On the second point, yeah, as I find myself feeling more anger about the situation, this certainly comes up a lot. I wasn't perfect by any means, but two years is a very, very short amount of time. (It's actually the root of my embarrassment and hurt over the situation, to be honest.) I don't think she by any means gave everything she had to making it work.
Steve, as a person who has almost a similar sitch with you, I feel your frustration. We feel that our W didn’t give the M a fair chance. Maybe we can prove them wrong. However, you probably understand by now, it’s their issue and we shouldn’t entirely put the burden of the blame on ourselves. Tell me, where does this feeling of embarrassment come from? Is it shame because you feel that you failed to keep your marriage alive?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
WAW is still very cordial, pleasant, and almost friendly. (As am I.) She is still sticking to the separation agreement. I spoke to my lawyer earlier today before the call and she took the position that separation agreements are pretty meaningless and are almost always ignored by the family courts here in Brooklyn. The logic remains the same: until she feels like she's got a better understanding of the lay of the land, it's hard for her to work through the ambivalence etc etc etc etc.
We are pretty far apart on a few things. Most notably, how much she is entitled to of the company I sold while we were together but not married, as well as how much she is entitled to of the company I started after we separated. She thinks 25% of both. I am 0% on the latter -- because it is absurd that she would be entitled to something that I started after she left me -- but on the former, I'm torn. Legally, my lawyer believes that any judge would say that it's 0%, or close to it. Ethically, even though we weren't married, I cannot sit here and say that she wasn't an ingredient in its success; we were living together, she was emotionally supportive, and there for me in a very mentally taxing time.
How that manifests in a number is something I'll have to noodle on. My NGS would tell me to capitulate and be pliant to her position. I am instead going to take the approach of doing what is best for me, while also one that I feel is in accordance to what I feel is ethically and morally fair.
I'll need some time to let my thoughts and emotions settle, but I'm in a good place.
I'll also share a funny story with you, while I'm here. I was on a Zoom call with my lawyer, as we were wrapping up, she noticed that I was a bit emotional and she said, "Hey -- let me also give you some non-legal advice, from someone who has seen it all. You're young, successful, and well-spoken. NYC is your oyster, it's the single woman's capital of the world. I see it everyday, a parade of equally attractive, equally successful women coming into my office every day who would be dying to meet someone like you."
It was a great message to receive at a time when I needed a boost. And great perspective to chew on over the next few days.
Steve ~ I vote for 0%, especially on the company you started post-S, but I understand your desire to chew things over. I'm guessing for the company you sold you can factor in the cost of litigating/mediating vs. just closing the issue.
One question I've never asked you: Do you think your WAW is cordial and friendly just because of her good nature, or do you think she may be aware of your NGS and use that to her advantage? My STBXW often tries to use my desire to "keep the peace" as a subtle form of leverage as we work out our split-up.
What your L said at the end is 100% true. It's not a pick-me-up. It's a fact. I hope you believe it.
One question I've never asked you: Do you think your WAW is cordial and friendly just because of her good nature, or do you think she may be aware of your NGS and use that to her advantage? My STBXW often tries to use my desire to "keep the peace" as a subtle form of leverage as we work out our split-up.
It's hard to know. I think it's a fair question to ask. My gut response would be that I don't think it's conscious or malicious, but I don't think it's zero, either. And further, I don't even know if I'd even blame her for it -- it's my issue.
The other factor here is that both she and I saw very, very ugly divorces between our respective parents, both sets of whom despised each other. We both have said how much we want to avoid that.
One question I've never asked you: Do you think your WAW is cordial and friendly just because of her good nature, or do you think she may be aware of your NGS and use that to her advantage? My STBXW often tries to use my desire to "keep the peace" as a subtle form of leverage as we work out our split-up.
It's hard to know. I think it's a fair question to ask. My gut response would be that I don't think it's conscious or malicious, but I don't think it's zero, either. And further, I don't even know if I'd even blame her for it -- it's my issue.
I completely understand.
What you can control is making sure you prioritize your needs. If things can remain cordial, that's great, but it absolutely should not be the priority. She may be trying to meet her needs, in a cordial way (based on her family history), and knows how to accomplish both because you are a NG.
I will also say, when you start standing up more for yourself, you will get a backlash. You really have to be centered and grounded to have the strength and courage to stick with it. I am always fighting my inner nature to want to keep the peace.
