It's time for me to admit and accept that W wasn't a good fit for me. Before R, when we were friends, she was attractive and charming. I fell for her. However, when we were a couple, to be honest I was unhappy. For some reason (I suspect intimacy issues stemming from her relationship with her parents), she couldn't fulfill my emotional needs and kept dismissing it whenever I try to bring it up. It went on for a very long time and I held on. It's rather amazing that I stayed for that long even though I was unhappy. I chased. She pushed me away. I chase harder. I kept on believing. Hoping that once we're married, whatever barrier that kept her from giving me what I needed would be resolved and finally.. finally.. I will be happy. I was delusional. I put her up on a pedestal. She was everything to me but she couldn't reciprocate the same feeling. Often times I feel like I was not her priority.
If only I've known better.
I'm going to spend the next couple of days reflecting. Build my strength and my resolve. Decide on a plan.
Maybe this is it. Maybe it's time to let go.
I deserve better. I want to be happy.
I deserve happiness.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
funbun one of the things I learned the hard way, through a very long on again, off again relationship many years ago, and then dating and marrying my W, is that I had it all wrong. I always looked for someone that I was crazy about. I am now old enough and wise enough to know that what I should have been looking for is someone that was crazy about me.
This is my lesson right now. I will keep this in mind.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
Do not put your happiness into someone else hands. This is an internal thing that you need to find. The healthier you are before getting into a relationship, the healthier the relationship will be. The healthier you are, the higher quality people you attract into your life.
There is no rush here. Focus on you and your growth right now. Find happiness without her. Your relationship may have run it's course, or it may resume in a healthier form in the future.
My lady is crazy about me....that could change tomorrow. I do my best to fill her love bucket. Sometimes that means I give her some space to miss me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Do not put your happiness into someone else hands. This is an internal thing that you need to find. The healthier you are before getting into a relationship, the healthier the relationship will be. The healthier you are, the higher quality people you attract into your life.
There is no rush here. Focus on you and your growth right now. Find happiness without her. Your relationship may have run it's course, or it may resume in a healthier form in the future.
My lady is crazy about me....that could change tomorrow. I do my best to fill her love bucket. Sometimes that means I give her some space to miss me.
Good stuff from R2C as always. Really my point is that if you have to beg, plead and be persistent to get someone to date or be romantic with you, then you are likely going to have an uphill struggle for the entirety of your R with them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do not put your happiness into someone else hands. This is an internal thing that you need to find. The healthier you are before getting into a relationship, the healthier the relationship will be. The healthier you are, the higher quality people you attract into your life.
R2C, I know that this is the case for me from the start. However, knowing about it is different than truly understanding what you have said here. I believe it is beginning to sink in. It’s time to accept certain truths and internalize the lessons that come with it.
I have been unhappy for a while. I am unhappy now. I was unhappy before the wedding. Heck, I was unhappy when I was with my ex-gf. I’ve always felt unfulfilled. I always wanted more. I left ex-gf for now-W because of that. I left her believing that I will find happiness with now-W. I left a good woman in search for something better. I was greedy. I formed a R with now-W out of that greed couple with guilt from leaving a perfectly good R with ex-gf. I became anxious, needy and demanding. That was unfair on now-W. I see that now. She has her own issues of course, but I have mine, and I will own and take responsibility for my issues.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
There is no rush here. Focus on you and your growth right now. Find happiness without her. Your relationship may have run it's course, or it may resume in a healthier form in the future.
I agree. I have all the time in the world right now. There is no rush. I need to heal and to grow. To find happiness in myself. To find gratitude and self love. I think the best way to do that is for me to be on my own. I don’t think I can do that while still in this sitch. I need to learn to be comfortable on my own and not depend on others for happiness.
I have a fear of being alone. I’ve always pursue other people’s acceptance and acknowledgement. That has lead to me turning to a people pleaser. Sometimes to the detriment to my own self. I need to work on this too. Anyone here can recommend books on self love? Perhaps an audiobook, because I don’t really have the time to read nowadays and I like to fill in my long drives to work by listening to Audible.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
I came out of a feeling of obligation to W's family. I know the vets have advised me to not go. Her family have been nice to me and insisted (nicely) that I should attend. I figured I come, be cordial, help out, and play "family" one last time before the time for D arrives (they do not know my plan to D).
Mostly kept my distance from W during the event. There were a lot of things that reminded me of the life that I won't have. It was tough to be honest. I see why the vets advised not to go. It hurts, but I managed to withstand it and smile through it all.
Towards the end, I approached W (stupid move? Maybe) and talked to her:
Me: "Hello, how are you?" W: "I am okay" Me: "Your family has been good to me" W: "Yes they have" W: "Do not talk to them about us, do not give them hope" Me: "I didn't tell them anything about us" W: "I need to talk to you soon, I don't like things to be hanging like this" Me: "Yes I also have something that I have to talk to you about" (referring to my plan to D) Me: "okay, I have to go now" (then I left)
She was cold and distant. When she mentioned to "not give them hope" and "I need to talk to you soon", it sounded like she wants to end things soon too. Even though I have the same intention, it still hurts. I guess I am not really detached yet. Even though I was hurting inside, I was able to keep a straight face throughout the conversation.
Was it wise for me to talk to her? I don't know. I do know I was doing a temp check. For one last time, just to be sure, to remind myself, she isn't worth the trouble.
I guess this is it. We will probably have this talk sometime next week.
I need advice on how to approach this and the code of conduct when it comes to having a D talk.
Her parents doesn't know it yet, but I know they will be devastated if they do, any advice on how to handle them is also very appreciated.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
First, we advised you not to go because this set your detachment back. Recognizing you are still attached, can you honestly say going made you less attached?
Second, why do you need to have a D talk. You go file. She will be served with papers. Your sitch includes no children, hardly any intertwining of lives. Just go file. The only reason you'd have a D talk is hoping that she'd change her mind. That is attachment. REMEMBER: ACTIONS not WORDS.
On her parents handling...YOU DON'T. They are her parents. As I told you before, no matter how good they'e been to you, they are her family. Once you are D'd and moved on you will have little to no contact with them. Which is another reason we advised you to not go to her sister's wedding.
I know this next step is difficult. But you've done all you can do. If you are ready to take that step, take itit. Don't talk to her about it. If you aren't, then continue to be patient. But again, don't talk to her about it.
Hang in there man, you have a lot of good things ahead of you! One day, believe it or not, this will be a blip on the radar screen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm going to join the chorus and say that you don't talk, you act. If you feel the need to talk, you aren't ready to be divorced.
Originally Posted by funbun
I have been unhappy for a while. I am unhappy now. I was unhappy before the wedding. Heck, I was unhappy when I was with my ex-gf. I’ve always felt unfulfilled. I always wanted more. I left ex-gf for now-W because of that. I left her believing that I will find happiness with now-W. I left a good woman in search for something better. I was greedy. I formed a R with now-W out of that greed couple with guilt from leaving a perfectly good R with ex-gf. I became anxious, needy and demanding. That was unfair on now-W. I see that now. She has her own issues of course, but I have mine, and I will own and take responsibility for my issues.
If you go through with the divorce, you should tell this other gal this. But not until you're in a better place.
Originally Posted by funbun
Even though I have the same intention, it still hurts.
[censored] to hear that. You will perservere.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
