Newlywed and in limbo

[funbun]

God, this is frustrating.

It really is a roller coaster ride right now. One moment I am fine, and then next I get stuck thinking about W. In fact, I just just got back from GAL-ing, having the time of my life, and now one hour later here I am typing this.

I keep obsessing over if W has a potential A. I've pretty much accepted my circumstance, accepted the possibility of D, but the anxiety of not knowing if there is a AP is what I have to deal right now.

AnotherStander is a very wise poster here and he says there are two kinds of sitches: those that involve another person, and those that haven't found out yet that there is another person.

Ever since I read this, it has been playing at the back of my mind and kept triggering my anxiety and obsessive side.

Is there an A? Who could it be? How could it happen? When? Just the thought of another man touching my W and saying sweet words into her ears.. JUST.. ARGH.

I do not think there is one. At the same time, who am I to say, I do not know any better. It's making me crazy.

I keep thinking back of the things she said during BD. That she doesn't want to be married with me, she wants to be single again, to be free and be able see to her family and bestfriend everyday.

W wants to leave me because clearly she chooses me over something. What is that something?

Either what she said was true i.e. bestfriend and family > me.
Or
She was lying i.e. OM > me.

I know these thoughts are detrimental to my DB-ing. I'm sorry if all of this makes me sound like a over-possessive controlling person. I just can't shake these thoughts. I need to be hit by big 2x4s right now.

[Ready2Change]

I know these thoughts are detrimental to my DB-ing. I'm sorry if all of this makes me sound like a over-possessive controlling person. I just can't shake these thoughts. I need to be hit by big 2x4s right now.

You are letting your thoughts control you. Part of this process is to learn to control your thoughts.

List out as many of these as possible and be as explicit as possible:

What new behavior are you exhibiting that is attractive to women in general?
What old behaviors have you stopped that is unattractive to women in general?

What new attractive traits do you want to incorporate into your new normal?
What old unattractive traits do you still need to stop doing?

[funbun]

How do you know when you are ready for a D?

I feel so tired.

[funbun]

I know these thoughts are detrimental to my DB-ing. I'm sorry if all of this makes me sound like a over-possessive controlling person. I just can't shake these thoughts. I need to be hit by big 2x4s right now.

You are letting your thoughts control you. Part of this process is to learn to control your thoughts.

List out as many of these as possible and be as explicit as possible:

What new behavior are you exhibiting that is attractive to women in general?
What old behaviors have you stopped that is unattractive to women in general?

What new attractive traits do you want to incorporate into your new normal?
What old unattractive traits do you still need to stop doing?

Thanks for the response R2C, I will reply to this when I can.

[SteveLW]

How do you know when you are ready for a D?

I feel so tired.

That's kind of like asking how you know when to stop eating. Only you know when you've had enough.

[Ready2Change]

That's kind of like asking how you know when to stop eating. Only you know when you've had enough.

And you might get hungry again. That is OK.


Things are much harder with kids. You do not have kids together. Things are much harder when financial things are all mingled. Did you have lots of assets that need splitting? It seems to me that you did not have enough time together to get things all blended together.



If I found out my W was being intimate with another man, that is when I would file for D. That is my boundary.

If she came to me and said she no longer wanted to be with me, I would have to think about that.

[funbun]

That's kind of like asking how you know when to stop eating. Only you know when you've had enough.

And you might get hungry again. That is OK.

I've been contemplating on getting D lately. I've been going back and forth between "alright, it's time, you can let her go funbun, you'll be fine" and "no, maybe I am being impatient, it's only been 3 months, maybe I shouldn't be so impulsive and wait".

Like many, I've always wanted to be married. I want to have my own family. To have a loving wife. Not like this. Who in their right mind would ask for a divorce just a few days after the wedding? That is crazy. I've sacrificed all that I have to be with her, but somewhere down the line, something went wrong. Is is my fault? Is it hers? Does it even matter? At the moment, W is an obstacle to that dream. I deserve better. I owe it to myself to make sure I fulfill my dream. It is W's decision to be part of that or not. I do not control her. All that matters is that, I should stop at nothing in order to achieve what I've always wanted.

On the other hand, I can't help but feel like I am being played right into her hands. She is playing the waiting game hoping that I would give up and be the one to initiate D. Now that I think about it, all she ever did was say hurtful things to me and gave me the cold shoulder, and in that hurt I was the one who took action:

During the honeymoon, when she was BD-ing and crying non-stop and refuse to make the decision to go back home, who was it that made that decision for her? Me.

In Jan, she was acting up and saying hurtful things to me, who was it that decided to live separately and pack all the things? Me.

Now, she has gone dark, and I am too tired, and I want to move on, am I going to be the one to finally end it?

She has done nothing but talk. I was the one foolish enough to take action.

Things are much harder with kids. You do not have kids together. Things are much harder when financial things are all mingled. Did you have lots of assets that need splitting? It seems to me that you did not have enough time together to get things all blended together.

No, there are no assets shared between us. We are not bound together by anything except for our vows. Yes, you could say, getting a D would be easy at the stage I am in. W certainly thinks so. I think my sitch is unique with respect to this. However, I could also argue that the chances for R is lower because of how easy it is break off the marriage. It is like an uphill battle but the hill is covered with butter.

I am sorry if I sound bitter and angry. I've been tired and wanted to get all these thoughts out. This is the only place I can go to.

I've been trying to stay away from this site and just live my life. Even though there are a lot of wisdom here and I can learn a lot from reading everyone else's posts, it doesn't help in getting my mind off of W. I need to work on detachment after all.

[SteveLW]

funbun, as always it is completely up to you. I do not think anyone would blame you for moving on. Personally, if I got BD'd on my honeymoon, I'd have called a lawyer and filed the minute my plane landed on our return. But that is just me. I know I've told you before, but she did you a favor. If she had stuck it out for any considerable length of time (think 5+ years) then things could have become much more complex (house, finances, children, etc). The earlier the better. I know it was hard and heartbreaking, I am not trying to minimize your pain. But one day you will look back and realize that she did you a huge favor.

[funbun]

she did you a huge favor

Steve, this particular sentence I find difficult to accept. Probably because there is truth in it or.. I don't know. It implies that I was wrong in marrying her and that she did the right thing. That I was the foolish one to fantasize and commit to a marriage with her. Meanwhile she spent 5 days as a W and then for god knows what reason decided to bail out without even putting much effort into the M. Without even giving the M a good chance. I don't know, I need to reflect more on this. Probably the ego talking here.

[SteveLW]

she did you a huge favor

Steve, this particular sentence I find difficult to accept. Probably because there is truth in it or.. I don't know. It implies that I was wrong in marrying her and that she did the right thing. That I was the foolish one to fantasize and commit to a marriage with her. Meanwhile she spent 5 days as a W and then for god knows what reason decided to bail out without even putting much effort into the M. Without even giving the M a good chance. I don't know, I need to reflect more on this. Probably the ego talking here.

Please note, what I meant by that was that it was 5 days, not 5 years. I feel my W should never have married me, that she settled for me, and that I have been through 2 sitches DUE to that. One 6 1/2 years in. Another 18 1/2 years in. In both of this sitches I would have gladly changed places with you. Not that your sitch was without pain, but as I said the earlier the better.

She did the wrong thing, let's be clear. She should have never agreed to marry you. I have a friend that pulled the plug on his wedding 5 weeks before it was scheduled. People were angry with him. His no longer future bride was angry and hurt. But guess what, he did the right thing by not going through with it.

funbun one of the things I learned the hard way, through a very long on again, off again relationship many years ago, and then dating and marrying my W, is that I had it all wrong. I always looked for someone that I was crazy about. I am now old enough and wise enough to know that what I should have been looking for is someone that was crazy about me.