Recap: 6-7 years ago my M was suffering and I couldn't put my finger on it. Around 6 years ago he got caught hanging out with OW, a (close) mutual friend of ours. It had been an 8 month long EA. I felt crazy and volatile. Things became emotionally explosive for weeks and one day I told him if he is not 100% committed to our M then to get out. To my surprise he did. For 10 months he was off in lala land having full blown A with OW. Our circle of friends blew up and I was humiliated. During this time I hit rock bottom. My father had died shortly before BD, my eldest D was a troubled teen (Bipolar) and we had to send her to wilderness & therapeutic boarding school out of state, and the double betrayal was too much. I lost 35 lbs, couldn't eat, sleep, think or function well. What got me through was a deep seeded belief that humans are resilient and that time is only moving forward. I knew that eventually things would recover and that I would be okay. I also had some wonderful and supportive people in my life.
I found this site and read often but didn't post. I developed a deeper and supportive friendship with OW's LBH, who was dealing with the same betrayal. I still didn't handle myself well and wasn't able to follow DB rules. Over time I did get better at GAL,180s and started to detach. Most days I felt like I was faking it. I did eventually stop contact and pursuit and would only email him about kids/finances. I think we were both able to protect our younger kids as well as could be expected. I wasn't able to shake my rage and devastation tho, which I am sure he knew. He often acted like a wounded, guilty puppy. He was less arrogant and cruel than what I have read here about WHs. I started to drop the rope and imagine a life without him and our family home. I started to get better at hiding my emotions from him. Turns out his A was all drama and not the kind of R he had wanted initially. After around 10 months he did a very fast turnaround. ... Now, I firmly believe you have to let them go before they come back.
I had conditions, but I accepted him back. He had to end things with OW and go 100% no contact. I needed proof and 100% transparency for all devices. Weekly MC. He would not move home until we were both ready. He also needed to continue to work on himself and accept responsibility for the damage he caused. He read the No More Mr Nice Guy book which fit him to a T! Even tho I was the person that wanted the M back more during the separation, I definitely have struggled more with understanding it and more so forgiveness. He has been consistent and patient in his commitment to our M and family in the last 5 years.
He has now been back in the M for over 5 years. It has been bumpy and messy. There have been times that I have seriously doubted if it could ever work in the long term and if I made the right choice. We did MC, we did our own IC, we attended Retrouvaille, we had the same conversations and tears. He has genuinely apologized and felt remorse a million times. I would say that my biggest obstacle has been myself and my feelings around his betrayal. It is not something I ever had thought I could understand and I don't know that I ever will. I do believe the man in front of me now is a good man, H and father. I think that is more important than our mistakes in the past. I have made mistakes too, I just haven't shared the details here. .... After BD, we often hang on to them so tight, but really, we are hanging on to the idea of them and what we had. When they return, the initial relief wears off quickly and the real person in front of us is tarnished.
The last couple months have been different. I am an ICU nurse and charge nurse. The stress and anxiety as our unit began to prepare a COVID ICU, while anticipating a surge, has been surreal. We watched what happened in Italy and then NY and scrambled to think of ways to accommodate a surge. This happened while several of my coworkers (also mostly charge nurses on my shift) were on a 3 week vacation. I didn't know when they would return or if they would be stuck out of the country. Our hospital org told us we would be creating a COVID ICU and taking them from other sister facilities in our greater area. Simultaneously they started rationing PPE and telling us to reuse items meant for one time use. Our area had some of the first documented cases and also implemented the first shelter in place (SIP) orders. My kids were home and I was working mostly every day, sometimes 16 hours days. I wasn't sleeping well and felt on high alert and a steady stream of anxiety -- fight or flight -- but my instinct has always been to fight. Not that different from my post BD days really!
At home, things have been different, however in a good way. H stepped up and handled it. He changed his work schedule so the kids were not home alone as long. He started doing more of everything -- shopping (minimally), cleaning, and just being supportive and loving, to me and the kids. My kids have been able to manage school from home and even continued their sports on zoom (mostly conditioning). And then something nice and unexpected transpired. We stopped running in circles, managing crazy driving schedules of practices, games, and hitting lessons, and started simply being home together. We started cooking together, having dinner as a family daily, and enjoyed happy hours in the sunshine. We watch silly tv together or just sit outside. We started just being together more. We had never made much time for that before this. So, despite the stress, changes, and unknowns, we learned to be more present as a family and as a couple.
The surge hasn't come. Yet. We know that it will -- next fall or winter -- but for now we are managing okay. These poor patients that end up on life support are mostly dying or not recovering. Fortunately we have not been so overwhelmed that we cannot care for them all. I don't know what will happen if we ever get to that point and I hope that we do not. I feel very grateful that I live in an area that has lawmakers that are taking all precautions. I mostly feel grateful that I still have my health, my job, my family and that we are moving forward. I have a wonderful H and I cannot deny that.
I hope that all of you are hanging in there. I will try and get caught up on your sitches. My summer seems to be cancelled. I still check up on some of you here and there and I think about you guys.
Take care. And please, please stay the F home.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 05/01/2005:28 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
After BD, we often hang on to them so tight, but really, we are hanging on to the idea of them and what we had. When they return, the initial relief wears off quickly and the real person in front of us is tarnished.
So true. We can never go home again. Glad things are going well for you two on the whole.
Thank you for what you're doing and for sharing it with us-- good to hear how things are going from the front lines. And really glad to know that things are going well. It feels like these COVID times are kind of like a pressure cooker-- compressing so much into every day, when we might normally get a few quick minutes of connecting as a family now we get 24/7. It is like each day is almost a normal month in terms of the time we all get together. And while of course this situation is borne of tragedy, I can't also help but be grateful for the family time and connection. I wonder how our kids will remember this!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Whenever I read your updates Blu I am glad of your honesty but also aware of a deep...disappointment? With your H? With life not turning out as expected? I don't know, that might be my interpretation. You certainly show that R is not the easy route, and I'm grateful for your honesty. Please stay well, enjoy your family as they grow up so quick xxx
CW, thank you, that is kind of you to say. I have never felt pride in my work the way I do now. Being a nurse has felt more like a job and when I leave work most days, I clock out and put it behind me. Even tho our ICU pts are still critical in the same way, there is a greater sense of purpose because we are supporting the community at large.
neffer, how sweet, thank you. You know, I can see the similarities in your writings. You strike me as a very warm and open-minded person. That is what attracted me to my H initially. I am the more fiery and strong-willed one. So we either complement each other greatly or it (was) a complete disaster :-)
May, I am trying to still follow your thread and am rooting for your M! I feel like there is a lot I can learn from you and your sitch. You have some qualities that I lack but can appreciate and work towards myself. You seem to have more sympathy, patience and understanding for your H. I hope that the shelter in place can bring you guys closer together as well.
Hi dilly. You are correct and I have been quite candid about my disappointments in my H and my M. I think we all have these bottom lines and unwritten rules in our mind about what we could and couldn't accept in our relationships. For so many years of my life, my M was my primary R and I believed that any type of infidelity was a deal breaker for me. I honestly thought that even a brief EA, or lies about his feelings towards any other woman, would be the death of our M. I thought I could see past other betrayals -- around dishonesty, family, work, or money -- but certainly not romantic feelings.
Not only did my H have a full blown A, and for an extended time, but it was with someone I considered a close friend. It was also at a vulnerable time in my life -- my fathers last years of his life were traumatic and too much to get into here. He had a severe neurological disorder and deteriorated in a nursing home. We also had the additional trauma of my (then teen) daughter being diagnosed bipolar and not being able to manage it or even keep her safe. She would jump out of the window in the middle of the night and run away. Also, too much to get into here. And this was the time he had an affair? When I was vulnerable and needed him the most? I should also add that my eldest D (now 21 yo) is not his bio child. I was a single mom and we met when she almost 3. I say this because while our hardships and M problems certainly had a huge impact on him, it was my own D and my father that I was losing. Our younger 2 Ds were healthy and did not have struggles.
I say all of this because I am trying to emphasize the gravity of it all and his betrayal. We get married and vow "in sickness and in health" because we are choosing a partner in life to see us through it all. The honeymoon is short lived and life evolves in ways we could never anticipate, especially when there are children, job changes, financial hardships, ailing parents or when life just svcks sometimes. We need our spouse the most when we actually NEED them. So when I needed him, is when he stabbed me in the back the abandoned me. I don't think most women would have taken him back TBH.
So dilly, no, life did not turn out the way I expected. I never expected I would have a bipolar child, lose my dad at 71 and that my H would have an A with a "good friend" and break apart my family at my lowest point. I could have never, ever have even imagined this craziness or that it would be my life story. ... but he came back .... and he said he was sorry ... and he meant it .... and I do believe he has changed ... I do also believe he is a really good person, who made a terrible mistake .... and maybe he made the mistake because life got so hard and he didn't know how to support me, and he lacked his own coping mechs, and OW was on the side giving him that support ... maybe that is why he had the A -- because life was hard -- and he didn't know how to take care of our family so he ran .... I could speculate forever, but I have already done that, and there is no reason to do that again now.
Understanding and forgiving my H for his betrayal has been a herculean effort. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than my father's death and harder than raising a bipolar kid. I don't taking him back makes me a better person. I don't even advise that most people here should do the same if given the opportunity. If a spouse can ditch you when life gets rough then why sign up for that again? ... I see that I was given a choice and that I made a difficult one to take him back. My own personal happiness and life satisfactions reflect so much more than just that tho. That is just one part of my history, but will never be the focal point. It may be hard to tell from my writings, but I am not bitter nor am I defensive. That doesn't serve me. I actually appreciate your comment/questions because it challenges me to think and I like that. If there is anything I want people to take away from my story it is simply to let go. There is no reason to hang on to a person that doesn't want you. Be your best without them. If they come around and show you someone that loves you, values you and wants you, then you can decide if you want to let them back in. I am fortunate that my H was able to really look at his mistakes, be willing to change and make amends. Not everyone has the opportunity to save their M. I also think that if I had moved on a created a new life without him, that that decision would be just as honorable.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
It has been a couple months so time for an update. It feels strange to talk about my M when there are so many more pressing issues in the world. So I will just put that here first. Work has been rough. We are seeing a surge that we worked so hard in our area to flatten (the curve) initially. We lost 2 coworkers in the last week. One was an incredible nurse and I adored her. My heart is aching. More coworkers are calling off out of fear of being at work or feeling ill themselves. So more patients and less staff means more work/stress for the rest of us. I just worked 80 hours in the last week. I feel tired and frustrated. My biggest frustration comes from the way our country's leadership is handling this pandemic, that responses are more political than based on science, and on people's refusal to wear masks and practice physical distancing. Our family has been mostly home, we have cancelled our vacation, and we are very mindful of protecting our community and ourselves. I am just dumbfounded how many people refuse to acknowledge what is happening because they themselves are not sick or don't know someone that is. If anyone spent a day with me at work I am sure they would change their tune real fast. I find myself fantasizing about moving ... I am also troubled by how we are handling current racial/social injustices in and out of our healthcare & prison systems. All of this is weighing heavy on me. .... now I will step off my soapbox and carry on ....
My M is okay. I have started to lose track of the timeline and I find that to be a relief. I also do not get emotional triggers like I did for the first several years of piecing. I can drive by places that used to hold significant memories and not notice or think much of it now. On a daily basis things seem fine. Mostly we are balancing work and our kids. This quarantine has had significant impacts on all of the children (one adult) for different reasons that I won't get into here. That has been a bigger focus than working on our M of course. We have also done some nice projects or started planning them. We took a camping trip where we were able to keep physical distance and it was beautiful and fun. I would like to plan another one next month. I see my H trying. He has been better at upholding his own boundaries and letting go of his MNG traits in a way that he did not before. Sometimes I think he is better at processing things and talking about feelings, whereas I would rather sleep on it and avoid issues. I feel emotionally tired. It is hard for me to be optimistic when I cannot create things to look forward to in the future. Right now I do not see an end in sight and continue to be at greater risk with my job description and the nature of this. I have to swallow my own bitterness at watching others carry on as usual.
Conversely, being forced to live more in the moment has been good for me as well. It has forced me to see what is in front of me and to be more present, with my H and with my kids. I am trying to be more patient with everyone. I am trying to practice gratitude that I have my health and my family.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So sorry to hear about your co-workers Blu. Thank you for taking the time to update us. You have been, and continue to be, such a gift to this community. I know you definitely helped me when I was at my lowest. Big (((HUGS))) to you from across the miles. DV xo
Thank you so much for posting your updates Blu. I'm divorced but not done. I've lurked on this site ever since my BD back in 2017. You are one of the piecing veterans I'd found and tracked, before you returned for your latest updates. Your inspiration is with me. You and many others have helped me to save myself and my child. She was threatening self-harm. Doing much better now.
My xH and I had an amicable divorce. He has someone else now, even though not the original alienator. I know I'll be fine no matter what. Again, thanks to the generosity of people like you who, despite how hard it is, continue to share your trajectory of travail and grace, I too am healing and becoming stronger than I ever imagined was possible.
Hats off to the bravery and kindness of healthcare workers like yourselves. I hope you are doing a lot of self-care, and enjoy every bliss with your intact family. You are what makes the world a bright place.
