I am so very sorry it didn’t work out . I know it’s just got to let down when you are looking forward to it.
I agree with everything LH says ( but shhh, don’t tell him that)
I think you might be getting too attached before you even meet. You have all these lovey dovey exciting texts. Which are just words. And when the actions don’t match up, it is a big let down. I personally don’t like too much connection before meeting. Because when they show me who they are in action, I can be more “whatever “ and move on. The reason why you would have acted different with a friend is because you truly know them and their character. You know that they really cancelled for a good reason because you know them well.
Usually when someone comes on so strong it’s a front. You can build up any expectations until you learn who they really are.
Again , I am sorry this happened. It stinks, I know.
Thanks LH. You are so right and this isn’t something I didn’t know. I have no idea what came over me. Well... I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m pretty sure I do know what the origin of my upset was which had nothing to do with TDH. I realized it brought up a lot of feelings from my marriage when I felt completely ignored and overlooked by my husband. Like this inner desperation I had to be noticed and appreciated by him. Wow...so painful to look at and see within myself. I am beyond embarrassed by it and just really angry with myself. So much more work to do...
Thanks Ginger. You are right as well. Honestly...TDH didn’t do anything wrong really. He was on his way. His son melted down. He couldn’t leave him in that state and I’m sure he was disappointed that he had to cancel too. I just got way too caught up in my own disappointment and my expectations that he would call me a lot sooner than I guess he planned to. And then my feelings of being overlooked and taken for granted that I had in my marriage rose to the surface and I wasn’t quick enough to recognize it. I blew something that could have been really great. I do think he’s a pretty genuine person. I just really disappointed him when he needed me to do the opposite and we just don’t have enough of an established relationship to get past it at this point. He’s probably thinking he dodged a bullet by not getting involved with a judgmental drama queen which is how I came across, I’m sure. I cringe just thinking about it. Thank you for your support. I really, really appreciate it. (((HUGS)))
I am going to disagree that a this stage of your “relationship” you need to be there for him but you certainly could have been more understanding. One of the things I see so many people on this board struggle with is expectations and wanting people to be something that they are not.
I think learning to control your emotions is a great thing for you to work on.
Finding something really great takes time and patience. They key is to build a great life to keep you busy in the mean time.
I too feel bad for you and don’t want this to seem cold. But, wow, so much drama already before a first date. Whatever he’s telling you happened may be legit, or at least a semblance of the truth. I also wonder if the pressure was just too much, it all got real, and he was not ready for that. It was already going too fast. If not, and if all he stated was absolute truth, he would have called or done more. I too agree with LH. Should be letting him come to you and not chasing.
Venturing even further into blunt land, at our age, are we Not a bit old to be chasing the fairytale? That’s how it almost reads to me, a fairytale of boy meets girl, falls in love, has an amazing romantic weekend on the very first meeting and they live happily ever after. It’s a lot for most guys - too much for many. A couple hour dinner date with a stranger is enough to try to get through let alone a multi day sleepover the very first time you lay eyes on each other. That’s PRESSURE. I’d bet sizable cash it’s that pressure that sent him running. And then the bit of a chase seals it.
Yeah, coffee date is the best first option. Maybe dinner in a sitch where there was seemingly good chemistry during initial discussions. Anything beyond that is more pressure than most people care to handle.
Or perhaps it boils down to two words - On-line Dating. Maybe only one word sums it up - dating.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
There was a guy I was talking to online for 5 mo the before we met, as it was Long distance. I was young and dating back then I took a risk and he stayed the weekend. We did hit off...... ( ended up being a physical in the end of all of it, but not when we were together) but OH MY GOD, the pressure was enormous. I thought about a million ways to get out of it, to be quite honest . Don is right. Coffee, dinner, a drink for your first date. If that translates to more because there is upfront chemistry. Great. If not, there is an out. Having someone over for the weekend before you really met is a lot of pressure and scary as heck. Could have been a part of it too.
Next time....... nice and slow and an early meeting
Thanks everyone. I am going to Vancouver next week for my pool team reunion. If I do hear from him again, I will suggest we meet for a coffee. I have to be in his area anyway...promised my sister I would go to Ikea for her. But...at this point, it’s a big IF.
Re: pressure and the fairy tale. I totally get what you are saying. If I created that all on my own, I’d be more upset with myself but it was a 50/50 street...TBH...almost more on his end than mine. I suggested I come over on the ferry for a date on the other side but he kept kiboshing the idea saying he wouldn't want to let me go. I probably should have pushed it but I got caught up in the fairy tale. Lesson learned.
Anyway...thanks you guys for being there for me... and for the 2x4’s which I definitely deserve. I have a ton of messages on the dating apps that I have totally stayed off of. Will probably check them out in a week or two once I get my head back on straight.
Thanks LH. You are so right and this isn’t something I didn’t know. I have no idea what came over me. Well... I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m pretty sure I do know what the origin of my upset was which had nothing to do with TDH. I realized it brought up a lot of feelings from my marriage when I felt completely ignored and overlooked by my husband. Like this inner desperation I had to be noticed and appreciated by him. Wow...so painful to look at and see within myself. I am beyond embarrassed by it and just really angry with myself. So much more work to do...
so TDH has served a great purpose. Thank his higher self for the valuable lesson you've just learned. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So glad I have the next two weeks off because I’m having a hard time sleeping. Still radio silence from TDH despite me having apologized profusely for my less-than-stellar reaction to our cancelled weekend. I don’t know why this is still bothering me so much. I guess I just really hate the idea that there is someone out there who thought I was this amazing person and now thinks I’m a complete jerk. And there is nothing I can do about it because he has stopped talking to me.
Wow...being ignored is SUCH a trigger. I would rather someone screamed and yelled at me and told me to f*ck off than this. Why is that? What is it about the silent treatment that is so hard to take. I know people who do this on the regular when they are upset with someone. XH’s dad would go months, sometimes years, without talking to him. I could never understand it. XH never went without talking to me in such a blatant way but, in hindsight, I guess he did the same thing to me once he decided our marriage was over. I got surface-level info but anything deeper than that, he kept from me until eventually I was married to a stranger...only I didn’t know it until my world blew up.
You are probably right about talking the talk but not walking the walk Ginger. My sister thinks I may have dodged a bullet. She thinks I definitely could have handled things better but what I did wasn’t unforgivable considering the circumstances. She says he could have taken an extra couple of minutes to apologize. Even though he had a good reason for not coming, he did leave me sitting there all day thinking he was on his way only to get an abrupt “not coming’ text in the 11th hour with a promise to call. She also thinks that he had a really unrealistic view of me and had made me into this ideal image that I could not have lived up to so better this happens sooner rather than later. And that if he can’t forgive me for five stupid minutes that I have apologized profusely for, he’s probably not someone I would want to be in a relationship with anyway. She’s probably right. I am a good person but I am definitely not perfect and if perfect is what he is after, he needs to keep looking.
Anyway...I have a “date” to play pool with three guys next week who know me really well and who love me for who I am. I can’t wait to see them. I hadn’t realized how much I have missed them until we made these plans and I started thinking about my old life. We saw each other once a week for ten years and it was a night I always looked forward to. So this visit is going to be a highlight of my summer for sure.
