Good on you, Wooba, for all the GAL-ing and taking control of your thoughts, not letting them spiral out endlessly. That's always a challenge for me. I like the idea of a very short time limit!
I tend to agree with May and WF, in that these Hs cling to whatever excuse serves their decision(s) at the moment...
I'm glad to hear about the GALing. That's honestly the best part of all this mess. We're just all a bunch of fit, hobbie happy, jolly idiots...lol.
lol. love this. you always make me laugh!!
may, cardinal, wayfarer - yes, I agree that there's no excuse for their behavior. In the end the common denominator is probably that the WAS all are weak in character.
I just called to check up on H and he hasn't gone to work for four days in a row. He said he's been throwing up and not feeling well.
Stomach bug? maybe. He said to me that he's going to see a doctor today and "but it's probably more of a mental health thing"....
After we hung up, I made an appoint with a psychiatrist for him (yes a bit of fixer action here, but it would be very difficult for him to do this himself since the healthcare system here is different and he can't speak the language). I emailed him the info and the instructions.
I called afterwards and let him know that with severe depression it could lead to GI problems. (which he's been having mildly for awhile) and maybe he needs to go to the root of the problem. Told him to check his email for the appointment details. He said thank you. I'm a bit surprised that there was no pushback.
We'll see if he will actually go though. not betting money on it.
H called me crying. He said “I’m sorry to bother you, but I really miss you guys. I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
I told him I am here. You still have me. There is no need to apologize.
My heart broke for him.
I get it... you still love him and despite what he has put you through you still wish him no harm. My heart breaks for my H as well. Seeing him angry, detached, soft spoken and a complete 180 as far as no gaming or tv... He is broken too but is still looking elsewhere for his fix.
Its hard to watch them in a state of confusion but then with it is still hope. He is thinking about you and not only that he called to state as much.
Did he make the IC appointment? Are you seriously worried about him? Is there someone else who could reach out to him to help (family, old friends, etc)? If he's dealing with major depression and you're seriously worried about him harming himself, I feel like all this DB stuff is out the window.
I'm really glad he reached out to you and knows you are there.
xx thinking of you
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
So I had scheduled this camping trip with a few other families awhile back, I extended the invitation to H last month and H said that he will join us. Frankly I wasn't counting on it, but I was just going to wait to see how things play out. So last week H was having a really rough time. He didn't come home and didn't go into work the whole week. He was having GI issues and went to see a doctor about it. but he also made comments over the phone to me that he thinks it's more about his "mental health". Also again, suicidal comments.
Anyway, the day came and he showed up here in the morning like he said he would. I was getting ready to leave and he initiated sex. I turned him down gently and said I'm not comfortable with it. It was one of those moments where I felt like it was more about him using me to sooth his anxiety, and I did not want to be part of that anymore. I walked out of the bedroom to continue packing.
H walked out shortly after, and told me that he's going to tell the kids that he has a work emergency and can no longer come along. He said, "I don't want you to feel bad about saying no.....you need to do what is right for you." (something like that) to which I replied, "No, I don't feel bad. yeah I know..." (neutral tone/on the lighter side)
I didn't get upset at him for ditching us at the last minute. I honestly anticipated this when I said no to sex. But I was really sad for the kids inside. They haven't seen him in awhile, and camping has always been their thing. I knew they were so looking forward to camping with him.
anyways, 12 hours later, he called me at night and he was full on crying. Telling me that he misses us, he doesn't have any friends here, he really needs to talk to someone......at the same time worrying that our friends will overhear which I assured him that I walked to somewhere private to pick up his call...he was a mess. Also said something about his pride (it was kind of loud and he was crying so I couldn't really hear everything clearly), maybe something like he needs to keep some pride or something...
I just told him that whatever happens between us, I am here to listen. It is not true that he does not have anybody, he has me. and we all miss him.
He wanted me to get back to my friends so we hung up.
So this is what I'm struggling with. I do think that all the DB stuff is out the window if he's majorly depressed and is hanging by a thread. But I don't know if I should keep calling him to check if he's okay?? Should I detach from my worries? He's alienated his only family here (his parents and us). His best friends are thousands of miles away and I'm guessing he hasn't been talking to them much either. When I brought IC up few months ago, he was not only uninterested but also very sarcastic about it.
I've reached out to his friends in the states. waiting to hear back from them.
I know you're in such an awful situation. I'm thinking of you and your family.
I'm not a mental health provider by any means. But my H does some work in veteran suicide prevention and I'll share some ideas that you can take or leave (a colleague of mine's H was saying some suicidal things and my H gave me the following to share with her):
-- my understanding is that you are supposed to take any sort of suicidal comment seriously.
-- if you can access a suicide prevention hotline where you are, call it. It is not just for the person at risk-- they can help you to identify risk factors and what to do.
-- you might still take the appt you made for your H with the psychiatrist (if he doesn't) and explain what is going on and get some professional advice. For instance, I wonder if getting his family involved if alienated is a good or bad thing... my instinct would be good, as long as they can put their own emotions aside to support him... but I also know that there might be other things at play that would in fact make it worse.
-- does he have a firearm in his house? You might just ask him. My understanding is that is a significant risk factor.
Maybe others on this board have more knowledge and can chime in here. If it were me, I think I would check on him, though maybe calling isn't the best. if you know where he is maybe you can leave the kids with someone and go to see him and talk. It was good that he opened the door with calling the other night and good that he sees you as someone he can reach out to.... maybe you just follow up on that thread, nothing to do with your R or the kids or any logistical stuff that you are usually communicating with him about, just... you're here for him, you care about him, you can listen and then encourage him to go get help.
I think you can still care about him and not let his actions affect you... when reading your last post it feels like you ARE detached, you didn't let the sex thing throw you, you didn't let his bailing throw you, you didn't let his calling throw you. You were present and kind and calm. You have incredible emotional strength to get through all of that in the way that you did. I would guess you have the strength to reach out to him and help support him through this, if he allows it, without pushing you off your detachment path. (I do think you need to be there for yourself first (put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others) but in your case I think your oxygen mask is already on.)
And of course you can totally leave all this armchair psychiatry behind-- just wanted to offer a few thoughts and to let you know I'm thinking of you. You are a strong and amazing woman and whatever happens you have been and continue to do the right thing.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you May. I really appreciate all your input. Thank god we don’t have firearms in the house anymore.
Well, H is still alive, fortunately. He came over tonight and told us that he’s scheduled another camping trip at the end of April.
Later after the kids has gone to bed, he sat down with me and began to tell me that he was hurt by me rejecting sex that day. I said, I appreciate you telling me this, and I understand how you feel. But under the current circumstances, I think that is not the best thing for either of us right now. And then he pretty much shut me down and didn’t want to hear what I had to say. And then he asked whether I’ve thought about the finances regarding D. I said yes, some. And then it was back to the same loop of him telling me what percentages of child support I’m getting etc. same old playbook. I said ok, I will think about it more.
And he wants me to cancel the appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist.
So we are supposed to still be married by end of April and go on this camping trip together with his colleagues while he’s giving me time to think about D??? Just crazy.
I don’t wanna go on the roller coaster ride, but I feel like I inadvertently go on because he says suicidal stuff and makes me worried. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that.
Thank you May. I really appreciate all your input. Thank god we don’t have firearms in the house anymore.
Well, H is still alive, fortunately. He came over tonight and told us that he’s scheduled another camping trip at the end of April.
Later after the kids has gone to bed, he sat down with me and began to tell me that he was hurt by me rejecting sex that day. I said, I appreciate you telling me this, and I understand how you feel. But under the current circumstances, I think that is not the best thing for either of us right now. And then he pretty much shut me down and didn’t want to hear what I had to say. And then he asked whether I’ve thought about the finances regarding D. I said yes, some. And then it was back to the same loop of him telling me what percentages of child support I’m getting etc. same old playbook. I said ok, I will think about it more.
And he wants me to cancel the appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist.
So we are supposed to still be married by end of April and go on this camping trip together with his colleagues while he’s giving me time to think about D??? Just crazy.
I don’t wanna go on the roller coaster ride, but I feel like I inadvertently go on because he says suicidal stuff and makes me worried. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that.
Oh wooba, I can relate to this so much. The roller coaster is just so hard. You are doing amazing in your detachment. I'm inspired by your progress. And You are right, he is just on planet crazy right now with this logic.
It sounds like whether he means to or not, he is really trying to emotionally manipulate you. You rejected him for sex, which hurts him so he rejects you by bringing up D and all the pain that that involves. And he wants to divorce you but have sex with you? One of the hardest things is the lack of logic and common sense we have to deal with. Honestly.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Its not easy dealing with this every day.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
