Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3)

[funbun]

I texted WAW 2 hours before the divorce case meeting. I needed to be reminded again, why I have to do what I was going to do. Is this a temp check on my part? big time. But still I needed to know if MR is worth going through. Spoiler alert: I decided it was not at the end.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

F: What happens if let's say I ask to go through MR later?

WAW: I don't see the point of that. I don't want to go through counselling.

F: Tell me, why don't you want to go through counselling?

WAW: I want this to be over.

F: Can you elaborate?

WAW: I want a divorce?

F: You have no feelings towards me. You want a divorce. And this M is not worth it anymore?

WAW: What marriage..? We've been separated for half a year already.

F: It was never worth it? Even in our first month together?

WAW: Why are you talking about the past? I wanted out ever since the first week of M.

F: Because I want to know. I have to make a decision later.

WAW: Decision on what? We've gone through this already.

F: Don't you think I deserve to know?

WAW: Um, you already know. I've wanted a divorce since the first week of marriage.

F: Okay. You wanted a divorce 5 days after the wedding. You had to make a decision that day. You picked something over this marriage, what is that something?

WAW: There wasn't any specific something that I chose over. I just wanted out. It's been half a year. I don't know why you're talking about this again. Our M was never really an M. We never even got to share memories and milestones. There's nothing like that to hold on to. I feel like you're holding on to only hope now.

F: What about the two years before that? before marriage?

WAW: What's the use of talking about this now?

F: Because I have to make a decision later and I want to know things I didn't get to ask.

WAW: Okay then. We never should've gotten married. I should've ended it months before the wedding. It wasn't healthy for me, especially throughout 2019. But I ignored it, shut it down, instead of facing it and handling it properly. The relationship wasn't and isn't good for me. And all this, you know already.

F: Okay. It has a difficult year. I'll see you later (and I ended it there)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Contacting her was probably a stupid move. It made me feel dismissed, I can't believe that our two years together didn't mean much to her. I can't believe she'd just throw everything away just like that. I also feel ashamed and guilty for the fact that she said this relationship was unhealthy for her.

Nevertheless, it gave me the conviction I needed.

I went to the divorce case meeting. I gave them my consent to proceed to D. They said the court hearing will be in 2 months. Once the discussion was done I went straight to my car. I never spoke a word to WAW. It's best to keep my distance.

Feeling heartbroken and defeated today. I'm going to take some rest now.

[MrBrside]

Hmmm..

Why ? - This exchange is the kind of thing newbies write. You have been here long enough to know the script.

Put these pointless interactions, and the ex now behind you..If you keep walking.

But on the plus side.. You can move now. So do it ! Become a better you..

You are still young and no kids... You are now in total control of your future, so so something positive with it.

[LH19]

Yo FB that sounded like a fun exchange (pun intended). I hope you put on a jockstrap beforehand.

Listen to her she is being completely honest with you. Consider yourself lucky you found this out before you had children and years down the road when marriage gets hard.

Learn from this and move forward.

[SteveLW]

FB, this is why we say never to start a R discussion. Getting your grapes crushed is never easy. You could have had this conversation here, with one of the vets playing the role of your WAW, and they could have probably got pretty close to what she said.

This also proves what I've suspected all along. That you are in a major state of denial. And have been for a longtime. I think that is why you gave her the wedding photos and video. I think that was your way, without admitting it, of trying to wake her up. You have been grasping at straws for the last 6 months.

Look, I know all this has been painful and heartbreaking for you. Your story is one of the most heart wrenching stories here. But unfortunately your need to hold on so tight has also made things worse....for you. And instead of DBing your tail off you've struggled with denial and holding on tight the whole time.

As MrB said, you have the opportunity to move on now. No one could accuse you of doing everything you could to make sure there was no chance. We might accuse you of not DBing very well, and in fact, this latest post is proof of that. But you now have the chance to hold your head up high, and move on with dignity and respect for yourself! I feel one of the biggest mistakes that LBSs make is not respecting themselves. This causes all kinds of sad, desperate, and unfortunately pathetic behavior on their part. And it is especially sad, desperate and pathetic to their WAW.

Sorry this has happened FB. You seem like a nice guy. Maybe a bit naive and maybe too trusting and hopeful. But in 2 months you get a new start in life. To find someone that feels the way about you that you do about them. Even if you could have got her into MC, and got her to hang in on in the marriage, it would be only a matter of time before she bolted towards the door again. You'd always be looking over your shoulder waiting for that to happen. Now you can live in peace, and find someone that cares about you.

Onward and upward!

[funbun]

Why ? - This exchange is the kind of thing newbies write. You have been here long enough to know the script.

You're right, I should know better.

Listen to her she is being completely honest with you. Consider yourself lucky you found this out before you had children and years down the road when marriage gets hard.

This also proves what I've suspected all along. That you are in a major state of denial. And have been for a longtime. I think that is why you gave her the wedding photos and video. I think that was your way, without admitting it, of trying to wake her up. You have been grasping at straws for the last 6 months.

I hate to admit it, but this is true.

What I did yesterday reopened old wounds. However, it was necessary and gave the conviction to give my consent for D. It was a difficult day.

I still feel the heartbreak today, but to a lesser degree. I tried to schedule an appointment with a therapist but he'll be unavailable for these two weeks. I'll take it slow for the next few days.

I spent an hour earlier today to delete photos of WAW on my phone and put all of her stuff in the storeroom. Out of sight, out of mind. I know Steve would tell me to burn them. Maybe one day, I am letting go one at a time.

I have nothing else to do now in regards to my M except wait for the court date. I shouldn't have anymore reasons to contact WAW.

I won't be working on to save my M now. I'll be refocusing on myself.

If I start to pursue WAW again, someone please slap me.

[funbun]

Something that I often struggle with and often triggering my anxiety is the feeling of possessiveness over WAW.

I know that once BD happens, my WAW is gone. I am fired frrom being H. And the M is dead.

I know. I understand. Yet... to be honest, I still struggle with the idea. I still feel this connection with WAW. I still view her as “mine” despite all the neglect.

I keep thinking about what she’s doing and who she’s with. It’s triggering my anxiety, I can’t help it, and I am so dam tired of being like this.

This is not me. Prior to R with WAW, I was secure, relax and happy person. I want that person back, I want me back.

Anyone has any tips on this? How to stop this kind of obsessive thinking?

[MLCxH]

FB, the advice given by the others is spot on. Your W is being honest with you and you have no kids. I don't see why you won't just end this and move forward.

Your W is not really a WAW. She said she should have ended the R a long time ago. My guess is she went forward with the marriage probably because of family pressure or to avoid disappointing her family. On paper you likely checked all the boxes especially if religion was an important criteria for the families but she had lost attraction for you a long time ago and she was in denial convincing herself that things would be good after the marriage. During the honeymoon she probably realized her mistake. She is doing you a favor by being honest now instead of stringing you along for longer.

Yes, it hurts but the pain of D will be larger the longer you are married. IMHO move forward and let her do the same.

[funbun]

FB, the advice given by the others is spot on. Your W is being honest with you and you have no kids. I don't see why you won't just end this and move forward.

Your W is not really a WAW. She said she should have ended the R a long time ago. My guess is she went forward with the marriage probably because of family pressure or to avoid disappointing her family. On paper you likely checked all the boxes especially if religion was an important criteria for the families but she had lost attraction for you a long time ago and she was in denial convincing herself that things would be good after the marriage. During the honeymoon she probably realized her mistake. She is doing you a favor by being honest now instead of stringing you along for longer.

Yes, it hurts but the pain of D will be larger the longer you are married. IMHO move forward and let her do the same.

M,

I appreciate you responding to my posts.

I acknowledge the points that you are making.

As I stated in my posts previously, there are no more work to be done in regards to saving my M. I am currently working on myself, chiefly, my anxious attachment issues. My anxious attachment is making it hard for me to move on and be in a healthier frame of mind. I am in the process of addressing that.

My inquiry was regarding managing obsessive thoughts about my STBXW.

Despite how I sound in my last post, I am doing fine, still maintaining GAL and that has helped me a lot. I need guidance in the finer details of this process. Namely, the thought patterns that I should adopt.

[SteveLW]

FB, are you in IC?

[funbun]

FB, are you in IC?

Not on a regular basis. I had three sessions before this and I stopped because I felt I didn’t need it as much. Now thinking of making another appointment. There’s only one good therapist in my area.