Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3)

[Ready2Change]

I miss scuba diving. One of the most amazing things to do. The biggest issue I have is the limit time you can be down.

[funbun]

I woke up earlier than I should today and couldn't fall back to sleep. I found myself ruminating on the situation that I am in. My ruminations led me to read old text conversations that I had with my Ex when I broke up with her three years ago (this Ex is the one before STBXW, whom I had 11 years of R with).

I realized that the mentality that I had at that time is most likely the same as what STBXW right now. The same script was there "ILYBIDLY", "You deserve better", "this R is not worth saving", "You'll just waste your time and you're better off finding someone else", "I am done", etc. I still remember how I felt at the time when I wanted to end my R with my Ex. I remember how determined I was to exit. She begged and reasoned, but nothing could change my mind. She went NC on me, and three months after checked in on me but nothing's changed. I had tunnel vision and my mind was set only on one thing: an out and to move to a new R with STBXW.

My Ex was good to me. We lasted for 11 years after all. But the fact is, our R was becoming dull, she became too comfortable and I was slowly losing my attraction to her. Couple that with my developing feelings with STBXW, who back then was this shiny pretty funny interesting new person. I tried to keep the fire burning with my Ex, but after a year of trying, I had to make a decision.

To her I was selfish to decide to end things abruptly. I was an a$$h*le. I know. I felt guilty. I remember being cold to her and was avoiding her confrontations or anything that made me uncomfortable.

The same thing is now happening to me 3 years after. It feels like karma.

So I can understand what STBXW is going through. We had a difficult R before M. She was slowly losing attraction because of the arguments that kept repeating. Tried her best to keep the flame going. She was getting tired. Deep down she feels something is wrong, but she felt that she is in too deep and couldn't pull out. She was hoping, maybe, just maybe, once we're married, she would finally find her happiness. We married. She still wasn't feeling happy for reasons that I won't know. She broke down, couldn't take it anymore and wanted out to save herself from further unhappiness.

She's determined to exit this M to save herself. Nothing can stop her. To her, this is a mission for the greater good. To her, her feelings are valid. Who am I to deny her feelings? She's on a warpath. So the best thing I can do, let go, go out of her way, and let her go on this journey of hers. I know she feels lost, and so what I can do is to let her find her answers on her own. Who knows what she'll find at the end, but I wish her the best.

Just like me three years ago, I wanted more. I went on a journey to find happiness, but that lead me to further unhappiness. In truth, what I've been looking for was right in front of me all along. To be happy is to be grateful. I wanted to fill in the emptiness I feel in my heart. I felt like I don't have enough. I didn't have an abundance mindset. All this time, I just needed gratitude. I should've known that what I had was enough, and furthermore, that I was enough.

I understand better now. This journey is one that I had to take: I had to break up with my Ex, this sitch has to happen, otherwise I wouldn't learn this lesson. If you ask me if I regretted marrying STBXW, I don't. The D will happen tomorrow. I will think of it like a badge of honor, a scar that represents the battles I fought, survived and grown.

[funbun]

funbun, the one thing I'm so glad I learned in my sitch was to not sit and wait for anyone. Your STBXW knows she could snap her fingers at any time and have you back. That is called power. And you've done nothing in all this time to take her power away. Attraction for women begins with respect. Until you start commanding respect not only won't you attract her, but you'll never attract another woman either...

Steve, it was a game of attraction all along wasn't it. I knew it was, but I didn't understand.

I understand better now.

My game plan on D-day is to be respectful to everyone, handle things gracefully, and uphold my boundaries if needed. I can get sad, it is a difficult time after all, but I'll make sure to stay classy. To me, this is an attractive way to end things.

Who is this attraction for? STBXW? Maybe. Or maybe to potential future partners, when I tell this story to them. That I am a man that handled his divorce gracefully. That sounds nice to me.

[funbun]

The deed is done.

D is finalized.

My parents were present to offer support. Hers too. She cried when D was announced by the judge. I managed to keep myself composed at all times.

Outside the court, I said my farewells again to her parents. To her, I said the 5 things my counselor suggested I should say for my closure: "I am angry", "I am sorry", "I will miss you from time to time", "thank you", and finally "goodbye".

It's strange how normal it seemed afterwards. After the court, I went to get brunch with my parents, then went grocery shopping, and took a well deserved nap as I got home. Like the D never even happened. Strange. Life goes on, as they say.

I am feeling fine at the moment. There is a sense of relief. A sense of sadness. I'll see how I'll feel later and in a couple of days. I know the wound is there. It's not hurting much, but I'll pace myself. Taking it one day at a time.

I'm gonna remove her from all my SM accounts and I'm going to burn her old pictures tomorrow.

I am proud of myself with how I handled everything. I never begged. I never ugly cry. I never did anything out of bitterness and spite. It was a peaceful D.

I wanna talk more, but I want to rest. I have a meeting with a friend later for hi-tea.

[SteveLW]

Well done. And I am not surprised it was anti-climactic. I tell LBSs all the time, D is just a legal thing. Your marriage was over on BD. LBSs don't get that, and they tie so much significance to the D! WASs can leave, start relationships with OP, etc.....and LBSs still struggle with "I don't want a D!" So please start paying it forward funbun. Start helping others here. Use your experience above to show that D can be a new beginning, it doesn't have to be just an ending.

Admit it funbun, there is a side of you that feels that a weight has been lifted. Am I right? And guess what, as time goes by, as you continue to let go, as you continue to do the cathartic (blocking her on SM, burning her pics, etc) that feeling of lightness will become stronger and stronger!!

I've told you before, she actually, whether you see it or not, did you a favor. I've seen Ws that didn't really want to marry their Hs, but did for various reasons, drag it out afterward for quite a longtime. Just think, this happened in November. We are in August, and you are free to move on and heal. If she had held on for a year, your pain would be 3 months away yet. Your lives would have been even more intertwined. Possible having a house together, etc. All that would mean that your pain would be extended, and you would be going through it all a year older.

funbun, you got this man! You are going to live and thrive, and have a great life. I know it.