I have been served divorce papers relatively recently, and just last week discovered this site and the books. I have now finished reading DR (it's going to take me a while to get used to these abbreviations), and I know I am in the area where I need to use the last resort technique.
I knew my marriage was not going great for a while, but the last 6 months or so things have accelerated downward quickly. That was when I finally stood up for myself, from what I felt was constant negativity and criticism. My wife did not like that...at all.
However, I'd say the problems really started after our child was born a few years ago. There was an almost immediate disengagement from my wife and our relationship. All of her energy was focused on our daughter, and there was no effort to put time into our relationship. And I noticed pretty early on that her mood was changing. And from there things continued to build over time.
After reading DR, I do think I have a better understanding of what her perspective on things have been, and why she has been less than positive about our marriage. However, I do also feel that there might be some depression issues along with it. I say that based on some of her comments (very negative towards herself), her previous history in her first marriage, and some of her familial relationships.
The complaints she did bring up about our marriage have kind of been all over the place and inconsistent. I thought I had been doing (or not doing) the things the way she wanted, but apparently I was wrong. Not a Mind-Reader Syndrome I guess. But also, poor recognition and communication on my part too.
Anyway, so when everything started falling apart, I was angry and defensive, but also determined. I took every criticism she brought up and with my new knowledge set out to do things the way I now thought she wanted. I tried to do anything nice for her that I could. I wrote a couple of letters...yada yada yada.
But, that didn't seem to really work too well. So, of course, I got frustrated. I tried to make my case and point out where her thinking was wrong. I pointed out my issues with her, and expressed my anger a bit (which is very rare for me). Of course, anytime I brought up any criticism of her, or got angry, it just made things worse.
I had meant to be patient, and to respond from a place of love, but I let my emotions get the better of me a few times, and I wish I hadn't.
Recently, I decided I was just going to focus on improving myself and being their for my daughter, and just loving my wife. Regardless of how she responded, I was going to stay true to my vows. So, I continued doing things that I could, and started telling her I loved her every day before leaving, and before bed. That, of course, was met with silence, every time. I hoped that if I was persistent with showing her love, that it would get through to her. But, after awhile, something my pastor said to me struck a cord. He said, "How someone receives what you say is more important than what you mean. If you tell someone you love them, but for them, they hear "I hate you," then you're message is not getting home. So, I stopped saying that. That was pretty recently; shortly before finding this place.
Now, a few days earlier this week, she did seem to show signs of being nicer to me. Certainly nothing earth shattering, but better than the icy cold zero conversation (unless about our daughter) that I have been used to. However, the last couple of nights seem to be more on the icy side. I had been texting her most days just to ask her how her day was going, but stopped a few days ago after I started reading DR.
So, here I am. A new comer, in the last resort stage, trying to figure out what I need to do. What is considered "pursuing?" Is a simple text to see how her day is going pursuing? I know I can't tell her I love her, or send her gifts, or anything outlandish. We don't talk on the phone (never have).
I realize looking back over this, and it's kind of a muddled mess I just typed out...so:
TLDR version - Wife filed for divorce, I am on my last resort, not sure exactly how to approach things. I can be patient if this is going to take a long time, but I'm not sure time will wait for me.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you are here but you've come to the right place.
Yeah texting her "how is you day" is definitely pursuit so that should stop immediately. She has filed for divorce so all you can really do is to work on yourself and become the best version of yourself.
Take the focus of her and place it on you and your daughter.
It's highly likely she is having an emotional or physical affair. Any clue who it could be with?
Okay. That is what I have been doing. I am just a few pounds away from the lowest weight I have been during our entire marriage. I should reach that amd then some this month. I have rejuvinated my faith lately, and am continuing steps to improve my career options.
I asked about that texting because it seemed like there were a few days of some progress after I stopped telling her I loved her every day, but then a return to more icyness since I haven't texted to ask how she's doing.
I know it's a long process, and there will be ups and downs, it's just hard to tell sometimes what is a response to what I am/am not doing, and what is just a natural fluctuation.
I've been so confused about her behavior this whole time, so I guess there is nothing new in that area.
I thought possibly she might be seeing someone a few times, but lean towards not. She does not go out a lot, and is home a lot throughout the day. I did ask her a while back, and she denied it, but I take that with a grain of salt. If it's just an EA, I don't really have a way to know. She's never had many friends and doesn't talk about anyone.
That might be difficult to answer without giving TMI. I guess I would say there are times where she does things that don't seem like things someone seeking a divorce would do. And there have been a few instances regarding the safety of our daughter and my step-daughter. Things that are completely out of character for her. She has always been all about family. And now, she is acting as if she has zero consideration for her family at all.
And then it seems like she almost wants everything to stay the same as they are right now, even though she is throwing a wrecking ball through our lives.
So, how exactly does one go about GAL when they have young children at home? As I mentioned, I have been losing weight (some of that is from going out to exercise - but the exercise isn't new), getting back into my faith - going to church every week now, developing more career options, meeting friends for dinner or movies, etc. However, most of the time, when my daughter is awake, I try to be home. When I do go do things, it is after she goes to bed, most of the time.
I mean, I could do more, but to do so would have negative drawbacks. I'd have to miss out on time with my daughter, which I'd rather not do. And, it would put more responsibility on my wife to always have to watch her while I'm out doing my thing, which would only anger her.
However, I can't just link it to me stopping asking her how she's doing. I had asked a friend of hers a few weeks ago to speak with her, because I was concerned about depression (or something), and she responded that she would reach out to her. Then, I didn't hear anything for a few weeks, and suddenly my wife texted me and let me know they were meeting for dinner.
I was able to email the friend before they met to suggest she not discuss what I mentioned and just have a normal friendly dinner, but I don't know what she had said at any point leading up to their dinner.
I guess I would say there are times where she does things that don't seem like things someone seeking a divorce would do. And there have been a few instances regarding the safety of our daughter and my step-daughter. Things that are completely out of character for her. She has always been all about family. And now, she is acting as if she has zero consideration for her family at all.
All of this behavior is extremely common for a WAS. It seems out of character because she's no longer who you thought you knew. The W you fell in love with and married and built a life with has now been replaced with a different person. Things you did may have triggered this change, or may not have. But her values and interests are now drastically different. The goal of DB'ing isn't to get your old W and M back, both are gone. Your goal is to detach and GAL and pave the way for a possible new relationship with the new version of her.
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So, how exactly does one go about GAL when they have young children at home? As I mentioned, I have been losing weight (some of that is from going out to exercise - but the exercise isn't new), getting back into my faith - going to church every week now, developing more career options, meeting friends for dinner or movies, etc. However, most of the time, when my daughter is awake, I try to be home. When I do go do things, it is after she goes to bed, most of the time.
GAL doesn't mean you have to be gone every minute of every day. It actually sounds like you have some good GAL activities going on so keep it up! Also GAL can involve your daughter. Take her to the park or to fly a kite or have a picnic. GAL just means making a life for yourself without your W.
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It's still feeling pretty icy the last few days.
Get used to it. There will be warm days and cold days.
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I had asked a friend of hers a few weeks ago to speak with her, because I was concerned about depression (or something), and she responded that she would reach out to her. Then, I didn't hear anything for a few weeks, and suddenly my wife texted me and let me know they were meeting for dinner.
DO NOT enlist others to intervene!!! She will see this as you "gathering the troops against her". Do not talk to mutual friends about the M AT ALL. If you want to talk to someone then come here or talk to your personal friends that have no connection to W. Also do not try to "diagnose" her. This will backfire on you big time. What she is going through is more than likely not depression and not "treatable" through known means of counseling and/ or medication.
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I was able to email the friend before they met to suggest she not discuss what I mentioned and just have a normal friendly dinner
