You seem like a great guy man. Been reading through your sitch.
I agree its probably not productive to think about why W is doing what shes doing. Every time I do it in my sitch it throws me into a rabbit hole that never leads anywhere but feeling depressed.
My wife also left after two years. Its a tough thing to understand. I think thats where it helps realizing we may never know why but accepting whats happened and realizing we can only control ourselves. ( This is also advice for myself because I'm struggling with all of it.)
I guess it doesn't really matter. As UC said, it's probably not all that productive to spend time thinking about why she's acting the way she is.
Steve the challenge for you is to embrace that you may never know exactly what happened with W. She may never know what happened either, and you need to accept that on face value. Some things can't be explained.
This can create tremendous anxiety because you can't guarantee that it won't happen again.
So what can you do? First, figure out how to be okay not being in a relationship. If you do that, you don't need the relationship, you're there because you want to be. Secondly, figure out how to "bring it" and be a partner only a fool would leave. If you do that, and you know you're bringing it, then if they leave you it is their loss and you know that, and don't have any regrets.
You can get there, and you'll be fine.
"Having your needs met" is a tricky business. Just like complaints, there are things your spouse should do for you, and there are things you should be able to do for yourself.
If you take something you should be able to do for yourself, like have healthy self-esteem, and assign your partner responsibility for that, it causes things to start to break down.
i.e. "I need you to tell me you love me and buy me a gift every day so I feel good about myself" may be an unspoken expectation of a low self-esteem spouse.
If the partner fails to deliver, they'll get increasingly resentful and blame the fact that they don't feel good about themselves on their spouse for not meeting their needs.
If an impartial judge was involved, they might be able to right away point out that those expectations are unreasonable, and really the person needs to do the work to feel good about themselves without a daily "I love you" and a gift.
Sadly such judges are in short supply and generally unwelcome. We can do what we can to provide for our spouses' needs, but we need to stop short of becoming emotional caretakers, or codependent crutches in order to maintain healthy boundaries.
Unfortunately this dynamic tends to play out unspoken, and with low self-awareness, which is why we find ourselves here, and why marriage is so difficult!
The majority of the battle is getting emotionally healthy ourselves, and that is firmly within our control. This is a one-sided description of the dynamic that's going on. The presumption is that the husband is happy and having his needs met while this is going on, but that's rarely the case. Both happiness and misery are contagious.
So what can you do? First, figure out how to be okay not being in a relationship. If you do that, you don't need the relationship, you're there because you want to be. Secondly, figure out how to "bring it" and be a partner only a fool would leave. If you do that, and you know you're bringing it, then if they leave you it is their loss and you know that, and don't have any regrets.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Am I "okay" not being in relationship? Sure. Being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship that isn't working, every time. I get to do what I want, eat what I want, go where I want, and focus on my needs.
With that said - and this is probably exacerbated by the virus - it's also very lonely for me right now. I'm not seeing my friends as much nor am I going to the office, so my levels of just general human interaction are way off. I'm also generally someone who enjoys the pure companionship and partnership of a relationship quite a bit, so not having someone to share a common life with has been a tough adjustment. But I absolutely agree that now isn't the time for me to go jumping into something else. This is the time for me to keep working on myself and doubling down on the great progress I've made.
There's a weird irony to this, which is that the S has forced me to really confront and work on my issues (NGS, etc.), but I'll never get a chance to apply those to the M that was damaged by those issues. That's a tough one to get over for me, because I really do believe that I'm a different person and that things that were working would still work and the things that weren't, I now have answers for. It doesn't help that she lives five minutes away, and there's a chance I run into her every single time I step outside.
Anyway, in tactical news, my lawyer advised me to file for divorce in order to stop the accrual of shared assets (ie: the continuing growth of my new company), but only serve her papers if that's what I truly want. I have 120 days to do so. To say that I'm ambivalent is an understatement. I don't believe in ultimatums, but that feels what it's coming down to - either she works on this, or we D.
There's a weird irony to this, which is that the S has forced me to really confront and work on my issues (NGS, etc.), but I'll never get a chance to apply those to the M that was damaged by those issues.
How are you so sure you will NEVER get a chance to show your W your new changes?
Originally Posted by SteveS
I don't believe in ultimatums, but that feels what it's coming down to - either she works on this, or we D.
Sounds more like a boundary and not an ultimatum. You will not be in a marriage that doesn't include sex, intimacy, support etc. etc. etc
Have you tried virtual calls with your friends? I do this from time to time to combat the loneliness.
I also wish I had the chance to apply my NGS lessons to my MR. Well... actually in my case I'm happy at this point to be moving on. But I understand where you are coming from. This is how life works... we grow and learn and can't go back and change things.
I concur with your L. Perhaps now you have some insight into why she hasn't filed? I don't know, but I assure you that you do not fully understand what your WAW is thinking.
What I wouldn't do is make an ultimatum. That's an attempt to control.
Anyway, in tactical news, my lawyer advised me to file for divorce in order to stop the accrual of shared assets (ie: the continuing growth of my new company), but only serve her papers if that's what I truly want. I have 120 days to do so. To say that I'm ambivalent is an understatement. I don't believe in ultimatums, but that feels what it's coming down to - either she works on this, or we D.
You be creative if you need to. You can always take out the value she accrues in the new company from the amount you thought she deserved in the old company in which she has no legal right to. Don't let this hang you up.
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There's a weird irony to this, which is that the S has forced me to really confront and work on my issues (NGS, etc.), but I'll never get a chance to apply those to the M that was damaged by those issues. That's a tough one to get over for me, because I really do believe that I'm a different person and that things that were working would still work and the things that weren't, I now have answers for. It doesn't help that she lives five minutes away, and there's a chance I run into her every single time I step outside.
That is out of your hands so IMO don't worry about it.
What is open up in NYC? No events, bars, etc? Can you just go hang with friends and make some food? Any new hobbies? Get a smoker and start doing that. It takes time and attention.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
How are you so sure you will NEVER get a chance to show your W your new changes?
I'm not. I'm sure she sees it to some degree already. But I'm trying to be very careful relative to my expectations, and expect that things won't work out.
Originally Posted by LH19
Sounds more like a boundary and not an ultimatum. You will not be in a marriage that doesn't include sex, intimacy, support etc. etc. etc
I have a heard time understanding the difference. Can you elucidate it for me?
Have you tried virtual calls with your friends? I do this from time to time to combat the loneliness.
I also wish I had the chance to apply my NGS lessons to my MR. Well... actually in my case I'm happy at this point to be moving on. But I understand where you are coming from. This is how life works... we grow and learn and can't go back and change things.
I concur with your L. Perhaps now you have some insight into why she hasn't filed? I don't know, but I assure you that you do not fully understand what your WAW is thinking.
What I wouldn't do is make an ultimatum. That's an attempt to control.
Yeah, I do a couple of Zoom calls a week, and I typically will see friends once or twice week as there's a few outdoor bars that have patios and backyards set up.
As far as why W hasn't filed, I guess it's ultimately somewhat irrelevant. It is what it is, she hasn't done it yet. Everything she's done over the past year has been out of character for me regardless so you're right, even if I wracked my brain trying to figure it out, I'm likely wrong.
That is out of your hands so IMO don't worry about it.
I agree, but it will likely manifest itself in moving back to Manhattan, or to a different part of Brooklyn just to not feel like I'm surrounded by it, reminded of it all the time.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
What is open up in NYC? No events, bars, etc? Can you just go hang with friends and make some food? Any new hobbies? Get a smoker and start doing that. It takes time and attention.
Yeah, if anything the bigger hurdle is just feeling like an imposition on my friends. But the larger lesson is for me to start to feel more happy and content just hanging out by myself, as opposed to feeling lonely.
