well I think it's good that she is the one calling you still. The subjects she is bringing seem a bit trivial, but obviously you don't want to tell her to stop beating around the bush because you'll just spook her.
If it is not forced and feels natural then I say what the hell.
I was thinking about what would happen if you were to stop taking the calls. I think eventually you might get to that point where you just say to yourself "No thanks" when she is calling, but again you are your own man and I'm not sure what you think.
Hope business is well. We are almost done with our wedding venue, but still have some land clearing to do. The shutdown might give us an immediate boost with other venues shutting down and delaying weddings.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
well I think it's good that she is the one calling you still. The subjects she is bringing seem a bit trivial, but obviously you don't want to tell her to stop beating around the bush because you'll just spook her.
If it is not forced and feels natural then I say what the hell.
I was thinking about what would happen if you were to stop taking the calls. I think eventually you might get to that point where you just say to yourself "No thanks" when she is calling, but again you are your own man and I'm not sure what you think.
Hope business is well. We are almost done with our wedding venue, but still have some land clearing to do. The shutdown might give us an immediate boost with other venues shutting down and delaying weddings.
I think they're somewhat trivial too but she is the anxious type, particularly around finances. And it's a demonstrable 180 for me, in the M I usually took care of that and made decisions on my own (on behalf of both of us, obviously) which made her feel unimportant and not a part of a team, so I'm going out of my way to listen to her, get her read on things, talk her through things, and so on.
I don't think I understand her issues with you. That seems pretty minor, and I say that knowing that you are supposed to keep your spouse happy, and feeling valued. But when one person clearly has a position of knowledge on a subject you kinda let that spouse do their thing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I don't think I understand her issues with you. That seems pretty minor, and I say that knowing that you are supposed to keep your spouse happy, and feeling valued. But when one person clearly has a position of knowledge on a subject you kinda let that spouse do their thing.
One thing I've been really working on with my IC is my tendency to take blame on my shoulders as an act of agency/control, under the logic that if.I own them, I can fix them, and therefore everything can go back to normal. So I have to temper myself a little bit when I list out the issues!
But long story short, NGS caught up to me and to us. It affected the way we communicated, the way that we showed love to each other, and certainly it led me to lie and mislead her on truly, truly stupid things in order to avoid a confrontation. And of course the usuals -- getting complacent, not understanding the cost of emotional labor, and so on.
I equivocate it much more to death by a million paper cuts than some huge, glaring issue, and I do have a significant amount of regret for not recognizing it earlier, and for not addressing it in a more fulsome manner with my IC, as it's been an issue I've struggled with all of my life. The double whammy of being adopted and growing up in an abusive/alcoholic/turbulent home is a spicy meatball rattling around in my subconscious.
Was I an awful husband? Absolutely not. I loved her, and worked hard to provide a good life for us. I'm not an addict, not a cheater, not abusive. But you can do a lot of things right and still not have it work. That's life.
I do feel lucky in that I know a lot of things are working for me: I'm young-ish, I'm ambitious and successful, and I'll find love again. I don't doubt that. And I feel confident that the hard work I'm doing to face my issues head-on will pay huge dividends down the round. But there's a reason why I married my WAW - she makes me laugh harder than anyone I've ever met, and as far as physical attraction, no one's been close, either. And I do think that the second time around -- if there is one -- will be so much smoother given the hindsight and perspective the S has given us. Until that day comes, or the day comes when I wake up and don't feel the way I do, it's me time.
A friend of mine in CA was talking about his love life, and how strange it is to be dating in the age of the virus. I asked him how he's been going about it, and he said that he's been using an app called Bumble, and it's really worked well for him.
Me being the fool I am, I got curious, downloaded it, and literally ten or so profiles in, boom, WAW.
I probably should have considered how I would feel if I saw her on there before I downloaded it, but I didn't. Obviously I'm not thrilled. Knowing what I know about her schedule, I'm sort of shocked she has time to date anyone even without the virus but I guess that's besides the point.
Here's where I waffle, even though I know the peanut gallery is going to jump all over me: during the M, I had Tinder and Bumble on my phone now and then, not to date anyone or meet anyone, but just to see what was out there. It seems so stupid (and hurtful) in retrospect, but it was kind of fun just to see all of the people who were around. I deleted it once my WAW found out from a friend of hers who found me on it; I'm sure you can imagine the fight and damage that incident caused. Anyway, what I'm driving at is that I guess I don't know that she's specifically using it to date, but that's probably giving her an awful lot of leeway given the situation.
So, what to do? Detachment would say not to care, it is what it is, blowing up and forcing a negative conversation isn't going to help anything. But I assume others would say "Look, that's a boundary, you're well within your right to say that you're not going to stay in this S if the other is out actively dating". Any insight?
Don’t even bring it up unless your ready to D her. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think she wasn’t going to date?
Yeah, I don't know. It's a good question. When we went into the S, we didn't have any conversations around structure or ground rules or anything. I wish we did.
I do remember in MC before we stopped going that WAW characterized the S as "giving space, not giving up". I remember that very clearly. For me, dating someone else sort of feels like giving up, so the implication would be that we wouldn't. I haven't, at least not seriously and nothing with a relationship in mind. I also clearly remember telling her that I had two stipulations: that I wouldn't be a Plan B, and that I wanted us both to agree that dragging things out if one side was done in the name of letting the other down easily would be much more hurtful than just having the conversation.
I suppose that's the difference between being on one side of a BD as opposed to the other. One side goes into full-on self-improvement mode, reading books, coming on here, going to IC. The other side just enjoys the freedom.
I’m sorry you’re struggling Steve and I want to point some things out to you.
99.9% of the time it is about being with or dating other people. That’s why there should never be any stipulations in the separation because the WW will never adhere to them. You are plan b until you decide you’re not and it sounds like that will continue.
Her words me nothing and you should only look at actions. Joining a dating website is an action. That’s the reality. When you ignore reality that is when you suffer.
I’m sorry you’re struggling Steve and I want to point some things out to you.
99.9% of the time it is about being with or dating other people. That’s why there should never be any stipulations in the separation because the WW will never adhere to them. You are plan b until you decide you’re not and it sounds like that will continue.
Her words me nothing and you should only look at actions. Joining a dating website is an action. That’s the reality. When you ignore reality that is when you suffer.
That's fair. Appreciate the cold water, as hard as it is.
I guess nothing has really changed, just that this is more visible. One day I'll wake up and decide that I'm done, or she will. Until then it's just another day and another opportunity for me to be the best version of myself I can be.
I feel bad that you had to see it. But it can be a positive if you use it fuel your detachment. I watched a guy jump off a scissor lift from 6 ft today at the venue. I felt the pain and my stomach dropped as I watched. Then I remembered the inner dialogue I had that created that feeling.
I'm not here to be the peanut gallery, though it would be fun. I did notice that you mentioned you've been dating during this separation but not seriously. You had the dating app years back. Your situation has parallels to many here. What were you searching for? What is she searching for? Validation, attention, true love, independence, success, ego boost?
And for newbies reading this I just want to say that there are never rules in a separation no matter what anyone says. Your W might have meant what she said in MC and she could have changed her mind since then. And yes the action is the action but you gotta focus on number one. If you find her actions too much you can just go dark and stop answering her calls. I know it's hard but you don't need to do anything about it right now. Stay strong my friend.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
