uzer, I think that your situation is one of the unique ones, where traditional techniques may not work or need to be adjusted. I am not expert on autism, but I do know that there are broad arrays of autism. That there is a spectrum. From severly autistic to mildly autistic. A lot of people think "Rainman" but that was more of a severe case, right? I am guessing your husband is not to that level, but is on spectrum.
So yes, some of the DBing techniques may not be tolerated as well. I agree you certainly do not want to send him into panic attacks and the like. However, I would believe that getting really really good at listening and validating would pay dividends.
The R talk rule is pretty straight-forward. Never initiate them. And when your WAS does, listen and validate. That seems to be an approach that can work well in your sitch. I would really study "Listen and validate" and get really good at it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
uzer, I think that your situation is one of the unique ones, where traditional techniques may not work or need to be adjusted. I am not expert on autism, but I do know that there are broad arrays of autism. That there is a spectrum. From severly autistic to mildly autistic. A lot of people think "Rainman" but that was more of a severe case, right? I am guessing your husband is not to that level, but is on spectrum.
You are correct on it being a spectrum. A few years ago, he would have been labeled with Asperger's, but they now consider that "high functioning" or level 1 Autism. For him, it mostly shows up in sensory issues, black and white thinking, and difficulty processing and understanding emotions and subtext. He's highly intelligent but not so much in emotional intelligence.
Originally Posted by Steve85
The R talk rule is pretty straight-forward. Never initiate them. And when your WAS does, listen and validate. That seems to be an approach that can work well in your sitch. I would really study "Listen and validate" and get really good at it.
Right, and I have followed that save for a slip up months ago, shortly after DDay. He's the one initiating relationship talks. Sometimes it's outright, and sometimes he will connect another topic to our relationship. I definitely will look over that again; thank you for the reminder. I'm also reading more on communication in general, just to make sure I'm doing everything I can to promote mutual understanding.
I was referring to the rule of avoiding all relationship talks until there is some sort of reconciliation talk, although I can't remember if that was a rule I found here on in the book or both. He tends to process internally then verbally, repeat a few times, then he takes action. I figure it would be better if he did this with me, since I can actually confirm my own feelings and thoughts...versus someone else who is simply guessing.
Just an update. Things continued in the same way for a bit, but eventually his anxiety was so bad that I have pretty much cut contact. He clung and fought back initially, but he's calmed down now. I literally think my life would be better without him right now. I literally think the kids would be better off without him. He's just so emotional and sensitive. I have tons of empathy for him. I feel awful that he can't handle stress or change or the list of things that are a problem for him. But his actions have become irresponsible and harmful. The bottom line is that he's causing more damage than good. We're still living together but split time with the kids. No family stuff. I did invite him to a Halloween party the kids and I are attending. I pitied him, which feels gross. He said thanks, and I'm expecting him to not go. He's withdrawn from everyone except coworkers. Anyways, I can't see this lasting much past the holidays. So, yay acceptance?
The kids are increasingly angry with him, and it's really difficult to just listen and not engage. Other than that, everything has improved. We've all strengthened our relationships with family and friends. We spend more quality time together. I have a social life again. Work is great. It's actually sad that everything but this one area is better. But it is what it is.
