If I were you, I'd be harder to get the third time around. Make her work for it, considering the extent the first dinner date, and then how quickly she said no a few day later, and went into all the excuses for her behavior after the dinner.
I wouldn't expect to hear from right away. Some day she may call for this or that excuse, but she's really checking out how friendly you are. I think she'll bring up how she enjoyed the first dinner with you b/c it had been a long time, yada, yada. She is checking your emotional temperature, and before coming right out and inviting you for dinner, she may suggest something very causal. But here are a couple of options.
If she does call and suggests dinner.I would have plans for whatever day/night she suggested, play hard-to-get at least. If she starts getting pushy, then calmly tell her that you have made commitments for that night....and you won't change it. Don't give in to her nosy questions about where you're going, what you'll do.....and who (meaning lady) will be with you(Secretly, you can be committed to driving around the block, but don't tell her. It's none of her business. You need to a bit mysterious referring to your activities. Don't let her get you back so easily.......or give another opportunity for her to setup and letdown your emotions. And if she asks what night would work for you........tell her you will think about it. Don't offer another time/date, b/c it is her call. Don't call and give her a time/date for dinner. If she's interested, she'll call back again. But YOU must stop pursuing her.
Thanks Sandi. So to be clear, here is your proposed plan of action (please correct me if I've misunderstood):
1. Go dark indefinitely. 2. If she contacts me about dinner, say either that I'm busy that night or that I'll think about it. 3. Don't call her back about dinner; wait for her to call me again about it. 4. If she calls or texts a second time about having dinner, then accept the invite. 5. After the dinner is over, go dark again?
Another question: If we end up going to dinner at some point, is it OK to become intimate later that night if she initiates? Can I initiate if things are going well?
Another question: If we end up going to dinner at some point, is it OK to become intimate later that night if she initiates? Can I initiate if things are going well?
NO, DO NOT INITIATE.
Why is this so hard for you to understand what it means to not pursue?
Another question: If we end up going to dinner at some point, is it OK to become intimate later that night if she initiates? Can I initiate if things are going well?
Sigh........................... I am doing a poor job communicating. I apologize.
Okay, you were using the "after the last resort technique" (which is basically dropping off the planet) for two months, b/c there was some other guy in the picture, and everything you previously tried failed to change your WW's mind. Is this right, or have I confused you with someone else?
So, did something change in the sitch to cause you to come out of darkness and initiate a call to your wayward W and invite her out? If not, then you set yourself up for failure. Why would you wine, dine, talk for four hours, and have sex......if there has been no changes? That's what I'm not understanding.
Pursuing a WW is showing her that you are eager to spend time with her. Then after a wonderful night of having sex, you were very eager to repeat that experience. And, being true to her wayward nature, she wasn't on the same page with you. Has that little fact slowed you down? Apparently not.
You were eager to know what to do or say, if she contacted you to ask you to dinner. Not sure why you thought she would, but never-the-less, I gave a couple of examples and tried to explain what may happen. However, you have missed the point.....or I failed to make it clear enough.
It now appears, to me, that all you were really wanting is a short script to follow, should she call. Then I find out you are wanting to know if you get to go out with her ...... will it be okay to be intimate with her again. Am I assuming it does not matter to you that NOTHING has changed for her???? Are you willing to put your health at risk, without requiring that she is tested for STD, since she has had sex with OM?
If you want a simple bullet point Plan of Action, then scratch my last two previous posts.
1. Don't initiate contact.
2. Don't respond if she initiates contact.
3. Move forward making a life without her in it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sigh........................... I am doing a poor job communicating. I apologize.
Okay, you were using the "after the last resort technique" (which is basically dropping off the planet) for two months, b/c there was some other guy in the picture, and everything you previously tried failed to change your WW's mind. Is this right, or have I confused you with someone else?
This is correct.
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So, did something change in the sitch to cause you to come out of darkness and initiate a call to your wayward W and invite her out? If not, then you set yourself up for failure. Why would you wine, dine, talk for four hours, and have sex......if there has been no changes? That's what I'm not understanding.
The only thing that changed was that, unbeknownst to me at the time, the OM was now out of the picture.
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Pursuing a WW is showing her that you are eager to spend time with her. Then after a wonderful night of having sex, you were very eager to repeat that experience. And, being true to her wayward nature, she wasn't on the same page with you. Has that little fact slowed you down? Apparently not.
You’re right. I’m not thinking clearly, and that’s why I’m here.
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You were eager to know what to do or say, if she contacted you to ask you to dinner. Not sure why you thought she would, but never-the-less, I gave a couple of examples and tried to explain what may happen. However, you have missed the point.....or I failed to make it clear enough.
It now appears, to me, that all you were really wanting is a short script to follow, should she call. Then I find out you are wanting to know if you get to go out with her ...... will it be okay to be intimate with her again. Am I assuming it does not matter to you that NOTHING has changed for her???? Are you willing to put your health at risk, without requiring that she is tested for STD, since she has had sex with OM?
I don’t believe she had sex with OM. It was an EA. The OM lives 1000 miles away.
I know that nothing has changed for her as of right now. But my question about having dinner and being intimate with her was in the context of a future meeting where she would be pursuing me (i.e., she’d ask me to dinner, I’d decline; she’d ask me to dinner a second time, and then I would accept). Does the fact that she has to pursue me (in this hypothetical future scenario) change anything for her?
The only thing that changed was that, unbeknownst to me at the time, the OM was now out of the picture.
How did you find out he was out of the picture? Was it before you broke your "dark" status and asked her out the first time?
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I don’t believe she had sex with OM. It was an EA. The OM lives 1000 miles away.
I hope you are right.
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I know that nothing has changed for her as of right now. But my question about having dinner and being intimate with her was in the context of a future meeting where she would be pursuing me (i.e., she’d ask me to dinner, I’d decline; she’d ask me to dinner a second time, and then I would accept). Does the fact that she has to pursue me (in this hypothetical future scenario) change anything for her?
You are like a bulldog hanging on to that little piece!
Okay, here I go again, and may not do much better communicating the important things you need to consider. Somewhere in the WW threads, I explain more fully the mindset of the WW and how she will react to pursuit or eagerness from her LBH.
Here's the problem, and why I don't think you are fully hearing everything I'm say. Forget for a minute about how many times she should initiate contact, etc. I am sensing an urgency in you, about the possible future interaction with your W that could come. Your feelings are not wrong, but I'm concerned they are causing you to want to hurry this along. I realize this has been going on for months, and you have needs. However, if you want your W back full time, then you've got to play it cool.
Do you know for certain there is absolutely no communication between her and OM? Was that a signal to you to contact her and ask her out? EA's are hard to get over and it's even harder for her to change how she feels about you. She doesn't have a romantic interest in you, at the moment, even though she had sex with you that night.
Even if she was slowly getting over OM, your first date together went way overboard. I think she saw you were eager to resume the relationship and afterwards, she realized she just wasn't there yet. She basically rejected you again. So, that is your clue to back all the way off. If she gets the notion to call or text, I would ignore it. That's going to send her the message that you aren't so eager to have your heart cut out again.
Now, I can go on & on with scenarios, telling you to wait so many times before you respond, but I think that's where I made the mistake in my first post to you on this subject. You are not looking at the over-all picture, and like a lot of H's, you don't fully understand why your WW is not ready to resume the MR......especially, after having that first incredible date.
Back to your question of does the fact she has to pursue you change anything for her. My answer is, yes it does. You should never pursue a woman who isn't interested in you, and rejects you right after having an intimate date. That goes triple, when the woman is your WW. Many WW's aren't interested in resuming a sexual relationship until she is completely over any affair withdrawals. B/c her "feelings" are not back to normal, so to speak. It's a process for her. Now, if she remains in her wayward mindset (which is very possible) she may have a mood where she wants to just see what you'll say/do if she sent a little text saying, "Hope you are having a good day"..........(just an example). Does that mean she wants to go out again? Who knows? But I can tell you that she isn't at the point of being romantically serious with you. She may get lonely and simply want a pal to talk to that evening. If you okay being just friends, then respond. Just remember, friends don't have sex together. Most H's don't want to settle for just friendship, but if that's fine by you......that's your choice.
I think being dark a couple of months, may have helped her miss you. Then after the date, her feelings were as fickle as ever.
It's up to you if you want to engage in the craziness, but she won't get serious until she thinks you are done with her. Yes, it matters that she has to pursue you. However, understand what I'm saying. She can play games pursuing you, just temperature checking your attachment & interest level. That's not the same as "working" to get you back as her H in an intimate MR.
That's the crazy thing about WW's. Their interest sparks when they believe the LBH's level of interest drops considerable. That's why you'll often read stories of the back & forth "dance" played out. He pulls back, she draws near. He steps forward, and she pulls back. It wasn't difficult for her to see your level of interest during that first dinner date. So now, she has not only pulled away, but put it in writing.
Well, here I go saying too much again. If I have not answered your questions, let me know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm still here, but at this point, I'm kind of over it. I don't know what this means for me, or for my marriage/divorce.
So we share custody of our dogs; I have the dogs during the week, and she gets them during the weekends. Every Friday evening, she comes by to pick up the dogs. When she's here, we usually talk a bit, but nothing serious. Just pleasant chit-chat, and certainly nothing about the divorce or the relationship.
Two weekends ago, she texted me a picture of the dogs in her apartment. I just responded with one word, "Cuties." To be clear, the picture was of the two dogs, and she was not in the picture herself. So the "cuties" response was clearly aimed at how cute the dogs were, and not at her at all.
Last weekend, when she was here to pick up the dogs, she asked if I wanted to go on a walk with the dogs. I agreed, and we walked the dogs together (something we haven't done together in 8 months). During the walk, we both talked and had a good time. Everything seemed relaxed and normal-ish (as normal as could be expected, given the circumstances). I was generous with my conversation, and so was she.
When we got back to the house after our walk, she noticed that the bottle of water additive that I give to the dogs (for their oral health) was on the counter, and the bottle was leaking a bit. I told her I'm always having to clean it up, but it's no use because it just leaks again the next day. And so later that night, after she had gone with the dogs, she sent me a text saying something about how her bottle of water additive also leaks, and that I should keep the bottle in a plastic cup like she does, so that it won't get on the counter. I simply responded with "Ok thanks."
I don't know what any of this means, but like I said before, I'm kind of over it. I know that I probably should not have responded to the text of the picture of the dogs; and I probably should not have gone on the walk. But at this point, I just don't have the energy to deal with this anymore. I'm *so* emotionally drained after almost 9 months of this, that it almost doesn't even matter anymore. I'm kind of just.....*resigned* to whatever happens. I'm not pursuing her anymore in the sense that I'm not initiating *anything* with her. Yes, I respond when she initiates, but only then.
I thought that's not how it works... giving an ultimatum / choice like that.
Either you still have hope and patience, then focus on yourself and no contact until WW comes back with remorse and wanting to R. Or you are truly ready to move on, then you just tell WW that it's time to move on.
It's not an ultimatum when something isn't working for you anymore. You communicate in a loving way that you would like to work on the marriage together but if not you are moving on with your life.
An ultimatum comes from a place of fear where choosing to end a marriage that isn't working from you comes from a place of love for yourself.
I am doing a poor job communicating. I apologize.