You seem like a very successful guy who does well in life. Why are you so obsessed with a woman who has fired as her husband, is on dating websites and didn't acknowledge your birthday?
You don't even have children together. I would really like to hear your answer.
Well, do you want her in your life if even only as a friend?
You cannot control how she responds to anything you do. Just because you decide to do something other than NG behavior doesn't mean you are punishing her.
Good point. I feel like every time that I go back and forth on reaching out vs. not reaching out, I do and I end up wishing I didn't.
Hi SteveS, a week from tomorrow is my W's birthday. I have no intention of wishing her a Happy Birthday. Although she was pleasant enough this past Sunday during a dog swap, she didn't wish me a happy Father's Day as she never failed to do in the past. She fired me as her husband and there is no other choice but to move on, and that would include not looking for opportunities to reach out when there is nothing to gain from doing it. She has an OM to do the birthday wishing for this year. My birthday gift to her this year will be for me to not do what she's probably afraid I will do, wish her a Happy Birthday.
Looks like it's been about a month since I checked in. Not a lot of progress in regards to my situation, but I'd say generally it's been two steps forward, one step back so far as my own personal progress.
I've been re-reading NMMNG, this time through really taking the time to complete the exercises, as silly as some of them might feel. Right now in my place there's a bunch of post-its around with things like "You will survive this!"; I know it's kind of hokey and cheesy, but they've been helpful just as a reminder to have visible. While I still have a lot of work to do on detachment, I do feel a little more at peace with things and certainly I have every belief that no matter what happens, I'll be fine and that my best days are ahead of me.
I was relaying to my therapist the other day that if anything, I've found myself feeling anger more than ever before. I'm not usually an angry guy - NMMNG alert! - and even when the separation happened, I really never felt angry, I was heartbroken and very guilty about how I contributed to the situation. But I have definitely noticed more anger: I feel like she lied to me when she wanted space and not to give up and I feel like she's being unfair with how she's handled her side of this. This anger isn't manifesting in anything unhealthy, at least in my view -- it's really just helping me see things for what they are, and have a more realistic view of my situation.
As far as the situation itself, nothing to report, really. We talk over text every other week or so, started by her, usually about logistics. I have noticed her checking on my social media more, but I'm not going to let myself read anything into that at all. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated with where we are, but I'm trying to tell myself as a type this that I can't control anything other than myself, and how I manage my own life. As I've said a few times, I sort of just assume that one day I'll wake up and not want to do it any more; I do believe I'll always love her but that doesn't mean I can stay in this place forever. For now, keep working towards a healthier me and things will resolve on their own time, one way or another.
You are getting angry because it's part of the stages of grief and it comes after denial. My guess is seeing her on the dating websites triggered that to happen. What she is doing is a classic case of hypergamy (Google) while you are sitting on the side lines. If you want to change your situation you need to display high value and not waiting in the wings for her to comeback. As long as you have hope your feelings won't change until she finds your replacement.
Looks like it's been about a month since I checked in. Not a lot of progress in regards to my situation, but I'd say generally it's been two steps forward, one step back so far as my own personal progress.
I've been re-reading NMMNG, this time through really taking the time to complete the exercises, as silly as some of them might feel. Right now in my place there's a bunch of post-its around with things like "You will survive this!"; I know it's kind of hokey and cheesy, but they've been helpful just as a reminder to have visible. While I still have a lot of work to do on detachment, I do feel a little more at peace with things and certainly I have every belief that no matter what happens, I'll be fine and that my best days are ahead of me.
I was relaying to my therapist the other day that if anything, I've found myself feeling anger more than ever before. I'm not usually an angry guy - NMMNG alert! - and even when the separation happened, I really never felt angry, I was heartbroken and very guilty about how I contributed to the situation. But I have definitely noticed more anger: I feel like she lied to me when she wanted space and not to give up and I feel like she's being unfair with how she's handled her side of this. This anger isn't manifesting in anything unhealthy, at least in my view -- it's really just helping me see things for what they are, and have a more realistic view of my situation.
As far as the situation itself, nothing to report, really. We talk over text every other week or so, started by her, usually about logistics. I have noticed her checking on my social media more, but I'm not going to let myself read anything into that at all. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated with where we are, but I'm trying to tell myself as a type this that I can't control anything other than myself, and how I manage my own life. As I've said a few times, I sort of just assume that one day I'll wake up and not want to do it any more; I do believe I'll always love her but that doesn't mean I can stay in this place forever. For now, keep working towards a healthier me and things will resolve on their own time, one way or another.
Steve, I see you at a critical juncture in your sitch. It is now over 13 months since BD. And a year since separation. At this point I feel like you are stuck. I hate to see LBS that are stuck.
So what do you want? Do want to keep waiting for her? Do you want to move on with your life? If not now, at what point?
In my sitch I had set a 1 year date post BD. (Since it was 12/23, I set 1/4 as the day I would go file for D and move on with my life if she hadn't recommitted.)
I think this is important Steve. I really do not think in 3-5 years after BD that you want to look back and realize you wasted so much time waiting for her. I've been open about a multi-decade, on-again off-again relationship I had that really had me stuck and stymied. For years. It is not something I look back on fondly about myself. And I really wish I had respected myself enough to have pull the plug on it very early on and moved on with my life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You seem like a very successful guy who does well in life. Why are you so obsessed with a woman who has fired as her husband, is on dating websites and didn't acknowledge your birthday?
You don't even have children together. I would really like to hear your answer.
BTW U is right you have NGS big time.
It's a fair question, and one that's hard to answer. I do still love her. But it's also true that I struggle very much with abandonment (adopted, very chaotic upbringing) and low self-esteem. I'm working on it as diligently as I can with my therapist.
And yep, NMMNG was like reading a biography. Working on that too.
To answer your question, no, I didn't send the text. I figured that the last few times I came to this board in a similar situation, I was advised not to, I did anyway, and felt foolish afterward. So I didn't.
Steve, I see you at a critical juncture in your sitch. It is now over 13 months since BD. And a year since separation. At this point I feel like you are stuck. I hate to see LBS that are stuck.
So what do you want? Do want to keep waiting for her? Do you want to move on with your life? If not now, at what point?
In my sitch I had set a 1 year date post BD. (Since it was 12/23, I set 1/4 as the day I would go file for D and move on with my life if she hadn't recommitted.)
I think this is important Steve. I really do not think in 3-5 years after BD that you want to look back and realize you wasted so much time waiting for her. I've been open about a multi-decade, on-again off-again relationship I had that really had me stuck and stymied. For years. It is not something I look back on fondly about myself. And I really wish I had respected myself enough to have pull the plug on it very early on and moved on with my life.
I hear you, but I'd feel a lot more stuck if I weren't so actively trying to work my NMMNG issues, working my therapist, etc. to improve my overall emotional and mental health moving forward. At least right now I can 100% say that I don't feel that whatever's next for me will be fraught with the same issues.
At the same time, that's actually also part of what's holding me back: I really do believe things would be different in a reconciliation, and it's hard for me to look past the connection that we still very much have.
It's hard to answer any questions on timing. Like I said, I always just figured that I'd wake up one day and either not want to do it, or no longer have the option. I certainly don't think it will be or want it to be 3-5 years. I do believe 100% that I will find love again, someone I'll love as much, and a relationship that will be as meaningful to me.
I guess long story short, I don't really have an answer. And to a reply above, I think that the feelings I'm feeling are a result of me turning the corner a little bit.
Thank you for the honest answers and I think it's great you working on the issues with a therapist.
Ultimately your fear of abandonment caused you to hold on too tight in your relationship which caused you to act desperate and needy which drove her away after 2.25 years. Just reaffirming your fears. ([censored] how that works) Then she goes out for a run and you just by chance run into her and then text her later to go out on a date. She starts to feel like you're suffocating her again so she backs off and doesn't respond.
Again, its best if you recognize the dynamic while your working on it in therapy and give her as much space as you possible can. She will not try to reconnect with you again until she feels that it is safe.
Thank you for the honest answers and I think it's great you working on the issues with a therapist.
Ultimately your fear of abandonment caused you to hold on too tight in your relationship which caused you to act desperate and needy which drove her away after 2.25 years. Just reaffirming your fears. ([censored] how that works) Then she goes out for a run and you just by chance run into her and then text her later to go out on a date. She starts to feel like you're suffocating her again so she backs off and doesn't respond.
Again, its best if you recognize the dynamic while your working on it in therapy and give her as much space as you possible can. She will not try to reconnect with you again until she feels that it is safe.
Thank you. Yes, I'm definitely working on exactly this in therapy. It's all interconnected, as you alluded: my fear of abandonment drove my NGS, which drove the lack of boundaries and the lack of trust, which became an impossible hurdle to overcome.
I'm frustrated with it, because it's been an issue all of my life, and it's just in such stark contrast to my professional life. When I read an article on high-value men, I recognize myself in all of them from a professional standpoint (driven, leader of men, etc.) but almost none of them personally. At least not yet!
The sad truth is that it's probably too late to ever convince WAS that I'm a different person now than I was in M -- and I really do believe that I am -- or that what we had can be repaired. Maybe in another life, I guess. But the work I'm doing will pay off down the road; I never, ever want to go through this level of heartbreak ever again.
