Newlywed and in limbo

[funbun]

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.

I've been trying to stay off this site and just live my life.

A lot of things feel normalized now. I remember a couple of days ago when I decided to let go, I felt good, I was on a high. That emotion has settled down now and I am mostly feeling normal most days. It's not great all the time. It's not bad all the time. It's mostly just okay. That's life I guess.

Some things do trigger memories of W. I get waves of sadness from time to time, but eventually always managed to get out of that state and proceed on with my life.

Here are the things that I appreciate:

(1) The quiet and slow pace life.
(2) Working from home (means control over my time and activities).
(3) This site, a place for guidance and expressing my thoughts, when there was no one I can talk to here.

I do still find things to appreciate from time to time. I do think it helps me keep a positive mindset.

For the next part, I just want to journal something that I was thinking about for the past few days:

I happened upon an article talking about fear of intimacy a couple of days back. It hit me how the behaviour described in the article perfectly fits my W. It all makes sense now: the hot and cold treatment, the witholding of affection, her resistance to changes in life, her short-lived past relationships, the breakdown 5 days into the marriage. It makes perfect sense. She was just scared. Really scared of letting someone close and scared of being vulnerable. Being married must've been overwhelming and scary for her. I can't help but feel sorry for her. If only I knew she was going through.

I thought about talking to her about it (maybe through text or maybe by meeting up with her) but I kept stopping myself from doing so. I realized that I am beginning to take it as my problem while in truth it was her problem to own and sort out. I don't want to be the pursuer and I don't want to be the fixer. I am done with being those things. I should trust that she has the capacity to sort out her own issues. She has to go through the process on her own.

The most loving act I can do right now is to let her live her life and process her inner conflict.

"Let her be funbun. You need to focus on yourself" is what I kept telling myself.

[funbun]

Can’t sleep. Been awake for an hour thinking. Just gonna type some thoughts down:

Grieve is a part of the letting go process. When you let go, at the start you feel lighter, you feel free. A high. Over time, those good feel emotions settle down and you are facing a grounded reality. There are thoughts and feelings you need to process. Can’t ignore them. You need to address them. Some hard truths. But you need to face them regardless if you want to fully heal. This is where the grieve comes. It’s hard and it will take time.

But you do have time. Plenty of it. There is no rush. You take as long as you can. You don’t have to feel bad for slowly healing. Slow progress is still progress.

I am grateful that the court date has been push to months from now. Plenty of time to heal.

[neffer]

We can only control ourselves. We can not be tied to someone. Feel the freedom, feel its power. Then keep working on yourself. Today, tomorrow and after tomorrow. Repeat this each day.

Pacience needs time. Use that time wisely.

Keep DB fb

[funbun]

We can only control ourselves. We can not be tied to someone. Feel the freedom, feel its power. Then keep working on yourself. Today, tomorrow and after tomorrow. Repeat this each day.

Pacience needs time. Use that time wisely.

Keep DB fb

Thanks for your reply neffer, I appreciate you stopping by here.

[funbun]

I had several difficult days recently.

I couldn't take my mind off W and the waves of sadness are hitting more compared to before. Probably because of this pandemic and being indoors all the time.

As I mentioned last month that I just realized that W has strong signs of fear of intimacy. Hence, everything that has happened and her behaviour fits in that bill like 80% of the time. I have a feeling that she is not aware of it, or maybe she does deep down but refuses to face it. I have this strong urge to want to talk about it with her and make sure she is aware of it.

I have been fighting back this urge of course. Telling myself, it's none of my business and I should trust that she is capable of self reflection. This is more controlling behaviour and pursuit. I should focus on myself.

Yet, this thought is eating me inside and maybe I should just talk to her about it and be done with it. Let it out, ya know? So that these thoughts do not bother me anymore and I can let it go once it has been said and move on. What can go wrong?

And yes, I'll be honest, there is a part of me that hopes talking to her about this will somehow take her out of the her fog. I'll be lying if I said I am not.

Should I act on this impulse?
Has anyone done something similar before?
Is there a good way of doing it for the sake of clearing the mind and letting go?
I would appreciate the advice.

[LITB]

Hey funbun,

I would suggest to let her be. I am confident that you will come away disappointed and hurt by placing expectations of her snapping out of her fog. When you do things like that, you inevitably slow down the process.

It's like putting your hand in the fire. Every time you do it, you get burned and it leaves scars. Eventually you will learn not to put your hand in the fire.

Hang in there.

[LH19]

FB,

If you could use logic and reason with a WW then the divorce rate would be at about 10%.

[Traveler]

Hi Funbun,

Should I act on this impulse?

No.

Has anyone done something similar before?

Yes, this is a common mistake.

Is there a good way of doing it for the sake of clearing the mind and letting go?

Since the goal is to clear your mind of her, instead of contact which will do the opposite, write out all those things you wish she'd done better such as confronting her fear of intimacy instead of rejecting on a piece of paper, then burn them one by one as you forgive her and say farewell.

[Ready2Change]

Is there a good way of doing it for the sake of clearing the mind and letting go?
I would appreciate the advice.

Write everything out in a letter. Get everything you want to say to her in that leter. Take your time and do it right. When you are done read it from start for finish. Put in a safe place and wait a day. Then read it one last time. Burn it.

[funbun]

I would suggest to let her be. I am confident that you will come away disappointed and hurt by placing expectations of her snapping out of her fog. When you do things like that, you inevitably slow down the process.

If you could use logic and reason with a WW then the divorce rate would be at about 10%.

Thank you LITB and LH19. I needed that. Needed someone to snap me back whenever my anxiety and pursuer tendencies come kicking in. I am calmer now.

Since the goal is to clear your mind of her, instead of contact which will do the opposite, write out all those things you wish she'd done better such as confronting her fear of intimacy instead of rejecting on a piece of paper, then burn them one by one as you forgive her and say farewell.

Write everything out in a letter. Get everything you want to say to her in that leter. Take your time and do it right. When you are done read it from start for finish. Put in a safe place and wait a day. Then read it one last time. Burn it.

I remember my IC recommended me to write a letter. I have not gotten around to do it. Not much of a writer myself, but I see how this can help. Thank you for the suggestion. I am fine now. I will probably need it the next time around when things get difficult again.