I feel bad that you had to see it. But it can be a positive if you use it fuel your detachment. I watched a guy jump off a scissor lift from 6 ft today at the venue. I felt the pain and my stomach dropped as I watched. Then I remembered the inner dialogue I had that created that feeling.
I'm not here to be the peanut gallery, though it would be fun. I did notice that you mentioned you've been dating during this separation but not seriously. You had the dating app years back. Your situation has parallels to many here. What were you searching for? What is she searching for? Validation, attention, true love, independence, success, ego boost?
And for newbies reading this I just want to say that there are never rules in a separation no matter what anyone says. Your W might have meant what she said in MC and she could have changed her mind since then. And yes the action is the action but you gotta focus on number one. If you find her actions too much you can just go dark and stop answering her calls. I know it's hard but you don't need to do anything about it right now. Stay strong my friend.
Thanks for the reply, O.
Yeah, I've been working on it a lot with my IC: it was about feeling wanted, feeling desired. It wasn't even that WAW wasn't displaying that during the M, it was an insecurity I've had all of my life and I wasn't addressing it. Obviously it backfired and did a lot of damage. I can't speak to WAW's mindset at all, but I'm sure an ego boost for her can't hurt right now.
Detachment for me is very, very hard, as I'm sure you know from following my sitch. I won't belabor the point, but growing up in the household I grew up in coupled with being adopted hardwired in some difficult hurdles to deal with. I have to remind myself that how great I've been feeling the past few weeks due to the work I've been doing with my IC are something to be celebrated even if tonight knocked me back a little bit.
I'm a bit mad that I brought this on myself - I should have known that she might have been on there. Other than that, I've been keeping it very dark: haven't responded to two texts she sent me a few days back, never visit her social media, never reach out to her first. It doesn't feel like it's helped me detach much, but I'm sure it has.
This is very tough. The logical side of me says that I need clarity, I need to understand where we're at - even if it's an answer I don't want to hear - if I'm ever going to be able to start to really heal. The emotional/DB side is saying you don't have to do anything, you need to work on yourself and let the chips fall where they fall. I'm about a year in since BD. I still love her and still want to work it out. Until the day that I don't, this is the road I'm on.
The logical side of me says that I need clarity, I need to understand where we're at - even if it's an answer I don't want to hear
Hi Steve, the logical side of you knows where you're at--your wife's on online dating sites exploring options, while continuing to chat with you, to preserve you as a backup plan and friend.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I had two stipulations: that I wouldn't be a Plan B.. "Look, that's a boundary, you're well within your right to say that you're not going to stay in this S if the other is out actively dating". Any insight? I still love her and still want to work it out. Until the day that I don't, this is the road I'm on.
It's up to you where your boundaries are. I believe I'd choose D in your shoes, because being married doesn't mean much if one of you is dating others, but we never know until we're there, huh?
I had a good talk with a friend last night, which was otherwise a pretty rough night. I relayed to her how good I've been feeling the last few weeks, thanks to the work I've been doing in IC and my belief that whatever's next for me relationship-wise will be so different. Her opinion was that given that something like finding WAW on Bumble was enough to completely throw me off that happiness and recovery, that's sign enough that the situation has crossed over into something that is damaging and actively holding me back, and therefore for my own good I need to address it.
Whether I ask the question or I don't, the answer probably doesn't change. But I also don't want to get D. Am I a fool for clinging on to whatever hope I have? I feel I know the answer: detach, focus on you, and if there is going to be some big change, it's going to have to come from a change of heart on her side, for which there is no timeline. It's just so hard for me to detach when I'm clinging on to hope.
Her opinion was that given that something like finding WAW on Bumble was enough to completely throw me off that happiness and recovery, that's sign enough that the situation has crossed over into something that is damaging and actively holding me back, and therefore for my own good I need to address it.
This is just your brain trying to get you to pursue so you can get some relief from the pain that your feeling.
Originally Posted by SteveS
Whether I ask the question or I don't, the answer probably doesn't change. But I also don't want to get D.
Steve you have to try to understand that you have no control over her choosing to D you.
Originally Posted by SteveS
Am I a fool for clinging on to whatever hope I have?
Hope is ok if it motivates you. Hope is not ok if it causes suffering.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I feel I know the answer: detach, focus on you, and if there is going to be some big change, it's going to have to come from a change of heart on her side, for which there is no timeline.
Yes
Originally Posted by SteveS
It's just so hard for me to detach when I'm clinging on to hope.
Yes it is, especially when your holding on with all your might.
Hope is ok if it motivates you. Hope is not ok if it causes suffering.
For the most part, it has been. But that doesn't mean getting knocked backward feels good. Doing the things I need to do to be a better me, I'd be lying if it said that wasn't at least partially motivated by the hope of a R.
I'm just grappling with my head around how much longer I can do this. When we separated (June 2019), I told myself the end of the year was my limit, because I was in too much pain. I blew right past that, because I just wasn't ready. And I'm still not. But I've simply got to learn to detach.
I'm just grappling with my head around how much longer I can do this. When we separated (June 2019), I told myself the end of the year was my limit, because I was in too much pain. I blew right past that, because I just wasn't ready. And I'm still not. But I've simply got to learn to detach.
How much longer you can do what? What's funny is that it was only when I "gave up" on my relationship that I doubled down on fixing my problems through IC, GAL, and No Contact. Giving up and moving on approximates DB'ing very well, especially for the case of someone with an OM.
I'm just grappling with my head around how much longer I can do this. When we separated (June 2019), I told myself the end of the year was my limit, because I was in too much pain. I blew right past that, because I just wasn't ready. And I'm still not. But I've simply got to learn to detach.
How much longer you can do what? What's funny is that it was only when I "gave up" on my relationship that I doubled down on fixing my problems through IC, GAL, and No Contact. Giving up and moving on approximates DB'ing very well, especially for the case of someone with an OM.
I was referring to holding out hope, because during the 95% of the time when hope is motivating to me, it's the extra kick in the pants I need to slog through tough IC sessions, stay up on my reading, and take care of myself. During the other 5%, it's a kick in the balls that makes me wonder if the other 95% is worth it.
For me, I don't think that holding on to hope means that I'm devoting any less focus to IC/GAL/NC, but I can absolutely buy the argument that it's not letting me detach.
Quick devil's advocate question. Are you holding on to hope or are you refusing to let go and drop the frayed strands you have left of the rope? Because it can be a fine line. That's where LH's statement of motivation vs. suffering lies. In that line.
I'm just grappling with my head around how much longer I can do this. When we separated (June 2019), I told myself the end of the year was my limit, because I was in too much pain. I blew right past that, because I just wasn't ready. And I'm still not. But I've simply got to learn to detach.
How much longer you can do what? What's funny is that it was only when I "gave up" on my relationship that I doubled down on fixing my problems through IC, GAL, and No Contact. Giving up and moving on approximates DB'ing very well, especially for the case of someone with an OM.
I was referring to holding out hope, because during the 95% of the time when hope is motivating to me, it's the extra kick in the pants I need to slog through tough IC sessions, stay up on my reading, and take care of myself. During the other 5%, it's a kick in the balls that makes me wonder if the other 95% is worth it.
For me, I don't think that holding on to hope means that I'm devoting any less focus to IC/GAL/NC, but I can absolutely buy the argument that it's not letting me detach.
I am a big hope guy. It is is one of the big three found in I Corinthians 13: faith, hope and love.
Here is the thing, hope doesn't have to be a counter motivator to doing what you need to do. It is kind of like if a loved one suffers a debilitating illness or injury, you hope they fully recover someday. But that doesn't mean that you don't prepare for their current condition. Putting in a wheelchair ramp at the house, getting a vehicle that can transport them and their chair, etc. The whole time you still have hope that one day they'll fully heal and recover.
I've seen other people say it is impossible to detach AND still have hope. I don't agree with that. I think people confuse hope with expectations. Surely expectations are a detriment to detachment, but you can detach and still hold out hope that someday your WAS will come back to their sense. Just don't expect them to.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here is the thing, hope doesn't have to be a counter motivator to doing what you need to do. It is kind of like if a loved one suffers a debilitating illness or injury, you hope they fully recover someday. But that doesn't mean that you don't prepare for their current condition. Putting in a wheelchair ramp at the house, getting a vehicle that can transport them and their chair, etc. The whole time you still have hope that one day they'll fully heal and recover.
I like that analogy, it makes a lot of sense.
No point in lying to you guys - I caved to the hurt I was feeling and told WAW that I'd like to talk about where we're at. She responded and we're talking on Sunday. She wants to go over the paperwork for a legal separation, which she's consistently said is a blocker for her.
I made my bed I suppose, but I don't have to lie in it. I do want to be open and helpful w/r/t the legal separation because of our historical issues of working together on things (show a 180) and her literally saying that how we communicate and handle that process will tell her a lot. I know, I know - believe her actions, not words. But obviously I think so far as a larger discussion, I'll just punt and say that I changed my mind, and that we should focus on the things we need to take care of first.
