So proud of your changes. And you awareness...you have come so far.
I have many different, conflicting thoughts of advice for you. I don't know what to say at first but mainly I'm just glad you are doing well.
I also cracked up at the D5.5 thing.
Yeah...D5.5 and I had quite the discussion about her turning 5 and a half. She's proud of her age and tells everyone she meets.
Happy to see you're working on piecing your marriage back together. I haven't had the chance to see how you and other folks are doing. I'm wishing you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you.
And please, advise me! That's the purpose of this board, right?
So proud of your changes. And you awareness...you have come so far.
I have many different, conflicting thoughts of advice for you. I don't know what to say at first but mainly I'm just glad you are doing well.
I also cracked up at the D5.5 thing.
Yeah...D5.5 and I had quite the discussion about her turning 5 and a half. She's proud of her age and tells everyone she meets.
Happy to see you're working on piecing your marriage back together. I haven't had the chance to see how you and other folks are doing. I'm wishing you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you.
And please, advise me! That's the purpose of this board, right?
Hi P,
I didn't answer our question, because I wasn't totally sure. I've thought about it off and on over the months. I was going to say I didn't think you were ready to date. But I think I was wrong.
I hope you are well. How are things on the job front, love life, family life?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's been a long, strange journey since I last updated with everything happening in my life. I was fired from my job from the IT company I was at for a year and a half. The same company I was working when my M was crashing and burning, yes. At the same time, I started to date and found myself in an R with a 39 year old mother of 3 teenagers. Since I last posted, I found work at a contract manufacturing company as a temp worker. I stayed there for four months. Things were pretty good between my (now ex) GF and I. We spent time with each other about once a weekend with me generally spending the night. She met D6 (how time flies) about two months after we started dating. Things were pretty good, but I started to notice a few things about her and my R with her. I'll get to the R details later since I want to finish filling you all in on what has been happening in my life up to this point.
My contract with the company ended just before Christmas with no offer of being hired on full-time, despite applying and being turned down for a few positions. Needless to say, the rejections crushed me and greatly affected my morale and mood going into 2020. In the 5 months since, I have applied to over 100 jobs with getting 10 interviews and eventually 2 job offers. The first one was close to where my exGF lived, the other, where I am working now, is close to where I live. It was a very difficult 5 months. I was spending time applying for jobs, exercising (I was still lifting!), break in to selling handmade photo gift cards, and spend time with D6. I was able to keep it together but the winter weather and the difficulty of landing a job stated to take on a mental and emotional toll on me. I broke down crying calling the local crisis line because I was so hopeless with the way things were unfolding. It seemed like no matter how much I tried I kept failing. My depression fully took hold and I was again fighting what was seemingly an impossible battle. COVID just seemed to make it worse (when in reality, it was when things started to turn around for me as far a job hunting goes). I was able to get a decent-paying job about 30 minutes from my house with (hopefully) an opportunity for advancement after my 90 day period is over. It's a fall from what I used to make but it's not unemployment and I am making enough to cover my monthly expenses. It's early but I feel and hope that my professional life is starting to turn around. I hope that it continues to improve and I can achieve the professional goals I set out to achieve when I left my toxic job (the one before the IT job).
My exGF was going through hardships of her own; her dog dying, her mom's cancer diagnosis, her XH going to jail for domestic assault on New Years Day, raising three teenagers, and school. She told me on numerous occasions that my R with her was good, though I was having my doubts about it and her. That being said, I did the best I could to apply the lessons from my previous M, the advice I got from this board, and other online resources. I made sure that I was the man in the R by leading the family when we were together doing family activities. I even made sure that sex was better and more regular than what it was with my XW. While all of this was going on, I made an effort to move forward from my XW, though there were times in which my XW was on the phone with me in front of my GF and XW would say something that would adversely affect me. My GF was starting to push me into moving into her place but my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". Her house was always so busy and I felt like I was more of a father replacement than a BF. We would go on dates when we can, but to be honest, it just did not feel right. Things were not clicking into place as I feel as they should. I tried to make it a R that exhibited love, but I just felt that the effort I was putting in was not being reciprocated. Should I have voiced my concern? Yes. It was a failure that contributed towards the end. Instead of communicating to her directly about it, I shelved it and hoped to approach it later. I moved forward with the R and hoped that as time moved on, our personal lives would get better and our R would be able to overcome this and take it to another level.
Then COVID hit. We started to see a lot less of each other and we tried (I tried) to keep our connection going. When I said that I tried, I suggested a video dinner. That happened once and she told me that she already ate dinner and was lying in her bed with pajamas on. So that was another blow to the R. We called each other daily, but the spark was not there anymore. I honestly wanted to end things but felt that I was not giving it the chance it needed. I wanted to see her again and try to rekindle things face to face. Alas, that never came to fruition as she attempted to ghost me but I called her the next day to talk things over and ultimately breaking up mutally.
Looking back, I am happy that I experienced what I feel was a rebound relationship. It validated that I am capable of finding love again. I am going to take a break from dating in general for now. I would love to get out there again, since I still have needs, but I am not in a desperate, post-BD rush to get them. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I noticed that in my last R I was starting to put aside the things that I enjoyed, like photography, and be complacent doing just enough to get by. I am working on improving my environment around me, like taking care of my house, cleaning, cooking my own meals. I am doing my best to be the best father to D6 I can be. I am working on my anger issues, which flare up from time to time. I am proud to say that I don't have outbursts to my XW like I did, though that may just be due to drifting apart after time. The biggest challenge is with D6 and she is now of the age where she tells me if I need to simmer down. I am very thankful for that, as she is working with me on keeping my anger in check. I am going into my 4th week at my new job and want to make sure I set myself up for success and growth. It is still early as to whether or not I will enjoy working there in the long term, but for now, it's a paycheck that is covering my expenses and is getting me out of the house.
My feelings for XW have gotten to the point where I don't want an R with her. I miss the good memories I had with her. I miss who she was and what she meant for me. I see her now and I am not attracted to her. She is not the same person I loved. And most importantly, she is not the same person I trusted. I share very little personal things with her, though none of it has to do with the way things fell apart or my R with with XGF. There was one day when I was having a particularly hard day and I was crying. She called to ask stuff about D6 and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was struggling and not sure what I wanted other than the pain to stop. She digs in a little more and shows concern that I may have thoughts of self-harm, to which I don't. I tell her that I am not going to do anything that would affect D6 because she needs her daddy. XW replies that it's not just for that reason I don't want to hurt myself. I told her that I'm fine. I know how it would affect my friends and family and would not subject them to that pain. She then brings up some of the times I was happy, like our M. I told her that it was a happy time, and that it was gone now. I ended the call telling her that things will be ok and that I will be fine. I try not to analyze her feelings and what she says, because it does not change anything.
I hope that all of you are doing well. I will try to resume some semblance of normal posting, but it would be more of me journaling rather than what XW is doing and trying to salvage a dead marriage. I am typing this with a thick, cloudy feeling in my head, so some of the stuff I typed out may not make sense. I will do what I can to clarify things in this post as I revisit you all.
it is good to hear from you again. And it appears D5.5 has turned into D6.127 haha.
Check on The Inner Citadel by Pierre Hadot. I think you may like it a lot. I've been progressing a lot with this 2,000 year old wisdom. The best thing I have learned is that you are the one who decides how you take things. Remain indifferent to indifferent things. Realize how much meaning you assign to things and the inner discourse you have. This meal? It is the corpse of a fish. This tunic, the wool of a lamb. Sex? Two people rubbing the bellies together.
Are you guys still locked down? Our gyms opened up 3 weeks ago thank the lord. I was able to snag some decent home gym stuff back in March so I was ok but I've really enjoyed the gym again after this time off. How are your daughter's studies coming? My dad, despite all his flaws, managed to sit down every night with my brother and me to do homework, reading, studying, preparation. It made a huge difference in my life.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wow, you've really been through some ups and downs this year! Despite it all it sounds like you're handling it quite well and came out of your old R a much stronger person. Glad to hear you were able to find employment, that's a big deal right now!
I'm happy to give you all an update. It's been way too long. We are slowly coming out of lockdown. Fortunately, our county was one of the first to be approved for reopening. There is a restaurant/pub that has been PACKED since restrictions were eased. I myself have not gone to any sit-down place since before the lockdown. I may keep it that way for awhile, at least until I can get more money in my pocket. The gym I frequent across the river opened up and I went back for workouts last week. Being in pain (from muscle soreness), has never felt so good. D6.17 (lol) studies are going pretty well, though I attribute it more to her mom than me. I do what I can, but it helps to have technology make it easier. I'm doing what I can to be more involved and not have her keep to herself while I game/nap/be depressed, but I am making progress.
On that note, I am still working on my anger. Right now, it's mostly venting frustration as a father. That being said, I have noticed how it negatively affects her when I raise my voice and she has been telling me to stop being loud because it hurts her feelings. I told her that I understand how she feels and there are better ways of getting my point across without resorting to a loud voice. It's been a challenge but I am making progress.
As I spend more time with D6, I notice how alike she is to her mom. D6 CRAVES attention from me. Holding my hand while we run errands, asking for hugs and cuddles, sitting with her while she watches TV, and bedtime storyreading while she sits on my lap following snuggling and head-scratching until she falls asleep. A lot of those things were the same things that XW wanted from me when we were together and due to my irritability and feeling like I was being smothered, I denied her. I carry a lot of guilt from that.
I have done a lot of self-reflection since my breakup and came to the realization that I am still carrying a lot of nice-guy characteristics. Though it has been improved when I was with her, I noticed that I still was not communicating my needs effectively. For example, one of the biggest peeves that I considered a dealbreaker was her apprehensiveness to come out to my house where I was going to her place about every weekend. I did ask her why she didn't want to visit and she said stuff about her kids and being close to her mom (she was undergoing cancer treatments). I let it go, but felt like it was a cop-out for her not to visit for one reason or another. I did not push it because I felt like I had other personal issues (like finding a job) and did not want to come across as whiny or petty. Towards the end of the R, she asked me if I needed anything from her. I paused and thought about the visiting part, but felt like it was not appropriate and that my expressing my desire for her to visit me more would express weakness on my end. I told her that I did not need anything now other than to just begin seeing each other again and once we started to do so we can go from there. Looking back, I could have done more, but I was afraid of coming across as controlling. Where would the balance between getting my needs net without sounding overbearing be?
I am really struggling to battle depression. I'm still functional with making sure everything is clean, errands are run and D6 is taken care of, however, I am immensely lonely. I hesitate to reach out to friends and when I game, I play solo. I have an appointment to see someone in early July once benefits kick in, so I'm hoping that I can start getting it addressed.
On the future of dating, I am going to give myself some time to be alone and single for the foreseeable future. I would like to casually date (emphasis on casual) towards the end of the year and go from there. Of course, that depends on how I am doing with life at that point. I am hoping that I will be in a better place then than where I am now. My goal is not hoping to date at the end of the year. My goal is to be a happier self. The dating would be a happy consequence of my self-improvement.
Hey Phoenix, I remember you well. Thanks for checking in.
I'm sure a small bit of your depression might ease when you find you can exercise with regularity again. I know it is helpful to you. While it isn't a cure it is a great management tool and I hope it helps you.
Everything is especially complicated by Covid19, and I do think it is impacting all of our mental well being in various ways. So while you may think it's "just you" (you didn't say that) there are I'm sure effects of the pandemic hitting you in subtle and overt ways.You are not alone in that part.
Also, good on you for continuously battling your anger. I like to think of it as practice. You might slip a bit on some days, but it's not like you have one final end goal you will reach in 2 weeks time. All you can do is continue to practice. You could even bring D6 in on this idea and thank her for helping you in your practice. I think it's good for kids to see that they don't have to be perfect, but they do need to try.
I like the single game plan. I had thought for myself that I might start thinking about dating this summer (separated about 1.5 years now, divorce was final in January). I'm finding that NOPE I'm definitely not interested in that like I thought I might be. And that feels kind of relieving in some ways. I'm loving being single not because I don't like other people, but more because I'm really relishing not having my life habits be subject to someone else's opinion. I like being in charge of my own life, and partnership requires compromise. A beautiful type of compromise, but I'm just not feeling that yet. Let's be selfish for a while and live according to only our own rules and habits.
Anyway, I appreciated this update because it's real. You're doing well and also growing which can be painful.
Thank you Yail. It's hard to figure out if the decisions I am making are healthy and conducive towards healing and growth, or if I am pushing the problem aside and ignoring it for it to come back at a later time. I feel like I have been making small but significant strides with this and everything going on right now.
This week has been a blur to me. I have been mostly involved with work and physical self-care. Getting used to a new schedule has been relatively easy. The only thing I do not like is getting up at 3:45 to be at work by 5:00, though drinking my coffee black has helped make mornings much more bearable. Also, adjusting to an IF (intermittent fasting) lifestyle has helped balance things out physically and mentally. Food is still somewhat of a crutch, but forcing myself to be held accountable for 16 hours has made the food crutch smaller and allowed me to lose some weight. I look back at my photos pre-BD and I respond with an audible "Whoa!" everytime I see myself back then.
One thing that has been a challenge for me to overcome is getting past the events and the resulting aftermath of the loss of my M. I have a lot of regret and sorrow for the way I acted and how those events led to our S. I try not to dwell but in moments of loneliness and solitude, it comes roaring back and I get reminded of the events that transpired. I still hurt at what I lost; love, trust, my friends, a certain security, and a sense of family. I hate coming home to an empty house. Having D6 spend time with me definitely helps though I know she has her own life to live and as she continues to get older she will be creating her own relationships with peers her own age. I am trying to establish and keep my friendships that I have made over the last year, though with COVID it has been more of a challenge. It did feel good to see a good buddy of mine at the local dive bar a few days ago. I told him that I will not be as much of a stranger as I have been and hopefully we can hang out on a regular basis, especially as restrictions are eased.
My exGF called yesterday and we talked about getting together with the girls since they are missing each other. I see her as another possible friend and I think with the pressure of an R off I can create a good friendship. We'll see how it goes.
The healing, as I have stated previously, has been ongoing. Each day it gets a little better, but I would be lying if I said it did not hurt. I am not in agony as I was previously, but I still hurt. I still wonder if I can truly be the man only a fool would leave. I still wonder if I find someone who will love me the way my XW did. This is not a knock against my exGF. I feel like I have put unreasonable high expectations on my exGF and unfortunately the weight of my expectations along with circumstances outside of our control caused things to end. I truly feel like I can love again. I truly feel like my true love is out there, waiting for me. I feel that at the right time, at the right place, it will happen. I hope I am not wrong.
