Nothing Left To Try

[Spiral]

It all slipped away so suddenly and definitively. There's been such an immediate and powerful change in her attitude toward me. She's still moving full steam ahead towards a D. She seems very happy with her new life and her new freedom. I keep expecting her to miss me or at least express one moment's worth of doubt. But she never does. And I could take lessons from her on detachment.

Things around going well around the old homestead though. The kids are spending a lot more than 50% of their time here and I've figured out how to keep the place running without her help. Of course, it doesn't run quite as smoothly. But every day things are a little easier.

I don't enjoy it when I see her anymore. It hurts me to see her and it would be better for me if I didn't. I wonder if I should tell her that and ask her to leave me alone. I haven't spoken to her on the phone, emailed her, or texted her in several weeks, so it's the only time that we interact and we do have kids. Right now, I'm pretending to be just fine with my awesome new life. I think my act is persuasive and polished, but she's known me for twenty years and she probably knows I'm faking it. It has, however, fooled some of my friends.

-Sprial

[Vapo]

I keep expecting her to miss me or at least express one moment's worth of doubt. But she never does. And I could take lessons from her on detachment.
-Sprial

You have to drop all the expectations. And drop them ASAP. Haveng expectations is only ending up hurting you. Drop expectations and get on with your life.

[Spiral]

Vapo,

Thanks for the reminder. You're absolutely right. Of course, she showed up in my bedroom first thing in the morning, grabbed my hand, and said ILY. The one thing I am looking forward to about divorce is being able to change the locks. I wish I could do it now.

-Spiral

[ovrrnbw]

I would not tell her to leave you alone, just find a way to make it happen without cowering in fear or running. If the kids aren't there she has no reason to be there.

When you start to detach you will hear this

Of course, she showed up in my bedroom first thing in the morning, grabbed my hand, and said ILY.

and say "You sure have a strange way of showing it".

At the moment, I just spend my time in another room. Of course, she comes into my room from time to time, stares at me, and starts talking to me. I suspect she feels guilty or nostalgic, neither of which mean anything.

Lock the door.

I wonder why it doesn't bother the OM that she spends so much time at the house with me after she drops off the kids.

I would try to quit wondering about things like this. The truth is the you don't know if it bothers him or not. It might bother him, he might have 3 other women in the lineup, or a million other things can be true.

You seem really strong inside. Keep strengthening your emotions and mind. You are going to get through this just fine, I can tell.

[Spiral]

All's quiet and nothing new to report. I suppose that's a good thing. The quiet makes detachment easier.

-Spiral

[Spiral]

She suggested that we take a family vacation together this summer. Perhaps I should have asked everyone's opinion before I let her know my thoughts about the proposal. After all, this might be my last opportunity to take a vacation with her and with my children. If I don't accept, she and the OM will take the vacation with my children anyway. And I'll likely have to make a few posts to the board in search of emotional support if my kids are gone for an entire week.

But I gave her my answer right away and, of course, it was an unconditional never. Better start planning what I'm going to do with myself that week.

-Spiral

[neffer]

That was the right answer Spiral

Be strong. Keep GAL.

[ShaneG]

I'm very new to DBing, and not very good at detaching. But I'm also curious about how to balance detaching with my ultimate goal? It seems that Spiral's ultimate goal is for the wife to come back and rebuild the family. Family 2.0 but reusing all the original components... or am I missing something?

So now I'm curious at what point does one provide positive feedback to encourage desired actions. I'm not saying to respond with "love you too" or anything that forward. Obviously, don't want to pursue. Nevertheless, I also don't want my wife to ever think that I am now the one seeking/pursuing the divorce/separation. Accept it, yes. Get a life independent of her, certainly. Getting happy despite her being gone, to all outward appearances. But my goal is still ultimately reconciliation, because GAL alone is still a shadow of GAL with my WAS.

I guess I'm just thinking that if my WAS called tomorrow and said she would go with me to Michele's two-day intensive marriage coaching, wouldn't I say yes? (not that she knows anything about Michele or DB). The reason I'm using the last resort DB is because marriage coaching is not an option for my WAS. She says that she is done and this is not just another call for help. And I understand that asking for it, is pursuing. But if she starts to pursue, even a little, do I shut her down or simply play reluctant?

Not trying to hijack the thread, but just curious in Spiral's situation, because I will probably be there soon. If the wife is one that can't be alone and really just bounced from one man to the next, and now maybe having second thoughts about OM... well is there a point where you want her to know that the door is open? Let her bounce back and then get her to go with to marriage coaching?

It's just that sometimes I'm confused on DBing about where is the line between divorce busting versus moving-on.

[Vapo]

Shane,

welcome to the forum. There is nothing wrong with you having problem detaching. You are so so very new to this. Do not be hard on yourself.

No need for any kind of feedback from your side. You need to fix you first. Do not worry about her. You need to let her go. She has to find her own way, and you butting in will only make her resent you. I must reiterate, you CANNOT do anything to help her. Any interference will be viewed as meddling and controlling. BUTT OUT!

Stop worrying about her, you have your work cut out. And no, You do not need to move on, but it is imperative you move your a$$ forward. Do not get stuck. You have an enormous amount of healing to do. And growing. A lot of things will start to fall into place when you start moving forward.

You need to start enjoying being by yourself, as long as you pine for your EX, she has you on her hook. And as long as she know she has you on the hook, she will not turn back to you, as you are only her plan B. She HAS TO FEEL THE LOSS OF YOU! She has to see that you are not there for her. It sound counterintuitive, but you have to trust me on this.

[Mumin]

Working so will be short.

Spiral good on you for saying no!

Shane, use your own thread after this.
However this:

because GAL alone is still a shadow of GAL with my WAS.

Might not always be true.

Settle in where you are now, act as if.
GAL and work on yourself sas mucha as possible!