The only difficulty comes in following through on the ultimatum if they chose the other person. But you simply cannot back down and preserve your dignity. That's why, I held firm.
Spiral - We are in the exact situation played out in 2 different ways - you moved forward with the ultimatum knowing that you had a short time to utilize the connection you had - and she left - but seems like she is sniffing around with interest.
On the other hand, I did not issue an ultimatum, my WAH is here with me - in a diabetic comatose after eating so much cake - he is with the OW and here in the house with his family and we are going on about 2 months or so. So painful.
So, at my expense, just wanted to point out to others what path you should take - even though everything about you might be saying otherwise. All of this is just a really hard spot for anyone to be in.
My WAH does not like change, and he would internally prefer that I make this decision for him, so he can say he was kicked out vs leaving his family. Who knows? They lie.all.the.time.
Spiral, keep posting, I have my personal posts out there if your interested to read where I am at - I would actually appreciate your input and I not going to hijack your personal thread. It sounds like our timelines are the same, but with different trajectories. I do want to know how things are progressing for you - I hope this works out for you and your w - in the way you want it to. Though I would like to just SHOUT that we did not deserve this awfulness and betrayal.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I don't think that she's sniffing around with interest. In our situations, we jump at the chance to see positive signs at the smallest gestures. But the truth of the matter is that there are numerous other reasons why she keeps coming around. These days, the kids spend the majority of the time at the house, so it could be that she wants to be around them. It could be that she has strategic reasons for sticking around the house because she's planning to move forward with a D. It could be a dozen other things. And it almost certainly isn't a genuine interest in me.
She does feel guilty about things. She repeatedly walks into the room where I work and stares at me with some sort of sadness. She'll tell me that I am a good man. She even told me she loved me a few days ago. But I just say "Ok" and ignore it. Some of the vets have said that guilt is worthless and remorse is everything. I'm beginning to understand that. Her guilt doesn't make me feel any different and her saying nice things doesn't change anything. And no matter how guilty she feels or what little things she does, she keeps pulling away from me and closer to him. Slowly, but surely her things are disappearing from around the house. I've never mentioned it because it doesn't make a lot of sense to fight over small possessions and because she's only taking those things that are personal to her like clothes, jewelry, decorative items, etc. Plus, I never see her do it since we're rarely in the same room and I try to stay away from her.
She seems to have rushed headlong into her new life and has left her old life and her old responsibilities far behind. It's hard for me to get my head around the whole thing because things seemed to be going so well, even during the last few months before it happened (although, in retrospect, she was probably overcompensating for the affair or trying to decide who was Plan A and who was Plan B). We were making all sorts of plans for the future, for vacations, and she was talking about us being together for the rest of our lives. However, it doesn't surprise me that she would run away from her problems or look to someone else to solve those problems. She's run away before and she almost always turned to me to solve her problems. Looking back, that was a much bigger problem than I understood. Heck, I still don't understand why this happened. But it sure doesn't matter cause it happened and I've got to live with it.
Now, she's completely moved on and relegated me to the past. If she's having any doubts or second thoughts, I can't tell. So, I'm focusing on DBing and trying to do the same. The great thing about doing nothing is how peaceful it is. I read about other people's situations and there's so many hurtful words and actions. Mine is very quiet and she knows not to bring up the OM or the relationship. Boundaries are great. I bet detachment is too, but I still haven't found any of that. I think just seeing her now and then each day is enough to keep me attached.
I'm considering telling her that I never want to see her in person again. But the last time I said that, she flipped out and that was before I stopped texting, calling, and talking with her. Of course, the fact I went dark on all of my ex-girlfriends was of great solace to her.
Otherwise, things are going great here and I still recommend kicking them out if you think they'll listen. It may drive them straight into the arms of the OM/OW, but it's great for you.
Some of the vets have said that guilt is worthless and remorse is everything. I'm beginning to understand that. Her guilt doesn't make me feel any different and her saying nice things doesn't change anything. And no matter how guilty she feels or what little things she does, she keeps pulling away from me and closer to him.
Spiral - Its impressive that you are able to DB so well amidst all the emotional pain that your feeling. I just want to give a nod to that, firstly. Your quote above about guilt is what I have also read from vets, its not what they are saying but what they are doing. I am forever hooked on seeing more into those little things than I should...and thats what keeps me in this spot spinning. Your not spinning, it seems. And your taking care of the kids? I am sorry if thats the case, its hard for me to hear that a mother would make that choice.
So similiar, my M was pretty good, sex life was great, nothing really rocky preceding all this in the last few months - of course the A was raging, though I did not know it. I am envious of the peace you have found in the quiet of your situation. I am front and center to un-ending drama - in that I can not win in any situation.
Your in a good a spot Spiral - I know you mean well saying kicking them out would drive him to the OW - and that really hurts to read - but I hear you. Keep posting, appreciate all your insight that you share on your journey.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
No, we share the children equally. But she's been spending a lot of her time with the kids at the house and a slowly growing amount of time at OM's place as she feathers the nest. For some reason, she wants her family, friends, and children to think that she decided to leave me first, then started dating OM, and then moved into OM's place a few months later. I don't know if anyone believes the story, but she's pretty dedicated to it. I haven't said anything about the situation to anyone or felt the need to challenge her story. Since it means the kids spend more time with me I haven't complained, but I am sure that she wants to get to the point where the kids are with her at OM's half of the time. Time will tell how he feels about having three kids around. Of course, I bet she'll probably start intruding on my half of the time with the kids one day. Or maybe she'll savor the alone time with OM. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Well, I am not optimistic about my chances of reconciliation. Turns out that she's already filed for divorce and that she's engaged to marry OM. I think I took the news like a champ. I told her that I would not stand in her way and said that I hoped she'd find happiness with the path she chose. I did not cry, yell, or scream. In fact, she did the crying, not me. I really like to keep my chin up and control of my emotions in front of others.
It is looking increasingly likely that I will be divorced long before things fizzle out with the OM. I've read a lot about limbo, confusion, doubts and second thoughts. But I sure haven't seen any of that. This seems like an unstoppable train speeding to its destination. I think the rapid downward spiral makes it easier to accept and easier to DB. It really seems like my chances of reconciliation are pretty much zero. This is about as close to a complete and total rejection as I can imagine.
I wonder if I should let myself cry about this now. If there's ever a time when its appropriate for a man to cry, this seems like it.
There is nothing wrong with a grown man crying. Crying helps to relieve some of that stress and tension that you've been under.
As for your W marrying the OM, it's going to take some time for the euphoria of a new relationship to wear off and when it does, she's going to realize that nothing really has changed in her life except her bed partner. There will be bills to pay, house to clean, meals to prepare, etc. The routine won't change much at all. Also, the more time that they spend together, the more likelihood that they will begin to see all of their flaws and realize that the fantasyland isn't what it's cracked up to be. It may take a couple of years for this to happen...
Don't ever assume that everything is over. Anything can happen between now and the divorce date. However, I will suggest that you continue to live your life to the fullest, be kind and and patience w/yourself. Some day, if she decides to reconnect w/you and wants to reconcile...you will be the one to determine whether or not to try again. Who knows...you just might meet a very nice lady who is far more settled and mature and enjoys you for who you are and wants to spend her life w/you. It will then be your XW's loss.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tears are good. They help wash away the pain. I used to feel like there was a pool of them, just behind my eyebrows and every now and then they would spill out.
I was at the time a 52 year old professional man so not someone who you would imagine crying. My daughter told me that during the time after bomb-day that it was the first time she'd ever heard me cry.
So - if you feel you need to let it out, it can do you a lot of good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
