Still married couple from Scandinavia Part 2

[AnotherStander]

No matter what anyone thinks, I wasn't waiting around,hoping she would reach out one day. Her aunt died of breast cancer as did her grand mother, so when she mentioned that, yes, I asked her if she wanted to me to join her to her appointments. That seems to have gotten blown into me running back to comfort her the moment she reached out. I get other LBS have done that in the past, but that is not me.

I do remember that and I believe I supported your decision to be available to her during that time. Personally I feel that when it comes to a health issue, especially a serious one, DB'ing should be temporarily set aside if it's what the WAS wants. My XW went through cancer after S and she did NOT want my support, so I respected her wishes. But in your case it did seem she wanted your assistance, so no harm there at all.

Since we started hanging out, I will admit, I have enjoyed it. And that is what she would bring to the table.

Good enough! If you enjoy her company and have no expectations beyond friendship then carry on. I know a lot of people here feel they can't ever be friends with their ex and that is perfectly valid if that's how they feel. But after some time went by after D, my XW and I became closer as friends and remain so to this day. Some people can't do that but it works for us.

I was considering mentioning or perhaps discussing where I stand with her but even that is not something I "urge" to do or something I consider of great importance. Was just a thought and I'm happy to put that aside.

If you're just curious and have no expectations then I don't see a problem with asking her something like "Just curious why you're suddenly interested in hanging out so much?" Kind of a ping without it being a relationship discussion per se. Normally I wouldn't suggest that but your situation is a bit unique. You say you've moved on and I really do believe you, so you're better equipped to have a conversation like that than most here.

[BenB]

Hi Steve,

If that is the case, I have completely misunderstood everything about DB. I don't remember those things from the book.

I'll start by saying, you are dead wrong if you think I have reached out to her at all. But I won't spend any time convincing you otherwise. Our communication is mostly through messenger and I've just scrolled back weeks and can't find a single conversation started by me. Why do you think I would lie about this? Why would telling you lies benefit me in any way?

Sorry, I haven't read DB in over a year but I can't remember specific advice like that. Telling her to get her things on a specific date etc. But now that I thought about it, we did set a date. She told me in December she is moving to a new apartment and asked if she could get them when she is settled in to the new apartment. Then came the cancer issue and I wasn't about to bring up some boxes when that happened and Steve, I'm sorry but that is pointless to discuss with me. I couldn't care less if it sounds like I am making excuses. That is a valid reason to put DB aside. Not sure if you remember but AS and others(vets I believe) agreed I should put DB aside when I received that information. I will take in to consideration any advice I receive here but if anyone tries to explain how I should ignore her when she found that lump, it is a waste of our time. It could have been a friend who reached out I hardly have any contact with, someone who did something hurtful in the past even, I would still let go of any grudge and call them up immediately. So most certainly I would do that in this case and if DB is against that, I do not care.

Steve, you seem so sure I am being friend zoned. AS, perhaps you forgot but a few posts ago you agreed she was sending out recon vibes? I know the friend zone vibe and that's not what I feel when we meet anymore. But doesn't mean I am sure she wouldn't back off if I showed interest. That's why I haven't. She asks to meet and do things together at times. I thought DB encouraged to accept some invitations and decline others? Not to go completely dark as the one and only solution? I'll try to read it again after I'm finished with the current book I'm reading.

[BenB]

AS, exactly! I wouldn't be bothered by any reply I get from her because I am not that attached to her anymore. Steve asked earlier what my level of detachment is and if on a scale of 1-10, 10 being finding out she is dating my brother then I'm probably at 8 or maybe even 9. I don't have any expectations.

She might even be dating someone right now! I have no idea. We meet maybe once a week and don't talk about that.

I do enjoy her company as a friend but I don't feel friend zoned. I have a female friend I hang out with a lot, there is absolutely no attraction between us. That's not the vibe with W these days. However, that does not mean I trust her motives. Perhaps this is, as you said earlier, her way of keeping me from moving on. Perhaps she is doing this after finding out I was on that celebrity dating app. That could be what motivates her and if I show any interest, I don't know what would happen.

[LH19]

Steve, you seem so sure I am being friend zoned. .

There's only one way to find out.

AS, perhaps you forgot but a few posts ago you agreed she was sending out recon vibes? .

Maybe Mummin can pass her a note and find out if she likes you? LOL

I know the friend zone vibe and that's not what I feel when we meet anymore. But doesn't mean I am sure she wouldn't back off if I showed interest. That's why I haven't. .

This is what I don't get. Don't you want to find out where you stand?

She asks to meet and do things together at times. I thought DB encouraged to accept some invitations and decline others? .

I don't think this is applicable when you are separated and D papers are in the process.

[BenB]

This is what I don't get. Don't you want to find out where you stand?

Well, yes but I'm in no rush. I was playing the long game as we spoke of earlier. We do flirt when she's over.

I don't think this is applicable when you are separated and D papers are in the process.

We didn't see each other for 5 months and then only started talking after the cancer thing. When we do meet, it is never any of the things we used to do. No dinners, wine etc. I didn't know DB said to only agree to meeting again after NC if she is willing to R and that is the purpose of that meeting?

But if I find out that she wants us to remain buddies, it doesn't take the DB books for me to understand I need to end that immediately.

[SteveLW]

Ben, good luck, and I mean that sincerely. You clearly still care about her and for that reason I hope she is interested in giving it another go. Since you've been here, your love for her is evident. And I do like that you are taking the attitude that she can't just waltz right back. I do hope for your sake she is interested in recommitting to MR. Just keep your expectations low.

[BenB]

Thank you so much Steve!

Just keep your expectations low.

Absolutely! I am very skeptic and her behavior lately could just as well be motivated by her own selfish reasons. I am still of the mindset that I believe none of what she says and half what she does. My trust for her was broken so I can't trust anything when it comes to her. Perhaps one day she'll have earned that trust again, perhaps not.

[BenB]

Divorce final August 3, 2020

[LH19]

Sorry to hear Benny. Anything new with Ex?

[SteveLW]

Sorry Ben. But remember, just a step in the process. If she ever wants to R, and you are still open to it, being D'd won't prevent that.