MLC partner ? opinions plz ? - long post apology

[IHCLACS]

^^^^ Love love love hearing self empowering stories, personal development and realizations like this.

[MrBrside]

So I never thought I’d actually resurrect his thread.

I know a lot of LBS use this site for the initial advice then disappear, where as I’ve found it an invaluable source of info for self-improvement.

One post that really got me thinking the other days was an excellent post from LH19 – and it really struck a cord… To the point where I re-read it last night and its got me thinking about respect and resentment.

The jist of the enlightening post was this.

When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.

As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.

If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a years long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified (the coffee incident) and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, its an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.

If I’m honest, I rarely think about my old life now – I just want peace and hassle-free life to enjoy with my children. However, the post above did make me reflect back, as it touched upon one thing I could never really understand.
That was the loss of respect. I actually read my old post back and it was this comment that stuck out from April 2019

RESPECT
This comes up a lot on the board and I think Sandi mentions that once the wayward loses the respect, they go hunting. Respect is a word my ex-partner used a lot, after I refused to put the boob job on finance – Even though I paid outright, it really bugged her. She accused me of being a controlling bully for not signing the finance agreement at the time (along with the blackmail) – It didn’t matter I was paying outright and saving interest payments on the finance - She used to continually bring the finance up (even after the operation) and say that I never respected her enough to support her and go guarantor on the finance. If this was mentioned once, it was mentioned 10 times. It even came up in counselling. Was this projection back at me? Did she lose respect for me for refusing to go guarantor? I don’t know, but it was certainly a bug bear on her part. Looking back there were a few other things that also got mentioned ( see Self improvement ).. But all in all, I don’t know what more I could have done apart from be her doormat.

As I have mentioned in numerous posts, over our 8 years, we got on well – But once may WW decided she wanted something, it would cause the row of all rows until she got it. Boob job, new car, new house, more clothes, botox etc
– I could even predict it coming, ie if we visited a friends house and they had a nice sofa, I knew I would be in for a “we need a new sofa” demand.

Me being the rational person would find a way to make it work, without putting us into debt. I would never do anything stupid that would cause financial hardship, but I would find a rational and sensible way to provide what she desired. If I felt it was unnecessary and a case of “keeping up with the jonses then I did fight my corner. This went on for years, with the status quo being restored until the next demand popped up.

A few months before we separated our neighbour’s got a house cleaner. My WW decided she wanted / needed a cleaner (she only worked 12 hours a week) . I told her we did not need a cleaner, but she was furious. Just after our separation I got a random message saying “Its all your fault we are like this – why didn’t you listen to me ! – why didn’t you let me have a cleaner when I wanted one”

So this brings me back to the 2 R words – Respect and Resentment.

I think its fair to say there was a lot of resentment there, that built up from every time I didn’t jump to her tune.

I’ll be honest and say it’s not just me she resented – I have seen her cut off several “best friends” after they did something to annoy her / said something she disliked – like literally overnight she disowned them.

She hated her father with a passion for leaving her mother when she was young – ie no birthday cards etc and always said if I proposed to her, I couldn’t ask his permission or she would say “no”.. So she carried a lot of resentment around with her.

I’m not that way inclined so actually find it a bit difficult to relate – even with the WW now, after infidelity, all the emotional blackmail and threats I don’t resent her – I just want an peaceful drama free life with my children, without her..

With her it seems to be the opposite with her. I have also touched upon the fact I believe her to be BPD / NPD which probably doesn’t help matters..

So my point being, after a very long winded post, - LH19 made posted a great insight into resentment and I’m curious as to what people think - is it always the loss of respect that breaks down boundaries and causes them to cheat ? .. Or can resentment be enough to push a person over the edge – does the resentment eventually cause a lack of respect ?

Opinions welcome ?

[SteveLW]

MrB, I think that the problem is that people misinterpret what a lack of respect really means. For instance, your EX having to come to you every time she wanted to make a purchase built up a lack of respect towards you. You may think it was resentment, but I think the two really go hand in hand.

I know in my own sitch, after I took control of our finances back many many years ago (my W had setup auto payments on things resulting in a negative checking account and huge credits with a few of our billers), we ended up with a very similar dynamic as yours. My W would suggest we should get something, I would say yeay or nay. Over time this dynamic created a daddy-daughter relationship between my W and I. After Ring and piecing we went to a budget system. We allow so much for clothes, household items, etc. So much so that my W now feels comfortable making fairly large purchases without my thumbs up. She a couple of months back bought a fairly expensive floor cleaner without more than a mention that she had ordered it to me.

The control side of my still freaks out a little inside about this, but the last thing I want to go back to was that daddy-daughter dynamic we had between us before. So I allow her the leeway, within reason, to buy and order what she would like. I find it interesting that the less I worry about every penny of spending, the more discretionary spending money we have!

Back to the point, resentment to me leads to a lack of respect. And sometimes the WAS/WS doesn't even realize it themselves! My W on BD and shortly after it continued to say she had the utmost respect for me, especially as a provider and a wise finance guidance counselor. Yet her behavior was saying that she had no respect for me, largely because of resentments that had built up over time. So it isn't that they are separate as in either lack of respect or resentment can lead to a WS. I think the resentments build up to cause a lack of respect. Now that doesn't mean that is the case in every situation. Other things can cause a lack of respect, like be a beta male in the relationship, etc.

[LH19]

So my point being, after a very long winded post, - LH19 made posted a great insight into resentment and I’m curious as to what people think - is it always the loss of respect that breaks down boundaries and causes them to cheat ? .. Or can resentment be enough to push a person over the edge – does the resentment eventually cause a lack of respect?

MrBrside you are becoming one of my favorite posters. To answer your question I think the two can be exclusive. I think you can resent someone and still respect them. I would argue in my case that my ex wife resented/resents me but still respected/respects me.

I think resentment can be enough to cause them to cheat. When resentment builds and you are dealing with a conflict avoidant divorce is usually the outcome. Resentment is the most toxic of all emotions to an intimate relationship.

One thing you can know for sure is that if you don’t try to address the resentment, it won’t go away by itself. Resentment is a cancer that metastasizes and eventually makes it impossible for a healthy relationship to survive.

Another problem is resentment can build from things you have no control over. For an example, it was brought to my attention by my counselor that because of our different personality traits (enneagram) it likely caused resentment. I have a "life of the party" trait and my ex is more introverted. Hence we would go to a party and everyone would happier to see me then her because of my ability to make people laugh. Ironically, it's one of the reasons she was attracted to me in the first place. But after 24 years it lost it's luster and it wasn't so funny anymore. I was talking to this divorced girl who is an introvert and her husband worked alone as a surveyor. Because he was alone all day when he came home he wanted to talk to somebody. Well because she was an introvert she wanted to be left alone to recharge after working all day. She resented him for wanting to talk after work. Sounds crazy right?

Lack of respect IMO is formed more in how a man handles their business. A man who can't make a decision. A man who doesn't follow through on his word. A man who is willing to share his wife with another man. A man who doesn't take care of his body, dress, grooming. A man who doesn't protect his family Etc.

Good topic!

[SteveLW]

LH, I think it is approaching impossible to say someone respects you even if they cheat on you. Just my opinion.

[MrBrside]

Thanks for the input Steve,

MrB, I think that the problem is that people misinterpret what a lack of respect really means.

Hence why i thought i'd post. It was kind of the way my mind was thinking, but i was intreiged into other peoples thoughts.

For instance, your EX having to come to you every time she wanted to make a purchase built up a lack of respect towards you. You may think it was resentment, but I think the two really go hand in hand.

It was never every purchase. She could and did spend £1000 a month of random stuff on our paypal account and i didn't bat an eyelid. It was mainly the large purchases that would cause a debate - and more often than not, it wasnt that i didnt disagree with her, but more in the way she did no research / just wanted to buy / spend on a whim - because its what she wanted - and i want it now !

I know in my own sitch, after I took control of our finances back many many years ago (my W had setup auto payments on things resulting in a negative checking account and huge credits with a few of our billers), we ended up with a very similar dynamic as yours. My W would suggest we should get something, I would say yeay or nay. Over time this dynamic created a daddy-daughter relationship between my W and I.

Thats a fair way to look at it. Looking back, i always took control of the finances, as she never really understood them. This isn't meant to sound disrespectful about her, but she always struggled with numbers / legal documents / bills and although she lived on her own before she met me, she was clueless. I think one thing lacking in school today ( in the UK anyway ) is education on living costs etc. When i first moved in to her house i noticed her water meter bill was x3 what i was paying as a single person. I got her to query it and it turns out she was on a "crossed" meter so had been paying other houses water bills for years - she got a massive refund, but would hvae never noticed. Hence she was so was happy to leave me to it. I don't think she every once asked about anything in about 8 years - Until after DB, then it was a case of "your are controlling, you never let me do it etc" -

Back to the point, resentment to me leads to a lack of respect. And sometimes the WAS/WS doesn't even realize it themselves! My W on BD and shortly after it continued to say she had the utmost respect for me, especially as a provider and a wise finance guidance counselor. Yet her behavior was saying that she had no respect for me, largely because of resentments that had built up over time. So it isn't that they are separate as in either lack of respect or resentment can lead to a WS. I think the resentments build up to cause a lack of respect. Now that doesn't mean that is the case in every situation. Other things can cause a lack of respect, like be a beta male in the relationship, etc.

sounds familair - cheers Steve.

[LH19]

LH, I think it is approaching impossible to say someone respects you even if they cheat on you. Just my opinion.

I agree with you that's its tough but not impossible. You have never hid the fact on the board that you and your W have had affairs. Would you say you respect one another?

[SteveLW]

LH, I think it is approaching impossible to say someone respects you even if they cheat on you. Just my opinion.

I agree with you that's its tough but not impossible. You have never hid the fact on the board that you and your W have had affairs. Would you say you respect one another?

During the EAs, I would say no. For me my lack of respect was certainly pent up frustrations resulting in resentment. And I think the same for her. Her actions during her EA at the end of 2017 definitely showed a lack of respect since she was not willing to end it even after I discovered it and confronted. I certainly think that a WAS can still respect their LBS, but I think that a WS always has a lack of respect for the LBS.

[MrBrside]

MrBrside you are becoming one of my favorite posters.

thanks - we are both very to the point lol.. Not sure Curtis would agree with you though lol

To answer your question I think the two can be exclusive. I think you can resent someone and still respect them. I would argue in my case that my ex wife resented/resents me but still respected/respects me.

Interesting - hence the reason i bumped my post. I know my WW resents me - but again, she has mentioned the Respect word on 2 occassions - yet she cheated.. so its a tricky one.

I think resentment can be enough to cause them to cheat. When resentment builds and you are dealing with a conflict avoidant divorce is usually the outcome. Resentment is the most toxic of all emotions to an intimate relationship.

Agree.. i suppose another way to look at it is like your annual pay review. The boss does not give you what you wanted / you feel you deserve - I often use the Y in the road reference - you can go left and get a new job, or you suck it up and carry on working - hopefully getting the reward / rise next year. I don't think going left and getting a new job means you don't respect the boss - you are just frustrated / resentfull you didn't get the pay rise - hence ( and most likely on a whim / frustration ) you look elsewhere. Is that much different that cheating.

Because he was alone all day when he came home he wanted to talk to somebody. Well because she was an introvert she wanted to be left alone to recharge after working all day. She resented him for wanting to talk after work. Sounds crazy right?

My Ex just wanted to be left alone with a phone all night after looking after the childrenin the day - "to switch off" as she put it - i know how the surveyor felt lol. ironically, after years of just wanting to "switch off" once the WW mindset started she found the energy to stay out 5 nights a week leaving me with the children while she saw OM - even crazier !

[LH19]

I certainly think that a WAS can still respect their LBS, but I think that a WS always has a lack of respect for the LBS.

I have read this three times and I think I need some clarification but I think it's what I meant about my ex.