I want to start this post by saying I’m truly sorry this happened to you. LH is right ( because he’s never wrong, lol) this experience is LOADED with lessons. And if we learn from these lessons, your experiences going forward will be so much better. You are a successful beautiful woman.
Yesterday when you posted he responded and got all excited, I wanted to tell you “ he’s got something big he’s hiding” I didn’t want to be that person though, and I figured the truth would reveal itself. But as an outsider, I was able to see this from miles away. The red flags were waving so blatantly. Which is hard to see when people are making you feel good.
1) any guy you have never met in person and haven’t been talking to for long who talks about the future, mentions love, and is over over over the top, is not normal . That is not a healthy adult male who make a good partner. They are either hiding something huge, are catfishers or are not in touch with reality. Interest is great. Getting excited to see someone is great. Looking forward to the next date. That’s healthy great beginning stuff! His over the top love bombing and promising without having met him.... not healthy by a long shot .
I say this in a loving way. I think you should explore why you trusted him so much not knowing him. What part of you wanted to believe this over the top person you never met was truthful or healthy? I understand how good it feels when someone is all about you..... it feels great.... but I’m my experience 99% of the time there is something very unhealthy about that person. When people say exactly what we want to hear..... they are often covering up for something we don’t want hear. And I might explore why you believed it all and your expectations were so high?
You dodged a bullet. You were about to invite a stranger into your home for your weekend. Where your kids and MIL live. God forbid his GF found out and came to hunt him down?!
I can see you have a fulfilling dating life and make OLD work for you as long as you recognize what healthy dating looks like. You just cannot trust someone 100% blindly that you don’t know. It takes time for people to reveal their true selves. So go on a coffee date, , dinner date. A fun activity. Stay in contact, but not constant. I can see you rocking this dating thing ! You have everything going for you . You just have to believe that
Thanks LH. Yeah...that was my thought too. An ego boost...insecurity. Still soooo strange though. I don’t think I will ever fully understand this kind of behaviour which is why I’m the LBS and not the WAS, I suppose. Some people are just broken inside. I’m really trying very hard not to be but man the hits keep coming. I just keep telling myself that all of these detours in my life will eventually lead me home.
Well...did NOT expect this. Was sitting in my room and my phone pinged. It’s TDH... “How’s things?” Super casual. I’ll bite. Me: Been better. TDH: What’s happening? Me: Had some time to process. Thanks for not ghosting me and letting me think everything was my fault.” TDH: “Huh?” Me: Uhhh..what’s going on? [Cause I’m thinking this is strange considering our exchange the night before.” TDH: “I’m hoping that’s not the impression I left you with?” Me: What? TDH: “Sorry. Just re-read that. It’s my fault 100%. You’re only guilty of being cute.” Me: You really hurt me TDH. You may have not been serious, but I was.” And then my phone rings so I pick up and it’s him...acting all casual. Anyway...long story short...it becomes pretty clear that he and I are talking about two different things when he starts talking about his son and that he believes in a “no lie” household so he had told his son he was going to Nanaimo to see a girl and his son lost it thinking he was moving since he knows that’s where his dad wants to move. So I say...”no lie household” and you told him you were coming here to see me? Doesn’t he know you have a girlfriend? TDH: “What? What girlfriend?” So I said “the one you told me about last night when you texted me to dump me.” He says, “What are you talking about? The last text I sent you said that I had lots of things to talk about.” Yes...and then two hours later at 1:30, you sent me a text about your girlfriend. He then says that he decided to camp out in his backyard tent (too hot inside) at 11:30 and that he had had a couple of friends over to watch the hockey game and they had had some drinks and were still sitting around the fire when he fell asleep. So...we figured out that it wasn’t him texting me but his drunk idiot friends. And because we use WhatsApp to talk, when they blocked me, all of the messages were lost. He said he couldn’t figure out why I was blocked and had to search for me to unblock me (luckily I hadn’t blocked him yet) so when he sent me a text, he could didn’t see what had been written before. Anyway..he asked me to send him screen shots of the messages that were sent. He was pretty mad. Says he is 100% looking forward to seeing me and there is no one else. He is hoping that once we meet, the job of girlfriend will be mine. So...crazy... he was really apologetic...said if we ever going to break up with me, he would call me since he is not a teenager. Can’t say the same for his friends and actually when I look at the texts, they are very different from the norm. He uses capitals, full sentences and punctuation. These texts have all kinds of abbreviations and no punctuation. Anyway...life is interesting. TDH and I are going to have a proper, non-overnight date on Thursday like we should have all along. Wish me luck.
Please run, run as fast as you can! The flags are waving all over the place . Please move on. Both f about him has seemed healthy or truthful so far. It’s a good time to cut your loses
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Sorry, guys do NOT do that stuff - that was a GIRLFRIEND who messed with his phone, not his guy friends. Honest.
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he just seemed so genuine. He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “I’m stubborn. I’m going to make you mad.” “My kids come first but I want to be there for you.” “I don’t want to stop talking. I can’t stop thinking about you.” Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen
This stuff right here - HUGE red flags! Honestly, no normal healthy adult male does this when he has only talked to you on the phone. They might say they think you're sexy and want to jump in the sack with you, but this other stuff? Nope.
And EVEN if you believe his bogus story about his friends messing with his phone (NOT TRUE!) it doesn't excuse his previous lack of communication, not one bit.
This is how guys who are bigamists or who marry women to steal their money get away with it - because we women were raised on such fairytales that we can't see what's wrong with this situation. RUN!!!!
Or at least, if you insist on meeting him, don't let him in your house, meet him at a neutral third location and keep your car wherever you go. Do some reconnaissance online first - check criminal databases, etc. See if you can check out parts of his story (did he really graduate from that college he claimed? Does his age check out? ID? It's amazing what you can find online. If he doesn't show up on FB that's also a potential red flag - guys who are juggling multiple women don't like to be on FB).
OMG!!! Forget what I said about TDH. Full on A$$hole!!! WTF?!?
GIRL! You JUST posted this yesterday and now you are already back to having a date with this dude because he called you with some lame a$$, clearly made up excuse about the stuff from the night before. Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? You should run far and fast from this one. He's a snake with a capital S. Listen, I get it...it is nice to feel wanted and desired and saying all those things he says really can get in a woman's head, but everyone who has commented before me is right. "Normal" (whatever the h3ll THAT is anymore) men do NOT do what TDH has been doing. And, you say he says things like he believes in a "no lie household" and that if he were going to break up with you he would have done it over the phone because he's an adult, but then he blames the whole girlfriend conversation on his drunk friends? Now, seriously, DV, does that sound in any way adult-like? To me it screams user and manipulator. I mean, think about it. He got you all excited saying all these wonderful, flowery things and then gave you a list and had you spend money, only to blow you off at the last minute and then continue to hold you at arm's length while you just kept chasing. Again, I get how intoxicating the words can be, but you are a smart, beautiful, strong woman and you deserve better treatment that what he has already given you. Actions speak louder than words, my friend, and his actions have been p!ss-poor. He's a master at the word part, but he has yet to actually follow through.
I agree with kml's assessment that men just don't do what he is saying his friends did. I mean, yeah, men may give each other crap, but grown men are not going to take someone's phone and message you the way "they" did, even if they are drunk. And, what kind of man has drunken camp-outs in his back yard with his friends any way? Doesn't that seem a little frat party-like to you? I'm all for sleeping under the stars and having a few drinks with friends and maybe even doing both, but I'm not having a big drunken rager where I pass out on any given weeknight.
I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not. Kml may be right that it was a girlfriend who sent you messages. I suspect it was him all along, though, and he was/is just testing you to see what he can get by with. He got you with his words and then when he was tired of "messing with you", he came up with the lame story about the girlfriend. And, while I'm going down this road, in his story (or whoever's story, depending on who you believe actually told it), he's been involved with this mystery girlfriend for awhile and she's been staying with him but now he's done "messing with her". Did that one little detail in and of itself not wave some huge red flags for you about what type of guy he really is? I mean, he is the one who claimed to be an adult, but if you are an adult and in a relationship and you want out, you have an HONEST conversation with that person, not cheat on her and tell others you are done "messing with her". Is that how YOU would want to be treated? Anyway, then when you kept the communication open, he decided he'd try again and he'd have to cover his tracks and he came up with that lame story about his friends doing it.
I swear I am NOT a conspiracy theorist, but this whole thing just reeks of a guy who is used to using and manipulating women and getting his way. I don't know where Nanaimo is, but it just makes me want to load up and drive up there and kick his a$$ for you because you absolutely deserve better. He's a player. Break the date, block him from all communication and MOVE ON!
Oh and I should've started my post like G, but I got a little caught up in my own way. I'm so sorry all of this happened to you and is still happening. (((((DV))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you, but seriously, girl....RUN!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks for your opinions everyone. I’ve been talking to him for quite awhile. I know what someone sounds like when they have no clue what is going on. I’m going to meet him and decide for myself the way I should have done weeks ago. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Thanks for your opinions everyone. I’ve been talking to him for quite awhile. I know what someone sounds like when they have no clue what is going on. I’m going to meet him and decide for myself the way I should have done weeks ago. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Unbelievable! I don’t ever want to see anyone get used or hurt but when red flags are shooting off everywhere you can’t help but see them yet you proceed anyway, you deserve what you get. I’m sorry you have been hurt or damaged so badly that you feel a man like this is all that you deserve. Nothing we say is going to change your mind so why bother. This is way above our pay grade and you need more help than a message board can provide. This screams of college or high school antics. This behavior should have been outgrown 25 years ago yet here you both are. I feel bad for you and hope you can dig deep into why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. Once again, THIS ^^^^^^^^^^ is what too often is found on OLD - on both sides. Maybe you guys are a match. Sad.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Girlfriend - PLEASE google the heck out of this guy. Where he lives, who else lives there, marriage records, criminal records, whatever. I'm guessing you'll find something hidden. Like a wife. Or a girlfriend. Or worse.
