Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[wooba]

At the same time, I think some things I learned here kicked in. I felt sad but I didn't beat myself up the way I would have before for how he saw me. I didn't need his validation, or for him to like me. In fact, I realized how sad and pathetic he was. And what a fool for giving up such a beautiful family. He is almost 50 and walking out the door because he is a victim (I'm a monster) and the grass is greener out there. I have been through two failed businesses with him. I have been through his 2 year A. His constant business traveling where I hold the fort down. I've supported his expensive hobbies. I keep myself fit and the house clean. I told him that I am tired of the way he constantly criticizes me. How I can't win with him. If I do something good, he feels it should have been better. The way he compares me to other women. What I wouldn't give for appreciation, admiration, respect.

You are more than enough no matter what he says. I’m happy for you that you have become stronger. I feel the same with my H, I feel sorry for him that he has to hate me to justify his decision to leave his family. The easy way is usually not the right/best way.

Hang in there, we’ll get through this!!

[Pommy99]

OG, sending hugs. They have to have a story, and you’re the villain. It’s the only way they can justify it. And you’re ruining his story. He is trying to use you as a scapegoat to justify his actions because he cannot admit his own failings. Don’t let him put you down, you are worthy and one day someone - be it H or someone else - will value you and treat you as you deserve.

My H is also nearly 50 and freely admits he is terrified of getting old. He’s bought the sports car last year, he has an amazing house that he has worked hard for, 2 beautiful daughters, a great job, but there is something missing for him. I have never felt like I was enough for him, that I was sexy/sassy or whatever. I am very fit and in good shape .... but he made me feel like a frump, nothing more than a mother to his kids. But I have learnt that I have so much more to offer. And if he doesn’t want it then that will be his loss. Keep working hard on being your best self. Don’t let anyone else make you feel undervalued, because you are worth so much more. Keep radiating positivity, smiles, that you’ll be fine without him. x

[oceangrl]

Wooba -- thank you for your words. It is a sad sad situation, isn't it?! We will get through this for sure!!! xoxo

Pommy -- My husband hit the MLC hard. The car, the gym, the toy's, unfortunately the affair...like you I pretzeled my self to be enough. I finally realize I cannot fill his holes. I can't make him happy. I had to go on a guerrilla warfare campaign to change my thinking and realize I am enough for me. Even if not enough for him, I will be for someone else. I listed to motivational stuff, did mantras, it sounds so cheesy but it is working!

Thank you both for your kindness!

[oceangrl]

Update/Journaling

After such an emotionally tough weekend, I am surprised at the week I am having. I think I have heard his mean complaints about me so much that I have developed some level of immunity and an ability to internally roll my eyes and see it from a different perspective. Before I would take it all incredibly personally. I really don't right now. I am still sad at the situation, but it's more of a natural and healthy sadness.

I have been able to be just "me" lately. Laugh, joke, feel more light-hearted. I can see him react to me....but I don't care. It's not about him. I don't care what he does or if it makes him feel more relaxed or not. I truly and just being me. I am not avoiding him or going to him. I am not thinking about what he is doing in another room or who is messaging. I'm not thinking about him at all. I don't need to prove anything to him. I don't care if he is attracted to me. He once brought up my other female friends and would say, "So and so is the whole package." He would also allude to how I was not. It hurt me terribly at the time for good reason. Now I think whatever, because I don't respect him enough to let him decide what kind of "package" I am. I decide that.

I am letting soak in every cell that I am going to be okay. Regardless of what he does or where this ends, I am going to be okay. My future is mine.

It's incredibly freeing. I feel more relaxed than I have in three years.

For me to entertain being with him again, I would have to see a profound change of heart. I will not tolerate anything less anymore. And that I cannot control.

I would tell beginning DBers that THIS is the point of DBing. It can save your marriage. But more importantly, it saves you. If someone as needy and pathetic and clingy as I was can get to this point, I swear anyone can.

The hardest times for me are in the when I wake up and just before I go to sleep. That is when I have to fight exhaustion and discouragement and fear. I am trying hard to get routines together. I need sleep, and this causes me to fight going to sleep. I am sure a psychologist could have a field day with that.

Thanks for everyone's continued support. I know that every week will not be as smooth. I know I have a lot of pain coming down the pipeline if he goes forward with this D. And he isn't very nice. He has told me that "being married to me is misery." I don't know how a clean house, good food, staying fit, being a good mom and support of his career is misery, but I guess he does. We don't even fight. I don't criticize or nag. But I suppose he has to keep to that position to feel better about wanting to check out the greener grass.

[unchien]

For me to entertain being with him again, I would have to see a profound change of heart. I will not tolerate anything less anymore. And that I cannot control.

This is *exactly* the mentality that helped me detach more than anything else.

[oceangrl]

For me to entertain being with him again, I would have to see a profound change of heart. I will not tolerate anything less anymore. And that I cannot control.

This is *exactly* the mentality that helped me detach more than anything else.

Unchien, I swear, maybe I FINALLY got it.

[oceangrl]

Well, Day four of being stuck at home with the kids. We are doing okay, but trying not to go stir crazy. H traveled for work anyway of course.

We had MC on saturday. The MC worked with my husband on how logical he is all the time and avoids emotions. My husband stated at the end he doesn't have a desire to work on the marriage. But he and the MC agreed that he could experiment on having a desire to have the desire.

I'm kind of like whatever. Hanging out here in limbo. It was an odd week because of all the closures here in CA. It's sad because we are so good as a family together. And we did talk more this week and he didn't act repulsed if we touched at all. So there are tiny good things. But honestly, I have had hope so many times and had it squished I try hard not to think about it too much. One day I do well, another day I feel so sad. I have been getting sick repeatedly due to the emotional stress. I had trouble even wanting to get out of bed this morning. I've got to do better than that. It's hard because its been raining here and you can't leave the apartment. I worked on organizing my daughter's room with her.

He and my son had plans to go skiing next week, but of course that's all shut down now. He keeps pushing to take DS out of town anyway, but I am telling him I am not comfortable with the state of things now, and I don't want my family in different states right now. Inside I have to fight backing down because I want to please. But so far I have been holding strong.

I go back and forth. One moment I am detaching well, the next I feel so sad and wish I could hear my H say ILY. Then I feel super angry and am pretty sure I hate him. I feel stuck in limbo. He has talked about D, and as we all know planned it out in his head (what would be best for all of us -- ugh) but has not talked to an L or filed anything. He has a big unicorn and rainbow idea of D anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. I've got to pick myself up so I can be a better mom and more present for them.

[may22]

I like the tiny good things and not really caring about where H is since he's bouncing all around. Desire to have the desire... I think that follows along the "feelings follow action" which works... but he's got to do the actual work and to want it at some level.

Good on you for holding strong, too, about the travel. The last thing you want is to get the family separated and someone get sick, or them to get stuck if domestic travel restrictions go into place. I'm so, so glad we didn't end up going on our vacation as we probably would have had to turn around and get on an airplane right back.

I hope you can keep working on detaching and healing yourself, no matter what is going on with him. Whatever you can do to find that calm space again you found on the beach. (((HUGS)))

[MoGirl]

I am so grateful to be someone who is beginning to be able to advocate for myself and not abandon myself. I was no doubt the poster child for a desperate, needy LBS. I felt like if he didn't love me my life is over.

Now I know, no matter what, my life is mine. My future is mine.

OG, I admire you for your progress and how you are standing-up for yourself. I hate that this is happening to you, but I do get strength from reading your posts as well as others in the same situation. It's just a shame we have to go through this. ((hugs))

[Pommy99]

OG it’s so hard to ignore the breadcrumbs, but like me, you seem to be in a place where you recognise that they are insignificant, I’m sorry to say. Everything you say really resonates. My H refused to go to MC last year (we’d tried about 2 years ago and it was a disaster -back then it was him who took us). I didn’t push the agenda last year as I’d lost faith in the process. But I tried other marriage programs and he said he would join me in them but never did. I tried to explain that in mature relationships actions drive feeling etc but his efforts were always half hearted. I feel your pain of limbo, the frustration of their inaction (which is an action in itself). Remember he is undecided, else he would have left, he’s still trying to figure it out. You are being really strong, it may be difficult to get out an GAL at this time but you can still GAL at home, like you are doing, help him to believe that you can function without him, and are capable of making your own choices. You will get through this, you are stronger than you realise.

Do you think MC is working right now? Did he want to go in the first place? How would you feel if you said that you didn’t feel that MC was beneficial right now because you need some time to figure out what your goals and vision are? How would he react if his W suddenly indicated uncertainty?

Sending big hugs your way (via satellite seeing as all flights banned! ) .