Nothing Left To Try

[Spiral]

And here I am just a few weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of BD. Not much to report. Absolutely no progress on the D, which seems odd since she's still engaged to and living with OM. She is still incredibly interested in my non-existent dating life and is still trying to get me to re-attach. Of course, I do play up the man of mystery by never letting anyone know what my plans are.

Limbo doesn't [censored]. Life is actually pretty good. In fact, things are so good, I think I may need to be the one to push the D forward. I've started to worry that she might come back and that my life would take a turn for the worse. GAL is going great. I love it and I don't want to lose it. I love my time with the kids. And I am getting a lot better at being alone. This is the sort of thing that you can heal from and move beyond. It just takes a year or two and a sincere committment to detachment.

Never did ask her why we switched over to the slow road to the big D. I can't help but wonder why, but it probably doesn't have anything to do with me. There's still a lot of resentment and blame in her heart. However, I prefer to live vicariously through everyone else's R talks and avoid my own. Not really a lot of sense in having an R talk, when the R is already dead.

[Vapo]

Tru dat. No point in R talk whatsoever... None!

No progress on D-front is really not unusual. It's more the norm. She's sitting on the fence, keeping you on the back burner just in case things do not pan out with the OM. You should not allow her to use you as a plan B. I am not saying you shoud file.

Well done for your GAL. It only gets better from here onwards.

[NickWing]

Spiral, did anyone such your kids or friends figure out that Xw was with Om before the actual split?

[Spiral]

NickWing,

I don't really know if anyone figured it out before the actual split. I actually cut off contact with almost all of her family, with all of her friends, and with several mutual friends immediately after the split. And I dropped off their social media too. I was pretty committed to the walk away and never look back approach. That seemed like a necessary part of it and of my own healing. But I don't miss many of those folks. A few of them reached out to maintain the friendship afterward, but most didn't and that's fine. The only person I ever missed was her and that fades over time.

I don't think the kids knew. I think she's committed to the storyline of meeting OM after the split and quickly falling in love with her soulmate. I've let her repeat that narrative without challenge. It seems it is in the kids' best interests to have that fairy tale out there, although I'm not sure if people really believe it given how quickly things happened. I'm not interested in learning the details of how it happened or how she kept it a secret. The R is completely dead and it won't help me. But even if I were interested in finding out, the only people I am still connected to that are part of her new life are my children and I am not going to discuss it with them. So, I'll live the rest of my life in the dark about that. I've also never spoken an ill word about her to anyone and I am proud of that.

The one upside of the ultimatum is that it is a pretty quick and pretty final split. It gives you plenty of time to work on you and focus on healing you. So, I'm a big proponent of it for that reason. After all, I'm a year out and I am totally fine with getting a D when it happens. Of course, I was completely misguided about my prospects of success. On the marriage saving front, it might have been one of the worst ways to approach things. Still, looking back at BD and going forward, I don't have any regrets and I am glad to have heeded the vets' advice. Sometimes, the only thing left to do in your marriage is to end it with dignity and poise. Even my STBXW has said that I have done that and that she's been very impressed with how I've changed and grown. Other people have said that too.

As far as an update goes, there's nothing to report. We live separate lives and are building our futures without any plans for the other. But there's been no progress towards actually getting the D and all that stands in the way is her signature. Still, she lingers for whatever reason.

Spiral

[LH19]

Of course, I was completely misguided about my prospects of success.

My guess is you were misguided on how long it would take for you to have success.

On the marriage saving front, it might have been one of the worst ways to approach things.

What do you think would have changed if you handled it differently?

[harvey]

NickWing,

I don't really know if anyone figured it out before the actual split. I actually cut off contact with almost all of her family, with all of her friends, and with several mutual friends immediately after the split. And I dropped off their social media too. I was pretty committed to the walk away and never look back approach. That seemed like a necessary part of it and of my own healing. But I don't miss many of those folks. A few of them reached out to maintain the friendship afterward, but most didn't and that's fine. The only person I ever missed was her and that fades over time.

I don't think the kids knew. I think she's committed to the storyline of meeting OM after the split and quickly falling in love with her soulmate. I've let her repeat that narrative without challenge. It seems it is in the kids' best interests to have that fairy tale out there, although I'm not sure if people really believe it given how quickly things happened. I'm not interested in learning the details of how it happened or how she kept it a secret. The R is completely dead and it won't help me. But even if I were interested in finding out, the only people I am still connected to that are part of her new life are my children and I am not going to discuss it with them. So, I'll live the rest of my life in the dark about that. I've also never spoken an ill word about her to anyone and I am proud of that.

The one upside of the ultimatum is that it is a pretty quick and pretty final split. It gives you plenty of time to work on you and focus on healing you. So, I'm a big proponent of it for that reason. After all, I'm a year out and I am totally fine with getting a D when it happens. Of course, I was completely misguided about my prospects of success. On the marriage saving front, it might have been one of the worst ways to approach things. Still, looking back at BD and going forward, I don't have any regrets and I am glad to have heeded the vets' advice. Sometimes, the only thing left to do in your marriage is to end it with dignity and poise. Even my STBXW has said that I have done that and that she's been very impressed with how I've changed and grown. Other people have said that too.

As far as an update goes, there's nothing to report. We live separate lives and are building our futures without any plans for the other. But there's been no progress towards actually getting the D and all that stands in the way is her signature. Still, she lingers for whatever reason.

Spiral

I could have written this. My path was hard at first, but it allowed me to detach faster than most. The big difference is our situations was that I was divorced about 3 months after BD. In hindsight I think my XW was in a hurry because she had something else lined up and wanted to maintain the facade of not cheating on me. It is what it is. My daughters will certainly never hear my version of what I think happened. It would do them no good.

[sandi2]

Spiral, would you take a look at Pack-19 thread? He struggles with feeling like a failure if he doesn't bust a divorce.

[Spiral]

I don't think there is anything that I could have done differently to produce another result. If I'd done things differently, maybe the timing or the details would have changed a bit, but not the final result. The final moment to turn things around disappeared long before I understood what was happening and, almost certainly, even before my STBXW met OM. In fifteen months, my STBXW has never looked back. And while my path to a D has been slow moving, that's more about her desire to maintain control over me than anything else. Her desire to control my life is not a reflection of her desire to reconcile. As far as I know, her new life with OM is going great and she's still dreaming of her happily ever after. But I wouldn't know. I don't discuss her life with anyone. However, absence has not made her heart grow fonder. If anything, she's angrier with me now than she was at the start.

For me, the process and the board's advice has been amazing. Of course, I'm not thrilled with the circumstances, but I tried to embrace the books and the process from the beginning. The GAL and the 180s have been wonderful. I'm enjoying my life a lot more and am very pleased with the personal growth that I've found. I'm eager to keep things up and to see where I'm going to be in another year's time. I'm also healthier and stronger than I've been in a long time. Detachment has allowed me to understand the destructive patterns that our relationship had fallen into and to understand how I need to do things differently if I ever find myself in another relationship. And everything comes from just taking everyone's advice and having faith in that advice. Personally, I didn't have any clue how to handle my sitch, so I just went along with the books and the board. That's made all the difference and I wouldn't be where I am withouut all of you.

Her obsession with who I am dating and trying to sabotage that continues unabated. My children constantly pop by unannounced and a day rarely goes by they don't come racing into the house for something they "forgot." I do love the unexpected visits and since I'm not actually dating, I haven't complained about it.

Otherwise, there's not much to report.

[LH19]

I don't think there is anything that I could have done differently to produce another result. If I'd done things differently, maybe the timing or the details would have changed a bit, but not the final result.

You are correct she had probably been on the hunt for your replacement for years.

The final moment to turn things around disappeared long before I understood what was happening and, almost certainly, even before my STBXW met OM.

Most LBS are 2-3 years behind.

In fifteen months, my STBXW has never looked back.

Of course not she is still enjoying her new shiny toy.

And while my path to a D has been slow moving, that's more about her desire to maintain control over me than anything else.

Sounds like it. How do you change it?

Her desire to control my life is not a reflection of her desire to reconcile.

Right. You are probably around plan L or M right now.

As far as I know, her new life with OM is going great and she's still dreaming of her happily ever after.

The honeymoon period is about to end.

However, absence has not made her heart grow fonder.

It's only been 15 months. The ride is just beginning. She won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with her. Since you have a daughter together you will be intermeshed for 18+ years.

If anything, she's angrier with me now than she was at the start.

Eventually she will burn through that big pile of resentment. Eventually she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate. When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again, she'll be surprised by what she sees, and she'll question for the first time the assumptions she has held about you. THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it. UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.

Detachment has allowed me to understand the destructive patterns that our relationship had fallen into and to understand how I need to do things differently if I ever find myself in another relationship.

This is what DB is truly about. Not saving your marriage. 95% aren't worth saving. Yours probably wasn't either you just haven't realized it.

And everything comes from just taking everyone's advice and having faith in that advice.

That's good most don't implement the advice well and make matters worse.

Her obsession with who I am dating and trying to sabotage that continues unabated. My children constantly pop by unannounced and a day rarely goes by they don't come racing into the house for something they "forgot." I do love the unexpected visits and since I'm not actually dating, I haven't complained about it.

Sounds like you need to shore up some boundaries.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Spiral,

I just read all your posts in this thread. You are now my poster child on how to DB.

This was a perfect response when you found out about the affair:

I simply told her that she needed to pick one of us and that the one she didn't pick would no longer be a part of her life. And I left it at that.

As far as I know, her new life with OM is going great and she's still dreaming of her happily ever after. But I wouldn't know. I don't discuss her life with anyone.

Glad that you don't know. No reason for you to. Just know your first assumption is most likely wrong. She and OM brought bad relationship skills into their "relationship". Hopefully you have been doing your homework over the past 15 months and have a new set of skills.

The one question I have is did you find a safe way to release your emotions?

Anyway, anyone reading this post that is looking for a good example on how to DB should read this thread and follow his lead on how to behave during this most difficult of situations.