Together 23 years Married 19 years 2 boys, 17 and 15 She filed for divorce in February She left in April
Hello everyone, I am new here as you can probably tell. I have been reading some of the other threads and decided to post about my current situation. My wife filed for divorce in February. She was loving and caring right up to that point. Still showing affection, cuddling, saying I love you, making plans with me etc. She told me on a Saturday and that Monday the filing happened. I told her that is not what I want but I want you to be happy. So, I got a lawyer, and we were discussing all the splitting up stuff details, which was really hard and really wearing on me. I kept calm and positive throughout that and she was excited and happy talking about it, which also hurt. After a couple weeks I asked her what would need to change for her to be happy in our marriage. Then I took that info and started doing self work. After a couple weeks I asked her to put a hold on the divorce and give me some time to show her I was serious and dedicated to working on our marriage. She said she would not put a hold on it, but that I have plenty of time. So, I kept on. In April she came to me and said, I got an apartment and I am leaving now. She got some clothes and drove away.
I was really shocked because just the night before we spent about 3 hours talking, which was her talking and me listening and working on validating. She was talking about her feelings and her childhood and really opening up it seemed, none related to us our our marriage though. I thought it went really well and then the next day, she left.
I haven't seen or spoke to her much since then. I have called her twice. Once the first night and asked if she was okay. And again about a week later to tell her that I understand what she told me and a divorce is not what I want but if that is what she wants then okay. I have seen her very briefly a couple times when she came to pickup things or the kids. I said hi politely and went into another room. Other than that the only contact I have had is her emailing me related to either divorce stuff or arrangements for the kids. I respond only if required.
The last couple weeks I have been redoing some things around the house. She took the living room furniture and the kitchen table, so I have replaced and rearranged all that. She left a lot of her stuff here so I have put most of it in boxes in the basement as I rearranged stuff. She hasn't come to pick stuff up since she took the furniture about a month ago.
I do love my wife and want to work this out, I am not sure if that will happen though. I have been working on myself and taking care of our boys. I had them for about a month but the last couple weeks or so they have spent half their time with her. Since our oldest is 17, he pretty much drives himself and his brother back and forth. So I really don't see her much at all. Like I said a couple times for a minute each.
I really have no idea how she is doing, how she feels, whats been going on with her. So I have no idea if there is really even a chance. I have been just going on with my life and keeping a small hope in my heart. Exercising, counseling, self work, etc., and spending time with our boys when I have them. She hasn't tried to settle the divorce at all, but I imagine that is because she just wants it to go to a judge so I don't think that is really any indication of anything. She did stop wearing her wedding ring the day she left. I haven't said anything but of course the couple times I saw her I noticed it was not there.
So later today she is planning to pickup the rest of her clothes. It has been a couple weeks since she was last here. I am planning the same, say hi and let her in, the go in the other room and keep working.
I guess I am doing okay so far. I miss her a lot still. I want her to come home still. I know life will go on and I will be okay if she doesn't, it is just not what I hope happens.
Thanks for reading. Let me know if I am making any mistakes that you see. Or any other advice of course.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Relationships generally fall apart for one of three reasons: (1) One partner becomes emotionally unstable for a variety of reasons, which may include mental illness, addiction, issues related to a bad childhood, etc. (2) One partner has a momentary lapse of judgement and cheats and the other partner can't forgive them, or (3) the relationship slowly degrades over time for both people.
In the first case, sometimes people have latent issues and they either temporarily get better (an addict stops using for a while, a person with a mood disorder pursues treatment, etc), or the partner knows the issues are there and chooses to ignore them initially, fooling themselves or falsely believing that things will magically get better in the future.
This "fooling yourself" phenomenon is a lot of what goes on -- you fall in love with who you want the person to be versus who they really are. Over time, your veneer gets stripped away, you see them for who they really are and it’s no longer acceptable.
The tragic situation is when someone who was emotionally healthy when you met and dated them has a breakdown after you're married and just becomes unlivable due to their issues. That's rare but it certainly does happen, people just "go crazy" sometimes.
The third scenario is really what the quote above is about. Chances are if the husband is ignoring the wife's complaints, it’s because he's not very motivated to respond to them. The reason is generally that he's not having his needs met either, and his complaints are likely also being ignored.
That's the vicious cycle that tends to land people here -- your needs aren't being met, so you're less motivated to provide your wife with what she needs. Her needs aren't being met, so she's not motivated to give you what you need, and that spinning wheel eventually drives you apart until one person (or both people) decides they want out.
Sometimes the scenarios are combined, you could have all three things going on.
My point is, unless you "went crazy" after you married W, this is in *no way* your fault for not responding to her complaints. She is equally if not more culpable than you are in that regard. Don't let her off the hook for that, and don't shoulder the blame.
It's good to be aware of these dynamics so that you can identify and avoid them in the future, but you're not guilty. Here's what I mean when I say "make things worse": you are genetically wired to protect your wife and kids. When she's in distress, your first instinct is going to be to try to make things better. When you feel that you're making an effort to relieve her distress, it brings you a feeling of relief.
When you don't respond to her distress, it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable. You're going to get a cortisol dump and it’s going to be very tempting to act to make that bad feeling stop.
You'll tell yourself stories that you're being a bad person, or that you're "pushing her away" to justify trying to relieve your discomfort. "Making things worse" means that you grin and bear it.
You basically need to withdraw support -- emotional support and financial support to the degree possible. If she makes a mess, *she* needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable her in any way.
If she gets mad at you, you shrug it off, you don't engage.
If she cries in front of you, you let her cry and you make NO effort to comfort her.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are *not* mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience her, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by her.
When she senses that she's losing control over you, she *will* fight back. She will try to manipulate you to stay invested in her. The more you resist, the harder she will try. She'll scream and yell, she'll accuse, she'll break down and cry, she'll blame. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel *worse* than giving in to her and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WAW as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in her is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with her affair partners and outside interests, she can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
She needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if she chooses to return, and that if she wants to come back she's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell her that, she'll never believe it. You have to show her that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are.
You need to regard her with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from her (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if she doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your white knight nature.
You cannot placate her, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.
She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
Thanks LH. I am working on that now. I did not mention in my first post, but she does have a mental illness also. Which I have worried about. Emotionally detaching is what I am working on now. I think it is going okay, but I am definitely still doing the fake it till you make it. I know that, I think I am doing good at faking it, and sometimes feel close to making it.
Andy88, sorry for your situation. Welcome to the board. I can only relate to this in part because my W never left. In our first sitch 15 years ago she immediately said she'd end her EA, and wanted to stay and work on the MR and not get a D. Then 2 1/2 years ago her attitude was different. She immediately said she wanted a D, wanted to get a job, and wanted to get her own apartment. You W sounds like she was where mine was but followed through.
During my sitch 2 1/2 years ago I read and learned a lot about infidelity, why women at our W's ages suddenly felt this itch to rekindle their sexuality outside of the marriage. But I have to warn you, that is the feeling I am getting here. I found a book about why women cheat by another author (not MWD so I can't tell you the name) that explained in detail a lot about women and their hormonal journey. About how men peak sexually earlier in life, and women later. So a woman in her 40s moving into her sexual peak becomes very much like a late teen, early 20s boy: horny as all get out and wanting it with as many partners as possible.
One thing that I learned from that author is that wives do not need their own place to work on the MR, or to find themselves. They need their own place to sleep with other people.
I do not say this to you to hurt you, I say this to you to prepare you. Likely the other shoe is going to fall and your W is engaged in an affair. Likely was only an EA at first that moved into a PA. But the suddenness of all of this points in that direction.
You talk about your W's excitement at discussing the D. That was my W to a tee. Whenever she talked about getting the D, getting her job and her own place she was excited. She was convinced that would make her happy. She wanted me to keep the house, for our D to live with me, and she could come over and play "family". The first bubble I popped of hers was that the latter wasn't going to happen. That I wasn't going to sit idly by and allow her to breeze in and out of my living space. I insisted we'd sell the house, split everything down the middle, that we would have our D living with each of us 50/50, and that I had to be able to move forward with my life just like she did. That really started to burst her wayward fog bubble.
Andy, your sitch reminds me so much of my W"s plan. Even down to her taking some of the furniture. I remember having that conversation with her like it was yesterday.
So go recapture that life you used to have. Reconnect with old friends. Pick up old hobbies.Stay busy. Continue focusing on yourself for improvements you can make. Get yourself into IC. Read like crazy. ANd finally work on detaching from her. If you are like most of us you were way to dependent on your W for your own happiness. Go find Andy88 again, learn to be happy by yourself. There is no more of attractive person than the person that is happy and fulfilled on their own!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve for both the words of warning and encouragement. She was just here at the house for 20 or 30 minutes getting her clothes she left behind. I just let her in, said hi, your things are in the basement, and went back to work. I was on a conference call.
She lost quite a bit of weight over the last few months too. And I haven't seen her in a few weeks, she has lost more for sure. I didn't say anything though.
By your comments I am guessing your wife stayed and you are working things out now?
She hasn't said anything and I haven't seen any evidence yet of an affair, but I know that doesn't mean anything. She has accused me of cheating almost constantly for 10 years now. Even though there was no evidence and most of that time we had an active sex life. And just to be clear, I never had an affair or cheated. As for her own place, she said she has no interest in ever working on the marriage and that she wants to move on with her life without me. As fast as possible. That could be true or not, either way I am certain that she didn't tell me everything. Why would she.
Detaching is weird too. Because she has been my best friend and lover and wife for so long. I love her still. I am sure everyone has to go through the same, but I still have all those feelings for her and I am just hiding them away pretending that I don't care. I am doing well at getting on with my life for the most part, but I do miss her and think about her. Some days are better than others. And the more time has gone the more better days there are. But even on the best days I am still thinking about her. I guess it feels like I am giving up on the hope that we can reconcile and I still want that hope.
Please study detachment. It isn't pretending that you don't care. It is getting to a place where her words and actions do not affect you emotionally. It is really a healthy place for an individual to be, even an individual in a committed, loving relationship. Google "self-differentiation in marriage" for another take on it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I see what you mean about detachment. I am going to look at that more. I was using the term wrong there, although I do need to work on that as well. I was referring more to disinterest I guess, if that is the right term. Basically that if I show her I want her to come back then she won't. Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.
