The harsh realities I learned from OLD. And I say OLD because you have no connections to these people like usual friends where they have a duty to be decent......
1) never ever have expectations of decency from someone you’ve never met. Sadly enough. Don’t even have expectations of them being a REaL person. I know this is so so so sad, but it’s so so so true.
2) people who come on so strong in the beginning, especially before you meet them end of following through with that 0% of the time
3) someone is soooo enamored with someone they haven’t yet met is a red flag. And does reek of scammer. And if not a scammer, other things.
But dejavu, it is really easy to get enamored with the way someone e is so enamored with you. It feels good, makes you feel special, boosts your self esteem, amongst other things. It’s been a long time since that has happened for me or I’ve let it happened. Because I know it’s just not sustainable .
Abut 3 years ago I dated much younger guy. Not from OLD. I met him at the fitness classes I took. He was the instructors brother. I was feint with the instructor a a group of younger of single girls in my class. I NEVER thought me and him, I thought him and the younger childless single girls. Well, I found out to my total surprise it was ME he wanted . Shocking . We dated for 3 months. This dude was so into me. And I realized what I enjoyed the most about hi. Was how into me he was . It was a hot and heavy 3 months until he realized our ages and lives don’t match up and we broke up and he started dates someone else. I fell HARD from that relationship . /and it was only 3 months of my life. But I realized it was because he thought I was the bees knees, told me what I wanted to hear, even when he couldn’t follow through.
My point being, we all want to be worshipped on some level. It feels so good when we are deprived for a while . But that situation is rarely ever healthy or sustainable.
Thanks everyone. You all have very valid points and have given me lots to think about. To answer your questions DonH... he is 45 and his son is 11 years old. My son is a year older and I cannot imagine him having a meltdown. However, TDH has talked to me about his son and given my experience with children and mental health, I have seen a number of kids who fit that description and can have meltdowns that have to be seen to be believed. Hard enough to handle if you are a group home worker or a therapist and it isn’t YOUR kid but when it it...that is ten times harder.
Honestly...I think it was all just the perfect storm...we talked on the phone for too long, talked about subjects that were too personal, let the flirting get a bit strong, made way too many plans, and talked as if a future together was just going to happen (him more than me in that regard). I was aware the whole time I was treading into dangerous territory but I thought I was keeping my head together. And then the last minute cancellation and his drive-by texts that had no point and I just kind of lost it for a few minutes. So this is my reward/consequence (I’ll never know which...lol) and I’m going to learn from it.
Was it his looks that got him that far? Ummm...partly I guess. He is a nice looking guy and my “type”. And he sent me lots of pictures...some in real time...so I’m pretty sure he it wasn’t that he doesn’t look like his pics. But honestly... my attraction to him was more about the phone calls we had and our conversations. We just clicked personality-wise. And I do think the meltdown was legit because let’s face it, there are so many other excuses he could have come up with if he really needed to.
Anyway...a couple more days of feeling like a jerk and then I know I will get over it. It was a month of my life and other than these past few days, I had a great time getting to know someone who I hope was reasonably legit. I’m sorry I never got to find out but all things happen for a reason and maybe in this case there is a good one. I will have faith that what is meant to be will be.
PS. The VRcade was sooooo much fun!!! I highly recommend it. The zombie killing game was awesome once I figured out how to move and change guns. It was multiplayer so I was basically in this site with my twins and SD20. We had to work as a team to try to stop the zombies from killing us. I have to admit...my S12 was a rock star. He was all over the place kicking butt. The rest of us did pretty well too until the unfortunate incident when D12 thought she should try to throw a grenade. That left S12 on his own as she killed herself and me and SD20. It was hilarious. I also got a chance to do Google Earth and virtually visit a few cool places in the world. Also did some fruit ninja with a big sword. Anyway... GREAT time!!! Laughed A LOT!!!
Almost through my first week of vacation. Definitely not how I was expecting it to go but I’ve been able to get out and have some fun with my kids so that’s been great. Yesterday was a road trip to Victoria to drop off SD20 at her mom’s where she is house sitting for the next week. D12 came along for the drive. It was fun to have her company on the way home and we had a nice chat and got in some good mommy-daughter time. Then last night was my hockey team’s first play-off game and we won!!! Go Canucks go!!!
Still really bothered by everything that happened with TDH as much as I tell myself to let it go and move on. Listened to a podcast on the way to Vic yesterday that had a scientist on talking about fear and the biological forces at work when we experience it. I knew a lot of it already but man, it was like I was hearing it for the first time in a lot of ways. It explained so much about what happened to me on Saturday. She talked about learning to recognize when you are getting emotional/angry and then identifying the underlying fear and how sometimes just doing that is enough to bring you out of it. I thought a lot about the situation from last week and identified two fears that I have that I think were behind a lot of my upset...
1. The fear that I’m unloveable and not good enough, and; 2. The related fear that because of #1, I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Just reading those words makes me anxious. I mean, where did those fears even come from? I had a great childhood. Not to say that a couple of crappy things didn’t happen to me but I had two wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally and I really wanted for nothing. I should be the most confident person in the world but I’m not...not when it comes to intimate relationships. I see now that I have so much work to do when it comes to that. Matching up my inner world to my outer world. It is just so, so hard...
Well my friends...there may be some hope yet. TDH just texted me. Said he has tried to text me a million times and deleted them all. So settled with... “I’m really sorry.” Told him to call me. I’m done with texting. Gets me into too much trouble. Yay!!!
OMG!!! Forget what I said about TDH. Full on A$$hole!!! WTF?!? I am a magnet for dishonest creeps!!! After his ten “I’m soooo sorry’s” today and he missed me, blah,blah,blah... I get a text at 1:30 in the morning that wakes me up. Another sorry and then....”I have lots to say” and then... “I’m with someone though”. Huh? What do you mean? Dating 11 months and she’s been staying with me for a couple weeks and “I don’t want to mess with her anymore.” What?!?! Mess with her?!? This guy literally cried on the phone telling me about his dead father and tells me it’s because he “has a big heart”. Told me how he just wanted to be by my side and that he felt terrible when I said I was being the “fifth wheel” again because he hated the idea of that. Asked to talk to my sister and actually talked to her!!!
It’s not like he was love bombing me by text but also on the phone. Sent me pictures of his kids. Sent me random “I’m thinking of you” texts throughout the day. Talked about all kinds of things. Said he was falling in love with me, the person. What is WRONG with people?!? I am literally laughing right now because I can hardly believe it. He was SO sincere. So after dropping this bomb, when I ask him what the heck he was thinking and why would he do this, he’s like...”Ur cute and all but it’s not like we were serious.” “It is what it is...I got distracted.” So I ask, were you ever going to come over or was it just a game? “Nope. See ya.” What?!?
Well... at least he didn’t ghost me cause I would still be beating myself up for sending him that irritated text. If I had really known what was going on, it would have been more than just irritated. The guy gave me a shopping list!!!!
So you called it KML. I don’t know...maybe I am just not cut out for online dating. There are just so many creeps out there!!!
So yeah lot of lessons learned here that go in line with DB. Zero expectations and actions not words. Remember DB is for life. OLD is not for the timid that’s for sure. Can’t imagine being a woman and OLDing.
Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet. You were ready to spend the night with a nut job.
Damn, that’s just crazy. At least you do have some good learning lessons from this. As a few people said earlier, when someone comes on that strong in the beginning it’s usually a red flag. It’s a good cue to keep the expectations low. I know, easier said that done.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
And he ruined my good night’s sleep too. Now I’m wide awake and it is 5:00 a.m. So stupid that I gave this person so much space in my brain and sadly, my heart. He was just so convincing. Texting is one thing but when you talk to someone that much... he just seemed so genuine. He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “I’m stubborn. I’m going to make you mad.” “My kids come first but I want to be there for you.” “I don’t want to stop talking. I can’t stop thinking about you.” Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen. What makes someone do something like that? Is it just an ego boost? What’s the end game? To totally trash a really good human being?
Meanwhile he’s in a relationship with someone and he thinks he was messing with her?? She is oblivious. I’m the one he was messing with.
Gawd I hate these lessons...lol. LH...you are right though. I dodged a huge bullet there. The one thing I am grateful for is that he got back in touch and came clean, so to speak. So at least I know it wasn’t anything to do with me. Who knows? Maybe there was a small part of him that felt bad about it cause he could have easily ghosted me. He hadn’t heard from me in over a week. But man he was cold about it. He was all...sorry, sorry, sorry and then I questioned him and he got super defensive and just downplayed everything...like I made it all up. Seriously...people should come with warning labels!!!
He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “
You see a D a normal confident man is never going to say things like this before he meets you. He is not gonna force his way into your future. He is going to wait until he meets you to see if your a good fit for him and his life.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen. What makes someone do something like that? Is it just an ego boost? What’s the end game? To totally trash a really good human being?
Maybe an ego boost. Lots on insecurity and instability.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Meanwhile he’s in a relationship with someone and he thinks he was messing with her?? She is oblivious. I’m the one he was messing with.
He's messing with both of you.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
LH...you are right though.
I may not always be right but I am never wrong lol. Ginger loves when I say that lol.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
People should come with warning labels!!!
Actually they do. Just not as straight forward as you would like them to be. You have to decipher it but you will in time.
