This may be where I get confused, and maybe I read it (or rather the contrasting part) wrong:
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But when you DO interact you are attentive, present, upbeat, and happy. Just do not be the one to start conversation, but when she does then fully engage.
Contrasted with advice on texting and then to avoid being around her at all made it seem like I should limit my engagement, even if she initiated.
Also, we do have a co-parenting plan in place already for when the divorce is final, but also, my wife has intimated that she doesn't expect me to leave the house after the divorce either, so what exactly she wants is not clear, at least not to me. Time for herself maybe (see my comment in the last post about thinking part of her thinking is to avoid responsibility for our kid half the time), but I'm certainly not prohibiting her from going out and doing anything she wants to do.
There are lots of things written in the links that cadet provided that explain a lot of this. I have to point out, that your thread title specifically references LRT. So that is the kind of advice you got. Related to how to do LRT. That means limiting your interaction with her. That means following the texting rules as outlined. But when you are around her then:
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But when you DO interact you are attentive, present, upbeat, and happy. Just do not be the one to start conversation, but when she does then fully engage.
I am failing to see how that isn't pretty clear and straightforward.
As far as your coparenting plan, and what your W says. Remember, the WAS has a lot they are juggling. They want to get a D as easily as possible. With as little drama as possible. Without hurting you as much as is possible. And with as little guilt as possible. Are you really considering cohabitation with this women post D?! That sounds like the friend zone to me. Not something I'd be willing to settle for with my wife.
"I haven't seen a lot of talk about children on here"
You were the one accusing posters here of encouraging you to be an absentee father. -shrug-
As far as this:
"But, with work, and other things I have going on, I only get to see my daughter so much as it is, so I like to take advantage of those opportunities when I can. Sometimes (most of the time during the week) that means my wife will be there as well. But, that doesn't mean that my wife and I have a lot of interaction during that time. My attention is focused on my daughter."
This is a very difficult line to walk for most LBSs. Most LBSs, whether they admit it or not, use their children and spending time with them as an excuse to be around their WAS. I've seen it dozens of times on this forum. Here is the thing. Post D, you will see your daughter 50% of the time. So what does it hurt to start that now? No one would accuse you of being an absentee father if on Tuesday night, Thursday night, and all day Saturday, and every other Sunday (or even every other Saturday and Sunday) you spent all of that time with your daughter (regardless of what or where your soon-to-be EXW is). But on Monday night, Wednesday night, and Friday night, and every other Sunday you were off doing your own thing. Out GAL. Out working on you. Out getting away from the thickness of the atmosphere in and around your STBXW.
So yes you can be a present Dad....AND go out and take care of your own needs and do things for yourself. It is only contradictory if you make it that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I haven't seen a lot of talk about children on here, which kind of surprises me, because they are a pretty significant aspect, and I think probably expected there to be more dedicated discussion to that subject.
Best advise I got was to completely emerge myself in my kids "bubble" and stay out of W bubble.
Divorce has a profound impact on the kids. If it were not for this, I would most likely not be posting here.
I am sure you are like the rest of us that want your kids 100% of the time. Well your spouse has other plans. If your relationship with your kids is important, as well as their well being, then you will most likely have to stand up and fight for this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I started reading DR...So, here I am. A new comer, in the last resort stage, trying to figure out what I need to do.
What made you decided LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE was the first path to take?
DR listed "your spouse has already filed for divorce" as a situation calling for TLR. And that made sense considering our current level of communication. And it seemed to be along the lines of what I was already starting to do (focus on me and my daughter).
I started reading DR...So, here I am. A new comer, in the last resort stage, trying to figure out what I need to do.
What made you decided LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE was the first path to take?
DR listed "your spouse has already filed for divorce" as a situation calling for TLR. And that made sense considering our current level of communication. And it seemed to be along the lines of what I was already starting to do (focus on me and my daughter).
That makes sense to me too, it follows MWD's guidelines for when to implement the LRT. I was in LRT mode pretty much the instant I got here too. MWD said if your parent says they want a divorce and he/she is serious then you should LRT.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Captain, use the following guide, better known around here as "Sandi's Rules". Most of the following should sound familiar, since you've read Divorce Remedy. Hope it helps.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I haven't seen a lot of talk about children on here, which kind of surprises me, because they are a pretty significant aspect, and I think probably expected there to be more dedicated discussion to that subject.
Best advise I got was to completely emerge myself in my kids "bubble" and stay out of W bubble.
Divorce has a profound impact on the kids. If it were not for this, I would most likely not be posting here.
I am sure you are like the rest of us that want your kids 100% of the time. Well your spouse has other plans. If your relationship with your kids is important, as well as their well being, then you will most likely have to stand up and fight for this.
Yes, I considered asking for more time with my kid. Not because of my desire to have her 100% of the time, because I wouldn't want to deprive my daughter of her mother, but because of some of the concerns I had about my wife's mental/emotional health and how that would impact our daughter long term, and because there were recent incidents involving her safety that bothered me. However, I've found out that unless she's completely incapable of functioning due to any issues and there's not extreme neglect/abuse, then it's basically a cheeseless tunnel.
But, the impact of a divorce on my kid is my biggest concern, and really what brought out the anger in me when dealing with my wife. So, it's a little difficult for me to want to prevent this terrible thing from happening to my daughter and then going and basically putting her in the same situation I am trying to avoid for her.
But, as it is, I am out until pretty much her bed time two nights a week (my wife goes to bed at the same time as she does). Then there is another night where there is about an hour and a half, at most, from the time I get home and when I go out and play basketball. So that is three nights a week already that my wife has to stay home and watch her because I have things I'm doing. Then, once they are in bed, I do my own thing. Sometimes that's going to a movie, sometimes it's reading the Bible, sometimes it's working on more education, sometimes it's just relaxing at home, sometimes it's going to the store, sometimes going out for a walk. The other nights, it's possible I'll take my daughter out somewhere if there is any time.
Your wife has to stay home with your child because of the things you are doing?
If you want equal custody, you would certainly need to make more sacrifices because the custody would not work around your schedule and hobbies
Well, somebody has to watch our daughter during those times, just as when she has something to do, I (or someone) has to be available.
The things I am doing those evenings are endeavors she supports (education and exercise).
These are the things most of our communication centers around - when one or the other has something going on, so the other knows when they'll need to be available at home.
