I don't see anything horrible here. I understand why you wanted to pursue a bit. It usually doesn't work but your sitch is different and you haven't been seeing her or communicating much. It doesn't appear to have worked in your sitch either but I wouldn't say it's a "kick in the nuts" either and I can speak from experience.
When a woman turns down your advance the best thing to do is roll on to the next one like it didn't bother you at all and that is why I say it's no kick in the nuts. Your happiness is set either way, or at least that should be your mindset. I think you have this mindset within you. That said, you love your W and you are making progress as an individual that will help you in your next R, so I understand why you are hanging on for the time being. I think that is the right thing to do and I endured something similar. Nothing of value comes easily. Whether or not the biggest takeaway will be reconciliation with your W or something else we don't know, but you will learn a lot from this experience.
I wish you the best of luck, I've always been drawn to your sitch. BTW, did you get your startup going again? I know a lot of guys licking their chops with the SBA EIDL and PPP funds out there right now. My business hasn't seen much effect yet from this virus.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
24 hours later, no response. And as I'm sure you might guess based on my history, the lack of a response threw me off and now I'm back in a negative spiral. I know better, but it's hard to avoid.
Sure sounds like a kick in the nuts to me. I also would like to point out how her not responding speaks volumes. She could have said “I don’t think it’s a good idea”. I would like to caution newbies on reading this thread that pursuit does not work and usually pushes them further away as seen above.
I don't see anything horrible here. I understand why you wanted to pursue a bit. It usually doesn't work but your sitch is different and you haven't been seeing her or communicating much. It doesn't appear to have worked in your sitch either but I wouldn't say it's a "kick in the nuts" either and I can speak from experience.
When a woman turns down your advance the best thing to do is roll on to the next one like it didn't bother you at all and that is why I say it's no kick in the nuts. Your happiness is set either way, or at least that should be your mindset. I think you have this mindset within you. That said, you love your W and you are making progress as an individual that will help you in your next R, so I understand why you are hanging on for the time being. I think that is the right thing to do and I endured something similar. Nothing of value comes easily. Whether or not the biggest takeaway will be reconciliation with your W or something else we don't know, but you will learn a lot from this experience.
I wish you the best of luck, I've always been drawn to your sitch. BTW, did you get your startup going again? I know a lot of guys licking their chops with the SBA EIDL and PPP funds out there right now. My business hasn't seen much effect yet from this virus.
I did actually, I ended up raising $4.5mm in VC right before the virus stopped everything. I'm hiring like crazy - super advantageous, given all of the companies that are spinning down talent - and certainly getting the business up and running is taking up a lot of my mindshare.
What's so crazy about all of this is that I know I've got so much to offer, but going through the S has just completely destroyed my self-esteem. The opposites of feeling like my professional life is going so well and that many people think so highly of me in that arena and how bad I feel about my personal life is as stark as it gets.
24 hours later, no response. And as I'm sure you might guess based on my history, the lack of a response threw me off and now I'm back in a negative spiral. I know better, but it's hard to avoid.
Sure sounds like a kick in the nuts to me. I also would like to point out how her not responding speaks volumes. She could have said “I don’t think it’s a good idea”. I would like to caution newbies on reading this thread that pursuit does not work and usually pushes them further away as seen above.
I mean, it's sort of irrelevant - the point is, I pursued and it wasn't a good look, regardless of whether she immediately responded or not. The hardest part for me (and I would suspect, a lot of people) is understanding that they're just in a different headspace. For as much as I can sit here and say "Man, we're in a pandemic, all I'm doing is thinking about my loved ones, she must be too!", that's a dangerous assumption and acting on it is even worse. Lesson learned.
I mean, it's sort of irrelevant - the point is, I pursued and it wasn't a good look, regardless of whether she immediately responded or not. The hardest part for me (and I would suspect, a lot of people) is understanding that they're just in a different headspace. For as much as I can sit here and say "Man, we're in a pandemic, all I'm doing is thinking about my loved ones, she must be too!", that's a dangerous assumption and acting on it is even worse. Lesson learned.[/quote]
That is the biggest lesson for in all this. You cannot assign your emotions/thoughts/logic to another person. You cannot even begin to assume what is going on in their head and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out
That is the biggest lesson for in all this. You cannot assign your emotions/thoughts/logic to another person. You cannot even begin to assume what is going on in their head and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out
Driving myself nuts trying to figure it out is just so, so true. It just doesn't make sense. Even if I throw the cliches of "I was the most important person in her life, now I'm a just a stranger" out the window, pretty much everything else she's done doesn't really add up. She intentionally withholds (like NC on my birthday, or just the other day), but she lights up when she sees me and we laugh and have a great time. She doesn't make any effort to move anything forward, yet she consistently turns down any option of cutting the cord, including literally telling me that it's not how she feels.
I feel like I'm just in a loop here. It's probably how a lot of people here feel. One positive month of focusing on myself and detaching, then a slip up, back to square one.
A lot of people, including my IC, ask me when I'm going to be done, when I'm going to stop putting myself through it. I wish I knew. I still love her, I can't dispute that. And I still think, 100% and absolutely, that the time we spent apart has opened my eyes to a lot of things that would make us better and more harmonious partners in the future. I'm not the man I was six months ago.
And so I just assume there's going to be a day in the future when I wake up and realize it's not what I want anymore. But I'm not there yet. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be there. But until that day comes, I'll be standing and working on myself while whatever happens happens.
My therapist believes that so much of our S is about her being unhappy with where she was with her life (not working, focusing on art, dependent on me) and that her mindset right now is all about being totally independent, not needing anyone for anything, and so on.
Maybe. I hope your IC helps you focus on you. Neither you nor your IC can really know exactly what's going on with her.
Originally Posted by SteveS
She's had so many opportunities to really create distance, none of which she's taken - our finances are still combined, she's on my insurance, and so on.
Common WAS behavior. What benefit would she have by separating finances and getting off your insurance?
U, good point on the separating of finances and insurance. WAS's throw all the rules and morals out the window after the drop the bomb. Her separating finance and insurance gets in the way of her NYC lifestyle while focusing on art and politics which I imagine are more passions projects than business endeavors. Just trying to get you thinking Steve, not attack you guys.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 04/07/2006:37 PM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
U, good point on the separating of finances and insurance. WAS's throw all the rules and morals out the window after the drop the bomb. Her separating finance and insurance gets in the way of her NYC lifestyle while focusing on art and politics which I imagine are more passions projects than business endeavors. Just trying to get you thinking Steve, not attack you guys.
No, it's a fair point. I go back and forth on it a lot. I feel very naive when I give WAS the benefit of the doubt, that she's ambivalent, she's hurting too, and so on. I guess I'll never really know the whole story. (Not that it really matters, but WAS went back to full-time work, and found a great job that she likes and pays well.)
Where I struggle so much with all of this is around control. The way I've lived my life has always been to work and to work and to work and get the things I want through sheer effort and force of will. Because of that, I can't say I have a lot of disappointments - other people have disappointed me, sure, but generally speaking my life has been pretty good, and it's not because it's been handed to me but it's because I've busted my ass to make my life what I want it to be.
But I can't control this. At all. All I can do is the things that make me a better, healthier person. And I do absolutely 100% believe that it would make us a stronger couple, but that's not why I'm doing it and even if it was, that's just not how thinks work.
I try to maintain self-awareness, but it's hard. I've got it good. I'm an able, talented person living in a wonderful city with a career I enjoy and great health. But then there's the voice: if that's the case, why doesn't she want me? If you have all of these things in your life you find fulfilling, why can't you stop thinking about the R? You've achieved so much in your life, how could you let this fail? How does anyone find peace with all of the things they wished they did differently?
I have such admiration for people on here who have done such a good job at detachment and dropping the rope. I just don't know how to do it. And I know it's rooted deep in me, all of my fears of abandonment from being adopted and my Mom passing away early, all of my co-dependency and NGS being the son of an alcoholic, and it just feels at times that I'm struggling against such a strong tide and it just floods and overwhelms me.
But I'm working on it. I'm working with my IC, I'm reading books, I'm posting here, I'm trying to figure it all out. That's all I can do, I guess.
I'm reading The Inner Citadel by Pierre Hadot. I found it b/c of a member here (R2C) and a link to the "daily stoic" on youtube. There is a great quote and this translated more than one way:
“What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.”
You have that control.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
