Newlywed and in limbo

[funbun]

The divorce process is different in my country. Both S have to be present to file for D and before it can proceed, the couple have to go through a few sessions of MC.

I texted W to come to the courts tomorrow to sort it out.

But she said she wants to sit down with me and have a talk first. At first I didn't want to, but a friend of mine advised me to agree to it and have one final talk to see how it goes. So that I won't have any regrets and actually tried to listen to what W has to say before proceeding to D.

I agreed. W and I will be meeting tomorrow.

Any advice as to what to expect and how to handle it?

Should I just listen and validate? Or should I talk about my thoughts and let everything out (my pain, my expectations, etc) for this final talk?

[SteveLW]

I'm against the meeting, I think you were right to meet her at the court with the intention to file. There would be time to talk during the mandated MC sessions.

What purpose couldn this final talk have besides her making a bunch of demands she has no right to make.

[funbun]

Thanks Steve. I sort of took your advice and my friend's, and decided to do a mix of both. I cancelled my meet-up with W. But I don't want to regret not saying what I needed to say so we texted instead.

I figured if I talk with her in person, it would hurt me and make it harder for me to detach and follow through with D. So at least, via texting, I can read and "listen" and be as composed as I can.

I want to let her know that I tried to make things better, made attempts to approach her, and that she was the one that pushed me away. I said "I believe in working things out. But from my point of view, you are very sure of leaving and have not made any attempts in making things better. Since you really want to get out of the marriage, it is not wise for me to hold you any longer and prolong the pain to ourselves and everyone around us".

I mentioned those things so that she wouldn't use the "you didn't even do anything to save the marriage" defense. In her family's point of view, I simply did nothing to improve my sitch (they wanted me to convince W to stay). In truth, I was DB-ing, they didn't understand that. So I mentioned the above, so that I would protect myself from any more blame.

W talked about how we were having problems from Week 1 and how everything went downhill from there. [She was the one that dragged everything down with her / pushed everything away so it baffles me how she doesn't see herself as the root cause of it]

W talked about believing in God's plans. Something along the lines of if it is not in God's plans for her to be happy in this marriage, then she rather be single and sad and miserable. [She believed in God's Plan when she was having doubts pre-M and married me anyways, and now she has the same mindset in getting out of M too]

W mentioned she truly believes that this M does not and will not work.

Then we talked about our families and how they have been pushing the both of us to R. W talked about how it has been hard on her. I tried my best to validate:

W: "everyone's thinking about everyone's sake. But the ones who will truly suffer will be us two and especially me. Things will not be good emotionally and mentally if I had to stay in this M".
F: "You don't think this marriage is good for you. And you are suffering right now. I can see that"
W: "Yes but everyone somehow still refuses to accept that"
F: "At least, I already am. I accept that you are suffering from this. And that I should let you go"
W: "Thank you"

Then we talked about how to proceed with the D. I suggested to go through the MC first, then breaking the news to the parents and then finally proceeding to D. She wanted for everyone to talk first (Me, W, both parents) before doing anything. I said "I understand that you need to think about it first. Let me know when you have decided" and ended the convo there.

So, there it is. She's convinced that this M is not worth saving. I do not understand what made her so sure of that when we only had 4 normal days of marriage together. She didn't even try. Sigh. I am really hurt when she said all that, but at least now I know that with the way that she is right now, she is a lost cause.

I am deeply hurt but I am even more convinced that she should be let go.

God, please give me strength.

[SteveLW]

Yep, I figured she wanted to do all of this on her terms.

"She wanted for everyone to talk first (Me, W, both parents) before doing anything."

I am opposed to this.

"I feel it would be better if you handled your parents and I handled mine."

She is wanting your protection from her parents. That this is a mutual decision. I wouldn't provide that to her. This is her path. Her decision. She needs to feel the consequences for her own actions.

This is what I would do:

1) I'd go talk to my parents. Tell them bluntly everything that has happened. The simple truth. That you tried everything you could think of. You even honored her request to give her time and space.

2) I'd let her know that you will not be talking to her parents. That she is on her own to handle telling them.

3) I'd arrange a time in the next 2 weeks to meet at the courthouse with your WAW to file for D.

Remember, even though you've made the decision to file for D doesn't mean you are done DBing! DBing continues even after D! D is not an end, it is a step in the process. Many here have D'd and gone on to an awesome life without their WAS. Others have D only to have their WAS come back and want to R. Always be DBin!

[funbun]

Thank you for always being here Steve. Your advice has always helped me to refocus.

W and I text slightly more frequently for the past three days. Mostly on divorce proceedings.

She's a lot more calmer now and... respectful.

She texted my parents, saying goodbyes, apologizing, and thanking them. She texted me saying that once D is final, she won't say anything bad about me and will respect my wishes. I stated my boundaries and my conditions and she has respectfully complied to them all.

Now I can't help but empathize with her. I can't help but think that she has suffered too. The cold hard woman for the past three months has gone and now I can only see a woman that has gone through a lot of pain and wants her peace.

I am not as angry (well maybe a little) anymore. I just feel sad. Despite what she did, I still love her.

I feel sad that I will lose this woman. I was expecting her to be angry cold hateful throughout all of this, but this.. she's just another human being that is in pain. It's making the path to D a lot more difficult.

But I do know that I cannot make her suffer any longer. I have to let her go. If this is what they meant by "letting go with love" then this must be it.

I am sad that she has suffered a lot and I am sad she is going to go away.

OR I am probably delusional again, and this is some sort of emotional side-effect of D. Am I being too soft on her?

Has anyone gone through a similar thing? Any comment is very much appreciated.

[ovrrnbw]

I think you're going through something normal. A lot of people hold on to their resentment (of their spouse leaving) to the point where they never see it through the WAS's eyes. Process your feelings and thoughts on this situation and then move your mind to the next moment of your day with strength and commitment to the task at hand. You'll make it through this just fine.

I will say that I hope you are keeping your comms with her strictly business.

[funbun]

Thanks ovr.

Yes, the texts are all business. I am still upholding the DB principles as best as I can on this path to D (and also after).

I read in your sitch and many others that the WS had doubts with their AP after a while. I think my W is different in that I don’t think there is an A, and she seemed very sure and determined to leave this M because she no longer has feelings for me and staying would be miserable for everyone. She has never shown any hint of doubt. If she firmly believes in the morality of her decision then I don’t think any amount of persuading and waiting will make her change her mind. The right move is to let her go and let her live with her decision.

I need to move on, heal, and find my own happiness.

[funbun]

Sorry, what I should say was it was mostly business.

There was talk about sadness, pain, and family and most of it came from W. I validated as best as I can.

[funbun]

Update

We went to file the D papers yesterday (in my country both S must be present). The clerk there explained that we will be summoned to a court hearing sometime next week. They are going to call us to inform us of the date. The clerk also explained that W will need to give a valid reason during the hearing for her D request to be accepted. Otherwise, we will be sent to a 4-6 months marriage counselling. Unless, the H (me) willingly agrees to D.

Let me clarify that under Islamic law and in this country, there needs to be a valid and strong reason for D to happen e.g. abuse, not fulfilling marital duties, long time absence, etc. Islam is also a religion that is pro-marriage, and hence the law requires a couple to go through counselling first before anything. Furthermore, and I mentioned this before, the H holds a lot of say when it comes to D.

W certainly does not have a strong case to make her D request be accepted. In the eyes of the islamic law, wanting a divorce just because you "don't feel it" anymore is not a strong reason and it is advised for the couple to do whatever that is necessary to make amends (MC). Furthermore, as a husband, I have been very loving and have done nothing wrong. So, no strong case can be made against me. W was not happy when all of this was explained to her lol (and yes, inside, I did take a bit of enjoyment and self-satisfaction from her disappointment, I am no angel lol)

So, it all comes down to what I'll say during the hearing. If I talk truthfully and honestly, then the judge would declare the D request to be forced then we would be sent to 6 months of MC. That would be agonizing for W. In order for the D to follow through, I would have to cooperate with W and say that I agree to the D in a convincing manner.

Regardless, I will make sure that the D process goes smoothly. I will cooperate. I know I should not make W suffer any longer. Or myself for that matter.

It's just.. sigh.. I want to be happily married. W was supposed to be the one. Why did it come to this. There is a part of me that is unwilling and it will take a lot of work (emotionally) to convince the judge. But I know, I KNOW, there's no use beating a dead horse. It's better to just let go and move on.

Sigh. God, please give me strength.

[SteveLW]

"Yes your honor, I willing accept this divorce."

Short, sweet. And truthful.

Notice it doesn't say you want it. It just says you accept it


You're right, holding it up will accomplish nothing.