At the beginning, it definitely was soul crushing. However, it really isn't soul crushing now. It's still a bummer to have been dumped and cheated on, but life is alright now. There's a tremendous freedom in being single and being in control of your own life. I am enjoying the process of GALing. Things are hard when the house is totally empty, but that doesn't happen that often. All in all, I feel like my sitch is over and we're already D'd. So, I don't spend too much time pondering what the future for us holds (which is probably an entirely separate future).
I don't think there was ever anything that I could have done to change the outcome. She decided to run away from the life we'd built together over the last twenty years, escape from its responsibilities, and pursue something entirely new. For the moment, she seems happier than she was. I'll leave you to guess if she married me young and how old she is now. I bet most of the vets already know.
And I think that everything that Sandi has written captures her mindset precisely. It did not seem that way at first, but it does now. But who knows? I don't ask and I don't need to.
Thanks for checking in and good luck on your sitch.
Actually got kind of a sense of relief reading this from you for a couple of reasons.
1. It’s good to know that it does eventually go from being something that’s soul crushing to something that’s a bummer. 2. You’re actually finding some excitement going back into the single life and being alone. 3. This one is the biggest. You’re giving yourself some peace in realizing that there is probably nothing that you could have done that would have changed the fact that your wife was going to cheat and abandon the life you guys had built together.
I spend so much of my time trying to think out if there was anything I could have done or any way I could have acted. If maybe I wasn’t such a nice guy she wouldn’t have cheated on me and wanted to divorce me but as you said maybe there’s nothing at all that I could have done and this really is just on her and it’s not about me.
Sounds like you guys got married young, exactly like we did.
Really does give me some hope to see where you’re at with your sitch. I’m sure it’s still not easy but you seem to be healing. Wish you all the best going forward and thanks for giving a young guy a bit of hope for the future when right now I’m having a hard time finding any.
Spiral - You can take this however you want...but I have wanted to post, but since I don't know anything about anything I felt I should not comment.
You have clearly been following the DB doctrine to the t, no doubt. But what about the one item MWD mentions, keep checking on what works and doesn't work. Is it working?
I think WAW and WAH are different. I see alot of WAH are married to over controlling women, or drama filled, generally a wife that is 'too' much, whether in arguing or in the husband's face a lot in some way. For WAW, I see their husbands were generally cold, non communicative, falling more on the non-emotional side, the put up or shut up mentality. Were you like this? Because if that is the case, then more of that behavior, would just repel.
I am not in your shoes, I am not in your situation - and only commenting based on what I see as a woman whose husband is very short on words or affection. The tables in my situation have turned recently - he was walking and I was wanting him back. Now, its more of a stalemate - we are both trying/considering if this will work. Anyway, when H is being cold (like just this morning) I casually mention, 'why so gruff?' and he doesn't realize that he is being that way and softens. At this point in our situation if he doesn't get that he has to be nice/communicative/kind - then I am going to walk. But the point is, being gruff and distant, is not attractive to a woman/wife that wants affection and kindness demonstratively shown daily. If that drove her to OM, do you think the hard DBing is just showing that you will never soften/change?
What I am saying is if you were gruff before, do a 180 and not be so gruff...if you want it, though it does seem like you have moved on. And the way things sound, its a done D deal at this point. So what is there to lose if you tried a different approach here?
Take it or leave it, I am constantly getting pummeled by the vets for what I do, but always appreciated advice - so I hope you can take this in the intention it was meant. One thing I do agree on, is GAL and detach, those are lifesavers!
Last edited by BlueSea; 07/13/2005:11 PM.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Your advice is certainly welcome and appreciated. My thread seems a little boring and lonely to me. But to add a little more of the backstory, in the days before BD there was plenty of affection. We traveled to some of the finest hotels, enjoyed spa treatments, room service, and drinks. We went on exciting dates and she sat near the front at her favorite concerts. I never forgot birthdays or anniversaries and had expensive (and sometimes personalized) gifts imported from Europe. I kept the cupboards stocked with her favorite things. I surprised her with flowers and I did some of the housework from time to time. I held her in my arms every night before bed and told her I loved her and wanted to spend forever with her more than once a day. All in all, I thought that we had a fairy tale lifestyle and that we were happily married until something started to seem off in the last 60 to 90 days. Of course, I had to work hard to maintain our lifestyle and spent too much time at work (which was her chief complaint). So, the current approach is a 180 and probably came as a complete surprise to her.
I'm sure she'd love to get back to having me treat her the way that I used to and I'm sure the only thing she really wanted to change about her life was to swap out her boring and responsible old husband for her new and exciting boyfriend. So, I have my doubts about anything resembling pursuit and think that she needs to lose me entirely. That's why I decided to try to DB my way to a reconciliation.
Of course, it doesn't seem to be working at all and I have nothing to lose in terms of my marriage by changing my approach. But hasn't the time for a new approach come and gone? This was the last resort technique and there's nothing left to try. Now, she's deep into the honeymoon phase with OM and the day for the D will come and go long before that phase ends. And from what I can see, OM is putting a massive effort into building her a new fairy tale. So, with that in mind, what do you think?
Reading that last post was like reading a book written about my marriage. Traveling, enjoying events, spa treatments, picking up her favorite things, flowers, helping out with housework, holding her in my arms telling her how much I loved her and how happy I was to be spending the rest of my life with her and her telling me all the same things. I am with you when you say that you thought you had a fairy tale marriage. I did too.
Just like you, I see my wife trading out the responsible, loving husband for an exciting new boyfriend and yes she seems to be in the honeymoon phase with the OM.
That is too easy an exit...."wife trading out the responsible, loving husband for an exciting new boyfriend". There is more to it than this. Its going to take some introspection to understand what were the motives behind her leaving. I have had a lot of time to understand what growth I need to be a better person and better partner.
Spiral, you had mentioned she had a complaint about you working too late/often and then you brushed it off with "Of course, I had to work hard to maintain our lifestyle"...so there is a piece to that puzzle. You listed off a lot of things as your expression of love, and it seemed that they were mostly action/service oriented - and on paper this sounds great - but was this HER love language that she wanted/needed?
I am not trying to point any blame here at all - I would be the last to do this - but I don't think it had to do with you being too responsible or too boring (sounds like you both did a lot). There are always 2 perceptions to one reality. Be astute, what do you see the OM offering her as far as efforts in building his fairy-tale with her?
You may not do anything with this info for this R (possibly) - but knowing the why will help you for you and your next R. From what I heard from my WAH, during all this, we are very much still on their minds - they may not show it - but there is guilt there and internal conflict. Never give up. Just start thinking what it could have been, and sincerely apologize for it - once - and no more, and go back to your DB. Apologize for the long hours at work complaint, in passing - "I am sorry that I spent so much time at work, I knew that it bothered you because you wanted me to be at home with you more, just wanted you to know that, so sorry". That's it.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I don't think that it will take too much introspection to understand what the motives behind her leaving were and what I need to do to be a better partner. I think I already know. A few years ago, she used to say that she didn't feel like she was my number one priority and that she felt like I wasn't present. And she was absolutely right. It is something that I tried to hard to change by working less and focusing more of my attention on her. Right after I found out what was happening, I did ask her about those very issues and she said that I had done a great job over the last few years but that it was too little too late. She even said that she'd never felt as loved as she had during the last few years.
But I'm not sure how I feel about apologizing. It would be one thing if she'd walked out because of the issues a few years ago. However, that's not what happened at all.
My thread was similar, but I think it had more to do with me (and you) DB'ing pretty well. People read our updates and don't have much to add. The active threads tend to have LBS's that struggle with DB principles. I think your situation is similar to mine in that the divorce will happen before the affects of the honeymoon with the OM wear off. It feels like a helpless situation.
That being said, I'm now 1 1/2 years post-divorce, and life is good. I have been dating somebody for 10 months who is much better for me than my XW had become. At least, she seems that way now. Life on the other side can be good, if you let it.
...life is already pretty good. My efforts to GAL have really picked up steam and my sitch isn't really much of a bummer anymore. If you let go, you start moving on rather quickly. I had a lot of fun in July that I would not have had otherwise. And I'm starting to be excited about finding out what life is like on the other side.
As far as the sitch goes, nothing has changed and the countdown goes on.
Life on the other side can be good, if you let it.