Is there any part of this support group that is IRL? Just wondering if there is maybe a group that meets in Houston now and then.
It would give me an excuse to get out with people that understand the desire to save a marriage instead of encouraging the "opportunity to live your life".
I liked living my life with my spouse and kids and doing everything as a family. We probably "needed" and hopefully will get to a point that we "will need" more private time, but honestly, I saw that as coming anyways really quickly when we empty nest in less than three years. I just always thought I had more time to rekindle with the wife.
I think there is a competition going on that I'm just starting to see. Since the state (Texas) re-opened, my WAS has been taking my girls on lots of little outings and not sharing anything with me. It's not really a "secret", just that she might text my girls that she is almost home and if the get ready then they will go do xyz. Again mostly little stuff like get ice cream, run an errand and go out to eat. Occasionally, bigger things like go to movies. The girls are very open with what they've been doing, it was just that my wife stop including me in the conversation like was the case in the past.
However, with my work schedule (getting up at 4am and thus crashing at 8:30/9, and often being unpredictable whether I will be home at 2:30p or 5p, I didn't think much of it. After all, she was finally getting/letting the girls out of the house. They had basically been stuck at home since spring break, whereas my wife and I both go to work everyday. Now in hindsight, it appears pretty obvious that she was purposely excluding me and never once asking when I'd be home and/or available to go with. Then, I got the email...
One of the things that I have done is try to fill my time with the kids, even if we are just watching TV together. My wife and girls would binge stuff every night for the past few months. Most of which was (1) reruns of series that I saw before such as Grey's Anatomy among several others, or (2) lots of medical dramas, Chicago and Lone Star something, and good doctors, etc, or (3) reality TV reruns... I mean seriously, reality TV reruns? And they tease me about playing online video games with teenage boys and geeky old men.... well, ok, I probably deserved to be teased, but still.
In any case, one of the things that I "changed" was to always accept any invitation from my girls to watch whatever they want at the moment, even if its teen dramas, and so, now I know most of the songs to High School Musical. And, my son has gotten into it. He works at a movie theater, knows that I'm off work on Wed, so Tues is kinda my Friday night...also off Sun, so Saturday night is still Saturday night And my son's nights off are usually during the week too, so we've been catching regular movies... not new stuff, mind you. The theater is still limited, so Star Treks and Batman, for example. Tickets are very cheap and he gets free sodas as an employee.
So, as my work schedule stabilized and work hours reduced to normal levels, the kids have all clearly noticed and plan accordingly. Heading to movies tonight, about 30 minutes after my usual bedtime, and the girls have filled my day tomorrow with chauffeuring and other stuff.
So Sunday, I learned that my WAW and girls are headed to Colorado next week for vacation. The trip that my wife and I had planned before my "involuntary sabbatical", as the girls call it, and got cut short do to be restricted to in-state trips only, which is still the case. I think my daughter spilled the beans when she said "mom said that its too bad that dad can't go because he stuck in state, but this may be our last chance because [my older daughter] is going off to college". There is a kernel of truth, but still it feels like a slap in the face, as this was my dream trip with the kids versus the Disney stuff in years past. Don't get me wrong, love Disney, it was our honeymoon trip; but we've been there in several iterations and the Rockies in the summer was the one I picked that we never got around to.
And if the divorce wasn't hovering overhead, I would probably just wistfully wish them a great girls trip, which I will anyways, and then probably come write about it some more. Ugh.
I'm going to try to make my questions/responses more concise, so its not always a novel...but old habits, ya know?
I was not providing emotional support. I was detaching long before I ever knew about DB and for entirely different reasons. Actually, detaching is my major flaw in the marriage. I just passively observe and react. My philosophy was always to be the emotional rock that my spouse could lean upon. But really a rock just sits there and is soon just more background. And then the rock has needs/wants... point is that I can see how my wife got where she is.
She found a friend that also needed emotional support and they've been supporting each other because that friend's husband is deployed. And for some reason, I've suddenly become a big advocate for bringing all the troops home; actually already was, but now I'm kinda just being selfish. If the friend's spouse comes home, then my wife loses her emotional support pet, which also happens to be the one encouraging her to get-a-divorce-to-get-happy.
Somewhere, I said something about concise... point is, the when this even happens, I want to have set the stage correctly. I want to be available should she seek my support, but not pursue.
Again, I get the point of detach and GAL. But I also think that my biggest problem was being too detached from her and the family. Even following encouragement from my personal therapist that I needed to pursue some of my own independent activities separate from the family (biggest one being sailing regatta even though none of the rest of the family was ever interested in sailing). Now, I wonder if maybe that was seen by my spouse as a desire to leave? That my detachment was because I was not very interested in the family. Family is number one priority for my wife. I think that divorce is a funny way to prioritize family, but understand that she is not pursuing this logically, just trying to soothe her feelings and justify her actions.
In any case, the point of this question is how to walk the fine line. How to "detach" and GAL when that was specifically pointed out by my wife as the problem. Quote from "the email"
Quote
Reasons why this doesn’t work: You are emotionally distant, incapable of acknowledging other’s needs, you are not able to stand up for us your family and have always cherished your family of origin more than us and the commitment that should have always been there. Time and time again you have demonstrated we were not the main priority.
Now in hindsight, it appears pretty obvious that she was purposely excluding me and never once asking when I'd be home and/or available to go with. Then, I got the email...
Yes, by BD, our partner has usually been considering it for some time.
Originally Posted by ShaneG
So Sunday, I learned that my WAW and girls are headed to Colorado next week for vacation. The trip that my wife and I had planned before my "involuntary sabbatical", as the girls call it, and got cut short do to be restricted to in-state trips only, which is still the case.
That may have happened either way, but yes the timing's terrible, a lost dream, a mini-trauma.
Originally Posted by ShaneG
You are emotionally distant, incapable of acknowledging other’s needs
I see! Well, first DB'ing encourages validation, which directly addresses "acknowledging the other's needs." Read the thread on validation. Agree when you agree. If she screams, "You were never here when we needed you!", you validate "Wow, you sound really angry," and maybe "I did leave you alone for a year."
I supported you in walking away from her venting because you were arguing, but normally, it's good to actively listen to what they're saying and validate. Anger indicates attachment. Where there's attachment, there's hope. You don't want to add barriers like, she needs to go to MC to tell you things.
Now, if she's just cursing and insulting you, walk away. Also, realize she's telling you why you're firED, not why she's considering firing you. Doing those things she wanted before is often too late.
Even if your biggest problem was being too detached, you still need to detach now. Being detached will allow you to make the best decision to heal yourself and to save your marriage. If you want to do one thing to show that you are still dedicated to your marriage, keep wearing your wedding ring. If she wants to reconcile, that will be enough of a signal. Beyond that, everything is pursuit and it won't work. For me, dropping all pursuit is the only thing that has had an impact on my wife's mindset and even then only a minimal impact.
Also, the email says "we were not the main priority." That means that she feels like the kids weren't your main priority. Make them your biggest priority by far and stick to it. Your wife will see that change.
...and re-brand your "sabbatical" as your "awakening." Tell everyone that it was the best thing that ever happened to you because it showed you what was truly important in life - your family.
Cut out the video games and do something useful with your time at home instead. If we both end up enjoying the Big D, we can play video games together. But until then, we both have better things to do than waste time.
I completely agree with dropping video games. It was a way to shut down my brain but also an escape. My wife's obsession is TV. She freely admits that it is how she decompresses, whereas just watching TV let's my brain wander.
Nevertheless, I no longer want to escape and now take every moment that I can to sit in the same room with my girls as well as helping them with any other activity. However, I have noticed that my wife makes herself scarce during sentimental parts of shows. I think it shows that she still has feelings, but then again is it kinda like passive pursuit. So, I've been gently nudging the nightly TV ritual to focus more on superheroes, sci-fi, etc when I'm there and leaving them to watch heavy Grey's Anatomy drama when I go to bed.
Also, and this feels weird and even weirder as I type it, I actually get almost embarrassed an anxious watching sex scenes with my wife around. It's a little uncomfortable with my girls, but its TV-PG stuff, so its much less physical and much more emotional. With my wife in the same room, I have to concentrate not to squirm.
...and re-brand your "sabbatical" as your "awakening." Tell everyone that it was the best thing that ever happened to you because it showed you what was truly important in life - your family. -Spiral
Love that. That's the new official term, the Awakening.
Next hurdle. My older daughter just graduated high-school. Her school year ended at spring break and she missed all the typical end-of-Senior-year activities. She was able to go to graduation. But everything else including prom was cancelled.
So now that things are settling down, we are having a "prom night" for her and several of her friends at our house this weekend. Wife specifically asked me on Sunday if I wanted to help out. I wanted to scream at her. I'm always helping out in everything the kids do. Volunteered for nearly every school request for parents since they were in elementary, been on most of the field trips, and chaperoned just about everything. Even when wife and I thought we had gone overboard and tried to back off when oldest started high school, we were told clearly by all three kids that we were being stupid, so I've built props for marching band/theatre on ice/flag corps, made hutches for FFA rabbits, and even spent a year as President of the Marching Band Booster Club.
So for wife to act like I'm not usually involved...ugh. But I just said, "sure, whatever you need". But I had some second thoughts later that maybe I was too accommodating. I've got a long honey-do list for the rest of the week as well as the Saturday night even itself. Wife and I have never had any disagreement when doing stuff for the kids and I don't expect anything now. Wife tends to overextend herself when it comes to the kids and I am the one that bails her out, but if its all about the kids, then its completely different, right?
In any case, this Saturday night, I'm hosting/chaperoning Prom with my wife.....
And my son's nights off are usually during the week too, so we've been catching regular movies... not new stuff, mind you. The theater is still limited, so Star Treks and Batman, for example. Tickets are very cheap and he gets free sodas as an employee. 