Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

I told her that was a very unfortunate message, I was not proud of it and I thought there was value in our family and that she was the best thing that ever has happened to me.

This behavior is repeated over & over again. The words may change a little from time to time, but the message you put out there is the same.

This action is self-defeating, b/c you pursue a wife who no longer wants you. You continue the same behavior and expect different results.

I am feeling very discouraged lately because with a cold mind I see it has been 13 months and I have never received a sign of doubt or positive reinforcement from W. She is indeed done with me and all I think is that the problems we had are easily solvable.

In your opinion the problems are easily solvable. She does not agree with your opinion. You have tried to make her see your way is the correct way. She does not agree. She has the freedom to feel whatever she wants. The more you try to verbally convince her you are correct, the more you are defeated.

You see the separation as not being an open MR. Apparently, she does not agree. You say you will endure. What does that mean? You say every morning you recommit to your M. You say you believe in your M, and that you stand for your M. That is your personal decision, however, you cannot force it upon her.

Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.

You don't want to file for D? Fine, then don't file. However, stop sharing YOUR feelings and YOUR viewpoints about the M with your estranged W. It only adds coal to her fire of resentment.

hi Sandi,

Please don't feel like I have not listened to you but let me ask you something. You say rightfully that the problem that lead to this S was not my lack of commitment or lack of love for her, I neglected the intimate relationship with her and let the pressure of our conditions turn me into a bitter and pessimist person anyone should be entitled to leave. Now I try to show her my appreciation, my love and respect and all it does is add up resentment? You have told me in many occasions it is not the time for showing that love but she keeps repeating to me that she wants to see that loving and new person before coming back. She has told me many times you cannot turn into a loving and nice person only when I say "oh yes Pack, I want to save the M". Not that I want to give importance to what she says, this is really one of the few things she has repeated over and over.

To me, enduring means focusing on the good things in our M and the changes I need to make to give her the best incentive to come back. It means deviating my attention to other things, friends, the kids, my career, excercise... while I patiently wait for her to make a decision. It does not mean being the one who files and it does not mean living as if we were divorced.

When last month I was rereading DR I stuck into my head that blaming and asking for dates was a waste of time and only harmed me more. I thought, ok let yourself switch into inaction, leave her be and do not pressure her. We came back from holidays and she was back on fire telling me we had no future at all and to only speak about the kids. When I sent her the message about an open marriage I had a huge step back, I am not sure how to react now and I am trying to follow your advice on letting the 15 days go by without contact.

I have made up my mind that I will not file unless W is having an A in front of me. I dont think that is the situation so then I can refocus on me and endure. Sandi, aside from my ups and downs and the need to refocus on me, how do you see my current situation?

Given the decision to go on without filing and the time that has passed since this nightmare began. How do you recommend I act?

Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.

It is entirely up to her and I have accepted that. Now it is a time in my life to change and grow, that is all I can control. Would it help if I become resentful towards her? I am trying to avoid those feelings as I think they only bring more harm. It is being very hard for me to remain a polite father, and that is all I should be in front of her now.

Let's get back to building that amazing life without her and GAL. I still have patience in my pockets.

[LH19]

Pack,

I have warned you multiple times that you need to learn to control your emotions. You are still trying to control her by issuing bogus ultimatums. She is living the life as a single woman and I would suggest you do the same. Leave her be and live your life.

[unchien]

I have made up my mind that I will not file unless W is having an A in front of me. I dont think that is the situation so then I can refocus on me and endure. Sandi, aside from my ups and downs and the need to refocus on me, how do you see my current situation?

Given the decision to go on without filing and the time that has passed since this nightmare began. How do you recommend I act?

Pack, I know this question was for Sandi.

So... you've decided to cede control of your life decisions (whether to file for D or not) to your W. As long as she hides any EA/PA from your sufficiently, you are okay with it?

Sometimes taking control of your life is more about your MINDSET than about your DECISIONS. Think about that.

Your posts are bouncing around a bit. You are in the vortex all people feel for awhile in these situations. Try not doing anything for a few days, as many have suggested. No R talks, no decisions. Just... let... things... be. See if you can sit and tolerate your emotions without doing anything.

It is entirely up to her and I have accepted that. Now it is a time in my life to change and grow, that is all I can control.

This all sounds great, I just don't believe you have accepted it. You can't flip that switch overnight. Now work on accepting what you can and can't control (spoiler alert: You can only control yourself, in this very moment)

Would it help if I become resentful towards her? I am trying to avoid those feelings as I think they only bring more harm. It is being very hard for me to remain a polite father, and that is all I should be in front of her now.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Beyond that -- I don't think you can intentionally resent (or forgive) somebody. It can be a goal, but it happens organically and it takes time. You can absolutely foster an *attitude* of resentment -- obsess about her affairs, keep trying to control her and see her responses -- and eventually you will grow a thick hard shell of miserable negativity. Then you will be right and angry and it will make it easier for you to feel justified in your D. It's not the decision I would make. Again you would be effectively giving up control over yourself.

Let's get back to building that amazing life without her and GAL. I still have patience in my pockets.

This reads great on the screen. Be the words.

[Pack_19]

Pack,

I have warned you multiple times that you need to learn to control your emotions. You are still trying to control her by issuing bogus ultimatums. She is living the life as a single woman and I would suggest you do the same. Leave her be and live your life.

Hi LH,

I have been thinking a lot about my mistakes lately and specially the last down I had since last week. I think I have a problem to address in myself and that desire to control both this situation and the outcome to be R. I have been thinking how irrational it is to try and get someone, who does not want to be with you, to engage in the reconstruction of something different regardless of how fulfilling you think that would be.

Truth is I caused suffering to the one person that decided to grant me all her time and now I am pressuring her when I know I love her above all and I should be respecting the decision she has taken to stay apart from me. I have been thinking that I need this time to remove those poor behaviors and beliefs in me, that I need to rely on friends and family but that my main goal should be to prepare myself in a healthy way to whatever life throws me next. In addition I have already a playground to experiment how those changes are building up, my children and my relationship with them.

It is unavoidable to have thoughts about what she is doing, how she is doing and whether she thinks about our past together or not, I need to let them come and go and remain focused on making me a better person.

I went for a long run yesterday (13 km) and then went our for dinner with some good friends and I had a great time. We left early because I had to put S2 to sleep. I am going to ask my IC to focus on that need to control my emotions and let her go.

My revised goals:

Physical:
- Eat healthy, exercise regularly and increase my muscle mass.
Intellectual:
- Promote to L6 at work, read books about subjects I enjoy and attend cultural events
Emotional:
- Learn to listen actively and letting W go. Accept I cannot control the outcome of this situation. Work on my confidence, boosting attraction and detach from W.
Spiritual:
- Improve my relationship with God and others. Remain optimism and be a source of happiness and positivity.

Thank you for your support and help LH. I cannot confirm if W is having an A. If I knew I would be the one to file but for now I will remain focused on my problems.

[Pack_19]

I have made up my mind that I will not file unless W is having an A in front of me. I dont think that is the situation so then I can refocus on me and endure. Sandi, aside from my ups and downs and the need to refocus on me, how do you see my current situation?

Given the decision to go on without filing and the time that has passed since this nightmare began. How do you recommend I act?

Pack, I know this question was for Sandi.

So... you've decided to cede control of your life decisions (whether to file for D or not) to your W. As long as she hides any EA/PA from your sufficiently, you are okay with it?

This is the one thing about which I cannot understand what part is under my control. I heard that rumor but I have no clues or suspicion that she has a EA/ PA. However, I wanted to talk about this and the moment we meet to exchange the kids she immediately starts saying she does not want to talk to me. I have tried to tell her in person it is an important subject but still nothing. She is ignoring me after that unfortunate message I sent, I dont know what to think. Have I caught her and her reaction is to flee? am I making this up? I will not give her control over that, what I am saying is that I cannot talk about the topic with her and I will not file based on a rumor. I need to calm down, I am not in a healthy place. Is there a way that I could arrange for that conversation without the kids? Maybe try to call her? I have been rejected so many times the idea of calling her disgusts me...

When I made a comment about what I heard in person her reply was "you are free to believe whatever you want" in a bitter tone. What do I make from that?

Sometimes taking control of your life is more about your MINDSET than about your DECISIONS. Think about that.

Your posts are bouncing around a bit. You are in the vortex all people feel for awhile in these situations. Try not doing anything for a few days, as many have suggested. No R talks, no decisions. Just... let... things... be. See if you can sit and tolerate your emotions without doing anything.

Thank you Unchien for this piece of advice. The only thing I knew during these last days for sure was that I wasnt in a good place and needed to calm down. Are you suggesting maybe my mindset should change to something similar to my actions saying W, R is not on the table anymore based on your actions along this S, I am taking control of my life again?

It is entirely up to her and I have accepted that. Now it is a time in my life to change and grow, that is all I can control.

This all sounds great, I just don't believe you have accepted it. You can't flip that switch overnight. Now work on accepting what you can and can't control (spoiler alert: You can only control yourself, in this very moment)

Would it help if I become resentful towards her? I am trying to avoid those feelings as I think they only bring more harm. It is being very hard for me to remain a polite father, and that is all I should be in front of her now.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

At least I got something right on the last few days...

Beyond that -- I don't think you can intentionally resent (or forgive) somebody. It can be a goal, but it happens organically and it takes time. You can absolutely foster an *attitude* of resentment -- obsess about her affairs, keep trying to control her and see her responses -- and eventually you will grow a thick hard shell of miserable negativity. Then you will be right and angry and it will make it easier for you to feel justified in your D. It's not the decision I would make. Again you would be effectively giving up control over yourself.

Let's get back to building that amazing life without her and GAL. I still have patience in my pockets.

This reads great on the screen. Be the words.

[/quote]

I will do it, is the only path I have now to happiness.

[Pack_19]

hi all,

There is a question I have to ask. Last time I saw W and she made all the comments about my message telling her she was a lousy mom and wife she made a comment about how if I did not file she would because she had been telling me is her intention for 13 months and that she actually asked for a D once. (This was as you might remember when I pushed to lower the pension and she told me my actions were saying I was a terrible person and had not changed).

Now following advice from Husband help haven I have read is normal for a S wife to use D or the threat of D as a "tool" to control you. Would it help to send her an email reading that I will not stand an open marriage and that as long as we are S for me there is a clear difference with D. That I want to have this conversation in person but since she only wants to talk about the kids that is the only way I have to convey the message.

I want to hear from the board before sending another email that is not going to be taken seriously. thank you all.

[BenB]

Pack, think about what you just wrote. Because you really don't think anyone here will encourage you to write any email to your W, let alone what you just asked, do you?

What do you hope to gain by conveying that to her?

[Ginger1]

Please stop with the emails and trying to verbally convey messages. She knows all this.

She doesn’t want to talk to you. That’s her right. Stop trying to force conversation on her.

[Pack_19]

Hi!

I will not send any email. I will try to find clues as if there is an EA / PA on my own and if so i will consider filing. Now I need to focus on my goals and leave her be.

I never meant to ask the board whether to file or not, this situation is hurting a lot right now. I dont know where I am going and what the heck I am doing fighting for something no longer exists. Thank you all for preventing me from yet another mistake

Hugs, Pack

[LH19]

Hire a private investigator