Almost 5 weeks after D-Day

[BL42]

BobP,

I remember reading your sitch on here during during the worst of mine (before I even started posting myself) and remember thinking it so odd your W is dating someone 20 years her elder. Can't imagine it's going to work out between the two of them in the long run. Sorry she turned your life upside down in the process, but glad to hear you're doing better than 6 months ago, and I hope things will continue to improve in your life.

[BobP]

I can totally relate to what you are saying Bob. My XH was engaged and a new home owner within seven months of BD...and we do have kids... kids that he introduced OW to three months before BD. So to answer your question... no, I don’t think we ever really truly know someone. Like your XW, the person my XH was when I married him, no longer exists. You are lucky, in some ways, that you didn’t have kids as you are able to move forward and have very little, if any contact with your X. I think that helps with the healing process. Having said that, time is a great healer regardless. In my sitch, XH has been super reasonable with the business end of our split so we have been able to establish a pretty positive co-parenting situation. And OW is very good to my kids so I think we are doing as well as we possibly can given the circumstances. XH was over at my house yesterday dropping some planters off (he and OW have bought me out of my share of the home I co-own with his mom so are moving in once they sell their home and pay me) and we had a funny, lighthearted conversation about our kids and the logistics of the move(s). It was nice and bodes well for our kids that we are in that place. Three years ago, I would have never predicted that and yet here we are. Life is good. And in a weird way, I AM glad that it happened because the life I lead now would have never happened if it hadn’t. It’s not the life I planned but it may turn out to be an even better one. I hope yours does too. (((HUGS)))

Thank you DejaVu6,

You're right, my path forward is an easier one than the one others must contend with because we didn't have children together. In fact I remember thinking last year how easy I had it compared to others here because of this, I was like "what are you complaining about, Bob? You have it easy compared to others, there are no kids, just move on and get her out of your life completely." I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is feeling powerless to keep the family together when the other spouse wants out, while seeing the kids denied the same family structure I feel I benefited from while growing up. But I know of situations where things are so toxic between the parents it's undoubtedly for the better and the kids seem to be doing excellent. And like you said, other than the sharing of our dog over the next several years there really isn't any other reason for us to remain in touch which can help with the healing process.

I'm happy things are amicable between you and your XH in regard to the co-parenting situation. In several years I hope I can be in the same place you are, almost glad things happened the way they did because you're so content with your life as it is now. That's the place I'm trying to get to and I just need to keep putting in the work. At least now I can begin to see a path to it. Thanks again and take care.

[BobP]

BobP,

I remember reading your sitch on here during during the worst of mine (before I even started posting myself) and remember thinking it so odd your W is dating someone 20 years her elder. Can't imagine it's going to work out between the two of them in the long run. Sorry she turned your life upside down in the process, but glad to hear you're doing better than 6 months ago, and I hope things will continue to improve in your life.

Thanks BL42, yes actually he's 17 years her senior. I think this is why when my gut was trying to tell me things during the preceding months leading to BD my brain would shut it down and rationalize things. We both had felt bad for him because of the recent loss of his wife to cancer just two weeks shy of what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. So we had spent a lot of time with him. But there was always this inordinate glimmer she seemed to experience when we were with him and I should have been more alarmed than I was. The age difference definitely threw me off. I knew she admired him and also liked the way he played a wicked guitar, but it was hard for me to believe the "admiration" would have led to an affair. Female friends and relatives assured told me they could see themselves connecting with someone who represented a wide age gap, especially if there were common interests and temperaments. They also worked together as members of a three person band that's out in many area restaurants and clubs. Given the additional fact we were going through a negative cycle in our own relationship, I definitely should have been more vigilant.

Hope things are going well for you, BL42.

[SteveLW]

BobP, thank you for coming back and providing an update. Sorry you had to go through this, but it is inspiring to see how well you doing. You're future is bright, still fully ahead of you, and in your complete control to go out and seize ahold of! I feel you'll do exactly that.

[ovrrnbw]

Excellent, words of wisdom Bob.

It's hard, but what is given easily has little value.

I hope you truly learn from this and keep those lessons with you forever.

I hope to visit the northeast at some point, in the summer of course, and experience your homeland.

Also, I'm going to jump on your bandwagon as well and say thank you to Steve for being such a giving person. Steve you are a blessing my man and so is this whole place.

[BL42]

BobP,

I noticed you online and read back a bit to refresh myself on your story. How about an update? How's life been this past year?

[BobP]

Hi BL, I'm doing well.
I'm glad you appear to be doing well also.
You and I were going through our initial stages of this ordeal at around the same time, back around the Spring/Summer of 2020. Seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
It's good to see you here helping others, sharing your hard-earned wisdom & offering advice.
When BD arrives it really turns us inside out, it's hard to make sense of anything. The not eating, the not sleeping, the constantly trying to figure out just what the heck went wrong and how I couldn't have seen it when in hindsight it should have been as clear as day, the overwhelming feeling of dread that comes from no longer feeling in control of one's life. We live our lives with assumptions, and in my case one of those assumptions was that her and I would be together until one of us kicked the bucket. Best not to assume these things. Lesson very much learned. Those first few days, weeks, months after BD, when one is first coming to terms with the shock and what seems like betrayal, are awfully rough, and it's hard to think straight. That's why it's good to have a place to come to and meet some friends who have been through it as well, who can share with you their own sitch, can relate to what it is you're experiencing, and assure you that, in time, it does get better.
So, this month it's been two years since BD, and one year since the divorce becoming final.
I still have my moments from time to time, but they're much less frequent.
I've gotten better at forcing myself to focus on something else when I feel it coming back.
I'll always wish that it didn't end the way it did. Maybe there were some sides to her to which I was blind. I know perfectly well I'm far from perfect and there were many things I should have done better. But I think several months after BD I stopped beating myself up, and by the end of the summer of 2020 I realized I was going to be okay, but that it was going to be a gradual thing, and GAL was a little tougher during a pandemic but certainly not impossible.

She's not a bad person. She's done a lot to help people over the years and often places the interests of others before her own. But I also know now that I would never have any interest in reconciling with someone who would treat me with that kind of disrespect. Oh, in the immediate wake of BD getting control of my life back was all I could think about. But there comes a time when the finality of it finally sinks in. It wasn't really that bad. It was almost a relief. It was like I was no longer burdened. And over time, it's not just the WASs who may lose the feeling, sometimes the LBSs do too. We too can flip that switch and say, you know what, I don't really think it's there anymore. That said, I understand each sitch is different and in some cases it may still be worth it to try, especially when they're are children.

When I see some of the more recent sitches, it's amazing how much commonality there is wrt the behavior of WASs. The kind of behavior which seems so much out of character at the time. "Who is this person? Where the he!# is my wife? Heck, even her voice sounds like she's transformed into a different person. Is she on medication which has radically changed her personality?" They're addicted I guess, and the LBS is an impediment to the fix and will be treated by that once special someone, that same someone who once loved them, with contempt.

Hope you're doing well, BL.
I think it's awesome you're helping those who have been through what we've been through.

[BL42]

BobP,

I appreciate the update. You come across as calm, peaceful, and quite reflective which is great for your growth - newbies should read your latest update and understand they'll be alright even if they don't reconcile.

Sorry for asking if you'd rather not sure, but do you know what happened with ExW and OM? I'm curious, especially considering the significant age difference. And do you still see the dog?

What have you done over the past year GAL-wise? Are you dating?

Glad to hear all is well...

[BobP]

BL42,
Apologies for getting back to you a little late.
So to answer your questions:
About XW & OM, well those two crazy kids are going to be tying the knot later on today up in New Hampshire. He's 74. She's 56. I'd be lying if I told you it's not on my mind but it's not bothering me as much as it would have say a year or two back. I'm ok and I have plans for later in the day which I intend to enjoy come hell or high water.

You know, two years ago when I was reading all I could on the topic of affairs, the different types, brain chemicals, betrayal trauma, "limerance" lol, and all the rest of that stuff I remember reading that only 5%, if I remember correctly, of affairs end up in marriage, and of those only 25% will continue on. Pretty bleak statistics for the unfaithful. Maybe it's because of my own experience, but I have a hard time believing those numbers. I know of other instances of marriages that were born out of extra marital affairs and they've been going strong for years and there's every indication they will continue to do so. In a few of those cases the WAS wasn't even all that unhappy prior to leaving the LBS. They simply met someone else they felt was more appropriate for them, had more in common with, and could be even happier with in the long run. In my own case there were some issues that weren't being addressed. That's on both of us, and in looking back, I really did need to be more aware of the direction we were heading rather than simply assuming it was just another bad patch we'd get by as we had before. We were both avoidant and always tried to maintain harmony within our confines but man, that volcanic pressure does build up and when the volcano erupts it gets pretty ugly. Unexpectedly so if you're like I was. My bad. We live and learn, my friend. It's important I own my own $&@% in this. Her and I did not have children together. I admittedly have a hard time taking a cavalier attitude on this when we're talking about a young couple with children. I can't say I'm a big fan of cheaters when what they're doing will lead to the break up of what was otherwise a healthy functioning family supportive of the kids. I know each case is unique and maybe some marriages should end.

Detachment. Is there really anything more important than that in dealing with this kind of thing? Probably not. I know I'm closer to it. I know I don't feel in love with her. I know I'd never take her back if the opportunity was there... and believe me it won't be. I'm not even attracted to her anymore. When I look at her I feel an almost visceral feeling of disgust. But if I were detached would I feel that way, or would I feel more indifferent? Undoubtably the latter. BL, when the anger has totally dissipated I'll know I'm where I need to be. Anger has been the toughest part of this for me. And I'm not known as someone with anger issues. But the way this happened I've felt it like I never had before. And I'm angry at myself for being so oblivious to what was happening right in front of my face. Angry at myself for wussing out so badly in the initial weeks while I was in complete denial.

I was hoping our friend Spiral would get back. We all started this thing around the first half of 2020. Hope he's doing good. That dude was born with a dominant DB gene and came across to me as a MAN firmly grounded in his own sense of masculine self-respect. I know nothing of his XW's OM but I always thought it was possible she made a life decision she could possibly regret later.

The dog? She's right here by my feet waiting for her breakfast. She says Hi by the way, haha. The dog is all I really talk to XW about these days as the dog's been having some minor health issues as she gets older. XW likes to act like the whole world is one happy family and everyone, including me, should be in constant celebration over how the universe now makes perfect sense seeing that her and OM have rightfully come together, and why not, it's only in the natural order of things. She tries to talk to me about lots of things and I just steer the conversation back to the dog. But I'm pleasant. I do try to be brief. I don't know how I'll feel about her ten years from now. Maybe by then I would have been completely detached for years and would even be able to find it in my heart to forgive her. We did have some good years.

Dating? I'm not interested in it at the moment. Really don't feel like I'm there. I have a friend I've known for over thirty years who was at one time the girlfriend of a friend. We talk from time to time and go out to dinner every now and then. She likes to send me silly texts over current events that always crack me up and sometimes make my day. I always thought of her as one of my closest friends. I'd be at a loss if I lost that friendship. I'm very reluctant to do anything that might hurt the friendship which I value very much.

Take care, BL

[BL42]

About XW & OM, well those two crazy kids are going to be tying the knot later on today up in New Hampshire. I'd be lying if I told you it's not on my mind but it's not bothering me as much as it would have say a year or two back. I'm ok and I have plans for later in the day which I intend to enjoy come hell or high water.

Wow. Quite the day. Hope you enjoyed the hell out of your plans. GAL is always key in these sitches. I remember when my first LTR (HS/College sweethearts, 8-9yrs) was set to get married in town to the guy she met towards the end of our relationship I made sure to fly across the country to visit friends to avoid any possibility of accidentally crossing paths with the event.

He's 74. She's 56.

She's going to feel much differently about this guy (or at least her situation) in a few, or maybe 5-10 years.

I remember reading that only 5%, if I remember correctly, of affairs end up in marriage, and of those only 25% will continue on. Pretty bleak statistics for the unfaithful. Maybe it's because of my own experience, but I have a hard time believing those numbers. I know of other instances of marriages that were born out of extra marital affairs and they've been going strong for years and there's every indication they will continue to do so.

I agree. I know instances where the marriage with the AP has lasted quite awhile. My first LTR is an example, though maybe not technically an affair certainly a quick rebound while talking to me. Another is my ExMIl and ExSFIL who tore up my ExW's family. Also, interesting timing on your observation because I just saw this in another thread:

It’s been 4 years and eggman isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Of course I hoped and prayed my ex’s affair partner would go away. They just celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary in April.

I do have a fear my ExW and OM2 will last a long time or perhaps forever. I know we should be detached and not have a care in the world, but there is a prideful validation if they break apart ("it wasn't us after all" kind of thing. Also, I think for me it's a lot to do with two young children and the father v. potential step father contention. E.g., I don't want to walk my daughter down the aisle with another man, or have dual father /daughter dances. Also, maybe it's viewing things through our own experiences or biases, and they're never as good as they appear from our LBS vantage point.

In my own case there were some issues that weren't being addressed. That's on both of us, and in looking back, I really did need to be more aware of the direction we were heading rather than simply assuming it was just another bad patch we'd get by as we had before. We were both avoidant and always tried to maintain harmony within our confines but man, that volcanic pressure does build up and when the volcano erupts it gets pretty ugly. Unexpectedly so if you're like I was. My bad. We live and learn, my friend. It's important I own my own $&@% in this.

This is insightful and shows a mature self-reflection. Good for you for being honest with yourself.

I admittedly have a hard time taking a cavalier attitude on this when we're talking about a young couple with children. I can't say I'm a big fan of cheaters when what they're doing will lead to the break up of what was otherwise a healthy functioning family supportive of the kids.

Definitely a lot harder and more complicated with young children; doesn't mean it's easy without them.

But if I were detached would I feel that way, or would I feel more indifferent? Undoubtably the latter.

You've made a lot of progress. It's a process as my IC told me.

Anger has been the toughest part of this for me. And I'm not known as someone with anger issues. But the way this happened I've felt it like I never had before.

I hear you.

I was hoping our friend Spiral would get back. We all started this thing around the first half of 2020. Hope he's doing good. That dude was born with a dominant DB gene and came across to me as a MAN firmly grounded in his own sense of masculine self-respect. I know nothing of his XW's OM but I always thought it was possible she made a life decision she could possibly regret later.

Agreed. He recently commented on some Newcomers, but it's been awhile for his own - would be nice to hear from him.

XW likes to act like the whole world is one happy family and everyone, including me, should be in constant celebration over how the universe now makes perfect sense seeing that her and OM have rightfully come together, and why not, it's only in the natural order of things.

Seems like a lot of them do, but it's pretty self-centered and oblivious to the damage they've done - maybe it's a function of how they glossed over issues in the relationship as well...until it blew.

Dating? I'm not interested in it at the moment. Really don't feel like I'm there.

Fair enough.

Take care, BL

You too, BobP. Definitely wishing you all the best.