I am still not detached". Almost as if not being detached is a badge of honor. Sorry, but detachment is not for your sitch or to affect your WAH. IT IS FOR YOU! It is impossible to move forward without detaching.

Detachment is freeing. It helps ebb the pain. It will give you a new perspective. Detachment makes you go from thinking your life is over unless he comes back, to realizing that the world is your oyster REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE DECIDES.

When I started to detach well, the affect it had on me was profound. OH and in my sitch it also happened to help her see that she was standing to lose everything important in her life, and woke her up. NOTE: That second part is not guaranteed in anyone else's sitch. HOWEVER, that is not the reason for detachment. See my previous paragraph for why detachment is so important. TO THE LBS!! Sometimes it has the side-effect that it has an affect on the WAS.

Detach. Detach. Detach. You are happy. Upbeat. Fulfilled. Pleased. Looking forward to an awesome life. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES.

How would I say I am doing in regard to detachment? Honestly, I am way far from where I started. I was pretty desperate, pathetic, and needy and in need of validation from him. BUT I have way far to go.

I have to remind myself over and over that I am a catch. Of course, the old-school girl inside me raised to have humility balks at it, but I am getting over that. As I detach more, the halo has seriously fallen from his head. I am seeing him more for what he is and his selfishness, his way of being the biggest victim on the planet, the sensitivity chip missing from his brain.

It's a good wake up call though that I've got to do better, for my own sake. I am so tired of suffering over someone who doesn't treat me great, isn't very nice to me, has the world revolve around him, and blames me for all this problems. I am waking up this last month, and this board has been a huge part of that. Honestly, I keep coming back to posts like yours when I feel my self slipping for the desired 2x4 up my head. I feel the ground begin to reform underneath me and feel more positive.

This will be my mantra this week.

[oceangrl]

Hi oceangirl,

I have no good words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, I know how rough this is and he is definitely in la-la land right now.

Is there anything you can do right now to protect yourself and your kids? I can't remember if you've seen an attorney yet or not, but with the $$ thing that seems like a good next step?

(((HUGS)))

May! Thanks for your support. La la land is the worst.

Next week I am going to contact attorneys in my home state. I am hoping I can possibly have a consultation by phone? Is that wise? Ugh, new territory for me here.

[Traveler]

I have to remind myself over and over that I am a catch. Of course, the old-school girl inside me raised to have humility balks at it, but I am getting over that.

It's often easier to spot what makes others a "catch" than to see it in ourselves. You definitely have some strengths and desirable traits. Well done, Oceangirl. Hope you find beach time this weekend.

I am hoping I can possibly have a consultation by phone? Is that wise?

I rarely see my attorney in-person. Any papers she could read in-person are more quickly read in PDF format with the "Search" button. I think no harm in being remote.

[may22]

Hi Oceangirl,

The D book that I got (and triggered H so much when I read) is called Divorce with Decency. It is available on Amazon. I really appreciated reading through it because it felt like the basics that any good attorney would give you, help you look for the right attorney, and just getting yourself in the situation of knowing more about how to protect yourself and your kids. All a lot cheaper too than having a real L walk you through it. I just got worried when you said the part about your H's business not going so well and plus he's in this fantasy land of D. I definitely think a phone consult is totally fine. A lot of them prefer to do the initial free consultation by phone. You might also want to look into what state you can actually D in (if you get that far) since there are also residency requirements sometimes to that part as well.

I want to push back a little on Steve and detaching. I follow most of the LBWs here and I just don't see anyone using the "I'm not detached yet" as a badge of honor. I have been in deep, deep in that place and I see it more as feeling detachment is an unreachable goal, like enlightenment/nirvana and just as impossible to reach. It is so easy when you have some miles between you and those awful feelings when you're deep in the $hit to simply say-- dude, you need to detach, stop crying and about it and just do it. When you're there... it really isn't all that simple. I am far more detached than I was before, though nowhere near the "I don't care if my H had an orgy" level of detachment (well, I'm not sure I would really care too much about that, but I would probably still care if he came home tomorrow and said he changed his mind and was MO. Though more for my kids than for me.) And I still feel guilty when trying to encourage others to look up, beyond the sitch, focus on themselves and their kids and other people who love them and enriching experiences... because I know how it feels to not be able to see over the side of the hole you're in.

All that to say... I get it. It is super hard. And you still have to do it. For yourself and for your kids. I think this is one area where fake it til you make it can really help. And you DO deserve better than what he is able to give you right now-- don't forget that.

I also have a few questions for you, which you don't have to answer now if you don't feel like it (or ever). In your sitch, what happened between when he ended the A and now? He never really re-committed to working on the R or took responsibility? Does he still have contact with the AP-- I feel like I read at one point that they still see each other at work? (And WTF I can't stop turning over and over in my head that she was a good friend of yours... assuming that friendship is over? How do you feel about that part of it?) Has it been this bad consistently or just since he's said again he wants to end the M? Did you ever start your sexual relationship back up since the A? When did you move to CA? Sorry for all the questions... you've been through so much and I don't want to make you live through it again. But if it is in any way helpful for you to share a little more of what came between the A and now, I also think it would help a lot of us who are earlier in the process.

M xx

[oceangrl]

Thank you CWarrior and May for your support and advice. I appreciate it so much. May, I will get to your questions tomorrow I promise. It wasn't a great weekend and I took some space to take care of myself. And yes! I did go to the beach to sit. And cry.

Anyway, Somehow we got in an R talk. I think because we went to MC. The session was fine, it was the first with this therapist and I thankfully like him. So I think we started talking later.

He basically said he doesn't have the desire to make it work. And he said that he has these judgements against me. I told him I can't do anything about that. He has made me a monster ( that began during his PA -- if I am a monster then he doesn't feel like he's a bad person for what he is doing) in his head, and I told him it's his job to address those feelings. I told him that if he could look at me like that after he had a PA with a friend of ours and I didn't smear him or expose him and I've never taken the kids from him, then I can't "prove" anything to him. It's his choice to see me that way. He tried to pin me down with what D would look like but I dodged it for the most part except to say that I would disagree with him in areas and I wouldn't let him make me feel bad for it to get me to do what he wants. It's so discouraging. His job is struggling and I don't know if he could pay what he agreed to anyway. I have to find a remote job somehow due to my kid's schedules. It's all so overwhelming.

At the same time, I think some things I learned here kicked in. I felt sad but I didn't beat myself up the way I would have before for how he saw me. I didn't need his validation, or for him to like me. In fact, I realized how sad and pathetic he was. And what a fool for giving up such a beautiful family. He is almost 50 and walking out the door because he is a victim (I'm a monster) and the grass is greener out there. I have been through two failed businesses with him. I have been through his 2 year A. His constant business traveling where I hold the fort down. I've supported his expensive hobbies. I keep myself fit and the house clean. I told him that I am tired of the way he constantly criticizes me. How I can't win with him. If I do something good, he feels it should have been better. The way he compares me to other women. What I wouldn't give for appreciation, admiration, respect.

Anyway, I went outside and just felt it all. My whole life changing because he is so selfish. And I began to talk to God. And honestly, this peace came over me. That I had done everything I could do. That I had remained true to my values. I'm not perfect, but I've tried to do the right thing. I just saw my H as this pathetic shell of what he could be and once was. I am tired of him emotionally cutting me off when he is mad at me. And the phrase, "I don't have a desire to be married to you. Being married to you is misery." Like who says that? What kind of person says that. And after all I've been through, it didn't even really hurt. Because I realized he is a lying, cheating, double life living man who got a second chance and a wake up call and threw it away. I feel sad for him honestly.

I don't know what happens now. I am figuring things out. But I know I am going to advocate for myself and love myself. I'm really grateful for all of you. You have saved me in so many ways. I haven't even written the half of what I have been through with him. It doesn't really matter.

[may22]

I'm glad you got some space and time to care for yourself. I think that is so, so important in all of this... and I also think you should be so proud of yourself that you were able to step outside of the emotional hurt and see what is really going on with him.

OG, you so, so deserve all the things he isn't giving you right now. And you so, so don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you-- being married to you is an f-ing gift and if he is too blind or shut down or lost in his own worldview to see that, it is on him 100%, not on you.

Feeling that peace must have been amazing. You sound really strong and like you are on the right path. I know it will continue to be hard and you'll probably slip back here and there, but if you can hold onto that feeling of peace, of knowing you've done everything you can do, of believing in yourself and loving yourself and being prepared to advocate for yourself... that is incredible. Kudos and love to you.

[belleva]

OG, I've been reading your story and my heart hurts for you. For all of us here. It is hard to comprehend sometimes what they say to us, how they twist it all around in their heads and hearts. You said you have been true to your values. Be proud of that. Even on the days I have to pick myself up off the floor because I was curled up there in a ball crying I really do believe that if we try to live in alignment with our values everything will turn out okay. You deserve a spouse who treats you with admiration, appreciation and respect. Every day is just one foot in front of the other, trying to get through this day and then the next and the next. You are doing that and doing it with dignity and grace.

[oceangrl]

I'm glad you got some space and time to care for yourself. I think that is so, so important in all of this... and I also think you should be so proud of yourself that you were able to step outside of the emotional hurt and see what is really going on with him.

OG, you so, so deserve all the things he isn't giving you right now. And you so, so don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you-- being married to you is an f-ing gift and if he is too blind or shut down or lost in his own worldview to see that, it is on him 100%, not on you.

Feeling that peace must have been amazing. You sound really strong and like you are on the right path. I know it will continue to be hard and you'll probably slip back here and there, but if you can hold onto that feeling of peace, of knowing you've done everything you can do, of believing in yourself and loving yourself and being prepared to advocate for yourself... that is incredible. Kudos and love to you.

Thank you, May. I know you have been through so much too, so you get it.

I think you're right. I will need to be okay with the fact I will slip back here and there, but I can keep perspective of where I am going and that I will be okay.

I am so grateful to be someone who is beginning to be able to advocate for myself and not abandon myself. I was no doubt the poster child for a desperate, needy LBS. I felt like if he didn't love me my life is over.

Now I know, no matter what, my life is mine. My future is mine.

[oceangrl]

OG, I've been reading your story and my heart hurts for you. For all of us here. It is hard to comprehend sometimes what they say to us, how they twist it all around in their heads and hearts. You said you have been true to your values. Be proud of that. Even on the days I have to pick myself up off the floor because I was curled up there in a ball crying I really do believe that if we try to live in alignment with our values everything will turn out okay. You deserve a spouse who treats you with admiration, appreciation and respect. Every day is just one foot in front of the other, trying to get through this day and then the next and the next. You are doing that and doing it with dignity and grace.

That's so kind of you to be here for me. It is hard to see someone you grew up with, that you thought you knew so well, to look at them and think..."who are you?"And it's true, I am trying hard to be in the present and take it day by day without looking too far ahead. Thanks for your message.