Nothing Left To Try

[BobP]

Spiral,

I'm real sorry to read this. You did take the news like a champ and demonstrated poise and class under difficult circumstances. You've conducted yourself like a man throughout all of this, letting it be known you were never going to compromise your integrity and your self-respect.

Nothing wrong with a good cry every now and then during times like this, in fact I have one scheduled for later today while on a hike in the woods while far from others.

[BlueSea]

Spiral -
Your w is having some serious issues to jump from a marriage and right into another one so quickly. That is just bizarre behavior that anyone can see around her. Hopefully she has someone in her family that is counseling her on how rash this is.

Regardless, I know that this is devastating for you - I can only imagine. I am so sorry that this has unfolded in such a harsh way. I don't understand how someone who loved us so dearly at one time can be so cruel now. I hope that karma bites them in the a@@ - and they get theirs in their next round. Just know that the following marriage has a pretty low chance of survival statistically speaking.

[Traveler]

Well, I am not optimistic about my chances of reconciliation. Turns out that she's already filed for divorce and that she's engaged to marry OM.

Most relationships fail--and theirs started with dishonesty. Your shot will likely come when she sees the reality of day-to-day life together and less time with the kids, or the once convenient relationship runs its course. By then you may have decided not to retry with a cheater, when there are many great women out there.

I do wonder what drove the speedy engagement--e.g., the affair has been ongoing longer than you realized, or your ex is afraid to be alone. Great job staying strong! Don't be afraid to cry alone.

[Spiral]

Well, I did not end up crying...or at least yet. By entering into the speedy engagement, OM is probably trying to draw a sharp contrast with me. She always felt that it took me too long to propose. She probably accepted because she got swept away by her emotions. That would not be out of character for her.

But I don't have any idea how long this has been going on. At the outset, I asked, but she refused to tell me. That was the last question I asked about it because it doesn't really matter to me. If we were reuniting, it might be useful to know more information. If we're not, I cannot see what good the information can do me. We're also at that point where I am the villain in her life story and I ruined everything. So, it seems wisest not to ask questions or discuss anything.

-Spiral

[Spiral]

Given the speed with which everything has gone downhill, I suppose I am doing pretty good. Still haven't had that cry yet and I don't think that I will. Doing nothing is actually pretty easy when you're no longer living together. I've stopped checking for texts and waiting for the phone to ring. I don't even think about checking. Of course, I still think about her and the entire situation all the time. And I'm very sad about it. I struggle with detachment. I've read the entire detachment thread repeatedly and I just cannot will myself to stop feeling things.

I'm getting the hang of validating her feelings when she tells me she's upset about something. I nod my head and say "I understand you are feeling upset about X." It definitely makes her feel better than when I used to ignore her feelings. It seems like another one of those too little, too late things though. But this is going to be an awesome life skill. I can tell that people love having their feelings validated.

She seems upset a lot these days, even more so than when we were living together (of course, she was faking it at the end and trying to be a perfect wife as a cover). But with DBing, I manage to stay out of her way when she's upset. Of course, I've figured out why she's upset. It's being here with me. I was thinking that maybe it wasn't so great living with OM, but that is probably just wishful thinking.

She mentioned OM's name the other day in front of me and I reminded her that his name was not to be spoken in my presence. I feel like this alpha male thing is doing nothing but paving the way to divorce. On the other hand, maybe some other woman will find it attractive and I can learn from my mistakes this go round.

Otherwise, DBing is very quiet and peaceful. It is definitely working for me. But as I approach the end of the third month of my sitch, there's no apparent progress on the R front and she seems 100% invested in her new relationship. Still, the reality of the situation is much easier to deal with than being afraid of her choosing the OM. And I am thankful that I am not in an IHS. That seems like the worst.

She's also begun making comments here and there about why she feel out of love. In short, she thinks that I did not pay enough attention to her and that I did not make her my highest priority until it was too late. She's itching to tell me this is all my fault if I ever give her the chance to do it.... or maybe she wants to explain why OM is so much better than me. At this point, I cannot see why I would subject myself to that.

Finally, I must confess that this housekeeping thing is a lot more work than I thought. On the nights when I don't have the kids with me, I have to catch up with my cleaning so the place doesn't look terrible.

[Traveler]

She mentioned OM's name the other day in front of me and I reminded her that his name was not to be spoken in my presence. I feel like this alpha male thing is doing nothing but paving the way to divorce. On the other hand, maybe some other woman will find it attractive and I can learn from my mistakes this go round.

Hi Spiral,

Well, she's already filed for divorce and is engaged to the OM. The way to divorce is well-paved. What 'alpha male' behaviors do you believe are working against you? I'd feel uncomfortable delivering that line, "X is not be to spoken in my presence." I'd probably tweak it to, "I won't listen to you talk about X."

[BlueSea]

HI Spiral - from one villain to another....ha,

I struggle with detachment. I've read the entire detachment thread repeatedly and I just cannot will myself to stop feeling things.

I struggle with this too. And then add that its supposed to be 'loving' detachment, and that makes it even so much more complicated. If you find anything that helps to explain the how, please share...and I will do the same.

I think its impressive that you tolerate your W going on and on about herself, just so selfish of her, really. I am on the other spectrum, I get nada from him - no talking or sharing. And that is tough for me. I miss having him to talk to.

And on the opposite spectrum, H will not share anything about the OW. I would not want to hear about that anyway. It would really hurt to have the OW name spoken, so I agree that you made a valid request. I refer to her as 'it'. Its amazing the awful things they say!

Its good that this situation works for you, ie, her out of the house. I am fearful of that and for me this route (H in the house) works better for me. No judgement either way.

Can I ask how your kids are doing? And how you are handling that side? is the custody a friendly arrangement between you two? This is completely selfish on my part, to understand more, so I can put fear aside.

Cleaning? Always a thing. LOL! I clean and meditate. Repeat

[Spiral]

CW,

Thanks for the reality check. The only "alpha male" behavior working against me was the initial decision to make her chose and ask her to move out. She chose him and jumped head first into her new life. Then, she was gone. Nothing else has really happened in my world. She's just gone. Completely gone. And I'm just here living my life. The only things going on in my sitch are the things going on in my head. I decided to give her all the time and space she wanted and she grabbed it and ran.

Thanks for the line. I'll use that one instead if it comes up again. But we really don't talk about these things. Sometimes she'll say one sentence on the way out the door and sometimes I'll validate that sentence. Sometimes I'll ignore it. I don't think it means anything and it is certainly never a discussion. It's just a comment she makes with the intent of making sure I heard what she said and making sure that I don't have an opportunity to actually respond.

From all outward appearances, she has completely distanced herself from me and has never looked back. She's never said anything to express second thoughts. And all actions point towards OM.

-Spiral

[Spiral]

BlueSea,

New name, eh? The kids seem to be doing well. OM is going on a full court press to set up a new kid friendly place, is spending tons of money on that, and is showering them with his time and attention (or so it seems). I've never asked my kids about how they are doing or what they're feeling. But they seem fine. The custody arrangement is entirely friendly for the moment and my place is still the kids' home base. I don't think that she wants to change that for the time being.

Frankly, everything with her is a friendly arrangement. We weren't fighting in the days leading up to discovery and we haven't started fighting since discovery. Everything is completely cordial. And if you saw us interact, you'd probably assume that we were happily married.

-Spiral

[BlueSea]

Spiral -

The OM is spending tons of money on the place for the kids? This is also bizarre behavior (to me). No offense but I would think to another man that someone else's kids are extra baggage. Does he have some of his own? maybe that would make it more plausible - that he is trying to blend in the kids with his.

And you were not fighting leading up to it - and not fighting since. I have to tell you Spiral, I just can not get my head around your situation. It boggles my mind.

Keep posting. And don't regret anything you did. Whatever you did, you felt was best at that time. I have learned alot in the past few months, and done alot of wrong things, but we are all figuring it out. No one can say they did it perfectly.

Yeah, I changed my name, why the heck did I use my H's pet name for me here? ugh. And abbreviated, its BS now. ugh. Didnt think that one thru either. lol.

Hang in there,