You asked her out and she said maybe another time. That’s when your response should have been “great text me when you want to get together”. That puts the ball in her court. She never hears from you again unless she reaches out to you to get together. You’re not interested in being friends or small talk. You’re only interested if she wants to get together. When you ask her out and she declines you never ask her again. It has to be her idea.
You asked her out and she said maybe another time. That’s when your response should have been “great text me when you want to get together”. That puts the ball in her court. She never hears from you again unless she reaches out to you to get together. You’re not interested in being friends or small talk. You’re only interested if she wants to get together. When you ask her out and she declines you never ask her again. It has to be her idea.
OK, so this was the text exchange:
Her: [long text about coronavirus and how I should stock up on groceries]
Me: Thanks. Did you want to get together for dinner tonight?
Her: I already ordered my dinner for pickup. Maybe another day.
Me: If you change your mind let me know.
Her: Ok.
So as you can see, I put the ball in her court for dinner THAT NIGHT. Obviously, that night has passed now, and it could be argued that the ball is not on anyone's court anymore. If she initiates contact with me again, should I say something to somehow put the ball in her court more permanently?
This is kinda desperate. Like you don't have anything better to do. Better to not respond IMO. When the answer isn't "YES" whatever else is said is just another way of saying "NO".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She declines, apologizes for sending me mixed signals, and says that she had a lapse in judgment. I foolishly try to reason with her about why having another dinner would be a good idea, and I impulsively call and text her (exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to do). She, of course, maintains her cold and distant stance, and refuses to see me again.
Originally Posted by "Dbx80, yesterday"
I took that opportunity (since she reached out to me unprompted) to ask if she wanted to get dinner. She said "maybe another day." If you change your mind let me know.
Hi Dbx80, after a night of passion, it must be frustrating to find yourself rejected multiple times. She sounds lukewarm about you, and you sound head over heals about her. We all have to walk our own path, but this forum is here to help if a daily check-in would help you gal, find your center, and detach. Personal growth and giving someone who doesn't want you just now time to miss you can work wonders. Take care!
4) After going dark for 2 months, I contact her asking if she'd like to go to dinner with me. She accepts, we have an amazing time at dinner, we go back to my place, and we end up talking for 4 hours and we ultimately have sex. She tells me she's no longer talking to OM, that she misses me, and that she's very sorry for everything.
5) A couple of days later, I reach out to her to ask if she'd like to have dinner again. She declines, apologizes for sending me mixed signals, and says that she had a lapse in judgment. I foolishly try to reason with her about why having another dinner would be a good idea, and I impulsively call and text her (exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to do). She, of course, maintains her cold and distant stance, and refuses to see me again.
I know I ruined it. I should not have pursued after the dinner. My question is: NOW WHAT? Is there any way to salvage this? I was so close.
No, you still haven't figured it out. You didn't ruin it b/c you pursued after the dinner. You ruined it when you called the first time to ask her out to dinner. That is pursuit. Two months of darkness wasted. What made you think it was fine to call her for no reason and ask her out? Nothing has changed for her, or she would have been chasing you down, begging you to take her back.
I'm sorry to tell you that when #4 happens.........then the outcome of #5 is classic. But, if you don't learn your REAL mistake and WHEN you made it, then you probably repeat it and have the same outcome. You NEVER pursue a wife who has chosen another guy over you! You NEVER beg & plead with a WW!
What next? Well, you go dark and wait till hell freezes over before you initiate anymore contact with her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, you still haven't figured it out. You didn't ruin it b/c you pursued after the dinner. You ruined it when you called the first time to ask her out to dinner. That is pursuit. Two months of darkness wasted. What made you think it was fine to call her for no reason and ask her out? Nothing has changed for her, or she would have been chasing you down, begging you to take her back.
I'm sorry to tell you that when #4 happens.........then the outcome of #5 is classic. But, if you don't learn your REAL mistake and WHEN you made it, then you probably repeat it and have the same outcome. You NEVER pursue a wife who has chosen another guy over you! You NEVER beg & plead with a WW!
What next? Well, you go dark and wait till hell freezes over before you initiate anymore contact with her.
Thanks Sandi. OK, I understand your viewpoint. But what do I do if she does contact me again after going dark? Do I respond and engage? Ignore her? It would be good to know what to do beforehand, as these things can move very quickly.
Thanks Sandi. OK, I understand your viewpoint. But what do I do if she does contact me again after going dark?
If I were you, I'd be harder to get the third time around. Make her work for it, considering the extent the first dinner date, and then how quickly she said no a few day later, and went into all the excuses for her behavior after the dinner.
I wouldn't expect to hear from right away. Some day she may call for this or that excuse, but she's really checking out how friendly you are. I think she'll bring up how she enjoyed the first dinner with you b/c it had been a long time, yada, yada. She is checking your emotional temperature, and before coming right out and inviting you for dinner, she may suggest something very causal. But here are a couple of options.
If she does call and suggests dinner.I would have plans for whatever day/night she suggested, play hard-to-get at least. If she starts getting pushy, then calmly tell her that you have made commitments for that night....and you won't change it. Don't give in to her nosy questions about where you're going, what you'll do.....and who (meaning lady) will be with you(Secretly, you can be committed to driving around the block, but don't tell her. It's none of her business. You need to a bit mysterious referring to your activities. Don't let her get you back so easily.......or give another opportunity for her to setup and letdown your emotions. And if she asks what night would work for you........tell her you will think about it. Don't offer another time/date, b/c it is her call. Don't call and give her a time/date for dinner. If she's interested, she'll call back again. But YOU must stop pursuing her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A few more thoughts about what to expect her "contacts" to look like. I think the more common form that seem to come out of nowhere from the wishy-wash WW is something like......"Hope you have a good day"........"How are you"......"Thinking about you"........"Hi"......etc. If you've ever been fishing, you know a nibble from a full on hook-in-the mouth. Well, whenever a WW sends a text that is similar these, they are nothing but a nibble. She's not really offering anything you can grasp, and it plays on mind, wondering what it means. Does she want to get back together, does she want to talk, see you'll respond, etc? She wants to see you respond, but it's not b/c she cares or is even interested in anything more......but to see if you are still her backup plan.
I can almost hear you asking, "But if I don't respond, won't she think I'm not interested?" If you are lucky, that's what she'll think. B/c things work backward in the WW head. By that, I mean the actions that seem logical to use with your W......don't work with Waywards. She's a different girl now. That's not to say she'll never change back, but if you really want her, then you need to strongly consider reading all the links that are listed at the bottom of page 1 on Sandi's Rules. Other posters were interacting throughout the threads, so don't get distracted. I did answer some of them directly, but for the most part, I tried to write as if I were addressing a group about the WW mindset.
Back to your question what to do if she contacts you. I suggest no response if she texts or emails these little nibbles. Considering she dumped you again, you should really ignore these insignificant nibbles. Don't play the nice-guy who is afraid he'll appear rude to his WW. If she reacts negatively to no response, like saying, "Fine! Be a jerk!" If she has an angry reaction, due to you not pouncing on the first few peeps from her........mark it down, she is not ready for you to go any further. She is playing you. The WW has to think her H is truly not interested in her. How does this work? Well, I talk a little about it in my previous post, and more about it the WW threads. You need to remember she is not the loving, sweet girl you fell in love with. At least, I hope she was a loving W back then. She's changed and she wants what she can't have. She took you for granted, took your help for granted, and she didn't give of herself which is normally required in a long term relationship. The love, in this MR, became one-sided. So, she becomes attracted to another guy, and away she goes. If that A fails, she may shop around for OM#2, b/c her wayward mindset has not changed. Until it changes, her disrespect & rebellion will be primary issues. Anger, b/c her jilted H doesn't jump when she snaps her fingers (text a little hello) is only one example demonstrating how illogical and out of balance she is. You really do have to be the man hard to get, unless you want to go through this past. She has to be the one who pursues you, and for a long time. Else, it's just games for her. Maybe I need to exchange "pursue" to "showing eagerness", b/c a lot of LBH's don't see what we mean as pursuit. Even if she should initiate a phone call, don't sound thrilled to death to hear from her and jump at the chance of having dinner again. She will see it as eagerness, and she'll pull back again.
The WW feels everything is about her. It's unbelievable how much false pride she has, and will exhibit often. And no matter how long it's been since you've gone dark or had the last contact, you must not jump on the nibbles. You must not worry you'll lose an opportunity for reconciliation. Trust me when I tell you that you cannot win her back by showing eagerness. She is a liar, cheater, and has betrayed your trust in the worst way. She won't respect you being eager to interact with her, considering how awful she's treated you. As long as she feels she has you in the palm of her hand.........then you won't be her primary choice. You are too easy for her to get back, so she's not interested. That's how waywards work!
Do you want her in & out of your life, if she's not committed? If she's not serious, and doesn't know what she really wants, and repeatedly discards you like yesterdays newspaper? No, but you are probably thinking you could get her to slowly change her mind.....if she would come home. I strongly recommend you not live with her until she shows serious signs of remorse, seeking your forgiveness, is pleading for another chance, and you can see a humble heart in her........(which some WW's can fool the eager H with tears. He needs to wait for her ugly face cry!) As long as she has any form of contact with OM, her feelings will be fickle.
Maybe you've read some about "letting her go". You have to let go of your fear of losing her and never getting her back again. WW's can sense fear in the LBH, so it works against him. I encourage you to work on your self confidence. The one thing a WW respects is strength. That's it. She may not like you, and she may get mad.......but if she sees male confidence & your self-respect.......she's attracted to it, b/c that's how she is naturally wired as a woman.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she reacts negatively to no response, like saying, "Fine! Be a jerk!" If she has an angry reaction, due to you not pouncing on the first few peeps from her........mark it down, she is not ready for you to go any further. She is playing you. The WW has to think her H is truly not 
As long as she feels she has you in the palm of her hand.........then you won't be her primary choice. You are too easy for her to get back, so she's not interested. That's how waywards work!