Newlywed and in limbo

[funbun]

I guess it's time for an update.

After one month of NC, W texted me earlier this week to inform me that her uncle passed away. I knew the man only for a short time but he was kind to me and made me feel like a part of the family when I was feeling lonely and rejected by W. The news was hard on me. I felt that I had to break NC and ask for a more detail. Our conversation was centred on the uncle and his passing. I managed to kept the texting brief because after a while I was sensing she's becoming disinterested and giving short replies. That was my cue to stop.

They held the funeral a few days ago. "Close family only, social distancing (Covid-19) measures" my W explained to me. I wasn't invited. I wish I could go, but I understand why I shouldn't. It doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Still waiting for the court date. Might take months depending on when this pandemic clears.

In the meantime, I'll focus on healing (allowing myself to grieve and being kind to myself) and focus on being a better man.

I truly believe that I'll be fine no matter the outcome.

Yes, I do backslide from time to time from sadness and anxiety. It's part of the process. As long as I know to pick myself up, I'll be alright.

Acceptance and letting go; keeping my options open. That means being okay with D but also at the same time having some hope that W will come back. The way back home is there if she ever decides to take it.

It's fasting season for us Muslims around the world. It's a good time for spiritual self-reflection and repentance. I am looking forward to the peace that it might bring.

That's all for now, until then, stay safe.

[funbun]

Journaling

Writing from work. Finished all my tasked earlier than expected and I have some free time right now. I figured I should come visit here and give an update.

Seeing a lot more better days recently. Work is good (adequate amount of workload). Kept doing things that I enjoy and learning new things to make myself a better person. All is well.

I do get bouts of grieve, but it doesn't hit as hard anymore. Time is working its magic on me, I believe.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. Particularly on the parts of me that I think contributed to the breakdown of my relationship. I have identified that I have several anxiety issues and also fear of abandonment. Those issues explained a lot of my needy and controlling behaviour during my time with W. It took a lot of thinking, reading, and listening to talks, for me to come to this point of realization. A part of me feel glad that now that I know what my inner demons are, I can effectively battle them.

Don't get me wrong, I am not putting the blame wholly on myself for my sitch. I think W played an even major role than I did into the demise of my marriage (70:30 split I am guessing lol). I said before that she has intimacy issues and has difficulty with giving affection. You can argue that her intimacy issues were what created my anxiety, but I understand that it's not productive to put blame on her. I accept that we are responsible for our own actions only and I will work on myself going forwards.

I want to write more, but that all the time I have right now, I gotta go.

Stay safe DB peeps.

[Ready2Change]

You are growing. That is a good thing. Keep it up.

Everything happens for a reason. We all have issues that we need to address. We attract what we need into our life to help us. Fix it and you will attract healthier people into your life.

Why is this happening to me? What do I need to fix within myself?

[funbun]

Thanks R2C

You are growing. That is a good thing. Keep it up.

Everything happens for a reason. We all have issues that we need to address. We attract what we need into our life to help us. Fix it and you will attract healthier people into your life.

Why is this happening to me? What do I need to fix within myself?

In my readings, I learned that people that are attracted to an avoidant partner and stayed in such relationship often have intimacy issues of their own. We tolerate their distant and emotionally unavailable behaviour because we ourselves are afraid of someone getting close and we are comfortable with someone who kept their distance. I know that sound paradoxical, but it can be true. Why are we with this avoidant partner when we can be with someone warmer? Perhaps we too find that intimacy to be a terrifying thing, and someone who we can love at a distance, is more comfortable for us, despite craving for their attention.

"They are directly distant, while we are so by proxy"

I begin to realize that I tend to be emotionally closed-off around family and close friends. I am someone who doesn't open up easily and only does so to my partner. I am someone who does things to get attention but once I got it, I act like I don't care. I realize it's not intentional, it's second nature for me, and I do it without realizing. Some time in the past, perhaps in childhood, I developed an emotional wound that caused me to have underlying untrusting disposition towards others and decided to protect my sensitive heart. I realize that my path of healing involves tending to this emotional wound.

I can feel that my abandonment wound is bigger now thanks to W and I fear that I will become more emotionally distant. Actually, I feel I already am. Towards my family especially. I keep to myself more nowadays and act cold around them. I know they deserve better. I do not want to get hurt again, but also at the same time, I want to feel loved. I know I cannot get a loving fulfilling relationship with anyone with a closed off heart. I pray that I will find the courage to open my heart when needed.

[funbun]

I just did something difficult: I blocked W from my Social Media feed (she won't be notified of it, so she won't know)

Having a hard day today. I saw her at work from a distance, smiling with colleagues. Brought up a lot of bad feelings and I did everything I could to recover: read posts here, watch lectures on heartbreak, praying, etc.

Seeing her happy really did a number on me. Made me think about how perhaps she was right all along and I was in the wrong. After all, she is happier without me. Made me feel bad about being sad. I thought to myself, look how fast she moved on, and look at how lonely I am.

But these are self-defeating thoughts. She might look happy there, but who knows what goes on behind the scenes. Only she knows and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whose right or wrong. It doesn't matter if I am slow at recovering. I am taking things slow, I am healing at my own pace.

What matters is my own peace of mind. My own healing. My own happiness.

Blocking her from SM was something that I wanted to do for a while, but I wasn't strong enough. I was still attached in that sense and my anxiety wanted me to check in on how she's doing. I know it's not healthy if I want to move on. I know that I have to let that attachment go.

And I finally did.

It was hard. It might sound silly to some but you have to understand that by doing this, I won't be able to know how she is doing, I am cutting off another significant string of connection to her. Another part of the relationship that I have to cut. But hopefully this will bring a bit of peace to my mind down the road.

I am upset. I remember LH19 said something about when we lose control, fear creeps in and we desperately look for any sort of stability. Hence, the LBS tend to come up with reasons to go to their WAS for comfort, which they won't get. I guess this is what this feeling is. I am upset and scared and I have to look for something to comfort me that is not my W. I am hoping writing this will help calm me down.

[KitCat]

HUGS!!!!

That's a big step. It really shows you are truly focusing on what you need to recover. Its commendable. You have amazing thought process.

[SteveLW]

I am detecting that you want her to be unhappy. Do you love her? Love would demand that you what her to be happy, even if that means not being with you. I know that hurts, but try being happy that should looked happy.

Good job on the SM move. I am a hater of SM. To the point where I encourage LBS to get rid of it entirely. (And yes, I've heard all of the excuses for not doing that, but I haven't had SM in 11 years and some how I am very happy and fulfilled!). SM has a way of really keeping LBSs stuck. Most, without admitting it, use it to spy, even stalk, their WAS. If they were being honest with themselves, they'd admit that.

Even blocking her isn't perfect. You could always unblock her, even if only temporarily. Other people's feeds can cause your paths go cross. Etc. My advice? Stay away from SM as much as possible. Many people are addicted to it and can't admit that.

Also, congrats on coming here instead of to her. Now, you know what I am going to say, right? GET BUSY! The busy mind doesn't have time for all of this lover's lament crap. funbun, guess what, one day you won't even think about her. Hard to believe, isn't it? But it is true. I had a long on again off again relationship with a women years ago. In the midst of our break ups thoughts of her consumed almost every second of every day. Now there are months that go by where she never even crosses my mind. Look ahead......not back.

[funbun]

HUGS!!!!

That's a big step. It really shows you are truly focusing on what you need to recover. Its commendable. You have amazing thought process.

Thanks KC, sometime it's hard to know if I am doing the right thing or not.

I am detecting that you want her to be unhappy. Do you love her? Love would demand that you what her to be happy, even if that means not being with you. I know that hurts, but try being happy that should looked happy.

It does sound like that doesn't it. I guess that was the ego talking and getting hurt. I do love her. I do understand that ultimately, we are individuals looking for our own happiness. Sadly, she believes her happiness is not with me, and that's okay. It's sad, but it's okay. I will take time to find my own happiness. I plead God to guide me and I ask everyone here to guide me as well.

Good job on the SM move. I am a hater of SM. To the point where I encourage LBS to get rid of it entirely. (And yes, I've heard all of the excuses for not doing that, but I haven't had SM in 11 years and some how I am very happy and fulfilled!). SM has a way of really keeping LBSs stuck. Most, without admitting it, use it to spy, even stalk, their WAS. If they were being honest with themselves, they'd admit that.

Even blocking her isn't perfect. You could always unblock her, even if only temporarily. Other people's feeds can cause your paths go cross. Etc. My advice? Stay away from SM as much as possible. Many people are addicted to it and can't admit that.

I actually agree with you Steve on this one. SM can be poison sometimes. A place where people promote how good their life is while in reality it is not often the case behind the scenes. It's hard not to compare your life with theirs. When I see friends posting happy pictures spending time with their spouses and seeing all the cute baby pictures (God, I want to have children of my own too!). Made me think of what I don't have. But I know things aren't as rosy as what they are made to be.

Maybe one day, I will have the strength to let go of SM entirely. One step at a time.

[funbun]

A bit of an update of what's happening here.

The Muslims are celebrating Eid. That usually means a time to visit family and relatives (though limited nowadays because of the virus).

Eid is also a time of forgiveness. Traditionally family members would go to each other and ask for forgiveness for all their wrong doings. Even more so for spouses.

No word from W. I didn't expect much anyways. She did text my mother. Asking for forgiveness and how she's doing, etc. It's their relationship so I let them be.

I contemplated whether I should be the one to ask forgiveness first. Being the husband, there's is social expectation here of "the man should apologize first" and "to apologize first is an act of a noble man" kind of mentality. I decided not too. Not because out of bitterness, mind you. I think there is still a lot of hurt on her side and on mine. Apologizing now will feel forced and not honest. An apology should be asked when things are calmer and when the hurt is less. There is always next year.

I texted my parent-in-laws and gave them an Eid greeting out of respect.

Going to go out and visit relatives later. I haven't seen them since the wedding. Most of them do not know about my sitch. I'm sure they will notice W's absence and ask about her. Contemplated about not going entirely, but I think I will need this social interaction as a part of my GAL. If they ask for W, I'll just come up with an excuse or something.

[funbun]

Wedding photographer contacted us to inform the wedding photo album is ready for collection. I will meet up with him later in the day to get the album.

To be honest, I do not know if I want to keep the album. I paid good money for it so it would be a shame if I don't get at least one good look at it. But at the moment I do not want to keep it. Don't want to throw it away either; sentimental value.

I'll just keep it for a day and look at it once and then pass the album to W. She paid half of it after all. I'll let her know I can't keep it and it's up to her whether she wants to keep it or throw it away or burn it. Essentially, I am passing the burden of disposing the photo album to her. I don't think I have the heart to dispose of it myself.

My plan is to put the photo album on her desk at work with a note saying "I do not know what to do with the album. You can have it and you can do whatever you want with it".

Just wanna check if this is a good move on my part..?