The other thing I forgot to mention, the next two months or so are going to be a tough period for me.
We had met at our college's version of Homecoming, which would have been happening this weekend. Our first date was about eight years ago. We also got in a huge fight a year ago on our way to the Homecoming event which feels in hindsight like the straw that broke the camel's back, given the BD a month later and the S a month after that. We also got married in May, so yeah, the April-May-June stretch is tough mentally.
Steve ~ I wonder if any of the vets here have advice about whether you should engage in the 20-30 conversations when you run into each other.
I'm not a big fan of the "friend zone" or "Plan B" concept, but I wonder if these conversations are really serving you well. I could be wrong but I get the sense from your posts that you give her all the time and space in the world, and when you do run into each other, you are quite friendly and trying to DB, but you have a *goal* in mind. I completely understand because these are your rare opportunities to feel things out and test the waters, but maybe an experiment to try next time would be to just say "Hey I'm busy gotta run, good to see you" or something like that?
Just throwing ideas out there, I have no idea what is the right thing to do.
April-May-June is tough for me too. Hang in there.
You’re in a tough spot. I think it hurts your detachment so you should avoid her as much as possible. Your definitely in the FZ and I don’t see you getting out anytime soon.
You’re in a tough spot. I think it hurts your detachment so you should avoid her as much as possible. Your definitely in the FZ and I don’t see you getting out anytime soon.
Fair enough, and to be clear, I'm not intentionally running into her.
I do recall her asking me a while back what I would do if we were to ever split. I can't remember the context, but I told her that I'd be devastated and that I don't think that we could be friends, because seeing her would represent such heartache. Maybe she's testing that, I don't know.
I do think it's a good thing that she's reminded that I can still make her laugh, and that we have a natural chemistry. The corollary being I don't think it's a positive thing for her to have negative feelings about me, as an example. But I understand and buy the logic that a lot of what's happening right now might be reinforcing the idea to her that we could have a relationship on a friend level.
I do recall her asking me a while back what I would do if we were to ever split. I can't remember the context, but I told her that I'd be devastated and that I don't think that we could be friends, because seeing her would represent such heartache. Maybe she's testing that, I don't know.
My guess is she knows even today you would come right back as soon as she offered the opportunity.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I do think it's a good thing that she's reminded that I can still make her laugh, and that we have a natural chemistry. The corollary being I don't think it's a positive thing for her to have negative feelings about me, as an example. But I understand and buy the logic that a lot of what's happening right now might be reinforcing the idea to her that we could have a relationship on a friend level.
I know LH can be blunt and I drive him nuts with my NGS/anxious waffling but I vigorously agree with him 100%. I think you need to focus on your detachment and cut these conversations short, even if you have to force yourself and it feels fake. Or just tell yourself it's an experiment.
You aren't going to prove to her that you have chemistry through these interactions. You are likely going to prove to her that you are doing okay (not devastated and heartbroken) and completely okay being in the FZ, leaving her guilt-free to continue as-is. And it will be even harder for you to grow and move towards the detachment you need.
I do recall her asking me a while back what I would do if we were to ever split. I can't remember the context, but I told her that I'd be devastated and that I don't think that we could be friends, because seeing her would represent such heartache.
Ok Steve you have some homework to do.
My response would be “You would never leave me baby because you would miss me too much”.
Now compare that to your response and tell me which one builds attraction and which one is weak?
Keep in mind this is something I learned over time and now comes natural to me.
Just wanted to post a quick update. Difficult day emotionally/mentally yesterday as it is/was our anniversary. The next month or so is quite a stretch - April/May/June is when we wet, when we got married, when the BD and S happened, and her birthday all in a row.
All in all, I've been doing better. I've been working with a different IC and really doing some tough work regarding my fears of abandonment and addressing trauma from my childhood. For once in my life, I feel really confident that whatever relationship I'm in next will be very different as I've done a LOT of hard and sometimes painful work to understand how I contributed to my sitch.
As far as WAW and I, pretty much the same. We talk about every other week, usually under the pretense of something logistical, and it ends up being a hourlong conversation or so catching up on our lives, mostly more her talking and me validating and listening. It's all nice, but I'm careful not to let myself into the trap that those conversations are leading towards anything.
My personal game plan generally remains unchanged as well: focus on my business and my self-improvement, and do not try to control things I cannot control. She has made no movement towards D or legal separation, and I refuse to do so until the day I wake up and realize that is what I want. Until then, I focus on myself and what I need to do be the best version of myself I can be.
We talk about every other week, usually under the pretense of something logistical, and it ends up being a hourlong conversation
I'm curious why you're having these hour-long conversations.
You say you aren't fooling yourself into believing they lead back towards a romantic relationship. Okay. Is your idea that you enjoy having her as a buddy? Is that a relationship that would work for you even if/when she looks elsewhere for a romantic connection? Just trying to understand where your head's at.
Originally Posted by SteveS
She has made no movement towards D or legal separation, and I refuse to do so until the day I wake up and realize that is what I want.
Makes sense. You don't want D, and delaying D maximizes her options.
You have to be your own man but I would reconsider the every other week check in.
Who is calling who in this scenario?
She is. She reaches out to me, saying she wants to talk about finances, our budget, what we should do about our stocks, and so on.
They're not scheduled check-ins by any means. It's just sort of a regular cadence in which she gets anxious about something and wants to talk about it.
To answer CW's question, I enjoy the non-topical conversation because I still very much enjoy her as a person -- she makes me laugh and I enjoy the insight into her life, and I do think she shares that information with me because she recognizes my understanding of her. I don't feel the conversation is forced by any means, and I generally view it as a way to validate and to listen. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want to reconcile, so in some sense I feel that listening and validation opportunity is a valuable one to use to my advantage.
