I really don't know much about OM and I don't snoop or inquire. But I don't think that he has any children.
My situation definitely boggles my mind too. It really seemed like things were going well before the discovery and she always said that I was her best friend, which is why I felt so comfortable with the ultimatum. Heck, we were still going out on frequent dates together, taking romantic trips, and exchanging gifts. But, obviously, I misjudged the situation and things were going on behind my back. Now, she says that she's no longer attracted to me.
She's still slowly moving everything that belongs to her over to OM's house. Of all the things in my sitch, you wouldn't think that I'd get worked up about her moving her things out. Still, it does bother me. I never see her moving anything, but I walk by and I notice that something's gone. Every time something leaves, I feel like crying for a few moments until the feeling subsides. I suppose that's because I steel myself before my interactions with her and am holding my emotions in check in her presence. Or maybe it's because I am on a timeline drawing closer to divorce with each passing day and it underscores the fact that all signs still point toward that outcome.
Yesterday, however, she did mention that she wants to do things together with the kids. I resisted the urge to tell her that was ridiculous, but it is. And she's starting to spend more time hanging around the house when I have the kids. I don't think she likes to be at OM's house when he's gone.
Life isn't entirely different when you're separated. In fact, a lot more things stay the same than you initially realize. You've just got to pick yourself up and start moving again. Once you do, it's not so bad. And you do get used to being alone and to your spouse being gone. It's definitely better than I thought it was going to be and it's easier to handle. Of course, I thought it was going to be absolutely terrible. It isn't.
It does stink though. There's not a lot of joy when you're stuck at home, the kids are with her and the OM, and you're bored. It does seem to get better every day, so there will probably be some actual joy on the other side of this. I'm just marching toward better days. And I have plans on rebuilding my life without her.
Even though she isn't around much, my spouse has taken notice of my positive mental attitude, how well I'm taking care of the house without her, and how I am tackling long deferred projects. So, for those of you wondering if your spouse will notice your changes if you're separated, they will eventually. You just have to wait for them to notice. Still, it doesn't seem to have had any impact on my sitch. Not that I was expecting it to. That's what the book said might happen and I'm sure she expected me to pick myself up quickly.
Of course, my sitch really doesn't have that much to do with me. She fell madly in love with someone else and left everything behind to see what life with him would be like. There never was anything I could do or say to counter that type of thinking. I just had to let her go and wish her the best of luck. For the moment, she seems very happy.
It's been more than three months since I told her to leave unless she was 100% committed to me. I don't regret it one bit. I'm sure I'd do the same thing ten times out of ten. But my problem really isn't letting her go, it's accepting how easy it was for her to let me go. I thought she loved me and she'd have a hard time letting me go. That's why I went with the ultimatum and no contact.
I seem to be making a bit of progress on the detachment front. When I saw her today, I didn't feel that magnetic pull toward her that I always used to feel. She seems more and more like an ordinary person with each passing day. But I don't want to overstate the point, I still need to make a lot of progress on the detachment front and I'm definitely still attached.
However, here are some things that have helped me detach. First, minimal contact has been a spectacular help for me on all fronts. I don't know where I'd be if I were in an IHS. I also don't know where I'd be if she weren't living with OM and already engaged. It probably would be a lot harder to resist the urge to reach out. Under the circumstances, it's easy to resist. Second, it helps that she's taking all of her possessions over to the OM's house. That means there's less and less around the house to remind me of her.
She's noticed that I never reach out to her. Yesterday, she told me that I should text her about the kids from time to time. I looked at her blankly and said okay. But it isn't going to happen and she knows it. I'm definitely going to come out of this sitch with my pride intact. I'm probably going to be divorced at Christmas though. I'm thinking of asking for the kids for Thanksgiving week in even years and Christmas week in odd years. I don't want to share the days.
I wish I could stop her from coming into the house and making herself at home when she picks up the kids. I am sure that it makes it easier for her to deal with leaving. But the law doesn't let me do that. At the moment, I just spend my time in another room. Of course, she comes into my room from time to time, stares at me, and starts talking to me. I suspect she feels guilty or nostalgic, neither of which mean anything.
I wonder why it doesn't bother the OM that she spends so much time at the house with me after she drops off the kids. If I were in a relationship with a cheater, it would definitely concern me. But I'm not in a relationship with a cheater anymore.
Kids are home tonight. Things are good. We'll see about tomorrow though. I need to learn how to thrive when the kids aren't home. Right now, all I do is stay busy and get everything ready for them to come back. It helps take my mind off things, but I need to learn how to enjoy my alone time.
Stay strong buddy. You are doing extremely well, waaaay better than I was doing at your timeline. The darkest time for me was about 6 months in.
Read about stages of grief. I was reading that you were not crying. I would dare to say that you are still in shock and the reality of situationhas not set in yet. It wil. Nothing wrong with that. You will probably find that the anger inside you will start to build up. That is perfectly normal as well. You have to let the anger out. Hiking in the mountains did wonders for me when I was in this situation and my life was in turmoil.
This is the time to improve yourself and grow into the best version of youself you can be. You have been given time to work on yourself and it is an incredible gift.
Wondering about OM and what is going on in your W's mind is utterly pointles. I can pretty much guarantee you that not even she knows what she wants let alone what she thinks.
Focus on the kids and be the best dad possible. Be their rock, they will need you. I think you might see your W's life dissintegrate and you will not be able to do anything about it. It will be breaking your heart and angering you at the same time.
Do not be upset with yourself.
Stay strong buddy, you are not alone, all of us on these boards have gone through the same things you are going through.
The advice is greatly appreciated! There was definitely crying in March when I broke NC and she responded to me with stone and ice. There just hasn't been much crying in May, even after she got engaged and filed for divorce. Right now, I am exercising like a mad man, working, and taking care of the house and the kids. It keeps me very busy and that helps with things.
The nights with the kids are great. People always talk about losing half of your time with the kids, but that's another one of those things that's all in your head. Even now, the kids are getting more love and attention from me and it is because they are gone 50% of the time. I take care of everything when they're gone and focus on them when they are here. So, we're both getting a richer and deeper relationship with one another as a result of this mess.
The nights without the kids are tougher, but a full on workout is good for two or three hours of positive mental attitude. Intense cleaning is good for a few more. And the background music definitely helps.
I am making solid progress on most fronts, but detachment is tough. If my WW would leave me alone, detachment would be going better. But she doesn't and always wants to have sweet little interactions when she stops by. I suspect that she wants to keep me very much attached. And boy does she say ridiculous things. If you overheard the one liners she regularly delivers and saw how often she reaches out to hug me, you'd think that she was the LBS and that I'd walked away. I just don't bother posting about what she says cause the vets warned me that they mean absolutely nothing. And the vets are right. Every night, she goes home to OM's house and that's the only sign that matters. It is not a good one and I do not ignore it.
There's little else to report. I am still drawing closer to the big D every day, but it doesn't matter and I don't expect anything different. I am not afraid of any legal proceedings surrounding the big D and I will embrace the big D when it comes. We're all afraid of something and our fears drive our decisions. But I am afraid that she's having an intimate relationship with OM and that she's fallen in love with OM. I am not afraid of anything else. And my fears have come true and I am facing them. It is plenty difficult to deal with and it hurts, but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It will take plenty of time to overcome, but everything is getting better day by day. All I need to do is wait for the pain to go away and I am a patient man.
I also understand the significance of momentum, particularly when dealing with a cheating spouse. Today, our sitchs are likely to stay exactly the same. It is not in the cheater's nature to put in the hard work needed to salvage a relationship or to cast aside a romantic relationship. Cheaters have a history of lying, of doing things behind people's backs, and of trying to have their cake and eat it too. Expecting them to operate differently, to take the courageous action of coming home to rebuild a relationship they destroyed, and to give up the other person is pointless. They chose not to do any of those things before they started cheating. So, why would we expect them to do that now and to come home?
I follow your thread, Spiral - seems we are doing exactly the opposite - so I keep checking in to see how you are. You do seem to be doing well. And handling this very even-keeled.
I am not sure why your W keeps torturing you and keeping you on the hook. I am sure it takes alot of personal fortitude to keep yourself in check. She see's that and is attracted. Clearly, she is trying to hold you on the hook, both cruel and strategic (in such a lame way). I think that is a shared trait with cheating spouses - cruel and strategic.
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It will take plenty of time to overcome, but everything is getting better day by day.
I am seeing the same too. Time is our ally and will drag us across the threshold to healing, someday. I just wish it would happen sooner is all.
Hang in there Spiral, always impressed by how your handling your situation. Blue
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
