You couldn't just give her the space she was asking for because of fear of giving her too much space. This is never, ever, ever a problem, and it's the biggest challenge people here face. Contacting her and pursuing her is the same challenge people face if they're trying to quit smoking and sitting in front of a table covered in cigarettes. It's just so easy to do. You know you shouldn't, you know it isn't good for you, but you want to *so badly* that you can convince yourself that it's okay to pursue.
That's what the "my giving her space is allowing her to get over me and date other people" argument really is, it's your brain trying to convince you that it's okay to pursue her because that's what you really, really, really want to do.
It won't work, it will make things worse, don't do it. Recognize that you're freaking out and grasping at straws and that's okay. You feel like you're drowning and you're looking for a life line. Don't do it.
The number one challenge with this method is discipline, most people simply lack the self-discipline to do it. If self discipline were easy everyone would be thin and fit.
She wants space, you're being the best partner you can be by giving it to her.
If you ignore what she wants, you're asserting that you know better, you're going to disregard what she's asked for and assert what you want instead. How do you think that will end?
I do want to be open and helpful w/r/t the legal separation because of our historical issues of working together on things (show a 180) and her literally saying that how we communicate and handle that process will tell her a lot. I know, I know - believe her actions, not words.
Hi SteveS,
You say you "know" this, but asking her for words implies you don't believe it applies to you or her.
Are you eager for Divorce or Legal Separation? If yes, then working with her to do that is great. Otherwise, another DB maxim is to let the WAS do the legwork. Don't help them achieve that which you don't want. Open the cage door, but don't push them out, or place treats outside it (with help and generous terms).
I don't think WAW wants that right now, and I certainly don't. I can't speak to her logic, other than to repeat what she's said, which is that she wants to get the legal separation in place such that she understands the lay of the land. Beyond that I don't have much of an answer. Optimistically I could say that if she wanted to get a D, she would say that and be moving towards it. She's never said it and isn't taking any direct action towards that.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Are you eager for Divorce or Legal Separation?
I wouldn't say I'm eager for it - certainly not D - but not having a legal separation in place does impact me financially in a way I'd like to get resolved, and I also believe not having one is causing us to be in this protracted limbo purgatory. But I am obviously very aware that I likely won't like what's on the other side of the mountain.
I think where I failed here - apart from reaching out - is that I'm taking the 180s too literally. It is indeed a 180 for me to help organize our finances, show teamwork, and stay on top of them. But you're right that I'm doing the legwork here towards an outcome that I don't want.
Sigh, this is hard. One step forward, two steps back.
What is she gaining by legally separating as opposed to D?
In New York, a legal separation document can be used as a framework for the divorce settlement after one year. So by having a legal separation agreement in place - in addition to having a legal document forcing us to a certain budget and certain rules of spending - you can avoid a painful, protracted, and contentious divorce process if that's what you decide to do.
It's only enforceable a year after the document is signed and notarized, so she can't just turn around and D on those terms. If either one of us in the months before that decides that D is what we want, we'd go through the process as if that separation document didn't exist.
Optimistically, she gets a legal document that organizes our spending, which has long been a concern of hers. And it's a way for her to understand what the ramifications of D would be without having to be fully ready to make that decision.
Pessimistically, it's a way of having discussions about separating assets while there's still a glimmer of hope, as opposed to during the D process when it's not likely to be as amicable.
Just doing some journaling. I'm re-reading NMMNG and going through some exercises, and I came across a section in the book around attachments to certain outcomes. I wanted just to use this space to work out some of my thinking on the subject.
When I think about my M, I was very attached to the mere outcome of being a successful, happy, loving couple. Or to put it another way, the validation that it gave me. I love(d) my WAW very much, but it was also fulfilling an external need for me - other people would see me with a cute wife who loves me and think "Wow, he's got it going on." That was very important to me. And of course, the love of my WAW was very valuable and fulfilling to me, to such an extent that I covert-contracted, hid things, and lied due to my fear of losing that validation and love. Marriage is the ultimate validation, right? Out of everyone in the world, this person chose me to unconditionally love and be as close with as two humans can be.
And so without that, I feel lost. That attachment caused me to be inflexible to any kinds of change or mistakes or deviations from that course. That need (and other issues) overpowered the relationship, which caused me to feel like a failure due to the failed outcome.
And now I'm again putting my eggs into the R basket, because I feel like I'll be happier in a reconciled marriage. That might be true, but it's also true that I'm going to survive no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine no matter what happens, and that pain is sometimes a part of life and that's OK.
It's hard for me to reconcile these thoughts at times: I want very much to R, but how can I aspire to that without being emotionally attached to the outcome, and do I want to R fo the right reasons?
Hi all. I'll get to some journaling later - not much has changed, honestly - but I'm having a tough day today as it's WAS's birthday and it's impossible not to ruminate on that. I'm deciding whether or not I should say something. She didn't on mine (we separated June 19, my birthday was October) and it really stung, but I also believe that two wrongs don't necessarily make it right.
Well, do you want her in your life if even only as a friend?
You cannot control how she responds to anything you do. Just because you decide to do something other than NG behavior doesn't mean you are punishing her.
